I'm never alone, and neither are you

2012-02-25T11:05:00.000+08:00

One round.. Two rounds.. I'm getting dizzy. Sandra, are you alright? What is it this time? Is some boy bothering you? Is some boy hurting you? Is some boy confusing you?

"No, some boy is not making my heart beat fast enough"

She thought she finally found that one to make her happy. Because he did make her happy. He does make her happy. She finally fell for the nice guy. The slightly geeky, tall, and slightly buff nice guy from next door. But... Why does something feel wrong then?

"Don't tell me you're still in love with that good for nothing bad boy? Or are you hung up on that boy who seems to be currently ignoring you? Or in my words, not paying you enough attention?"

"Hold on, Sandra... He may be just what you need in your life right now."

She's afraid he can't handle her baggage. She knows that she should give him a chance. She's always been one to give out chances. Unlimited chances. She's just afraid of giving another piece of her heart away to a boy who may not be her future husband. What would her actual husband say to this?

"You gave a little piece of your heart to all those boys?? And now you expect me to take what's left of your heart when I want all of it?"

She's so confused. She admits, there is a boy bothering her. There was a boy hurting her. There are always boys confusing her. She needs guidance. She needs to focus on her faith, her family, her studies, her future.

"Nice guys like that don't wait around long. They're not easy to find either, Sandra."

"Make him wait for me. Cause I think I do like him. And I actually hope he likes me too."

You proved me wrong

2012-02-19T13:44:00.001+08:00

You will never know how much the time we spent together meant to me. Now, I hope you notice me no longer staring at you. No longer waiting for your arrival at events. So, now that you invite me to a venue where you're performing, I have no intention of even trying to make it. It's not like you ever bothered where my band was playing next or when and where I was performing. I have a talent, and so do you. The dream of performing alongside you is now a faint memory. You will never know how much I saw in you and still see in you. You should really start doing more for yourself than continuing in this petty life of yours. I see you, I saw you. Now, I don't know who you are anymore.

Goodbye Nathan...

My heart was never yours

2012-02-18T01:23:00.001+08:00

Someone else can make me smile after all. And he appreciates me for me. He sees the true beauty in me and truly likes me. The more I talk, the more he listens. He talks, and I can't help but hang on to every word. He better stop complimenting me or my ego is going to shoot through the roof. My face also can't take anymore blushing. So, stop it! He's supportive of my music, my band and he's known me for longer than you have. We're laughing... together.

In the end, even if he turns out to be just a friend, he made me smile. Which is more than I can say for you right now. It doesn't matter that he may not win looks-wise. Guess what? He's older than you and definitely more mature. So, go ahead with another one of your 'experiments'. I don't want to hear bout it any longer. Cheat on her like you did on your previous 'experiments'. Well, actually, don't do that.

All I know is, you're not breaking my heart, and he is making my heart smile :) ( If that's even possible :/ )

She was here, I love him

2012-02-16T01:33:00.000+08:00

I'm always so close to letting those tears stream down my face. It was all about the stress at first. Endless pain and suffering. Sleepless nights and sore body parts. But when it's all over...

I forgot. Oh my goodness! How could I have forgotten. She was watching over me. She must have seen all the trouble I got myself into. I'm also afraid she may have experienced all my bad days with me. These were some really bad days. They made me want to cry myself to sleep. But today was different... Today, she was here.

My mother was here. In a form of a little yellow butterfly. I wasn't here. I was in Bible Knowledge class tonight. When my dad told me the story in the car, I wasn't upset that I was absent in the event of it all. I was close to tears though, because I forgot to think about her on Valentines Day.

My dad's story :
"There was this yellow butterfly flying around the house. It landed on the paper rose Mikaela made. Then Kaela used the real roses on the dining table to try and lure it down. It settled on the rose. *sounds amazed* She took a picture. Then, it flew around again, and landed on the rose. Kaela took another picture. The, I tried it a third time. This time it landed on the flower petals, not the stem. We took another picture. I think this is mummy trying to tell us that we forgot to give her a flower on Valentines Day. *he smiles*"

My reply :
"Her birthday's coming up. Can we go visit her with a lot of flowers? Just us."

Daddy: "Yeah" :)

Tears filled my eyes then. I couldn't help it. No more stressful tears. No more crying myself to sleep because of stress. I'm gonna cry because of this beautiful life I've been blessed with. My mother was here. She is currently watching over me and my family. My dad loves me. And I love him with all my heart. I'm going to build up the courage someday to say " I love you" to him. I promise you this, mummy.

He held me in his arms tonight. I've never been a spoiled brat in a sense that I wasn't overly loved by my parents. But there was always love there. I make sure to kiss him every night. His hugs are my favourite, next to my sister's of course. Tonight, he kissed me back. A nice peck on the cheek. I told him off for not shaving properly. And when I was doing my usual routine of "I don't wanna go to school tomorrow", he held me in his arms and used his hands to stroke my hair back. Then he asked if I've been having any head pains. My mother wasn't the only watching over me, he was too. And he saw, up close, all the stress I was under.
"When's your next doctor's appointment?"
"Soon..."

Unlike all the girls out there guessing whether the boy they like, likes them back, I know for a fact that the man I love, loves me back. My husband will have these expectations to live up to. I will settle for nothing less, because I deserve this much. I deserve love like this.

I love you so, so much mum. I will see you next Sunday 26th February.
Papa, I love you. I seriously do. My heart hurts not because it's breaking, it hurts because I feel your love. It's the best feeling in the world.

Thank you, God. Truly, I am blessed :')

Makes sense, doesn't it?

2012-02-09T01:00:00.001+08:00

Remember Nancy and Steve? "Resist temptation"
I think their story has come to an end. But... There may be new stories coming up ;) New characters and hopefully some really cool story lines. Motorbikes and bad boys? Nah... To meet the parents? More adventures of romance and spontaneity? Maybe... Hehe :)

Love, a very cheeky aspiring writer :)
<3

The reason why

2012-02-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

The reason why I have no problem coming up with new stories for my English essay assignments. Cool, don't you think? ;)

Ask me how, and I'll gladly share my secret with you. I will try and make you go "WOW!" :D

Story time every time! Hehehehe

Remember Quoting him?

2012-02-07T15:53:00.000+08:00

Quoting Winnie The Pooh

2012-02-07T00:38:00.000+08:00

My imagination

2012-02-07T00:23:00.002+08:00

I imagine him single. I imagine him thinking of me. I imagine him counting the days to when he gets to see me next. I imagine him calling me. I imagine him at my doorstep. I imagine him staring me in the eyes. I imagine him holding my hand. I imagine him holding me. I imagine him dancing with me. I imagine him laughing at my jokes. I imagine him smiling at the sight of me. I imagine him telling me I'm beautiful. I imagine him with me.

In reality, he's taken. He is not thinking of me. He doesn't look forward to seeing me every week. He calls me for professional reasons. He doesn't know where I live. He looks at me for short periods of time. He's not close enough to hold my hand. He's holding someone else. He's dancing with her. He laughs at my jokes, but turns his attention somewhere else right after. He smiles and gives me a friendly hug when we meet. He tells me I'm a good friend. He accompanies me, but as a friend.

I can't say he belongs with me, but right now, I can't imagine being with anybody else. But he's just a big part of my imagination. A huge part actually :/

Wrong again

2012-02-06T00:27:00.001+08:00

Have you ever picked the wrong key and use that key to open a door?

It's like picking the wrong guy and letting him in. It's wrong.

Why do I keep attracting the wrong guys? The bad influences? The bad boy. Of all the fishes in the sea, I pick the worse of the worst. Okay, so maybe they aren't that bad.

I can't keep picking up the wrong key. I look forward to the day when the right key is used to open up my heart. I'd gladly let the right boy in then. You just gotta have the right key.

Who has the key to your heart? ;)

Away you go

2012-02-05T02:08:00.000+08:00

"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky"

You are more than untouchable. You are forbidden territory. I mentioned uncharted territory before, but this is an all new level for me. Forbidden. Maybe I take things too seriously, but you take things too lightly.

I thought I was done with surprises. I thought we were done with surprises. Why'd you have to go and do that? I wasn't asking to hear your voice. I wasn't asking to see you at all. But one phone call and my judgement is clouded.

"NO!! GO. AWAY."

Can't you see that I have feelings? Whether they're for you, and you only, I will never admit. I thought I was on the road to the land of numb. Not feeling anything. Instead, I'm returning from that land and heading for the land of stupidity.

"What? Now I have to act stupid so you can feel better bout yourself?"

Stay away. I need you to stay away. Once you do, my mind and my heart will get the hint and back off. They've hurt me. I'm not gonna let you do the same. You will have no pleasure of doing so. Besides, like Kelly Clarkson once said in her songs "No, I don't cry on the outside anymore."

-Behind These Hazel Eyes

Now, away you go to the part of my mind where I only think about when I'm reminded to love my enemies. Forgive people who have hurt me. Thank them for the lesson I've learnt. That's where you'll be. So, don't come looking for me anymore. You hear?

Turning pages

2012-02-05T01:57:00.001+08:00

My life feels too much like an open book now. But I'm not shutting the covers. I'm just gonna continue turning the pages. Line after line. Word after word. You'll get it... soon enough.

No more

2012-02-04T02:51:00.001+08:00

No more numbness. No more straining. No more manipulation. No more work. I'm done. I'm just going to close my eyes for a short while and go back to the times when I felt... something. If only she were still here. She'd make me feel alive. She always did. She's my mother. The most amazing mother in the world. Now who do I have to talk to that would reply the same way she would've? Absolutely nobody. She's one in a million. And she's mine.

Delirium

2012-02-04T02:42:00.003+08:00

Delirium or acute confusional state is a common and severe neuropsychiatric syndrome with core features of acute onset and fluctuating course, attentional deficits and generalized severe disorganization of behavior. It typically involves other cognitive deficits, changes in arousal (hyperactive, hypoactive, or mixed), perceptual deficits, altered sleep-wake cycle, and psychotic features such as hallucinations and delusions.

What if love were a disease?

I read the first few pages of this book and got a little frightened of what were the real contents of it. It seemed a little too deep for me. It felt like I was once again, entering uncharted territory. But I'm determined to finish it. Whatever this book has in store for me, I'm going to take it. There may be something hidden inside that I never knew about. Right now, I'm learning that falling in love can kill. Really kill.

Let's pray I don't get nightmares, alright? I'm not sissy, I'm just being cautious that's all. Now, what IF love were a disease that kills....

Them boys

2012-02-04T02:21:00.005+08:00

I really know how to pick em' don't I? Time for another episode of "Here we go again" You think I have good taste? Haha! I laugh at your bad judgement. You think I have bad taste? Hmmm... I think I agree with you. Let's see what I've learnt over the past week, shall we?

I was numb. Whether it was from all the work and responsibilities on my shoulder or the realization that my fantasies were just that, fantasies. I felt numb, all week. My mind really isn't being kind to me.

Imagine looking at that picture and knowing the girl isn't you. She never seems to be you.

"Focus on your work. Work... work... more work..." This can't be it! It really shouldn't be it...

My head is spinning. I'm not thinking clearly when I go through extra measures to get the information I want. And when I get it, I just wish I could give it back. I don't agree with "Better to have loved than to have never loved at all" Why? It's not better, but it's not preventable either. I tried. Again and again. I truly did.

New boy has his own life. He doesn't need me in it. He never needed me. He was just too kind to say so. I made up a life with him in my mind. I seem to do that a lot. Not with just anyone. Just some of them boys that get to me. This boy got a little bit of my heart with his charm and gentleness. But he never liked me. Never will.

Old boy hasn't figured what he wants to do with his life. But trying out different ~~girls~~ opportunities at every turn isn't the answer either. Or hasn't he figured that out yet? I haven't talked to him in over a year but it's good to know that I may have been the only girl his family approved of. It was never meant to be, obviously. But he liked me. I know he did.

Now I see them both as this. I don't want to. But sometimes, I can't control myself either. The same way the both of you can't from life's temptations.

Them boys get to me. They're not the only people/things that get to me. But they made me numb this week. Now, I just don't want to feel anymore. I didn't feel anything all week, telling myself I was on borrowed time from all the lack of sleep, so I'll have no problem not feeling anything for a while.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rescue me. Leave me alone for once, will you?

To meet my mother

2012-02-03T00:26:00.001+08:00

"If anyone asks, tell them I spent the whole of yesterday evening with you."

Those were the words I said to Nathan as I got off his motorbike and removed my helmet. He took the helmet from my hands and placed it back neatly in his bike compartment. I watched his every movement then, unable to tear my eyes away. He looked me in the eyes and nodded, showing me that he understood. Half perched on his bike, he leaned in and gave me a warm hug, the smell of his leather jacket flooding my senses. It was the smell of him. "I would do anything for you. Anything." His whisper so close to my ear, it gave me chills. When we finally let go of one another, it took Nate only 5 more seconds to re-position himself on his bike and ride away into the night.

I wasn't asking Nate to lie for me. It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. My father trusts Nate. We have been best friends for 3 years now, and my father knows him almost as well as I do. Almost... As best friends, there were bound to be secrets only the 2 of us shared. This secret was just bigger than any other. Nate is a boy who rides. No, not the bad boy-too cool to care kind. But even though Nate rode a motorbike, there was this special quality about him that just made parents trust him. Parent, in my case. It wasn't just his charm, it was everything about him. I may have taken advantage of my father's trust, but bringing Nate to meet my mother was crucial for me, and on that day.. he did.

On February 26, I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock beeping. 8am. I opened my curtains to find the sun shining like any other ordinary day in Malaysia, but this day was no ordinary day for me. This day, I was a girl on a mission. I went through my morning and afternoon routine like I did every Saturday. I attended my extra Creative Writing and Public Speaking classes down town and helped my sister with her homework. After that, I just had to wait for my phone to ring and my mission would be a go. My dad would be working all day as usual. After dropping me off at home when my classes were done, it was back to the office for him. I had already informed my maid to look after my sister while I went out and that I'd be back later that evening before my father got home.

My phone rang and stopped, that was the signal that told me Nate was outside, waiting for me. I kissed my sister goodbye and told her I'd be back before she knew it. My ten-year-old sister looked up at me and nodded, saying "Love you! Bye." I grabbed the house keys and my phone and headed out. It didn't take long for me to spot Nate leaning against his beautiful ER6n under the hot sun. A smile appeared on his lips as he looked up and saw me approaching. It took me some time to realize that I was smiling too.
"Ready to go?" he said as he handed me the extra helmet.
"As ready as you are to meet her," I replied. He knew exactly what I meant.

Before I knew it, I could feel the wind against parts of my face that went uncovered by the helmet. I could also feel the breeze in my long, wavy hair. But most of all, I could feel Nate's back against my front as I held on to him tightly. I always wondered if he could feel my heartbeat when we were pressed up against each other this close. If only he knew the extent of my feelings for him.

It took exactly an hour for us to reach our destination. Nilai Cemetery. It was my mother's birthday. I visited my mother's grave with my family every once a year, on her death anniversary. To me, that was never enough. On this day, I decided to take the risk, along with Nate to come down here and visit her. But I wasn't doing this just cause it was her birthday, I had an ulterior motive that even Nate didn't know of. That was another risk I was willing to take.

We got off the bike and removed our helmets. I knew the moment had come for me to be brave and say what I needed Nate to hear. Moment of truth. Nate turned to face me, as if reading my mind. I looked in his eyes and hoped for understanding.
"I don't want to be your best friend anymore." I searched his eyes then.
He remained silent, his expression urging me to go on.
"You mean more to me than just that. I've loved you ever since we became best friends. Telling you sooner always seemed like a bad idea because it could possibly cost us our friendship. You know why I brought you here today, to meet my mother, but there's something else you need to know. I'm not gonna introduce you to my mother as my best friend, but as the boy I fell in love with at the age of fifteen."

Nate just stared at me then. Was that sympathy I saw in his eyes? I unconsciously took a step forward and searched his eyes. I then saw understanding mixed with amusement. He said this to me, "How about you introduce me as your best friend AND the boy you're in love with?" I couldn't stop staring at his upturned lips. A smile to die for. We were close enough now that he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me a little before pulling me in for a full-on hug. He kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I love you too, you silly girl. I always have. Don't you know that by now. You're my own personal angel and I really wouldn't know what I'd do without you. You are the only girl I have ever loved."

That day, my mother met Nathan. I didn't get in trouble with my father and my family never bothered to find out where I went or what I did that evening. It is a secret that Nate and I will forever keep sacred, just between the 2 of us. Now, I can only pray that my mother approves of him... But knowing her, she has already fallen for his charm and good looks. Looking down on me from above, I know she also sees how well he protects me. He is my own personal guardian angel, and I'm so glad he has met my mother.

Uncharted Territory

2012-01-31T16:16:00.001+08:00

Sitting in an unknown vehicle while the rain pours outside, the air-conditioning blowing in your face and you're too frozen in place to move. Dreams from the previous night chill you to the core because it was an unexpected turn of events. First, she's dreaming of the same untouchable guy for 3 nights in a row. Then, her past comes back to haunt her.

"Do not enter uncharted territory.... EVER!"

She's trying, but it's so hard...

Stupid boy

2012-01-26T19:27:00.001+08:00

"You never know what you got till it's gone"
I'm really tired of waiting and dropping subtle hints. So what if they're a bit too subtle?? Trust me when I say I didn't plan on you appearing in my dreams 3 nights in a row.

STUPID BOY!!

Yeah, keep saying that Sam, but you know it ain't true! :P

Why do you have to be so charming?

Beautiful, or beautiful disaster?

2012-01-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

Time after time. Encounter after encounter. Nothing changes. Little hints that come and go..... and then a bomb hits. The 'bad influence' bomb. I believe in you, I always have. They didn't make up my mind, I made up my mind. But, did you hear what they said?

"He doesn't take his responsibilities seriously"

"He always fools around"

"I'm not the only one, they don't like him either"

"He makes bad choices"

I thought my mind had come up with your worst side already. I thought I solved the 'worse comes to worst'. I guess I haven't. The chance I was offering, I'm considering taking it back. But then I think, do I even deserve better than you? I've been told time and time again that I do. It's hard not knowing where I stand in all of this. Where you want me to stand. Where you're standing in the meantime.

I've never seen the bad side of you. Not really. I saw the you that was kind, compassionate and patient. Caring, dedicated and strong. Loving, responsible and Godly. What are they seeing that I'm not? I want to see you. All of you. Because it's all or nothing. It's also all of me or nothing.

Who am I to judge, right? Do you even see my faults though? Are you easily fooled by my strong facade every time we meet? Do you see the vulnerability? I know you see me as shy, willing and caring. That's not all I want you to see.

In my mind, we could be something beautiful. Or maybe, just a beautiful disaster.

Once a week

2012-01-09T00:50:00.002+08:00

He stood there, waiting... Waiting for what? When he finally sat down, it was the seat next to hers. Despite the voices behind her, calling him to sit with them, he did no such thing. Was it deliberate? A coincidence? Did she really have that power over him?

It's not very nice to have a girl make her own assumptions. Especially when he's sending so many mixed signals. She's so tired of the too-cool-to-express-feelings act he's putting on. At least, that's what she thinks he's doing.

This may be new to him, not having the girl fall head-over-heels for him immediately. He has to try a different approach, or risk losing her to someone possibly more worthy of her whole life. Of her.

She made a new year's resolution to take chances. After two years of love sobriety, she needed to try something new. But she's tired of waiting, and playing this unspoken game of her move, his move.

Ps, I really wanna read this book. Anybody wanna get it for me? My birthday's in March :) Pretty please...

Disorganized

2012-01-07T01:27:00.000+08:00

How is it that I haven't found the time to blog about anything even worth mentioning yet? What a bad start to my blog this year, huh? :/ This isn't what I had in mind, really. I was going to keep up a frequently updated blog. With my writings, and little interesting things that happen in my life. Like I did last year. But the holidays are no more, aren't they?

Let's see what I've been up to.... I became the class monitor again this year, though all class monitors from last year already knew it was a no-brainer, knowing our oh-so-considerate classmates. It's stressful. And I'm trying my best to help out my new form teacher, seeing that she doesn't have much experience doing this. Not that I do, but I know the basics, and she is appreciative. That's all that matters. I'm also worried that I have no idea what to do to lead my PPR (Pandu Puteri Renjer) members this year. Girl scouts. You'd think the girls would be easy to control... EHH!! You thought wrong :P So there's something else to think about. This year is supposed to be about discipline too, and letting ourselves be known as a strong Uniform Body. Uh-huh, and I'm in charge :O

Most of all, and the thing I care most about now is CF. Meetings and camp. One of my top priorities, besides my family and of course, my time with God. I can't tell you exactly what I'm part of for CF right now, but let's just say, while it's an honor and a privilege to be given a chance to serve this way, I also always hope that i'm doing God justice with my work. It's not easy to say the least, to balance all of the above, but I know I can do it. Plus, I enjoy the work. Really, I do.

I really wanted to post something about my now Form 1 little sister. It was amazing how well she's doing in this environment. Of course, she has our cousin to 'teman' her every recess, but it is really good to see her getting along so well. I promise to dedicate a post just for her soon ;) *I just need to find the time*

Another thing, and I know this may sound silly to some of you but I was thinking of joining my school's Nostalgia this year. It's my school's magazine department. It's a hectic job for some, but I was thinking about interviewing for the writing department in Nostalgia. It won't take up too much of my time, I hope, that's if I even get pass the interview :/ I really feel like trying out, and I'm gonna pray about it, of course. By God's grace, hopefully I can do what I love and maybe even learn something for my future. How to work super-duper hard is a lesson to learn for sure.

Everything seems a little disorganized at the moment. Or maybe it's all in my head. My undone homework is on my mind too. Tuition homework included :P Also, though I'm still shocked by this myself, my beloved family and friends out there who read my blog frequently, I just want to say thank you. Every day I learn that more and more of you and opening this web page and it really just puts a smile on my face :) Even knowing there are unknown readers out there make me smile :) Ps, when I say I don't want you to spread the news of my blog anymore, I mean the total opposite. I really appreciate the time taken to visit a teenager's blog. Especially, a teenager like me.

Ooh ooh! If there are really nice and supportive readers out there, maybe you could suggest which 2 freelance essays I could submit to the Nostalgia committee for my interview? If you've read some of my freelance essays that is. I won't be hurt if I get 0 comments again, cause I know for sure that there are people reading this. Some of you even comment about my blog to me in person. Which is definitely accepted by the way. I promise I'll be more creative on my next post. I really have to go now. Will be back to type more words soon. Goodnight :)

Mommy, I don't want anymore nightmares, you hear? :/

Thy will be done

2011-12-31T16:57:00.000+08:00

Looking back, reminiscing about all the memories I've made. It wasn't a bad year. Nope, not a bad year at all.

Pictures of him, pictures of her, pictures of them, pictures of us, pictures of you, pictures of me.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of what's to come. My feelings get so messed up sometimes, I'm not quite sure where my brain fits into every situation. Having to not only feel, but to be smart about your feelings at the same time is a difficult task to master. I have a feeling nobody ever really perfects doing so. Then, why do I have to?

I could so easily be succumb to peer pressure and life's little temptations. I could forget thinking at all and do what I feel. But that's not what I'm doing, is it? It's not what would please my God. I will always have troubles, too much to think about. My family will stress me out, my friends may not always understand what I'm going through, the boy I like could get on my last nerve.... But these are not the setbacks that are going to stop me from living my life. The life God has so graciously blessed me with. I can be thankful for many things, but being thankful for my life, sums up almost everything, because guess what? My family and friends are my life. He is my life, because He gave me life.

We shall overcome

More gifts like you

2011-12-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

ALYCIA TAN WEI WENN

NICHOLAS HOR ENG WENG

HEIDY QUAH

SEAN LOW SHAN-ANN

BRENDA CHIN HUEY ZIEN

BRANDON TAN KWANG SHEN

CHAI TZE KWANG

ANDREW FOONG YUE KWANG

AMANDA CHAN POH EAN

LIM YI FEN

ONN BOON KUAN

RAYSHELL WONG RUI ENN

TAN YI QIAN

HAZEL ONG

LEE HAN JIANG

CHRISTOPHER TAN

This 16 gifts are in no particular order. Maybe in the order of old pictures to new. Heh ;) I'm sorry I don't really have time to explain each and every friendship but trust me that each and every one of the friends you see up there, are a treasure to me. And if these friendships last like I know they will, this won't be the last you see of my Christmas gifts :) MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!! God bless and I love you all! :D

Lost in the lights

2011-12-24T17:27:00.004+08:00

My head is clearer now. Having overprotective friends, watching my back twenty-four/seven. Whenever I'm in danger of doing something stupid, something impulsive, they're always there to talk some sense into me. I know, what's life without mistakes right? But what if there were some mistakes you could avoid? Some really big regrets you could avoid having?

"Half of my heart has a grip on the situation"

"What do you mean by you're attracted to him?"

She was lost in the magic of it all. The stolen moments they shared. No, it wasn't like that. What they did together... Planning charity projects together, sharing family secrets, stressing out together to make sure each plan turned out perfect, sharing a cup of water out of exhaustion, admiring the less fortunate and being grateful together. How blessed they were. Learning to appreciate the little things they had.

"Is he a good influence on you?"

There seems to be two sides to everyone. There is no exception to him. On one hand, he is the one that took his responsibilities seriously. He cared about everyone and everything around him. He showed kindness and patience. On the other hand, he sometimes hung out with the wrong friends. Not showing patience to everyone like she thought he did. He has a haunted past, that he may not regret, but may not be proud of either.

Colossians 3:18-25

18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.

Ephesians 5:22-33

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing^b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.^a 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

This is what I've been reading for the past few nights for my own personal devotions. Praying about it too. To know what God wants from me, in a relationship between man and woman. What a marriage is supposed to be. I can only be with someone if I know there's a chance I'm going to marry him someday. If he learns about this someday, and understands it, then I'll believe him and take a chance. Give him a piece of my heart. But for right now, I'm no longer lost in the pretty lights. Yes, the atmosphere around us may seem like a fairytale sometimes, but he and I both need to grow separately before coming together. When I see him, I'll have all this in mind. Mistletoes and magic won't blur my mind anymore. And I owe a little thanks to the friends who keep me grounded and the Lord that gave me everything, including these overprotective friends.

Magic and mistletoe

2011-12-21T00:08:00.001+08:00

As an ordinary girl, she dreams of having super powers. What kind of super powers? To read minds maybe? To understand how a guy's mind works? To make a guy love her.

Love Potions

Ever heard of them? Some girls find magic in the way a guy looks at her. Magic in the way the guy she likes, likes her back too, and isn't afraid to tell her. Express his love for her.

She's the girl still concocting love potions. I think it's safe to say, she hasn't experienced her super powers yet. But she has them, she just hasn't used them yet. The power to just let it happen. Let God's plan take it's course. Who needs a love potion?

Trust in Him. In His plan. She's falling for a guy who seems to be all wrong for her. But there seems to be some chemistry and being almost Christmas, if there was a mistletoe... Who knows ;) Nahh, I'm just kidding.

A little Christmas magic? Is that what she's waiting for? Or is it just him she's waiting for? Why can't he see? She feels something. But it's not all about how you feel. How about what you know? Your brain plays a part too, you know? If only she had the courage to risk their friendship and go for it, but she's not going down that path it seems.

"God, show me the way. Light the path you want me to walk on."

Productivity

2011-12-20T11:41:00.000+08:00

I should really busy myself with things more productive. And that's exactly what I'm going to do! I realize when I do so, no UNproductive thoughts can enter my mind. But how often do I do anything productive? Silly, silly thoughts. Silly, silly me. I guess I am your average teenage girl. Or maybe, not so average.... ;)

Now, why can't I do that with my thoughts? Release them like those millions of balloons being released around the Eiffel Tower. What am I saying? It's not like my thoughts are as pretty as those pink balloons. Neither is the scenery around me as legendary as the Eiffel Tower. Productivity, that's what I need. Hmmm... Tell me again why my brain functions so uncontrollably?

Someone has got to make a move. I'm stalling, you're stalling. It seems like everyone's stalling. I 'dare you to move!' Like, now. Beautiful song, this one. :) I'm done speaking now.

Mom, help me move, okay? :)

Signs

2011-12-19T16:53:00.000+08:00

She was looking for signs. She was analyzing some signs. She was over-thinking his signs. Then she remembered, waiting for his signs is like waiting for rain in this drought. He may be a waste of her time. But she uses the word 'may' heavily. Her attraction to him may be uncanny but it happened. She got hooked.

He's not coming after her. Another good reason to let this whole infatuation thing go. After all, their time together seems to be over. Over and done with. This was no summer romance. This was a summer crush. That's all it was, until somebody speaks up and voices out their feelings. If he's not going to, and she's not going to, then it is over.

A friend like you

2011-12-17T02:13:00.000+08:00

So, I come back home from another long day and have so many ideas for my blog. But all those 'ideas' go out the window when 3 conversations pop up on my Facebook page. 3 very different conversations. 3 very different friends. 3 solid reasons to have faith in miracles. 3 gifts from God.

Gift No. 1

Rayshell Wong Rui En

"I can't find anyone else that understands me the way you do. We're so different, yet so alike. You light up my day with your contagious laughter, your uncontrollable hype and silliness. On the other hand, you warm my heart with your words of reassurance, your patience, and most of all, your love. I can tell you anything under any circumstance. Even when my sentences are all jumbled up and I go on and on about my troubles and confused thoughts, you hear me out till the end. To top it all off, you know the words to say that speak right to my heart. You make sense of everything in my world, and I can't understand how I do the same for you as you've said. I will cherish your love and friendship always. I truly love you and you're better than any Christmas gift I've ever gotten."

Gift No. 2

Lim Yi Fen

"My beautiful friend. What some people don't see, is the beauty inside of you. You've been misunderstood a few times and I'm sorry if I haven't always been there for you. You shine with positive energy and you also have the patience I long to have. You hide your feelings often a little too well, and I wish you'd share more with me. I'm not a friend that'll last many years, I'm your friend that will last forever. I'm forever and always here. Remember that. Get that into your head, because well, you've found your way into my heart and I'm not letting you go! I love you Fen and don't ever think I'll leave you alone, ever."

Gift No. 3

Andrew Foong Yue Kwang

"You're a very special gift. A very precious gift to be exact. Our friendship has always come easy, but that doesn't mean that we didn't have our ups and downs. We had ups and downs I didn't even know could go up and down. But you handled it with such grace only a real man can possess. You're not just the nerd, you're not just the fast-learning guitar player, you're not just the add math genius... You're the nerd who can comfort me, the guitar player who can teach me, and the genius who can love me. You're a friend like I've never had. No one else is like you and your new found confidence makes me proud. To watch you grow makes me proud. I will always look up to you, not only cause you're taller than me, but because I have so much to learn from you. I really do love you and calling you my friend, is the biggest honor of all."

If you think these are the only 3 gifts God has given me in my 16 years of life, you are very wrong. I have so much more to be thankful for. So many more amazing people in my life that I'd trust with anything secret I have. How can I trust so many with my secrets? Well, let's just say that while everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way, my friends, to me, are unique and beautiful in a way that gives them the ownership of a little piece of my heart. Always and forever. So while they have my heart, why not let them have my secrets too? I trust them, I truly do. These 3 gifts are the first of many gifts I wanna share with the rest of the world. Because, why should I be so blessed with these people and not show them off to the rest of the world? (Well, the rest of the world that visits my blog that is;))

I do have a lot of love to give, but my love doesn't go out easily either. Although these friends make it easy for me to love them, our friendships weren't always perfect. Another thing about me that may come shocking to you is that, I do have trust issues. But with all this love around me, how can I not learn how to trust? I am still learning to trust because I believe there are more people out there that need to be given a chance. A chance to be trusted. A chance to be loved, and a chance to love back.

God has truly been great to me. Blessing me with gifts this grand. And it's not even Christmas yet! The biggest thing he did for me isn't this though. Remember the true meaning of Christmas? Christ before Christmas. It's not gifts we're celebrating, it's our Lord Jesus Christ's birth we're celebrating. How great is our God to give us an example like Jesus? To give us His Son.

Please open your eyes this Christmas. Look out for the real gifts in your life, just like the gifts I hold dear to my heart. I would like to share many more of my blessings with you, but this is all from me for now. I'll share more later;)

Mommy, you were a gift to me too. You will always be the greatest mommy to me. And I'm happy I got to be a gift to you too. On the 20th of March 1995, you saw me as a blessing. Well mommy, I see you as a blessing too! :) I know you're with Him now, and I know you're watching over me. Thanks again mommy!

Do opposites attract?

2011-12-16T00:11:00.001+08:00

She grew up with her stepmother, a stepsister to boot. I know, sounds a little Cinderella story-ish right? She also grew up without a dad most of her life. Lost him in an accident. But she lived the easy life. She had relatives, family and friends. They had love to offer her. So, she had the complicated, but good life.

On the other hand...

He grew up with both parents. A little brother too. A normal life right? He was always left alone. Learnt most of his lessons by first making a lot of mistakes. Mixed with some bad company, doing one too many experiments. So, he had the simple, but hard life.

What do you think happened when these two individuals crossed paths? Do you think it was easy for them to connect? 100% NO! They're still on separate journeys, but they acknowledge each others' existence. Do opposites like them really attract? Please give me your opinions. Leave a comment. Tell me on facebook, tell me through email. Tell me in person. Because I really want to know.

Like two hearts set on the same branch by accident. Where do they go now?

I wrote the song

2011-12-14T14:44:00.005+08:00

I'm the girl. I wrote the song. Honestly, I think you deserve it. No matter what others might say. One verse, one chorus. That's all it takes to try and make you understand.

Take My Hand

He's so far from perfect, he has countless flaws

But when I look in his eyes, I can see so much more

That small town boy who lived no easy life

Made some bad choices and got into some fights

But I can see past his defenses

And I wanna tear down all his walls

Take my hand and I'll give you a chance

I promise not to judge you by your past

Time is short and we are scarred and flawed

Nothing ever turns out like you planned

Just take my hand because I'm giving you a chance

Resist temptation

2011-12-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

"I want to hold your hand"

You say NO!!

Steve has more experience than Nancy will ever admit, but she can't help herself and her dreams. In her dream, she holds his hand. She's the foolish one. She's the one feeling too much.

Walk away!

"Wait for him to tell you first. You don't even know that he likes you yet." If only I could get those words into Nancy's thick skull. How do you not get involved?

Explain to me how Nancy can suddenly feel so much for a boy who's just her friend? A boy who she's currently working with? Maybe when they're done working together, thoughts and dreams of him will stop. Hopefully...

They're story seems longer than expected. But I'll tell you one thing. By next week, the story might end. Hmmm... What do you think?

Assumptions

2011-12-12T16:32:00.001+08:00

How many people have assumed the wrong things? Misinterpreted words, actions.
"Let me guess who you like. xxxxxxxx :D"
"I don't think so :/"
"Okay, don't tell me. But I think you guys should date. You'd be so cute together. Honestly, I think he likes you."

Don't listen to her...
If she didn't listen to her and take her words to heart, then why did she have such a vivid dream of him last night? That's because she did listen. And she thought about it all night long, up to the very next day. Until now, she still can't get that dream out of her head. People say that when you dream vividly about someone, that means that someone is thinking about you. She doesn't believe that. Or does she?

***

"I just lost my first kiss to you"
What a dream that was. Sometimes, it is really dangerous to be a dreamer.

***

"Just wait it out, no more assumptions. They only end in disaster."
But in the meantime, if her brain goes into overdrive because of her assumptions, I guess that's something she just can't help. To stop thinking altogether would be a really nice solution, but that doesn't happen every day does it? Especially when she's not the only one assuming, there are others out there doing the same. 'Others' she calls her friends.

And so, Steve and Nancy's story continues...

It's good to be home

2011-12-11T00:33:00.000+08:00

Could it be?
"I'm not dreaming again, am I?"
Everything was so beautiful. The laughter. The joy. The people. Wonderful people. She felt herself catch her breath. Realizing that this really was her reality. She wouldn't ask for someone else's life ever again. Her own was perfect.

So what if her heart was broken before? If she cried tears of frustration and anger? If she made mistakes that she learnt from the hard way? She was here. Right here, right now. She was just glad to be home.
"I love my life. Thank you God!"

Last call

2011-12-05T09:50:00.001+08:00

Don't say she didn't warn you. She's taking off soon and you may not see her for a long, long time. She feels as light as a feather when she thinks about flying to a new country. But her heart's as heavy as ever when she thinks about leaving you behind. Especially knowing she tried her best to show you how she really feels about you. She thought you may have had some kind of clue, but it turns out, you don't.

You'd think she was tired of his face by now. But, she's not. He warms her heart so. Just a glance, just a word, just his voice. Hmmm... An unexpected call or reply would do. She feels a little silly right about now, but what is a girl of her age to do? 16. Young. Foolish.

Will she remember him when she returns home? I think so. Will he remember her? I don't know. Their story's not over. As the author of it, I have a feeling there's more to come. Just wait on it. I really want to know how Nancy and Steve's story turns out. Hopefully it doesn't hang in midair like some of my other characters. I'll just have to wait it out like the rest of you ;)

I just couldn't help myself but to post one more post before I take off. Waiting for my dad to finish breakfast so we can go. Hehe. I'll find more to blog about when I get back. I am really going to miss this. See you! Bye! :)

Mummy, come with me...

To a land far far away

2011-12-04T23:44:00.001+08:00

I have to take another break from blogging. Nooooo!!! Haha:D I really do love the freedom to write, speak my mind. Guess where I'm going tomorrow? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with King Kong. Well, not really. Hehe:) Hong Kong, get ready to have me grace your land!! I am so full of myself sometimes ;)

I'll be back on the 10th and hopefully be inspired enough to blog about something interesting. I actually have something really eye-opening I wish to share with all my dedicated readers, I just don't have the time to blog about it tonight. So, I'll tell you in brief. My church and I did this PIHD program where we had to visit many poor people's homes and interview them. The interviews were mainly about their living situations and we learnt a lot by just listening to these people's stories. Do you understand how fortunate you are? Do you ever count your blessings? Thank God for your life for that matter? I could have cried if I let myself, but I didn't.

This first home we visited was in a very kampung area. It wasn't pretty to say the least.

These are the 3 boys who inspired me the most. Their smile made my day. 6, 8 and 12.

They have a 17-year old brother who's determined on becoming an accountant. The 8-year-old on my left also wants to become and accountant. But the 6 and 12-year-old said they want to become 'polis'

I have a different idea for the 12-year-old though. When I was sitting with him, he said this to me

"I can draw lotus" and he went on to draw me a beautiful picture of a lotus. I know I'm being a bit unfair to the other boys but I truly loved his drawing the best. He knew his way around the color-pencil. He knew how to shade from dark to light and even outline his drawing. I don't know why, but that showed me that God works in mysterious ways. By giving him a gift that I hope he pursues in the future, no matter what obstacle he and his family are facing at the moment. Oh, he also confessed to Acing art in school ;) Of course he Aced Art!

G.Jayaraj

You're going to be famous someday;)

Despite language barriers, hours of driving around Sentul and tireless interviewing, this truly was an eye-opener for me. And I hope it was for you too. I think everyone should experience what I experienced today, and really stop taking God's blessings for granted. Ps, don't forget to pray for these wonderful people okay?

I'll see you readers when I get back. Pray for journey mercies and that I don't fall sick this time around. See you in 6 days!

Be with us, mummy! It won't be any fun without you...

Quoting Peter Pan

2011-12-04T00:06:00.001+08:00

Oh, how I love Peter Pan :)

Never say goodbye,

because saying goodbye means going away.

And going away means forgetting.

Who is he?

2011-12-03T23:51:00.001+08:00

"So close, yet so far" To quote a song feels like a cliche right now. It's like waiting for that final domino piece to fall. Waiting. A thousand years of conversation wouldn't be enough for the two of them. She's finally brave enough to look him in the eye, and she sees everything that he is. Beautiful.

Walking side by side. It just felt so right to her. "Just take one step closer"
She can imagine herself in his arms. She took a nap this afternoon, and he came to her in a dream.
Nothing happened in her dream, he was just her friend, just like he is now in reality. Maybe, that's just it.

He's a friend :)

Wondering

2011-12-02T23:06:00.001+08:00

"It's just you and me again"
If only he knew what those few words did to her. How many times has she had to hide her facial expressions? The ones that would give away all her thoughts?

"Let him be calling because he wants to hear my voice"
What is she thinking? They work together, nothing more. It's all business. Casual business talk.

She feels like a little girl again. That 7-year-old girl who had a crush on the boy next door. The boy she longed to have play dates with. She would've tried any game he'd wanted to play. Baseball, basketball, football... But she wasn't a tomboy. How do you expect a 7-year-old boy to reciprocate the same feelings? You don't.

That's how she feels now too. Even at 21. Always wondering what his thoughts are. There are so many beautiful women in this world. What would make her the exception to this man? To any man for that matter...

"Don't worry, everything will work out according to His plan"

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" -Songs of songs 8:4b

The Bible is the answer. It's God's love letters to you. Listen and understand His plan :)

Stay with me, Lord

2011-12-02T01:05:00.005+08:00

In the shadows, I am waiting

For a whisper, a sound of movement

Listening intently for Your voice

Carry me through fears and scares

Vulnerable, is all I am

My body stills as I watch time pass

But I am not alone

Your arms around my shoulders

I can really feel Your presence

Surrounding me

Take Your time here

You're always welcomed
I want to hear every word You have to say

Stay with me

Please stay with me, Lord

A glimpse of simplicity

2011-12-01T22:17:00.000+08:00

It would be so easy. A life with him. Everything always seemed like a challenge for her. Every decision in her life had been a hard one. But tonight, she caught a glimpse of what it would be like to have a little simplicity in her life.

"Huh?"

Ten feet away from her, a familiar face was looking her way. They were both about to look away when they realized something. They knew each other!

"What?"

She wasn't wearing her most comfortable jeans, and her blouse was a little too tight for her liking, but she didn't think she'd have to care, until she realized she had to talk to him. It wasn't like she had to, but why wouldn't she? He was her friend after all. Conversation was so easy with him. Every time she thought they were on the brink of awkwardness and would have nothing else to talk about, well, they'd find something to talk about. He said a lot of things, but she barely processed anything he said. She was too caught up in her own thoughts. "We're actually having a conversation. A now, 20 minute conversation. How did that happen?"

No, people did not consider this boy good looking. But he was friendly, and charming. When she looked him in the eye, which was not very often as she would start to blush, she didn't see the prettiest eyes. She saw sincerity. She saw kindness. She also saw insecurity. She saw shame. She'd give anything to know him better. Spend more time with him. She wanted their conversation to last forever. Inside, she kept hoping that God will send someone like him to her one day. A boy like him would grow up to be an honorable man. She didn't know how she came to that conclusion, she just knew. The boy that stood in front of her an hour earlier may not be the boy of her dreams, but he was a boy worth her time.

He made her want to stop time. He made her want to read minds. He made her feel something. She knew they would spend more time together in the future, she just didn't know if they'd have any time alone like they did tonight. A very coincidental night. Only time will tell. Only God will know.

For now, he's the boy that made her 1st of December 2011 an interesting one. Not magical, not amazing, just interesting. He gave her a glimpse of simplicity:)

I'm hearing everything you're not saying

2011-11-30T23:30:00.002+08:00

I'm not dumb. I know when something's being hidden from me. Some emotion especially. I also know when someone's frustrated at me and doesn't want to show it. You don't know me well enough yet, but apologizing and taking the blame is what I do best. I should really be getting on your nerves by now. Nope, not another apology here. To try and face the immature behavior of this earth is beyond my comprehension.

As I say this, not everything is on my shoulders. There are other people suffering because of the inconsideration of others. I am thinking about the well-being of these people, which includes just about everyone, because I am learning to love these new brothers and sisters in Christ I'm getting to know. They deserve better, don't you think?

I stepped up and did my best. I was hoping you'd be my partner and do the same. So now, I'm stuck with my own thoughts. I'm hearing everything you're not saying because that's just how my brain works. Yeah, I over-think stuff, but that's only because I care.

I will not let my frustration get the better of me. Maybe you will, but I won't. I stepped up. Now, I'm going to try and be the bigger person. Anyway, I should let you in on a little secret. I'm not carrying all this weight on my own. Guess who's helping me? My God. My most gracious and awesome God. If you won't help me, He will. He always has been. I pray you will come around soon, cause guess what? We still have a lot on our plates and we most likely have to do it together.

Ps, I can sometimes read minds too. Just remember, I hear EVERYTHING you're not saying;)

Not just another prayer

2011-11-28T23:42:00.000+08:00

Rushing her little sister to the clinic, the only thing on her mind was "Please Lord, let her be alright. Take away dad's anxiety. Calm us all."

It was 3.30am. The unexpected happened when there was a knock on her bedroom door. First she thought she was in trouble for not being asleep yet at 3 in the morning. She just got too caught up in reading her latest storybook. She expected to see her father outside her door but when she opened her door, what she saw was her sister and her father. The little girl had tears in her eyes and her father got straight to the point where he was taking her to the nearest 24-hour clinic. She put her hand on her sister's forehead. Her skin was burning hot. She could only imagine the pain her sister felt in that moment. Her sister looked straight into her eyes and whispered, "Come with me." She could see the fear and the eyes that begged her again to follow her. "I'm following you," she told her father immediately. She didn't have to think twice. "No, you stay home and get some rest. You're still recovering yourself," her father had said. But she ignored his words and got dressed.

"Lord, please let my sister be alright. Let this just be a mild fever, nothing more. Grant this family peace." She thought of her father then. He was a single dad, raising two daughters, both of which were now sick. "And Lord, take away his anxieties. I'll help in any way I can. I'm a big girl now. He needs me. She needs me. He can't do this alone, and he won't. You're here with us, I just know it. Now, keep us safe. Keep us all safe."

No matter how small you see the situation to be, to me, every prayer answered is a miracle. No prayer is bigger or more important. There are one sentence prayers, there can also be prayers with a mouthful of words. But if you don't mean the words that you say, how do you expect God to take your prayer seriously?

At times like these, I know that God is with me. When I'm focused on my words to Him, he hears me. I know that my dad and sister are praying with me. I'm almost 100% well now. Just need to get my original voice back, if that's even possible. Some people say that when you lose your voice, every time you recover, it's a little different from the original. To me, that's sounds kinda awesome. I lose my voice ever so often, and every time I get it back, I can still sing. So, does that mean that I have a different singing voice every time I lose my voice? That's just cool. But that's beside the point. My sister is still in the healing process. Yes, the whole family caught up on much needed sleep today and tomorrow, we're just gonna spend as much time together as possible. As a family.

Remember, every prayer is important. When you speak to God, it is not just another prayer. It matters, to Him:)

Long week

2011-11-28T00:22:00.002+08:00

I'm back peeps! And feeling better than ever! Spiritually that is. Physically, I'm sick! But God is slowly answering my prayers cause I feel the energy in me starting to rise. It was amazing! NSCFL was simply the best. No regrets, I loved everything and everyone. Now, I miss everything and everyone:(

I can't tell you exactly what I experienced, you had to be there yourselves. But I will post some pictures I've stolen from facebook, introduce you to some great people I met. Gahhh!!! I must see them again. I was sick since the 3rd day of camp or so, so I didn't take many pictures with my new found friends, but trust me when I say I love my gospel partners with all my heart and I can't wait to see them again.

The follow-up from camp is serious. I feel more focused now. I realize that I can talk to God without getting distracted. Which is amazing. My prayers feel more focused and I smile because I know He is listening. I can feel Him in me. It's truly wonderful:)

Today was also my dad's birthday. FRANKIE MAH KOK WENG!! You are 61-years-old! No denying it, no running from it. My sister and I paid for lunch & dinner today. It was over RM100 each. Can you believe that? You deserve it la, Papa! Hehe. Thanks so much for raising us, and I hope that you had a great birthday. I'm trying my best to help out with the house work, and here's another bomb for those of you who know me. I'm dropping accounts.

I decided at camp. Before camp, I prayed for an answer from God, and I can't exactly explain it but I got my answer. No, I am not taking the easy way out. For those out there with judgements, and your own views, keep them to yourselves. I made up my mind. 9 subjects it is for me for SPM. I hope I can still be the class monitor and I know with God by my side, there is nothing I can't do. So Yay!! hehe:)

My peeps;)

I just love this:)

I got Yi Qian to take a picture with me:)

Ahhhh!!! Julian Yon. Isn't he cute? Just to be clear, he's the one in the middle. The other guy is Darren Kok, a new-old found friend:)

My group joint with Andrew's for this team building project. Heh, not bad huh?

Andrew and Manda!! Thank you both for taking care of me especially when I was sick.

Ian Ho. Tze Kwang's childhood friend. A friend like I've never had before. Now, stop with the HOT ex and muscle talk.

My girls. Camp wouldn't have been the same without each of those girls in the picture:)

Tze Kwang. You stole my idea, but I forgive you.

James Lim. It was awesome worshiping with you la. Must do it again next year;)

Joshua Lim. Why are you so understanding?;) Thanks for praying for me. I'm so glad I got to know you better. Better keep in touch;)

This was taken just before camp. Awkward turtle? No more. Friends and partners in the gospel. That's what we all are now:)

I'll be back. I'll be praying

2011-11-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

I will be gone next week for NSCFL Camp. So, this blog right here won't be updated till I get back. Which will be towards the end of next week. I have plans throughout November and half my December calendar is full already. Wow, busy, busy Sam! I can do this.

Been talking to God a lot lately, now more than ever actually and I can really feel his presence sometimes. I feel the serenity he gives me and I'm always listening for His voice, His guidance. No one else's. Aren't we all blessed to have a God like Him? We really should counting our blessings. It took me a while but I'm here, and I surrender everything to Him. Whatever it is, no many how many tears, He's with me. Sometimes, I can almost hear His voice. I pray and I pray. And that's all I do. I pray. And I'll be praying throughout my journey on earth and my journey with Him.

I will miss blogging, but I'll be back;) See you readers then!
Lots of love, your aspiring writer, Sam:)

I know you've been reading

2011-11-18T22:56:00.001+08:00

Haha, this is the randomest post yet but as some of you know, I'm sometimes a bit desperate to know if I have any readers out there and the LIVE TRAFFIC FEED helps me see just how many people have visited my blog in how many hours. I really like that app;) Anyway, recently, I've been checking my blog as usual, and I noticed that someone from Saint Louis, Missouri has been reading my blog quite often. I just wanted to say thanks. I know this may sound weird, but it makes me happy knowing I have readers from other countries. Hahah:) Sometimes, I can guess when a relative or a close friend has visited my blog, but I am almost 100% certain that I know no one from Missouri. So, from a teenager in Selangor, Malaysia, I just wanted to thank you. Again. Whoever you are. For making my day:)

Ring Ring

2011-11-17T22:29:00.000+08:00

I didn't know what to expect on this extra meeting, but it turned out better than I could've asked for. The competition was a bit stiff, but I think we won;) Who knew calling homes and short listing them could be so much fun? It does benefit to help others. Or at least, go through the process of it. One step at a time. I found out that I'm pretty good at conversing with adults. I have people skills, YEAH! hehe:) My partner ~~in crime~~ in charity was a little too competitive I must say. But if it weren't for the fake fights and egos, it wouldn't have been as much fun. From forcing each other to take over the phone to making fake calls to throw off the competition to inside jokes. By the way, our phone secret is out! (press number 3 first please...)

I think I can do this. I felt like I belonged just a little bit more in just a few hours. Thanks Linda:) I guess I do have to make a bigger effort to break out of my shell. And trust that I won't be judged by others on who I really am on the inside. E.I.P, here I come!

Full Speed Ahead

2011-11-17T01:52:00.002+08:00

She keeps going. There's no reason to stop, is there? Her life is full speed ahead. Everything in her near future looks like it's all planned out. She doesn't have time for 'unexpected' in her life. So, don't come strutting into her life all of a sudden. Not now, not when everything seems put together.

But everything's not put together is it? There's still missing pieces in this story. In every chapter of her story. She can't deny God's plan either. Besides, it was God's plan that brought her this far. He helped her achieve all her dreams, and there is definitely more to come. So, how can she say no to 'unexpected'? She can't. She won't.

In her mind, she's strong enough to make her own choices. But ultimately, it's not her choice to make. Then she thinks again. "I'm strong enough to know what's bad for me," but then she realizes making mistakes is inevitable. *Sighs* Deep down, she knows she can never deny anyone a chance. Whether it's another chance at friendship, another chance at forgiveness, another chance at love. She knows she's naive, she doesn't need people to tell her so.

She tries and tries. Never giving up. And now? She keeps an open mind, she leaves her heart open. Possibilities. There are so many possibilities. She understands and she's starting to believe. She never denied her faith in God, but in people? "Love your brothers and sisters as I have loved you," and that's exactly what she's going to do. Here's a lesson that she learnt: When you're driving on the road, even when life is going at a speed of 100 miles per hour, you will come across a stop sign or two and have to think twice before you start driving again. So please, hit your break pedals, slow down and stop. Take a chance. She did. And the 'unexpected' really doesn't scare her anymore. Life isn't always full speed ahead.

Amazing

2011-11-15T01:30:00.002+08:00

My mother had a beautiful voice. She was the reason I wanted to learn how to sing, not knowing I started singing since I was 3. I got frustrated when I couldn't reach all the high notes she was reaching, but she never asked me to stop singing. Now, I only want to sing for her. She gave me a part of her, and this is just one of the many things she's given me. I will never stop singing, I will never forget her voice. I don't have to be excellent, I just have to sing out of love. This gift I've been given by God and my mother, I will cherish.

It doesn't matter what she looked like after the cancer got to her, I looked and her and saw my mother. My beautiful mother. Now, I look at her pictures and remember nothing but beauty. I miss her, but I will smile, because she told me to. When the cancer forbade her to smile, I'd smile on her behalf. I can promise you this though, when she could smile, it was the brightest and most genuine smile in the world. To me, at least.

Family. My mother treasured family the most. It doesn't matter that my sister and I share different fathers, we share the same mother. Her heart is beautiful, always loving the 2 of us unconditionally. She always told me, "The love you don't feel from your father, I will love you enough for the both of us." She knew me inside and out. I couldn't hide anything from her. She even knew who my boyfriend was in Form 2 before I even told her. We even had the same taste in clothes.

My beautiful sister takes after my mother in many ways. She will love you unconditionally. Her heart is as pure as gold. When I was younger and fell sick, my mother would stop at nothing to see me well again. Now that I'm older, I want to do the same for my sister. But instead, she takes care of me whenever I'm sick. Tucking me into bed, checking my temperature, keeping me warm with blankets. I really couldn't ask for anything more.

A loving wife she was. She saw the beauty in everyone around her. My own father may have taken her for granted, but she never left his side. She forgave him for the past and so have I. I'm still learning from her, even now. My father now never left her side. She loved him and he loved her. It was beautiful to watch. I thank God for him in our lives. As long as he loved her, it was enough for me. No matter how much his words may have hurt me sometimes, I would've never run away knowing this was the family I was running away from. So, I never was that teenager, I stuck around. And I'm glad I did. I hope I find a man that loves me like my father loved my mother one day. Whatever happens, I know my mother will never let me marry the wrong man. She will be watching over me as usual.

Family and friends say we look alike. I pray to God that's true. Nothing will make me happier than knowing so. She's the most beautiful woman I know. Even a little resemblance will make my day. Strangers that passed us said that my sister looked like my father, while I looked like my mother. Of course these strangers don't know about the 2-father situation, but I always took it as a huge compliment. I'm my mother's daughter. Nothing else.

I miss my mother, it's as simple as that. People often ask me how I live without a mother at this age. Well, I'll tell you my secret. I live with her in my heart. I talk to her when no one's looking, the same way I talk to God. I constantly picture her in my mind, knowing she's watching over me, because that's what she told me. Her beauty lives on in all of our hearts. Even those who didn't know her. I will tell her story to everyone I know, promise. Nothing is more magical and heartbreaking at the same time. She was my mother. She is my mother. The only mother I will ever have, and I'm forever grateful:)
I love you, mommy:) I see you in my dreams and I wake up feeling like those hugs were real. Hug me again, hold me again. Please...

You don't have to learn me

2011-11-14T00:48:00.001+08:00

I never asked much from you. All I asked was to let me love my sister. Let me be with her. Maybe asking you to also let me love you was too much to ask.

Hi, my name's Samantha and I've cried all my life. I admit, I am sensitive. I also admit, I am stubborn. I was that child, holding on to her mommmy's hand, her grip so tight, you knew you couldn't separate the two if you tried. Only God could. And that's what He did. It was His plan. I believe in His plan. I also believed that you could love me.

You can't say I didn't try. You know you'd just be lying. I'm far from perfect. I'm broken into a million pieces, and just when I'm able to put some pieces back together, you break me just a little. Can't you see these tears are because of you? Sometimes, they are for you. Just look at me, really look at me. Listen...

I'll push myself to the limit. There are no boundaries when it comes to serving God. His plan is working, can't you see that? He brought us together, but your doubts of me are getting in the way. Let me in, let Him in, please... How many more years do I have to beg? We get along, don't we? In a short period of time, I have a choice to go, pursue my dreams, go wherever God leads me, wherever He's taking me. You know I've already made the decision to stay. Hoping that will be the plan the Lord has for me. No, I'm not giving up, I'm not throwing away my education, I'm just taking the road less traveled. I don't have to be the best, I just have to try my best. Isn't that what mommy always said? Or did you forget that too?

I am not mad. I'm just very disappointed.... in myself. I think I may have failed you. Failed to prove to you the love I can give, the things I can do to provide for this family. I pray every night for patience, and to love like He loves. I always wonder how He does it. But then I remember another person I know that managed to have equal amount of patience and love, especially toward you, my mother. She loved you. She still loves you. She watches over you, over us. All of us. The things that she's done, I can't imagine living up to that. But I don't have to. It isn't what she would've wanted.

I'm allowed to make my own mistakes. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to cry once in a while. I'm allowed to love everyone, no matter how difficult. I'm allowed to try. My Father above loves me, that's more than enough, but all my life, I've seeked your approval. Weird, isn't it? You seem to want me gone, my sister never wants me to leave, and me? I'm not even close to letting go.

Learning. All I said, was that no matter how many years we live, we will never be able to learn everything about this world. But it doesn't matter. When we meet God, all that doesn't matter. Did you hear a word I said? Maybe my sobs were drowning out my voice. A voice I thought you knew since I was a mere toddler. I sang then, and I sing now. That voice is still the same. I just grew up a little, that's all. I'm still singing my song. My song that entitles you to listen, everyone is welcomed to listen. But you said you will never learn me. Where those words came from, I will never know. You will never tell me, and I will never ask. The only thing I can do, is give you a way out. I've always given you a way out.
"You don't have to learn me..."
That's when it stops. Silence washes over us once again. I know we'll go back to normal soon, we always do. But I will always remember these moments. I've never forgotten a single exchanged word of these moments. When you break me just a little bit more, giving me more pieces to put back together. Hopefully, I have enough years in this life to finish my life's puzzle. If not, I know I'll be alright. I might even be happier, letting God put me back together instead. Seeing my mother, letting her hold me. No more pain, no more sorrow. Just love, in the most beautiful place of all. Heaven.

Just to let you know, I've never had this. I always wanted it, I pushed for it, I pretended I had it, but I never did. The hand I hold now, is my Father's, the one in heaven. And in my heart, I have my mother. Always.

I'm taking care of you

2011-11-12T01:46:00.003+08:00

I feel so light. Going through the motions of my everyday life. It's a blessing, the life I have. It's beautiful. It's magical. It's a little overrated.

I'm supposedly a good listener. I listen. Period. I care, definitely. It's not like they don't give me a chance to talk, I just don't have anything related to talk about. I crave for a chance to share my stories, my experience. Truth is, I don't really have any. I'm not qualified to advise them. But they trust me, and in return, I'll trust them.

I was so tempted. To just send a message and give him a chance. Just about any suitable him. But I stopped my restless heart, don't worry. I'm just gonna stick to my storybooks and fairy tales. They make me happy:) So, here's one more story for you.

***

"This is no longer amusing," Chelsea said a little too loudly. Cameron was late again.

Her blood was boiling. She couldn't stand it anymore. Why couldn't he see it? She needed him to grow up. Just grow up! She always asked herself the same questions, why she had to be the strong one, why she had to be the one to grow up before her time, why she'd been put in this position.

"Hey..." he touched her shoulders and gave her his usual irresistible smile.

"Don't!" she shoved him away and the tears in her eyes started streaming down her cheeks. She was always vulnerable when it came to Cameron. It took her great effort to push him away instead of hold on to him. She had always held on. No more...

"Chelsea... I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Don't push me away now, not now. I need you."
It was the pinnacle of their relationship, and for him to toy with her affections like this...

"Everybody needs something. I can't take care of you anymore. You're supposed to be my equal, my other half. Did it ever occur to you that I might need something?"

Cameron took in as deep of a breath as he could. He suddenly appeared older to her. He had a look of wisdom and knowledge on his face. The most incredible thing was, he looked like he understood.

"I want to take care of you Chelsea, but you never let me," he said with a calm voice.

Chelsea let his words process in her head for a few seconds before adding, "We're so different. I want to give you up, but I never can. And for some strange reason, you keep coming around. I need you present all the time, not just sometimes, but all the time. You can't be childish one moment and man-up the next."

He took a few steps forward and closed all distance between them. He held on tight just in case she resisted his hold, but she didn't. He kissed the top of her head and whispered in her hair, "You know how I can prove to you I love you and will never leave you, ever?"

She pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked up into his sparkling blue eyes.

He slowly peeled her away from his body by holding her by her arms. As soon as he was certain she was stable enough to stand on her own, he let go of her and a second later, he had one knee on the ground.

Chelsea was going to say something but Cameron knew her too well. Before she could say a word, he said, "Listen, and don't say a word till I'm finished. You feel like you've taken care of me our whole relationship, but the truth is, I've been taking care of you. You need to take care of someone. You can't deny that. No matter how many times you push me away, I'll keep coming back. When you're not looking, I'm nearby watching over you. Making sure you're safe. Because you are the love of my life. As crazy and uptight as you are, I fell for you the first day you agreed to have coffee with me, even if it was a sympathy date. I managed to charm you like I knew I would and then never gave you a chance to let go."

Chelsea giggled a little then.

"I am not a child. I'm responsible and you know that. And right now, the only thing I want to be responsible for is putting this ring on your finger and making you my wife. I will make sure you are taken care of all your life, I mean, our life together. I promise to even bare with your sudden temper flares. I have dreamt of you all my life, and being able to be with you is a dream come true. Ps, if you don't say yes, I'm gonna be forced to be just a little childish and whine until I get what I want." He smiled at her genuinely and there was no trace of the man she once thought she couldn't trust. He was in her life for all eternity. He was in her heart forever.

"I want you to take care of me, especially when I'm old and gray. So, I say yes, also because I can't bear to hear you whine about what you want over and over again," Chelsea said with an almost composed smile.

"All I want is you. Only you. Always you."

AW returns

2011-11-10T00:37:00.004+08:00

Hehehehe:) AW has another story to share and I can't wait to hear your comments. I, personally love the story line and am in aw of the way she writes. I know from reading her essays, that I still have a lot to learn. So, please do enjoy:)

The Happiest Day Of My Life

To most people, the happiest day of their lives is the day they tied the knot with their soul mate, or even the birth of their first born, the day they felt alive. I, however am the total antithesis. The happiest day of my life... was the day I died.

It was the night of Christmas eve. The weather was frigid. I had decided to take a drive back to my hometown. This would be the first time in a long time travelling back to that place, filled with poignant memories. As I drove down the familiar musky street, I couldn't help but take a trip down memory lane. Everything about that street seemed to play a significant part in my life at one point or another. I turned my gaze towards a sycamore tree on my right as traffic came to a halt. To most, it was only a tree, but to me, it conjured up a million seemingly insignificant yet profound thoughts...

"Molly, get down from that tree!" my mother called out to me, her tone threatening me. In an act of pure defiance, I pulled myself up onto the next branch. I heard a twig snap below me, but it did not deter me from wanting to reach the top.

"I'm going to count to ten and if you don't get down from that tree, you're not getting dinner!" my mother threatened. Her body was rigid with anger, her eyes on fire. I wish I had known better than to disobey her because the branch I was standing on had suddenly snapped. Too fear stricken to scream, I held my breath, already preparing the arrival of my death. My cheeks were hollowed out with fear and my eyes brimmed with dread.

I was caught off guard when I suddenly felt what seemed like a pair of hands instead of hard, cold concrete. I peeled open one of my eyes, still too afraid to face reality. As I slowly turned my gaze upwards, I realized there could have only been one person who would've caught me in time. True enough, it was my mother.

Hot tears streamed down my pale cheeks and onto her floral T-shirt. I threw my arms around her, not wanting to ever relinquish my grip on her. I think I was getting a little too heavy for her to cradle me in her arms at that age, because the next thing I knew, she gingerly sat down with her back propped up against the tree. She planted a gentle kiss on my forehead as she brushed away the strands of brown locks from my cheek.

We spent the next few moments in silence as I ensconced myself in her arms and rested my head upon her shoulder as she stroked my hair. Streaks of vermilion mixed with tinges of burnt auburn and yellow orchre created a shimmering rainbow reflected in the pond across where we were sitting. How I would give anything to relive those moments, anything to just be in my mother's arms once more.

My father was an alcoholic. He would return home late in the night and sometimes, he wouldn't come home at all. Most of the time, I would will for him to not come home. There were times when I just wished he was dead. The nights when he was home were the worst. I would be too devastated and frightened to even take a step out of my room. It was always the same. Dad would yell at mom the minute he stepped into the house. From the way he slurred his words, I knew he was drunk. I also knew he had been drinking when the stench of alcohol hitched a ride on his clothes and entangled itself on his hair and skin and followed him home. Then, I would hear a cacophony of noises, mostly the breaking of glass. I swear I could hear it shatter into pieces as he hit my mom with an empty beer bottle, raining blow after blow on her till she was scarred till the bone.

One day, after I came home from school, I saw a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, and right next to that blotch of fresh, red blood was my mother. I knelt in that pool of blood calling her, screaming for her to wake up. But she never did. Now, thinking back, I think it was a good thing she passed away that day. She didn't have to suffer any longer. She was safe, perhaps in heaven.

I was pulled from my memory by a honk from the car behind. I jolted up in shock and immediately hit the accelerator. I must have hit it too hard because the next thing I knew, my car skidded across the thin layer of ice. Frantically, I tried to stop the car, I tried to get out, but I couldn't. My whole life flashed before my eyes as my car crashed into the sycamore tree. For a moment, everything was a blur, and then it was white...

I felt those same hands, embracing me. Was this really happening? I looked up, with that same fear stricken look on my face. Yes, indeed this was the happiest day of my life.
"Mom?"

Satisfied

2011-11-08T22:50:00.002+08:00

So, guess what? I received all my exam results already. Every one. Well, except for PJPK of course. Everyone's still uncertain if that subject is actually included in our percentage... I'm fairly satisfied with most of my results and as usual, I'm not afraid to show it. (My blog also gives me a place to write down all my results before I forget them, and before I lose the numerous number of papers I've written them down on.)

My percentage? 66.44%
Now, lets look at how good/bad my results are:

Bahasa Melayu 60% B
English 79% A-
History 60% B
Modern Maths 88% A
Add Maths 65% B+
Science 67% B+
Moral 75% A-
Accounts 46% D
Economics 58% C+

Placing in class : 4/31

This proves what an average student I am, doesn't it? I told you so!! Especially those out there who judged me by my looks. I hate it when they say "I thought you were smarter than this..." I've learned to shrug my shoulders and be happy with what I can achieve. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you:P

The only subject I'm not really satisfied with this term would have to be my English paper. Like I said in a previous post, I wasn't feeling very well during the paper. Maybe that was a small excuse, I definitely could have done better. I know it's still an A-, but I've never gotten lower than an 80%. Form 4 really is tough. I won't let this happen again!! The marking scheme really was strict. Oh my my....

I just fear that I've let my mum down in some small way. She always expected more of me, but never pushed me. Always telling me I'd done my best even though I knew I hadn't. She stood by me, through good and bad results. I remember her holding my hand when I was younger, helping me write the last few words of my practice paper before going to bed the day before exams. I really do miss her. She stuck by me all the way to PMR, I can't ask her for anything more. I just can't stop thanking her for having been there, for still being there for me. I know for a fact that's she's watching over me and her love for me is strong. A mother's love is unlike anything in the world. It's different from God's love, I know that, and I'm glad that I get to enjoy both. I love you, mummy. I never want to let you down!

A sister

2011-11-06T00:49:00.004+08:00

She reaches for my hand, but I give her a hug instead. She's growing up so fast. I can't help but feel a little sad about it. She used to be small, but she'll always be small in my mind. I'll love her regardless of how big she grows. She's always there for me. I can always count on her.

You should know, that when I'm sick, she'll stop at nothing to make me feel comfortable, until I'm all well again. She may not always look adorable, but just wait for night time. She surely looks adorable when she's asleep, or just tucked into bed.

We may not have a lot in common, but we love each other despite all our differences.

Talking to her is so different now than it was before. She really is all grown up.

I really hope we never grow apart. I also hope she never keeps secrets from me. I really love talking to her when it comes down to it. I wouldn't mind telling her all my secrets, if she can keep them of course. I know I would keep her secrets.

Walking with my sister, hand-in-hand, is rare nowadays. I'm cherishing every moment for sure.

I love you, Mikaela Mah Hui Chern!!!:)

Peek-a-boo

2011-11-03T23:42:00.001+08:00

I see you. You're running now aren't you? Funny, isn't it? How the tables have turned. Should I be done waiting? I thought I was just done chasing. My mind isn't clearer without this little distraction. I think it would've been just as messed up. But what if you could help relieve some of my worries? What if you were that one person who could talk some sense into me. I always talk to myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm not talking any sense to myself. I'm not one to say 'what if', I don't want to have any regrets in my life.

My life seems to be moving at full speed now. But I will always have time to sit down and think. Or lie down and think. That one hour I use to go through every little detail in my life before I finally fall asleep at night. That's when I work my magic. It's my magic hour;) I don't want my mind to be bombarded with all serious thoughts. Of course I have time for you. You just don't know it. Yet.

I'm being responsible. Or at least, I'm trying to be. Isn't that what you want? I do know how to have fun too. I can laugh, I can smile. I can't help it, but when you look at me like that, I feel like you know. Then you're oblivious again. I sigh and stop running towards, instead, I run away. Then I stop running entirely. But without warning, you start to run. Away. So I decide to stay put, and wait. I will never be done waiting. You're an amazing creation. You know that? Just remember, I see you. I'm not trying to, but I do. And I know for a fact that you see me too.

I'm not hiding, I'm just waiting.

Chanel-ling my emotions, mummy. I feel funny on the inside. And it's not good funny.

I'm reading your mind

2011-11-01T23:50:00.001+08:00

Underneath that hood, is an amazing girl. She's just afraid to show herself. He didn't notice her before, why should he notice her now? Don't tell me it's the "Don't know what you got till it's gone" scenario. She's done with cliches. She just wanted something simple. Is that too much to ask?

***

"He is amazing." She can smile, she can laugh, she can make him smile, she can make him laugh. Can't he see past her put-together self? She's all broken inside. She needs someone.. to just hold her. "He is so patient with me. He takes the time to get to know me. I love the time we spend together."

***

"She is amazing." He wants something more, but he's afraid to act on his feelings. "I love talking to her, I love making her smile. She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." He can see past her walls. She's so vulnerable, and he knows it. He doesn't want to push the friendship. A very special relationship. He would never take advantage of her.

***

"Please read my mind..." they both make this mistake. Waiting. Not moving forward.

I really wish I had a story of my own to tell. I'm tired of bringing my self-made characters together just to satisfy myself. Isn't it about time I feel what they are feeling? I can pretend I know what being in their shoes is like, but I'd just be kidding myself. I love writing my stories, don't get me wrong. I just... want to experience it for myself. Maybe just one more time before I graduate high school a year from now.

This could be a really bad idea. As they say, "Be careful what you wish for."

If my prince charming were to show himself to me tomorrow, Sam would have this thought in her head "You're gonna be the same villain that breaks my heart in this story." If Sam keeps thinking like this, it's no wonder she scares of every boy that's ever taken an interest in her. Funny story, huh? Well after a few reruns of this, it really is no longer funny.

Ps, when I speak of myself in a third person, it's when I emphasize my silliness and sometimes, inappropriateness.

I read your mind. Because it's the closest I can get to you. Whoever you are... Just look for me. I'm the girl hiding inside that hood, among other things. This is Sam, spilling her heart onto a page apparently many of her family, friends and sometimes, strangers read.

Grow up Sam!

2011-10-31T21:12:00.002+08:00

Who said you get to stay young forever? Look at me now, do I look like a kid to you? A child maybe? I am a sixteen-year-old girl learning to make the right decisions in life. I have to think so hard before making a move, but that doesn't mean I'm prone to mistakes either. Oh quite the contrary, I make mistakes like a dog chasing it's tail. Over and over again. I do learn though.... eventually;) Yikes! Am I really sixteen? Do you believe it? I guess it's better than being 21, though I was mistaken for that age just a couple of days ago. I'm not that tall people!! Neither do I look that old, I think:/

I guess I should thank God that there is no boy in my life to distract me further. Besides, it seems to be every teenage girl's nightmare. A boy they can't stop thinking about...etc. I like boys, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm always waiting. For the right one? I don't know. For anyone, maybe. Nah... I guess I do have pretty high standards when it comes down to it. Guard your heart or have it broken, right? Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Still growing up, remember? Sometimes I just wish I knew if there was someone special out there that was thinking about me, and that I could possibly like back too. Doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon though. So as a teenage girl with hormones I can't seem to understand, I'm gonna wait patiently for my turn. Though this wait seems to be pretty long...

My studies. Boy, does that subject come up often. I'm actually thinking about college and it's not just cause I want to anymore, it's cause I have to! If you just so happen to be younger than I am, and you're reading this, don't think you have a lot of time! Trust me, I'm not one to give out any kind of advice but just when you think to yourself "I'm still young," you're gonna lose it! Decisions are inevitable. Just like growing up is inevitable. There is no time machine. There is no stopping time. I'm no math genius and I don't like numbers, but I know this for a fact. My brain often goes into overdrive. Do you know that I think for about an hour every night about absolutely anything and everything before I finally fall asleep? My slumber is very important to me, thank you. I love sleep.

I also love to dream when I sleep, even if it means that I'm not 100% asleep and I'd most probably still be tired in the morning, I love to dream. Though lately, my dreams have been nightmares, to me that is. They're not literally scary, but they are emotionally. If dreams are really supposed to mean something, I'm afraid to analyse any of the dreams I've been having. No, I'm not gonna tell you about it:P I just wanted to say that, don't be like me. I have taken my dreams seriously waaayyy too many times. That's what brings me to over-think everything. From my reality to my dreams. Combine those 2 together and you sure have a lot to think about! Sometimes, I think my over-thinking ways are driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure I'm just a little bit crazy already, but aren't we all.

Sometimes, I just have to learn to take deep breaths and think about nothing at all. Ahhhh, who am I kidding. My one way to not think about myself and everything I'm associated with is to read storybooks. I like to engross myself in someone else's life. And guess what? Storybook characters aren't real, so you really aren't harming anybody. Don't try this on any real people of course, that just makes you nosey. "Why don't you focus on your life," they say. "I would but I think it's driving me crazy," I (don't) say. So storybooks help me. Even if the romantic parts make me go awww and then I crave someone special by my side. I just have to deal with it.

Wow, that was a mouthful. I really do like having a blog and ranting all my thoughts onto it. Whether you read it or not, is your choice. *sighs*

This is Sam, saying "I'm growing up, deal with it!"

I'm a big girl now, aren't I, mummy?:)

Can't stand it

2011-10-27T16:56:00.002+08:00

"It will blow over..." But it didn't.

I'm trying to take deep breaths, but failing. Only little pants of air escape as I try every few seconds to get more air into my lungs. Cramps in my lower abdomen that only seem to be getting worse. Slowly increasing and spreading. My head hurts. "No! I must beat this!"

My legs are still moving. That's a good sign. But I don't think I can stand up much longer. "It really hurts, Papa!" I realize I can barely raise my voice to prove how much pain I'm in, but he seems to see it on my face. I imagine I look like some ghost whimpering in pain. He grabs hold of my hand and I squeeze it tight. He's holding on too.

By the time I reach the car, the feeling of vomiting is inevitable. My head's in total disarray. "Must bare it for another few more minutes." The pain has not lessen and I'm not sure I'm thinking straight anymore. There are so many thoughts running through my mind, so that means I'm still sane. "Oh no! Stop the car.."

Twice he has to do this for me, stop the car and watch people stare at me as I puke on the side of the road. Stupid long hair getting in the way. "Why doesn't the pain lessen now?" The cramps only get worse.

We're home. I rush to the toilet with whatever strength I have left. After though, the pain stays. I can't make it out. I sit there, outside the bathroom door, helpless and screaming. Someone hears me. Before I know it, I'm being laid down on the couch and sweat breaks our from every part of my body. I can't smell anything, but I'm sure I'm smelling pretty bad by now. "Aghh!!" The pain's till there. Anyway I twist my body, it stays. "Block it out!" I close my eyes and try and get some rest. My whole face is wet from my own sweat and there's a very unpleasant taste in my mouth. "No..." The voices around me start to fade. I can register them asking me questions, but I'm too weak to answer.

This is not my death bed. I pray and pray and pray. A few hours later, I wake up feeling a little taken aback by my surroundings. A pail on my right, blankets all around me. "Is there pain?" I ask myself. "Papa.... Get me up." It's gone. I'm fine. I look up at my father and think to myself, "I needed you. You were there when I needed you. You do care." How blessed I am to have a Father who answers my prayers, and a father who watches over me and stays by my side while I suffer the weirdest moments of pain in my life.

"Go dry clean your hair," he says. Now what does that mean? I'm better now. And I know I really need another shower, so here I go:)

Thanks for watching over me, mummy. I know you were here:)

It's only the beginning

2011-10-26T02:31:00.003+08:00

"Hi, my name's Serena," she said with her hand stretched out.
"James," he said with a smile on his face. He took her hand with a firm handshake.
"Stop smiling at me," she took her hand back and folded her arms.

They knew who the other were, this was just a form of starting over. Something they thought was never possible...until now. They were friends, old friends. Hadn't seen each other since they were fifteen-years-old. What happened between them? Well, I'm about to tell you.

7 years earlier...

"I have to walk away," she said, her eyes never leaving his.

"Don't! What more can I say to convince you?" he said, his voice almost breaking.

Taking his hands in hers, she took her last breath before saying the very last words she knew she was going to say to him, "We're so young, what we feel for each other now isn't enough for me to stay. I need to think of myself. I'm not old enough to think for the both of us. I'm speaking for myself now. I'm going."

Taking hold of her face with both his hands, he leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back and before she knew it, he was the one having to pull away. Tears filled her eyes then, she backed away and quickly got into the taxi that was awaiting her.

That was the last time James saw Serena.

Serena left her boarding school in Australia to live with her parents again. She received word from her parents that her brother wasn't doing so well. You see, he had pneumonia. Pneumonia is a breathing condition in which there is infection of the lung. She had been back and forth to Malaysia to visit, but she always felt that it wasn't enough. After hearing this, she was determined to move back. And after breaking up with James, she did.

Now...

"How are you?" he asks.

Standing outside her office building, holding a cup of coffee in her hand and trying to block the sun from her eyes with her other hand, she tried looking at him then. Really look at him.

"I....I...." she started to stutter. Why she suddenly couldn't think straight, she had no idea.

He decided to try another approach.

"I visited your parents the other day. Monday, I think. They seem to be doing well. They told me where you were working and I couldn't believe it. Your dream of becoming a writer came true! Well, sort of that is."

"Yeah, I guess it did. You went to see my parents?" she asked a little astonished.

"It was no big deal, I just remembered how kind they were to me when we were kids, always inviting me over for meals. After hearing about David's passing, I felt like I had to. Can you believe after being childhood friends for so long, we ended up going to the same boarding school at about the same time. Well, you got the scholarship of course. My parents paid for a 'better education' for me," he said, thinking about the past with a smile on his face.

A smile didn't appear on her face though. Instead, a frown took place.

"I don't want to talk about the past," she said while thinking about the night she broke her first and last heart.

Her brother didn't live much longer after her return to Malaysia, but she never left after that. She didn't care about her studies anymore, and she definitely didn't care enough to go back to Melbourne, Australia. She stayed and took care of her parents. Her parents didn't need the help, really. They were still young, being married at an early age and having David and Serena soon after. Serena always knew that she used her parents as an excuse. She never wanted to go through the prospect of facing James again. She managed to get a good job writing for the local newspaper after finishing her journalism course in a local college. But now her biggest fear and the one person she hurt in her life was standing in front of her...

James was quick on his feet and thought of a way to approach the now delicate situation.

"Hello there," James said with a little too much enthusiasm.

Serena didn't comprehend at first but then she saw the way he was looking at her, as if to say "Just go with it"

"Hi, my name's Serena," she said with her hand stretched out.
"James," he said with a smile on his face. He took her hand with a firm handshake.
"Stop smiling at me," she took her hand back and folded her arms.
She couldn't help but smile back, feeling his hand in hers had triggered something in her heart she couldn't quite explain.
James used one hand and put it to his mouth, as if he were about to tell her a secret.
"If you didn't know already, we're starting over. You don't know me and I don't know you," he whispered to her and despite herself, she giggled.
"I need to get back to work. I have a very important article to write about how some boys always know the right words to say," she said, hoping he would get the hint in her sarcasm.
"Not some boys, just one," he winked and watched her as she slowly backed away.
This time he knew that she wasn't backing away from him forever, that he would have the chance to see her again because in his head, all he could think was "I missed you."
Still feeling the imprint of his hand in hers, she thought the exact same thing.

Later that night at an unnamed restaurant...

"Here's to starting over" he said with his glass in hand.
"No, here's to new beginnings with amazing people," she smiled, knowing that this was the first genuine smile in a long time.
He tried to kiss her then, but she shook her head.
"We just met remember?" she said with a grin.
He was a little flustered but he knew that this was the only downside to starting over. He smiled and drank to her toast.

Who says people can't start over?;)

Silly Me

2011-10-23T14:04:00.002+08:00

My life is great. Really, it is. I can't believe all these opportunities that are coming my way. It really is overwhelming. I keep telling myself to be grateful, don't over-thinking every little detail. But I can't help myself. To make a decision, I usually have to over-think it. I think that's why I've been having off and on headaches.

I'm going to see a my doctor on Monday, tomorrow. Just for a usual check up. I think it's safer this way, especially seeing that I've been having headaches the past week.

I have a busy week planned. Hehe:) I've really missed performing lately and I recently got the chance to, with a number of different people. I definitely miss Blueberry Cheesecake and I've told them so. Maybe they feel the same way? :/ Well, I can't wait to sing with Rayshell once again. We're teaming up with another blueberry, Andrew to do a special performance. Can't tell you what it's for yet though;) Another thing I get to do is perform for Father Simon's farewell on Saturday. This is the reason why I can't make it to the Planetshakers concert. I really was looking forward to it, but that decision has been made. I'm going to do something nice for Father Simon before he leaves, and I'm happy with that decision. I also have a chance to work with Sharleen from my church. She's been really nice to me and I can't wait to get to know her:) Last but not least, I just found out from my Blueberry Cheesecake page that there's a chance we could perform at Prom THIS YEAR!! Wouldn't that be amazing? We're still unsure if we have to pay the full price yet, (it's really expensive) but we'll find out soon enough. Click here to see what we're discussing with Dang about for prom 2011:)

I know I still have a lot of studying to do for Economics and maybe just a little bit of PJPK... And I will find the time, I'm just very excited to be singing and performing again. It's been a while, you know? Oh, and after the exams, I have this photoshoot with Rayshell and possibly the rest of Blueberry Cheesecake. For what? Fun of course;) We have some very vain blueberries, you know? Not that I'm speaking for myself of course. Heh;)

So, it seems like decisions have been made and I'm happy with them. I just hope my brain will stop from going into overdrive right about now. I'm pretty sure I need the rest. I need another story for my blog too. Oh, and Annamalai, if you're reading this, I'm truly flattered that you enjoy my writings:)

I've sort of run out of heartfelt stories for now, seeing that I was able to shut all thoughts about boys out of my head. But you know what? Not thinking about boys makes me dream about them more. Weird right? According to Yifen, not so much. I'm just glad that when I wake up, I don't have feelings for anyone. I only feel that way when I'm asleep, or half asleep that is. Silly dreams! Silly Me!

I really need to get out of my head. My thoughts are seriously killing my brain cells. Boy, do I need a good nights rest. Then maybe, I can finally write another story here on my blog. Thanks to all those out there who actually read what I write. I feel absolutely honored that there are people like you reading my blog, so thanks:)

I need sleep, mummy:)

A girl's gotta grow up!

2011-10-20T22:57:00.002+08:00

Now, tell me who that is in the mirror?

Sometimes, it is hard to recognize who it is I'm looking at when looking in the mirror. There's a different expression on her face every time. Turn back the clock, wasn't she just a little girl a few years ago?

Decisions. I've made many in my life. I just found out, a lot of those decisions were made by me, alone. I was always too eager to grow up. That makes me just like anybody else right? Well, I only learnt a couple of years ago that my decisions are not my own. They never have been. I am not my own. I belong to Him. God. His plan for me.

As a kid, I always wanted the last word. I always thought I knew what was best for me. My family didn't really control me either. I guess you can say I had just a little bit more free will than most kids my age. But that's just it. Now, I'm no longer a kid. I'm not a grown-up either. But I am at that age where decision-making is kinda mandatory. Too many questions, unanswered questions...

Personally, I feel like I've made my decisions. For the most recent years of my life, I've made many big decisions, with the help of God of course, but I've made them. I don't want to make them anymore. My friends are at that stage of their lives now, where they're excited and afraid at the same time because they have so many decisions they have to make. I feel the same way, but I know that I've felt all of this before. Way too many times in fact. So, I want to cut back on the decision-making, but that's not a choice for me, is it?

Now that it's just my dad, my sister and I, I have never felt more alone with my decision-making. My mother always had a great input in my life, and I know my extended family and friends are there for me too, but a girl needs her immediate family to have a view on her life, you know? It just feels like the years go by too fast for me. I'm sixteen now. Seventeen in exactly 5 months from now. You'd think I'd be good at making decisions by now....

My latest decision: I'm not ready. Well, I'm not entirely sure about that. I'm still praying about it. I know, 'Talk to God about your love life?' Yeah! He is the best listener around. Sometimes, I think my dreams are supposed to mean something, but the further away I get from falling in love, the more confusing my dreams get. What a hypothesis, right? (Sorry, just had my Science examination today:/)
I'm definitely keeping my distance. I'm not letting my feelings overrule my better judgement.

A wise friend once said, "always remember to think AND feel" - Amanda Chan:)

It's not that I'm not open to it, and for the record, I am still very young, but the thought of it is comforting and scary at the same time. I keep going back and forth on my view of this, but I can't help it.
My solution: Keep praying. God has all the answers:) He also has a great plan for me:)

Another wise friend just shared with me something from the Bible yesterday that I should have known a long time ago. But it's always great learning new things. Open your Bibles to John 15 and read I am the true vine. I read it again when I got home and used it as my devotion. This wise friend's name is Andrew Foong:)

I am truly blessed. Sometimes, I don't think I count my blessings often enough. I love my life. I really do. And all of this, is a confession of a teenage girl named, SAMANTHA KOH SIEW CHENG:)

I know I'm a big girl now mummy, but I'll always be your little girl:)

Haunted

2011-10-17T22:25:00.003+08:00

"I am waiting for someone who will never come," she says to herself.

It's all in my head. I used my deepest of thoughts to make up something so utterly beautiful, it can never be true. I have known it all this time, still, I let it go on. What was I thinking?

"You weren't thinking," says a voice.

No, I wasn't.

I just want to go for it. I need you to go with me. I feel haunted. Haunted by this image I made of you. I can stare at nothing all day and have you with me in my mind. Sometimes, I can feel you holding my hand, whispering words into my ear. I'm haunted by my imagination of you.

You and I walked a fragile line, but both paces are slowing down now. Not to talk to each other, but to turn away from each other. My image of you is slowly fading, and with every raindrop, I feel a little part of you being washed away. You're disappearing ever so slowly, and all I can do is stare. I will wait until you're invisible. Until I can no longer see my image of you, but see you for who you really are.

"Enough is enough," she sighs.

What are you running from?

2011-10-16T16:12:00.002+08:00

There she goes again. What is she running from? Her footsteps are always faster than everybody else's. It's like she's uncomfortable in her own skin, needing to be away from people. But these aren't just people. These people know who she is. They know a little bit of her past and a little bit of her present. The knowledge of that gets to her.

She can make out who it is that she passes. Only a few of them make recognition in her brain. The cute boy she once had a crush on, the most talkative boy in class, the girl who was once nice to her.... Then when she finally stops for a few seconds, she looks into a place she told herself she wouldn't.
"I think I saw him... Shoot!" She picks up her pace and runs again.

It may not seem like running to some people, she's just walking really fast, but she knows she's running. If you look at her expression closely, you'll see it too.

She could feel some of the eyes she saw earlier boring into her back.
"Who cares what they think?" she keeps telling herself.

It still comes as a shock to her when she's able to shed a tear. Sometimes, tears. She's ran at almost every situation. After telling someone goodbye, after a simple get together with family and friends. It's become her nature.

She's alone now. But it's not quiet. So many voices in her head, telling her what to do, what to feel, not to run... "
"What are you running from?" you ask.
Try asking "Who are you running from?"
She'll most probably look you in the eyes, hoping to look into your soul but not allowing you to look into hers and say, "You."

So, don't ask her stupid questions anymore. If you want to ask a question, ask the right one. She will give you an honest answer. She promises.

I wish I could run into your arms, mummy. They're hurting me.

Bad move

2011-10-13T21:55:00.002+08:00

Okay. So you know how I like posting up essays I've written in class or in my English exams? Yeah.... I can't do that this time. Here are my reasons:

The essay in itself wasn't a very interesting one. I think it's my most cliche/boring essay yet. I'm usually happy and content with the things I write, but not this time.
I was having the flu throughout the examination. And guess what? It only happened during the exam. Before and after, "Nope, nothing wrong with me. I feel perfectly fine." What a situation to be in, don't you think? I used up 3 packets of tissue in total throughout Paper 1 and 2. I had it worse during Paper 1 by the way. And if you didn't know, Paper 1 is where I had to write my 2 essays. Booo....
I was a little frustrated when writing my essays. "Construction? Really? At this time? When I'm trying my hardest to finally achieve my very first A+, on my favourite subject, knowing my teacher most likely won't give me the marks I deserve no matter how hard I try? REALLY?!"
Inspiration? "Nada" I tried to think back on what Brenda Ueland said about inspiration, but I just couldn't. In the state I was in? I was surprised I actually finished the paper.
Lastly, and this is THE MOST important reason of all, I used real characters' names again. If you knew me well enough, you'd realize that I don't really like playing any other role in my essays other than myself. I'm always the teenage girl going through something. About the characters. The names I used were as real as can be. Real people in my life whose names I used to my advantage. I also didn't change who those names were. I had a fictional story with non-fictional characters. So, this essay just became very personal. I don't think I'd be able to let anybody but my closest friends read it. Unless I change all the names and rewrite it, but that wouldn't be original now would it?

I guess, I brought most of this upon myself. Especially on that last note. To make up for it, I promise to write down all my inspirations right here, after my exams of course;) I need to improve and practice makes progress right? ( I don't believe in perfection because only God is perfect, so practice for me, makes PROGRESS!) More stories to come from the girl who messed up her English Examination Paper.

I can do this, mummy!:)

You're Mine

2011-10-11T00:43:00.004+08:00

With her hands in her pockets, she walks.... Taking in everything around her. The wind's blowing her long, wavy hair in all directions, but it doesn't bother her. The sun is hiding itself from her. Clouds are all she sees when she looks up. That doesn't matter either. She takes deep breaths with every step she takes, careful not to let unnecessary thoughts enter her mind.

"I'm doing this for me," she says to herself. "No one else..."

The weather doesn't look promising, but that is why she decided to go out in the first place. Brushing her hair away from her face, she hangs her head and says, "Is he coming for me? Because I know he loves me, but I just can't feel it."

She takes just a few more steps, and stops short in front of a soft patch of grass, spread out in front of her. She slowly collapses onto the grass and breaths even harder, "I can no longer live like this, he's suffocating me."
She lays back on the grass, unable to open her eyes any longer, she drifts off to sleep.

When she awakens, she can barely see anything. Blinking her eyes, trying to make out her surroundings... Then, she sees him. "What are you running from?" he asks quietly, just loud enough for her to hear.
"You. I'm running from you. Why did you come for me?"
Covering his face with both his hands, he sits down beside her on the grass. She sits up and bravely pushes herself a little closer to him. "I need you. I've always needed you," she whispers quietly to herself.

Apparently he heard her, because a few seconds later she hears him say, "You don't need someone like me in your life, trust me."

She gets up and starts to walk away. Just when her first tear touches her cheek, she feels a hand wrap around her arm. "No! I won't let you go. This ends here. I won't let you run anymore, especially from me."

"Say it, just say it..." she thinks to herself.

"You're mine. You're the only one for me. You will forever be a part of me, and no matter what my past says about me, I'm gonna try for the sake of us, to be a better man. Because I love you."

Turning herself to face him, with tears in her eyes, she says, "No more running..."
Wiping her tears with his thumb, then bringing her forehead to his, he says "No more running... Because you're mine, and I'm never letting you go again."

Yeah yeah. I like writing short stories like this. If I had the time, I would have a longer short story. And more than just a few, definitely! My inspiration comes from my dreams mostly, because my reality isn't that interesting. But sometimes, I like to add a little bit of my reality into my stories. I just have to wait and see what God's plan for me is. My thoughts and habit of over-thinking definitely helps my dreams be more interesting. Sometimes, it is a blessing to have inspirations like this one, but here's a quote about inspiration I'd like to share...

“I learned...that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic striving, but it comes into us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness.”
― Brenda Ueland

Has my writing improved, mummy?:)
This is also for you Thomas.

I can't get over the way, your love stays the same Oh Lord

2011-10-10T01:54:00.003+08:00

Can't Get Over You - Anthem Lights

I love the way You love like no other
It's got nothing to do with anything that I do
Time and time again You forgive me
So this time I choose to stay here with You

Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

Here in the arms of my Father
Only grace can be found
So I lay my fears down
Nothing is the same anymore
You've changed me from the inside out
Now my heart is beating and it's singing won't You...

Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You

I can't get over the way
Your love stays the same, oh Lord
I can't get over the way
Your love stays the same, oh Lord

Even through the good and the bad times
You stay the same
So my song will remain
Lord...

Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You
I can't get over You
There's nothing I can't do
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You

I really need it

2011-10-07T22:15:00.001+08:00

I am currently researching home tuitions. For what subject? ACCOUNTS!! I just had my final exam today for accounts and I'm pretty sure I didn't do too well. I somehow knew what I had to do after though. I went up to my teacher and confessed. I told her that I would most likely fail the paper I just handed up. She looked doubtful at first, but after seeing her again after school in the teacher's lounge, I think she believed me. I asked her for help with looking for tuition teachers that could possibly help me. She tried, but nothing seemed to suit my already busy timetable. So, just before I left her, she suggested I try home tuition. I kinda liked that idea. She ended our conversation with "Saya rasa kamu bukan yang paling teruk la."

Yeah, I'm not the worst, but I'm not the best either. I can't even get an average mark, which is what I really need. I am an average academic student after all. I'm not giving up on this subject just yet!

I'm currently on www.hometuition99.com in search for a home tuition. It seems I am desperate and I could really use the help. I need it! I can't fail and give up so easily. It's not who I am, and definitely not who I want to become.

Back to my teacher(s). They have so much faith in me. Just looking at Puan Anis (My accounts teacher) and telling her that I'm about to fail her subject, just about broke me. I hate letting my teachers down. They voted me Murid Berwibawa for goodness sake! Did I mention my history teacher was sitting right there in front of Puan Anis and I? She was wondering why I looked so different. Most probably because I was wearing the look of 'failure', 'fear', 'shame' on my face. She just said I looked red. If only she knew she was the next teacher I'm about to disappoint. I am no good at History, Puan Zihan:( But I already have tuition for that so I just have to work harder...

SO FRUSTRATING!! I really want to look back at this and smile and ask myself why I worried so much or cared so much, but right now, I'm living this reality and there's no getting out of it. Just go with it, SAM!

All I know is, I can't forget the most important things in my life. Eg, My family, friends and the love they have for me. And let's not forget God who is still by my side no matter how lazy I've been and no matter how many times I seem to fail Him. His love carried me through it all:)

And Mummy, you're up there watching over me, just like you told me you would. I know you're there, you're always there:)

Say You Like Me

2011-10-05T22:11:00.004+08:00

The simple story of boy and girl. What is the story though? Please tell me. Since you're not saying anything significant, I'm going to go ahead and tell my story.

She finally does it. She's brave enough to say something. To basically talk to him. She second-guesses herself, but only for a little while. Then, she goes ahead and does it. She talks to him. She makes the first move, but all the while, she's unsure of what she wants. So, she starts a friendship. 'The Friendship' that would throw all sorts of unexpected turns at her, or maybe, just her heart.
"I Like You"
That's all she can think about when she's having a simple conversation with him. Looking up at him, and into those eyes that mesmerize her beyond comprehension.

Is he hinting something? How is she supposed to know? She has about as much experience as a ten-year-old girl with a crush.
"I started this," she says to herself. "Would he actually continue it?"
"What is he thinking about?" she will never know, unless he says something.
She has so many doubts and she's brought all of them upon herself. I think she's looking to him for answers. Not all the answers. Just some. Give her some...

I think this song sums up my simple boy-girl story. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the boy in the story, but I know that I'm not and never will be. I'm the girl. The girl that keeps hoping and wishing on shooting stars, birthday candles.

"Say You Like Me"

If you like me, then say you like me.
I won't give up if you don't.

What do you think, mummy?

Thinking about the future

2011-10-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

Again. I'm thinking about the future again. Little things that happen keep putting me off. How can I think about the future when I can't even get past right now? For instance, my exams. I have so much to think about already, why do I have to put unnecessary thoughts into my head?

I have fallen in love with some of these paintings by Thomas Kinkade. There's a shop in Bangsar Village that sells only his paintings and puzzles made with his paintings. All the paintings are no doubt beautiful. Breathtaking. I know what you're thinking, what do I know about paintings right? Well, I'd like to think of myself as an Arts person. I'm definitely not into numbers and all that. So here's a little something I'd like to share:)

Here are some of the DISNEY pieces. Pretty huh?:)

This Peter Pan one is a personal favourite of mine. I just love the story of Peter Pan. One of my favourite songs is from the 2nd Peter Pan movie. "I'll Try"

You know what I thought about when I saw these paintings? When I walked into this particular shop? I was thinking of how I would love to see one of these paintings in my house. This cozy house I imagine I have in the future, with my family. Then, I imagine my husband and kids in that house. And my thoughts go on from there.

I bet I'll scare off every guy I ever date if I keep talking like this. This just means I have to try harder to find that one man that's right for me;) Hopefully, he isn't too far away...

I need a break from all this thinking, but I just can't help myself. See this picture? This is what I think about when I look at this picture...

The Future. It's in your reach. Just keep driving. Keep going. I won't give up until all my dreams come true. My life is not going to be short-lived. I'll achieve everything I desire by God's grace. My career, and most importantly, that family I long for. For one thing, I know that my husband is going to be worth the wait because I will never sell myself short. I am deserving:)

I wish you could be part of my life in the future mum. But knowing that you're looking out for me from above is enough:) Help me make the right decisions, okay mum?

My walls

2011-09-25T00:22:00.003+08:00

When I said I wanted to be cool, act cool, not reveal anything, I didn't mean to build my walls up this strong. Because they are strong. Stronger than ever. Don't you see? I can't open up about almost anything anymore. I succeeded in ignoring things my mind thinks aren't good for me. I definitely did not let my heart lead. Maybe I should have.

I'm sorry. Why do I keep apologizing? Everything I do can't be a mistake, can it? So what if I thought things through this time? Isn't that a good thing? I think it was a safe choice for me. I want to be safe. Want to know where I feel safe? In the embrace of my family members and friends I've known for a long time now and can trust. I definitely don't trust easily now either.

My walls are up. I think they've always been up. Just that now, they're stronger. You can't see it, but if you try to get close to me, you will feel it. You have to work extra hard to get pass those walls if you really want to get to know me. I'm a difficult girl, aren't I? I guess that's just how I was raised. I'd like to believe I was raised right though. With my moral codes and everything... I can't be easily persuaded;)

I want to find love. I'm not running from it. I don't want to hide behind a wall either. This wall was built because I've been through so much hurt in the past. I will try my best to be vulnerable when I need to be, but it will be a challenge. "My walls are up" is what I use to describe my so called love life when I try explaining myself to my friends. They understand me, and for that, I am truly grateful.

So, tear my walls down. But only if you're 100% certain you want to see what's behind those walls.

You know what I mean, don't you mum?

Happy for a friend

2011-09-24T17:57:00.001+08:00

RAYSHELL WONG RUI EN, I love you with all my heart. I'm truly happy that you found happiness with someone after so many days of telling me he would never feel the same. You just have to wait a little bit longer, and love will come. I haven't given up, and I know you almost wanted to. I'm glad you didn't. We must always have hope, am I right? My love is on his way. Yours is already here;) I believe in the both of you. I trust him, but I will always have your back. Whatever happens, I will never leave you. In your time of need, my number will be waiting to be dialed. Just remember this, if he takes you away from me, I will have something to say about it. You are one of my best friends and I'll always be your accountability partner:)

You are amazing Rayshell. I know he sees that, just like I do. Always put God first and you will be fine. Don't stop smiling and being your hyper self. Cause that's what I love most about you.

I want love like this too, mummy:)

We're on the same boat

2011-09-21T20:38:00.002+08:00

You are loved LIM YI FEN!! Whatever happens, whatever you're going through. You're never alone. Don't forget you're on my boat;) We are going to sail together and show them how awesome we can really be:) I'm with you all the way. Can't wait for delicious lunch and bubble tea at chatime tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for the times I neglected you. I'm glad our friendship is on track and I can't wait for it to only grow stronger.

This is for you, and you only. Call me, text me, show up at my doorstep. You're always welcome:) Worst come to worst, you'll be my prom date 2012:) Or we could stick to our secret plan;) We just gotta get the blueberries to agree with us. Haha. We could always switch dates in the middle. Dance with all 3 handsome blueberries. What do you say? I love you to bits. Hope I made you smile. I can just taste that bubble tea now:P

Watch over us, mummy:)

What makes me happy

2011-09-20T16:14:00.003+08:00

You know what really made me happy today? And yesterday? For one, I have the bestest best friend ever. She gave me this card with a very heartfelt message in it. It was out of the blue, but you know how much I like blue moons;) JENNIFER WONG YUE TENG!! You are awesome and...

I LOVE YOU:)

OH! My English teacher finally complimented one of my essays. Heh! I was smiling:) Guess which essay of mine she liked? 'My Future Husband' Pfft... Figures. She even teased me about it. Which led to my little brother, Nicholas asking 'So, who is my future brother in law?:P' Oh well. She liked my essay. That's all that matters:D

Another thing that makes me happy is knowing that I have the greatest family and friends in the world. They are always there for me and even when they can't find the right words to say, I'm just happy to have them by my side. Sometimes holding me while I rant on and on about my day.

I'm currently wearing my 'don't-need-a-guy' ring. It's an old rusted fake diamond ring my mom bought me years ago. Costume jewellery;) Somehow makes me feel better about myself. I don't exactly know if I 'need' a guy right now, maybe wanting isn't something that can be justified either. Oh well. I just know that when that guy comes along, he will be someone that deserves me:)

I'm out! Love (happy) Sam:)

Love you, mom:)

I'm cool

2011-09-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

I don't think I'm giving anything away. If it was obvious, somebody may have said something to me by now. Or maybe not everybody is that gutsy. I don't expect them to be. I hope I have it in me to hold back. With the way I speak, the way I act. I just can't let my walls down when it comes to you. If you knew me better, you'd understand why...

I want to tell you, but I don't think that'd be fair to you or myself. Just believe me when I say I'm not perfect in many ways. My faults and flaws are uncountable. I want you to open up to me before I open up to you. You know why? Because in the past, my opening up has led to a level of vulnerability I dare not relive. My realization was a little too late. I have been taken advantage of.

Some of my friends said I should toughen up and not be so nice. I shouldn't let people climb all over me. I don't believe I do. Do I? I'd like to believe I know how to defend myself when it comes down to it, but maybe I don't. I wouldn't mind if you stood up for me one day, that'd just make me smile:)

I'm being as cool as possible. There's not a lot of 'cool' in me, but I'm going to try. I really don't wish to give anything away. You should know by now what it is that is bugging me so much. My blog is already an open book for everyone to read. You can read it, I'm just not sure that you do.

What do I want? I don't know exactly. When I feel like I'm getting there though, I'll let you know;) Just keep being yourself. I think that's what I like most about you as a person. I'm not saying that I have a crush on you, but I am saying that I'm not gonna act spontaneously anymore. It's your turn to make a move. Whoever you are. Try and catch my heart;) Or just catch me. I'm ready to be caught...

Over Thinking

2011-09-18T17:29:00.002+08:00

Over thinking. That's what I'm doing. I don't want to, but sometimes it feels like I have no choice. I just want my brain to stop working. At least about you.

Whenever I'm hurt, I want you to hold me. I don't know you, but I somehow want you. I know I sometimes live my life like it's a fairy tale, but who's to say it can't be? I see you in my dreams, and it's an effect of thinking about you too much. My little thoughts of you have become overbearing over my other thoughts. I just want a chance. Will you give me that?

Wow. I never ask for things like this. I'm not usually this outspoken. But I'm sure I want this. I don't want to think anymore. I picture you doing the same thing, thinking. Hopefully, I'm a part of your thoughts. It's too late not to feel a little pain, but it's good pain. I wanted this. I haven't been able to crush, let alone fall, and you may be the one to get me out of this. If you're not, then I'll just keep waiting. I know the wait will be even longer this time, but I have some patience left in me... for now.

Here are some of my thoughts. You, showing up at my doorstep. You, holding my hand. You, calling me up just to keep me company.

I want to fall in love with you.

You, being my first real love.

It takes food

2011-09-16T23:10:00.001+08:00

"Wanna share a steak?"

Is that all it takes? Food? At least we're kinda talking now. But he knows, and I know that we have something unsettled between us. I think that feeling will always be there. I think I kinda proved to myself that he does need me. I know I need him too, but I felt just a little different in the 2 days that I was going about the house not really acknowledging him.

There's always going to be a wall between us. Unless... He maybe sees me as more than a naive little girl. I thought he saw me as an equal. I thought he could at least understand some of the pains I go through. But I think he still doesn't understand. What am I to do? I think about him, and what he's been through. I can't compare our pains, that wouldn't be fair to any of us. It's different for everybody.

So, I wanna be the bigger person. I think I've already tried, but I'm not giving up. I will continue to apologize for my faults, forgive him his wrongs, pray for him. I have wrongs too, don't get me wrong. I have uncountable faults and flaws. I have to learn to forgive myself, and then him. It's all I can do. I pray for forgiveness too.

For now, all I know is, he used food to start talking to me again. I did not talk to him because I could resist the temptation of a medium rare steak. I did it because he's my father. He always will be. Despite everything that has happened and will continue happening(in my opinion), I still look up to him. Always will need him. And I know he needs me too.

Now, enjoy some pictures of food. This is majority of what I ate for dinner.

oxtail soup

garlic bread

medium rare rib-eye steak

tutti frutti

I was the only one who had tutti frutti by the way. Hehe:) My favourite? Grape flavored frozen yogurt with only jelly toppings. (Preferably grape jelly and lychee jelly) ;)

My smile is genuine

2011-09-16T00:14:00.003+08:00

I am so smitten:) No, not because of a guy. I achieved something this year. Something that makes me cover my eyes in disbelief every time I think about it. I can't hide my smile though. And that blush that spreads from my neck all the way to my forehead. Haha:D

There's still a few disturbing thoughts in my mind but I'm going to let myself be happy. I need to be happy. I deserve it. I have so many teachers to thank. Especially, Puan Sharon, Puan Anis and Puan Zihan:) I jumped up and down in front of these teachers. They really made my day. And hopefully, the rest of my week;) Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

I wish I could share this with you, mommy:) But I know you're smiling too:) Apparently being respectful to teachers, and being a little bit of a teacher's pet, gets me awards. I don't have to be excellent in my academic studies. I definitely am not excellent in my academic studies:/

Anyways, Sam's happy:)

I like teddy bears.

Silence

2011-09-14T20:46:00.001+08:00

My own silence is killing me. Why did I choose not to speak? He spoke. After the storm... he spoke. But the words he used weren't pleasant again. I spoke then. After a few words, I decided against it. At that time, I told myself there wasn't a reason for me to speak. There still isn't.

It's silent where I am. The storm outside is loud. Was loud, but now it's subsiding to suit exactly how I feel. I thought I was done with these feelings. Apparently, I'm not. I laughed today. I cried yesterday. Will I manage a smile tomorrow?

My smile is not genuine, for now. I'm sorry if I've been fooling any of you. I'm telling you the truth now. I am not happy. I was caught for my changed behavior today. "You're not the girl you once were last year..." What's that supposed to mean? I guess it means that I have not been myself.

The aftermath of a storm is supposed to be calming. This time yesterday, I wasn't ready for the storm that was about to hit me. And right now, I'm in the aftermath of it all. Never had silence drawn out this long. You want what I have? Take it. It's not that I don't love my life and appreciate all I have, it's just that sometimes it's not worth the basic love I want to experience.

My own silence is killing me, can you hear me cry now? No? That's cause I only cry on the inside now. Wouldn't want to start up another storm. The rain I see through my window is enough for me.

He is my father.

Can you hear me, mom? I need you. Mend my heart and hold my hand. Tell me everything will be alright....

Sandra's thoughts

2011-09-12T21:10:00.007+08:00

She can't see herself without you. You make her feel... alive. How long has it been since she's felt that way? She can't really remember.

"This is crazy..."

She is free willed. She loves life. She just wants to live it. But somehow, she wants to live part of her life with you. Sure, she's only sixteen, but what if you feel just a little bit of what she feels. What then? You are so different from anyone she has in her life right now. Or from anyone she's ever had in her life before this, people she may have let go of for good reason...

She has dreamt of you, oddly enough. And that happened when she'd just started acknowledging you. She sees your face in her thoughts. Wondering what else she has yet to know about you. Don't call her weird or peculiar, this is just how she is right now. She just may want to get to know you, that's all.

She's still unsure of herself in many ways. She's usually never sure of many things. Anything. So, she is unsure about you. You are barely a friend, and yet, she wants you to be. Not a short term friend, but a long term one. One she hopes is a good influence on her. Can you be a good influence on her?

She smiles when you're not looking, because a minute ago, you were looking, at her. For the first time in a situation like this, she's able to act coy, and treat you like everybody else. But in different circumstances, I'm pretty sure she'd treat you differently. Because you are special, to Sandra:)

Arnold has long been out of Sandra's life, and maybe he did play a big part in it once, but no longer. So, he is not the one she is thinking about so frequently. You are. If you only knew who you were...

He is a teenage boy.

Sandra is my alter-ego. And she's falling for a seventeen-year-old boy.

I'm not hiding anything

2011-09-11T21:15:00.000+08:00

So, I went out with my dad today. My dad, dad. The one I share the same surname with. Guess what? I told him everything. From some of my experiments and experiences from past years to what's going on in my life right now. I feel good knowing that I'm not hiding anything from him anymore. I'm no longer a little girl, but to him, I always will be.

He knew from the start that I wasn't perfect. Even now, but I can speak with more confidence, telling him and everyone around me exactly who I am as a person. I want everyone to see me for who I really am. My dad especially. I think I showed him today. I really am no longer hiding. Maybe I was before, but I'm not now. Not from anyone.

I want to move one with my life. Maybe I didn't let go of everything that happened to me before, but I am letting go now. I wanted my dad to see that. To know that, I do love him, even if he doesn't think so at times. I also had the 'It's okay if the time comes for me to have a boyfriend' talk with him. I had this same talk with my stepfather. Because I want them to understand that I am trustworthy, and even though there may be another special guy in my life, my love for them will never lessen. It can only grow. I'm not saying that I do have that kind of special guy in my life, but I just wanted to prepare them. I do hope to have someone I can trust like that someday, but that time hasn't come for me yet.

At this point, being a little girl to 2 fathers isn't easy. And yes, they are both fathers to me in their own way. Only I will ever understand this. I am so loved and feel so blessed. My mother's love would've always been enough for me, but instead, I also have these 2 amazing father figures to look up to. My mom gave me all the love she could give, and I'll be eternally grateful.

All I wanted to say here is, I'm not hiding anything anymore. Not now and not ever. I want to love and be loved for who you see me for. I will never try to be something I'm not. I've made my mistakes, and I know there's probably more to come, but I'm ready for whatever trial and challenge God has for me.

Welcome to my realizations:)

Last/Final Goodbye

2011-09-11T00:45:00.002+08:00

This is finally my last goodbye

It took a while but now I see

That there is so much more to life

Than that boy who couldn't appreciate me

So, I sing my last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was down

You always told me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Then you walked out of my life

Broke my heart into pieces

When I saw you with her

Only one month later

It took two years but who are you to judge

This only proves how much I loved you

You left me hanging with so many doubts

If your love for me was true

I bet you can guess why I'm so happy now

I think I've finally found someone

The wait for him was definitely worth while

You will never be half the man he is

So, I can't wait to end this last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was done

You always showed me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Now, I want you out of my life

I won't pine for you any longer

I am ready to say

My final goodbye

I know it's a little overdue cause this did happen a long time ago, but I think I finally needed to say it to myself. Out loud. Or maybe, just sing it:) I am really happy now by the way.

This is my final goodbye to you so, no more worries. You will never have to read about yourself here again:)

Run In The Rain

2011-09-09T02:57:00.001+08:00

I'm lost, so lost....
My legs are moving, don't know where I'm going.
I failed to express how I was feeling, and you wouldn't listen....

So, I'll run in the rain.

I feel so much pain.

Your back was turned,

So I took the opportunity to run away....

You tried to find me, but I was too far to be seen.
I felt so weak, I couldn't bring myself to speak....

I ran so fast....

You couldn't catch me,

You couldn't pull me back.

Do I need to keep running, till I reach a dead end?

No, I'll keep running in the rain.

I'll feel all this pain.

Your back will forever be turned,

So I'll keep running,

Cause I have nothing else to say.

Just a little song

2011-09-05T23:22:00.004+08:00

I want to spend my whole life writing.

I can't find the perfect words now to make this an amazing song, but I believe it is a good song.

Never underestimate a small feeling because it can bring great things. Thank you for inspiring me:)

Little

I see your face as I walk by. I smile a little cause I'm so shy. Don't you know you make my heartbeat go wild?

I stutter cause I'm so nervous. So, why don't you just take over this conversation and let me know why...

I can't help myself from thinking...

You're a little bit charming, just a little bit funny. You're a little too good to be true.

You're a little bit serious, just a little mysterious. You're a little too good to be true.

So, come on over and say hi, and just before you tell me goodbye, please remember the first day we met.

You looked at me with those brown eyes. I looked away cause I couldn't hide, that funny grin you put on my face.

I can't help myself from falling a little in love with you:)

My Blue Moon

2011-09-02T23:52:00.001+08:00

Once in a blue moon, I like to let my mind wander off to some faraway place that is untouchable by anyone but me.
I can control everything, every movement. I can control myself.

Because right now, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm still myself on the outside, you can see that. But on the inside, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing when I'm doing my favourite things. I feel nothing when someone says hurtful things to me. I feel nothing when someone pushes my buttons. I can't feel true happiness, true sadness, true anger.

What I do feel is fear. Fear that I'm unable to do anything. To be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, or even worse, a good follower of Christ. I need to get my life back on track. How did I manage to stray so far so fast? No, it wasn't because of the holidays. It started long before. And no, it wasn't because of the people I've been spending time with. They have done nothing but love me.

For a moment there, I thought I was starting to crush, but that feeling soon faded. Everything around me seems faded. I want to live a colorful life again. Yes, my life was colorful. So bright and beautiful. So meaningful. My life was and is a gift from God. I need to treasure it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Maybe it's an identity crisis, but I thought I'd been through that already. If it's not the people around me that's affecting me, it must be the things I'm doing to myself.

I'm a dreamer. I'm one of the worst dreamers you will ever know. I have all kinds of dream and I can definitely dream when I'm awake too. But when I'm asleep, my favourite dream to go back to is the one where I'm in her arms again. I always seem to be crying, because I don't want her to let go. Stay in my dreams mommy. Tell me what I need to be doing. I miss you so much. Don't let me wake up to my emotionless life.

But I have to. I have to make this life better for myself. I deserve that much. God gave me life. I wasn't an accident. I was meant to be here. There is a purpose for me.

Once in a blue moon, I think good thoughts. I know that here and now is where I'm meant to be. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl with so much to learn. So much to experience. So much to feel. I will feel something. Just like I only feel LOVE when I see my mother's face in my dreams....

Once In a Blue Moon

2011-09-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

Have YOU watched 'THE SMURFS' yet?

Gotta love BRAINY!!!

Neil Patrick Harris!!

Rayshell and I think they look good together;)

Clumsy, Grouchy, Papa, Smurfette, Gutsy, Brainy

I Smurf you! <3

My Future Husband

2011-08-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

Must he be perfect? Flawless? Of course not! But somehow, I just pictured him that way. I've always seen myself as a future housewife, with a good, faithful husband and a few children. Emphasis on the good, faithful husband;) There is no doubt that I have thought about who I'm going to marry someday. Sometimes, I even dream about my future husband in detail. Recently, he has appeared in my dreams almost every night.

Tall, dark and handsome. I didn't expect to dream up a cliche for a husband, but that is how he showed himself to me in my dreams. Hazel-colored eyes that were emphasized by a pair of double eyelids and long eyelashes every girl dreamt of having. A perfectly placed nose in the center of his face and a smile that would melt any girls' heart. Ears that were the perfect size, unhidden by a boyish haircut that made you want to mess up his unmoving dark brown locks.

"Honey! I'm home," my future husband would say as he walked through the door of our cottage-like house.

I could never believe how blessed I was to be married to such a masterpiece by God. Beautiful on the outside and even more so on the inside. With a sincere and willing heart, he would do anything if just for the sake of making someone smile. I would be by my husband's side one hundred percent, knowing what kind of man he was. Trusting him to make the difficult decisions for our family. I would have faith in him to know what was best for him and myself.

Endless conversations between my future husband and I. Even in silence, only comfort would be found between us. No awkward feelings whatsoever. Every night before bed, secrets and endearments would be exchanged. Even our arguments would be short, letting our love overshadow our disagreements. We would never forget every special moment spent together, from the time we first met, to the days when we grow old together.

Our marriage would be based on our faith, which we both must take seriously. Never leaving God out of our life together. That is exactly how we would raise our children. He would be a loving father, treating our children with respect and full adoration. He would not spoil them, but give them everything they needed, not wanted. At the same time, giving them all the love he has to give. I would watch my husband and children from a distance with pride, unable to hide the glow in my eyes and the grin on my face.

My future husband would hold me any time of day, whenever I needed him. Whether I had tears in my eyes or have just had a bad day. Wrapping my arms around him, my head would fit perfectly above his broad shoulders and against his firm neck. Forever breathing in the fresh male scent of him that would remind me, "This is my husband." He would be my rock, my shelter.

My imagination may run wild sometimes, especially when you ask me to picture my future husband. As you can see, I have done more than just picture him. I don't believe that he is just a dream that can never be found in reality. My future husband is out there, somewhere. I must have faith that I will find him someday, or maybe, just maybe, have him find me:)

My latest assignment

2011-08-23T19:25:00.000+08:00

When a teacher gives you the opportunity to do free writing, what would you choose to write about? Me? I got stuck. So guess what I did... I took one of teacher's suggestions from the whiteboard. She was listing down all the types of essays that could be written. Narrative, Descriptive, Factual, One-word titles, Argumentative... One of the examples she gave was 'My Future Husband/Wife'. It was under the category of descriptive. I have never, repeat never tried my hand at descriptive writing before, but I can tell you that AW(My anonymous writer) can most probably specialise in that category. I on the other hand am worried I won't be able to pull this off.

'MY FUTURE HUSBAND' What would you write if you were given this title? I already wrote one and a half pages of the essay thinking it was due today itself. Then teacher went and changed her mind. But I had already written so much, I am not about to start all over again. So, I decided to go with the flow. Use what I've already written and better that, and just finish it off with a hopefully perfect ending. Mom, help me!

I know this is an interesting title to write on for most people, especially me:) When I'm done, I will post it on my blog like I do all my other 'interesting' essays. Hopefully I can achieve a good grade for this one. 'My Dream', my previous essay, managed an A- with the word Interesting! written above it. Yay! I can't exactly expect more than that. Puan Nurliza never gives a grade higher than A- Sometimes I wish she would grade us out of 50% like all the other teachers do. That's all from me for now:)

Happy Birthday Andrew!

2011-08-15T21:03:00.001+08:00

For you and only you. Thank you for always being the first to read my blog. And commenting on it too. I wonder what you're gonna say about this one. Happy Birthday ANDREW FOONG YUE KWANG!! I know this blog post is a few days too late but I did show up for your birthday surprise, and give you those 2 shampoo bottles you're holding;) I'm glad you liked the card I made for you oh so last minute. Heh.

You have been a great friend to me and I really appreciate it. No matter what ups and downs we face, separately or even together, I know we'll always get through it. Because we have already been through so much together. Thanks for being such an amazing waiting buddy turned best friend. God bless you always:D

My Dream

2011-08-11T22:58:00.001+08:00

Yay!! My English teacher finally gave an interesting topic as an essay assignment this week. I'm so happy:D We were learning about one-word essays that day, and she gave us a sample of one on 'LAUGHTER'. She asked the class, "Do you want to copy a sample essay or write your own?" Knowing 4Meranti, they said, "COPY!!" The great thing was, after letting us copy the sample essay, she wrote down 6 one-word essay topics on the board.
"Please let that be our homework..." I was thinking to myself.
"Okay class. Choose one and write," said Puan Nurliza.
YES!! Here were our choices:

My Dream
Beauty
Music
Formula One
Tsunami
Friendship

          When my eyes are closed shut, and it's dark all around. That's when I dream. When I think about my dream, I do not think about my future, or what I plan to become. I think of the play of images that appear every now and then when I'm asleep. Some dreams more fictional than others. Some dreams are so real, they're hard to differentiate from reality.

          The dream I proudly call my dream is an unforgettable one. It involves some fiction, but the characters are ever so real.

          The sky was dark, but I felt safe. Why? Because I was in her arms. My mother's arms. We were tucked away safely in my parents' bedroom, under the covers of the bed. She was holding me tight against her body as she rocked me back and forth, occasionally stroking my hair back, away form my forehead.

          The sky grew darker. Thunder started to roar. Lightning started to strike. A big storm arose and I was shaking from head to toe. "Shhh.... Everything will be alright. I'm here with you," my mother whispered in my ear. My heartbeat slowed to a steadier pace, and soon I was relaxed again. Then, something striked me as strange. Where were my father and sister?

          "They're alright baby. They're safe. I need to take care of you now," said my mother. I made a small whimper and closed my eyes. I leaned back against my mother and soon fell asleep in her arms. When I awoke, I came face-to-face with the boy who broke my heart. The scenery of the dream had changed and I was now standing in the house where Arthur broke my heart. His house. The thing is, I was not alone. She was there with me. My mother was there with me, holding my hand. "Go ahead, tell him how you feel," she said. So I did. After I did, a smile appeared on my face and all the pain of that memorable heartbreak disappeared. My mother turned me around to face her and smiled. Suddenly, the scenery around us changed again.

          We were now standing in front of my school. My mother was holding me by my shoulders. I realised that I was holing my PMR results in my hands. I stared at it, already knowing what was stated. 3A's and 4B's. I looked up at my mother that was only a few inches taller than me with tears in my eyes. "Why are you crying dear? I am so proud of you. You did your best. You and I both know you were meant to be an art student, to pursue your passion for writing," she said while staring me in the eyes, giving me the reassurance I needed. At that moment, I knew everything was going to be alright.

          "Now, close your eyes and awake from this dream," said my mother. We were now back in my parents' bedroom. Sitting on the bed. The storm had long passed and in it's place, a clear and bright sky. Just before my dream ended, my mother said to me,"I will carry you through any storm. Remember that. Even when I'm not there with you in person, I will always be there with you in spirit. I love you."

          My mother is and always will be my ideal dream. A dream sent down to me from heaven:)

That's my essay. I love you so much mummy!:) Thank you for always watching over me.

An on the road confession

2011-08-08T22:07:00.007+08:00

They were no longer kids. Nobody could tell them what they could and couldn't do. Once separated, but now reunited. This is real. Nothing could feel this good, and not be real. Going back and repeating what they did when they were just a couple of 15-year-olds, gave them an opportunity to explore something beyond friendship. They're 24-years-old now. Back for the holidays. Living in the houses just opposite each other.

A little peek to the right and she knew that he was thinking hard. "Please don't say it... Please don't say it...."
Staring out her window, she nervously hummed the first song that came into her head. "Take time to realize, that your warmth is crashing down on me.."
His head turned a little to the left. She looked at him then, 3 seconds later, he looked away. "Oh my! What have I done?" she thought to herself.
"9 years.." he said. She jumped a little and turned her body to face him. They were still on an empty highway, on the way to nowhere in particular, in the middle of the night.
Those were not the words she was expecting him to start with, but she waited patiently for him to go on.
"9 years of friendship, and you choose now to tell me?" Another pause, and he went on "You're in love with me." More a statement than a question.
Before she could say anything.. "And I'm in love with you."
Tree after tree, still very few cars on the road. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him then. She just stared. When he pulled over, her heartbeat accelerated. She realized she wasn't breathing consistently.
He turned his whole body to face her. The scenery around them seemed to have disappeared as she stared directly into his eyes. She closed her eyes for about 5 seconds. It was dark all around, but she wasn't afraid. The girl who was usually so terrified of the dark was not afraid. "I've got abandonment issues. I know I do," she thought, trembling slightly as she brought to mind her past disappointments, past failed relationships. But she felt comfortable, somehow. Secure, even. Right here, right now. With him, and only him did she feel safe.
"I'm gonna kiss you now," and a second later he did. It wasn't without warning, but she was still caught off guard. When she opened her eyes again, the car was moving. Staring at the signboard ahead, she realized what was happening. To her, and only in her eyes, she read the words 'HOME' on the signboard. No longer were they going nowhere, they were headed back, to the place it all started.
"I'm not going anywhere without you now, " he said.
"Just drive," she said.

"This is our thing, sneaking out at night and just driving around." said Todd.
"This is our thing." Wendy gave him a smile, then sat back, closed her eyes and just enjoyed the ride. She was in a world of her own, happy and nobody could take that away from her. No one could take him away from her. Not again.

The adventures of Brenda and Directions

2011-07-27T22:38:00.001+08:00

"Are you staying back today?"

Thank you Yi Qian's mom for fetching us all to lunch. (Andrew, Tzekwang, Brenda, I and Yiqian of course) Lunch was good. Just right. And the random table topics that came up were cool too. Reminiscing about life as a Primary school student was.... interesting. Right Mr. I sweared words I didn't even understand? Fakta-fakta and Permuafakatan were very important words in our topic of discussion, no? Haha. Anyway, the adventure starts with a search for Seventeen Magazine(August issue!) ;)

"Maybe there'll be more magazine selling shops down the road."

We went to a total of 2/3 SevenElevens and another few magazine/junk food shops. No 17Mag. Humph. Following the path down from Yu Yiee restaurant, she found herself just opposite Damansara Utama. *Gulp* "I see and overhead bridge...."

Walking up those slippery steel steps so high above the ground... Ahhh... *I was definitely screaming on the inside* Thank God Brenda read my mind and started praying as we took the last few steps to the top. "Now, all we have to do is walk across this extremely high bridge to get to the other side of the road." ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM I looked down, so. high. up. so. many. cars. so. scary! "Don't worry Sam, I've used this bridge many times before."

"But I'm scared of heights!" "So am I," she replies. *FAST FORWARD* "Phew!! I never knew how great my fear of heights were till now." I bet she laughed at me on the inside :/

Need... to find.... that magazine shop yifen told her about. (Carefully) cross this road, cross that road. See this landmark, remember that landmark. And then, we come across this shop lot filled with just magazines. (No, it was not the one yifen had suggested) But it was THERE. 17MAGAZINE!! There you are!!

No, we did not go straight back to school. We stopped... at... a DVD store. And bought... 4 6 DVDs in total. Hehe;)
Let me see... they were:

Letters to Juliet <3
Flipped (Old but good)
Pride and Prejudice (Legendary)
Waters for Elephants (Recommended)
Soul Surfer (Inspiring)
You Again (Funny, chick flick, which we are watching tmr at my place;))

We took some time there, yes. Who wouldn't? It was air-conditioned! :P Then we started walking back to school. Brenda, a little unsure if she was going the right way, stopped and did a double take with a friendly face. Then we were off.

Green obstacle alert! Tree branches everywhere. People cutting down more tree branches. Our way was literally blocked. I was thinking of taking another road in the housing area but Brenda said the roads were tricky and we could get lost. "We'd been doing so well so far, I am not getting lost now!" And how nice were the workers to MOVE THE TREE BRANCHES for us. YAY!!! We got passed that obstacle and every 10 steps, we would say "We're almost there!"

One step. Two steps. We're ~~home~~ in school. Yippee! For me, the adventure didn't end until I got to the bathroom. And then that was THE END for me.

-Hoped you liked reading about mine and Brenda's journey on a typical Wednesday. Did I mention? Brenda did not scream the whole way there, and the whole way back. Especially when crossing the roads;) And for me to put my trust in her and let her lead the way, was not a very big risk at all. I trusted her and see how well things turned out:) We were back in one piece, safe and sound.

Thanks mom for watching over us:)

What to feel

2011-07-27T00:23:00.002+08:00

*smiles* "I'm so happy for you. You deserve this, really."
*smiles**hug* "Wow, when did that happen? I'm happy you're happy."
*smiles**small shriek**big hug* "That's great. Look at you, you're glowing. I'm so happy for you."
What do you feel when you say you're happy in situations like these? Maybe you're truly happy, but when you do it over and over and over again... (OW!) I feel.... not jealousy, not envy, not anger, not sadness(exactly).. I feel.... I don't know what I feel, what I'm supposed to feel.

Her eyes looked straight at the picture in front of her. Pictures. She centres in on the smiles, the wrinkles at the eyes. True bliss shone from that one simple low light picture. She looks up at her friend and fakes a smile that's so convincing. After class, she hurries down each step, still careful not to trip. Grabbing her chest cause she's feeling..... some kind of pain. It grows as she reaches the last step. A blank expression covers her once smiling face. "Here's that feeling again.." Wrinkles in between her eyebrows give away her confusion. No one around to judge her, so why bother? Deep breaths.

She's listening but she isn't paying attention. She asked for this, it's what a friend does. Hear her friend out, especially when they have happy news. When they're all so happy. "I'm sorry, but I don't relate to your feelings," she thinks to herself. Way to often, she does that. Think to herself, talk to herself. Looking up and into her friend's eyes, she gives another one of her infamous deceiving smiles. Just breathe.

Her last experience is what she looks back on at times like these. Her friends ask her why she would put herself through something so silly and so far in the past, this is why. When they speak of their love lives, she thinks of the only moment she might have actually experienced the same thing. She asks to know about them, but does she really want to hear it? No one to blame but herself. So she looks behind her. An ugly picture is staring her in the face. It isn't even finished. It has just been left hanging. She wonders if she had the heart to finish the picture, if she'd be any happier.. She answers herself with a simple no. She looks forward again. She sees love in her life. She has amazing family and friends, no doubt. But she still wants to know what to feel when moments like these come and pass, more frequent now than ever. So she just keeps breathing, deep breaths.

Acting

2011-06-13T22:34:00.001+08:00

What do you think about acting? Well, I attended an acting workshop this past holiday and it was great. Although I showed up late on the last day, the performance day, I made it anyway. I got to act with the rest of the class. Show some of our parents and other visitors what we learnt in the 3 days of workshop.

Our 19-year-old teacher Tess was amazing. She was young, of course, beautiful and very talented. She also has a very interesting background story to tell, but I'm not going to talk about that. She is shameless when it comes to acting and that's how we all ought to be when we act. But she also takes it very seriously. It's her passion I guess.

Instead of just describing to you what I learnt, I'm going to tell you (from my point of view) how acting felt like. I was the oldest in the class, yet again. But I'm pretty sure I had the least stage experience. Yeah, I've done Public Speaking and performed on stage some times before, but that was me singing. Acting is a totally different experience altogether. Like I said, you got to be shameless. Do you really think I'm shameless? Well, those of you who know me that is. Maybe I am, sometimes. But not all the time.

On the last day, I arrived at the English centre towards the end of the morning after leaving my CF outing slightly early. I was told that I stunk, but nothing less was expected of my new found friends, of course. Spending 3 days expressing ourselves through acting really brings people together, you know? I was excited that I was still able to be part of the activities later that day.

We had very limited time that day, so we only did 3 improvised scenes that could also be described as games. We had no scripts, nothing rehearsed, and that's what we all had voted on the day before. We all agreed we worked better without the pressure of memorised lines and pre-rehearsed body movements and so on.

We kicked start the 'performance' with a game we like to call 'Who I am'. This game is a little hard to explain so I'm just going to move on to the next game we played. 'Hesitation'. We'd have a scene and audience members would have to shout out random words while we were acting. We would then have to use those words in our scene no matter how random they were. I played a little girl at the zoo with my mom(Celine) and a zoo keeper(Shakeel). Some of the random words we were given were :balloon, tiger, lion, dinosaur, airport, candy, giraffes, crazy....
The next scene was between my sister and 3 other friends(Wei Hong, Zainul, Jessica). They were at the hospital. My sister played the patient. Words they got from the audience were: water, lunch, injection, McDonalds, emergency, doctor, camera....

Ok, maybe those game weren't that fun, but like I said, lack of time. The last game was kinda successful, in my eyes at least. 'Magic Chairs'. In normal circumstances, we would have 7 chairs, one for each student at different situations/locations. And once we chose to sit on them, we'd have to create a character with a motivation of being at that location or in that situation. The character must also have a good background story. But because we had limited space in the room, we used different places on the ground instead of chairs. I'm not going to be long winded and tell you all 7 stories, so I'll just tell you mine and my sisters. Oh, and we were asked questions by Tess about our characters, it was part of the exercise.

My sister was put beside a swimming pool. So this is what she came up with.... She was a single mother. Husband wanting a divorce. She was currently watching her 8-year-old daughter swimming in the pool. Her husband wanted a divorce because he had troubles with their daughter. According to her, he often called her daughter a beast. Her daughter shared the same distaste for her father. She was depressed. She acted emotionless and was thinking about the future while watching her daughter swim.
Nice story, huh?

Mine? Well, I'd say I've got nothing on my sister. I loved her imagination and her story. I was put in the playground. I chose to be a 26-year-old character named Lily. I was swinging lightly on the swings in the middle of the night. Why? Because I'm confused about my recent heartbreak. I was dating two guys at once. Had them both wrapped around my fingers and took full advantage of that. The 2 guys were also related, as uncle and nephew. Zeke and Jack were their names. Zeke the nephew, Jack the uncle. Jack was my childhood best friend that turned into something more whilst Zeke was a nice guy I met in high school and had dated since. I dated both simultaneously until I was caught. Then, I lost them both. My fault. The play ground held special meaning for me because I used to play in the sand there with Jack when we were just kids and Zeke and I played on the swings there together as older kids, always competing to see who could swing higher. I knew I was in love with them both and losing them, broke my heart. My own fault.
So that's my made up story. It was fun.

Now, I'm anxious for my acting debut. Well, it's sort of like an acting debut. My English class is having their annual performance day on the 25th of June at Tropicana Golf Club. It's so soon!! I have a part singing with the 4-year-olds in the opening act. My main part is playing a wife in a play title 'Bad Dream'. In the play, I have a very arrogant husband that has little care for the people around him, especially the people he works with. In his dream, I leave him and he comes to his senses when he awakens. From then on, he changes his behaviour, especially when treating other people. Cliche, I know. And I've got lines to remember! Trust me, acting isn't easy, especially script acting. I find singing much easier, thank you. Haha. We'll just see how I do, huh? I'm also understudying for a mother role but it's unlikely I'd have to play that too. This is my first year being exposed to activities like these and I'm having the time of my life. I look forward to it almost every week.

There's a lot more I can say about these Saturday classes I've started taking this year. Creative Writing and Public Speaking class is a blast. I wish I could join the English Literature classes but they're on Wednesday and I have extra curricular at school on that day thanks to the government. Oh well, we can't have it all right? Will update you more on my performing progress. I wish you could see me having fun acting as well as singing, mom:)

A little info: I have a band, an acoustic band named 'Blueberry Cheesecake'. And pls, pls read the pieces AW writes here on my blog. I absolutely love them and AW inspires me so. I write too, just not as well. I love AW to bits and make sure you comment on her story 'HOME'. :)

Home

2011-06-07T00:52:00.002+08:00

I impatiently drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. I turned my gaze back on the road where the traffic seemed to stretch out for miles far beyond my view. I sighed and turned on the radio. A familiar tune filled the car. “I’m coming home, I’m coming home. Tell the world I’m coming home…” Despite my frustration, my lips slid up into a smile. Indeed, I was going home.

I lived in Damansara Utama, a small housing area in the huge city of Petaling Jaya. However, due to work circumstances, I was forced to move out of the state. I’ve always wanted to go back home, I missed my parents. I often dreamt of returning home to be greeted by the warm welcome and embrace of my parents, yet I never seemed to be able to find the time to do so. You see, I work in the advertising line where life is all about date lines, date lines and more date lines. The purple-blue rings smoothed like smudges of dirt under my eyes simply prove how much sleep I get. I’m perpetually fighting off sleep and have to down at least 10 cups of coffee and sometimes a few cans of red bull to keep me awake.

As the traffic finally starts to ease out, I reach for the can of red bull on the passenger seat and take a sip. Home. The word brings back so many memories. Home is where you get all your “firsts”- your first word as a baby, your first tooth, your first day of school, your first sports day. Now, that’s an interesting memory, sports day. Inside my mind, my memory box unveils itself and the memory of my first sports day begins to unfold.

I was 8. It was the annual Puay Chai Primary School sports day. A few weeks before, teacher had chosen me to represent my house in a running event. Ever since that day, I would plead my mom to take me to the nearby park to practice running. I loved it. My brown hair bounced in waves on my shoulders as the wind whistled in my ear. After weeks of practice, the big day finally arrived. I could’ve sworn there were ants in my pants, I felt so nervous. “Students involved in the running event, please take your places on the tracks,” announced the principal. I pressed my lips together to conceal my nervousness. As I stole a glance at my contenders, a fresh spasm of fear leapt through me and I inhaled deeply to calm myself down. I scanned the crowd and looked to my mom for reassurance. She gave me a thumbs up and that was all I needed to feel confident again.

The gun shot sounded and I pounced forward. The crowd was cheering, yet all I could hear was the sound of my adrenaline pumping. It battered in my ears, pounded in my head and drummed in my throat. Every step sent jolts up my body. I saw the finishing line, it was less than 5 steps away. I can make it, I can win, I thought. Just then, I tripped on my own foot and fell. My face closed down, like dominoes falling, my expression went from hope to defeat. The other runners, oblivious to my fall, ran past, vying for the grand prize. My knees were scratched up and my palms were red from trying to break the fall, but that wasn’t what hurt the most. Tears welled up in my eyes and I pressed my lips flat to stop myself from breaking down in public. I looked to my mom expecting disappointment to be knitted on to every inch of her face. Instead, my mom gave me a big smile and continued to cheer on. “You can do it, Emily!” my mom cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled. I gave a toothless grin, got up and finished the race. I may not have won, but that day, I learnt something of much higher value- my mom believed in me and she still does. Plus, it’s not always about winning, it’s the journey that you gain the most from.

The memory folded itself back into the memory box and I was back on the road. To my surprise, I was already in Petaling Jaya. In fact, my car had turned a corner into a very familiar road- my secondary school.

I pulled up my car by the school gate for a moment and wound down the windows. I perched my sunglasses on the top of my head to get a clearer view of the school. Nothing much seemed to have changed. Besides the new coat of paint, the layout of the school was still the same as before. I took a breath of the school air. Perfume from the teachers, oil from the canteen and the scent of puppy love entered my nostrils and filled my lungs. Let’s not kid ourselves here, we’ve all had at least one crush in secondary school if not more than that.

Another memory popped up from the memory box. This time in the form of a book. Pages flipped and flew and then it stopped. I rested my chin on the open window and the little time machine in my mind brought me back to my secondary school years. I was in form 2. Being in the older group lo students in the afternoon session, I thought I had seen it all. Clearly, I was being naïve, there were still countless lessons I had yet to learn, one of them being heart break.

His name was Alex. He was of average height with a muscular physique. He had mahogany brown eyes that could light up the room, an aquiline nose, high cheek bones and a mop of dark wavy hair. His cheeky smile revealed a set of perfectly aligned pearly whites. Being of mixed heritage, he inherited his father’s olive complexion and his mother’s thick, long eye lashes. Although I consider myself a cheery soul, his genuine bonhomie made me look like a miserable kid that didn’t get her ice cream. Even though he was new at the school, he soon became the heart throb of every girl- every girl in school except me.

He was placed in my class and as the monitor, I was assigned to be his “tour guide” around the school. I really didn’t mind, he seemed like a nice chap. As I took him around school and explained the rules and regulations, he listened attentively. Normally, these sort of things would have a soporific effect on students, I have to admit, I had to stifle a few yawns myself, but this guy seemed genuinely interested. As we talked more and got to know each other better, I found out he liked history and aspired to become a lawyer. I guess that explained why he was so interested in the history of the school. He was laid back and easy going, he walked with the confident loose-limbed swagger of youth. He also loved acoustic music just as I. We clicked and soon enough became best friends.

The pages of the book flipped vigorously again and opened up at my form 5 year. How fast time flew was a wonder to me. Alex and I managed to maintain our relationship as best friends. Though I was often warned of the dangers of platonic relationships, I personally found no harm in it. After all, it was never going beyond the borders of best friends, or so I thought.

We studied hard and later found out that we scored with flying colours in our SPM examinations. I was convinced that there was only one thing every girl and guy look forward to in form 5- prom. I was no exception. I had long ago planned to go with a group of friends, but recently I had myself wondering if Alex would ask me out. Why? Because you like him. I ignored the little voice in my head. No, I can never ever develop feelings for him. Yet, I secretly waited to see if my wish would come true. To my surprise, it did!

On the night of prom, I was grinning from ear to ear. As Alex’s car pulled up outside my house, I pinched myself to make sure it wasn’t just a dream. Alex came out of the car and took my breath away. His hair was gelled up, his brown eyes scintillated under the moonlight and his smile shone as bright as ever. His tux enhanced his physique and gave a glow to his olive skin. I bit my lip to prevent myself from smiling like a Cheshire cat.

The night was perfect until I decided to take a trip to the loo. As I went into a cubicle, a group of girls came bustling into the toilet to reapply their make-up, I suspected. The girls started speaking in hushed muffled tones, but I heard everything. “I can’t believe Alex decided to ask Emily out. I was hoping he’d ask me,” one of the girls whined,

“He told me why he asked her out and the truth is, he wants to get the scholarship from her dad’s university.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way! He knew she was hoping he’d ask her out too.”

They giggled and strutted out of the toilet, their high heels tapped against the marble floor. I edged out of the cubicle, rivulets of tears streaming down my face leaving a black trail of mascara on my cheeks. A million thoughts circled my mind like blood thirsty vultures. The room started spinning. My chest tightened and I gasped for a breath of fresh air. I ran out and hitched a cab home. I never saw Alex again and as far as I’m concerned, he never got that scholarship. The poignant memory of prom closed together with the book and returned to its place in the memory box. I started the engine and drove off.

Not before long, I was in my housing area. The houses seemed to have grown. Who knows how many owners have move in and out of them while I was gone. Though the place had changed drastically over the years, I still felt its warmth. Home is not just a house but rather a place where I grew both physically and mentally. This is the place where dreams were made and accomplished, the place where I shared experiences that last a life time, the place where relationships were built. As my car pulled up by my gate, I knew I had done the right thing. To be honest, I resigned from my job and applied for a new one here. Though the pay is much less, it was all worth it. I rang the doorbell and called out into the dimly lit house.

“Mom! Dad! I’m home!”

-AW :)

Every important occasion now brings me to tears

2011-03-22T22:44:00.000+08:00

I loved celebrating my sixteenth birthday and I wish I had the time to tell you all that went down during the time of my birthday but I just don't. All I can say is I love my family and I love my friends. But I must cry and tell Mummy how much I wish she were here with me to celebrate every important event with me. I miss you so much. I miss you every day.

As I put all the cards and notes my friends have given me on the wall, I look just a little lower and see your cards. No one card beats all of yours. You also gave me the greatest present of all, you. You raised me and now, I can say that I have had a life. My life is not over yet but I have experienced a life with you. A life I will never forget, I love you so so much, mum. Please continue to watch over Papa, Kaela and me. We miss you...

Love That Was Lost

2011-03-04T22:51:00.003+08:00

          "No, I don't believe you! You love me. You said you loved me and would always be there for me at my time of need. Now you say you have another girlfriend? No! No! No!" Sandra woke up from yet another nightmare. "What is wrong with me? Arnold is my best friend. He reminds me of our unbreakable friendship every day. Our friendship that grew beyond imaginable fantasies".

          Sandra was a fourteen-year-old girl. Having inherited her mother's beauty and sense of humour, along with her father's hypnotizing smile and brains, she was a girl many would call 'perfect', 'one in a million'. When people looked at Sandra, their first thought was "Here is another pretty, naive little girl that has yet to experience how tough life can really be". Most people never thought much of her, except the boys who were always captivated by her beauty and unique personality. No one knew just how mature this young girl really was. Without anybody's knowledge, not even her closest friends', she kept a painful secret that forced her to lie about her happiness, her true feelings that she kept hidden deep inside her heart. That all changed when she met Arnold. A charming young boy who wasn't conventionally good-looking, but handsome in his own way. He had dark, average length hair,tan skin and a smile that was to die for. Besides all that, he was very sociable among his circle of friends. Some might have sworn he knew the entire school. He was the star soccer player after all.

          Sandra and Arnold had very little in common, but when they finally crossed paths at a mutual friend's Chinese New Year open house party, there was an undeniable attraction between the two fourteen-year-olds. When they were first introduced to each other, Arnold seemed like the only one that had noticed the black-brown-haired beauty standing in front of him. Sandra had paid very little attention to him because she didn't really like big events of this sort. They just made her feel downright uncomfortable. Later that night, they bumped into each other again and decided to join a game of cards that was going on in one of the rooms of the enormous bungalow house their friend owned. During a game of blackjack, Arnold began to tease Sandra, and that caused her to respond in defense. When they caught each other's eye, the gleam of amusement in the other's eye did not go unnoticed by the two, and a blush spread from Sandra's neck to her cheeks. As the night went on, Arnold finally built up the courage to ask for Sandra's number. She was reluctant at first, but the easy-going atmosphere in the room made her comfortable enough to agree to his request.

          Sandra and Arnold's friendship was easy-going. They texted each other frequently and on occasion, Arnold would call to ask Sandra how her day was. They went to the same school unknowingly, and when school re-opened they were shocked, but overjoyed, to see one another. They enjoyed each other's company very much. Soon, Sandra felt like she could tell Arnold anything and everything. The reason this was, was because he seemed genuinely concerned about her well-being. Everyone could tell he cared for her deeply and would be willing to do anything for her. That was unusual for a boy like Arnold. Sandra felt the same way about him. There was a vulnerability when it came to their friendship. They both felt it. Being as young as they were, they had once mentioned to each other that they were too young to get involved or date and would only start when they were at least seventeen years old. Both parties had witnessed their friends' relationships go sour, and were never able to obtain their original friendships after that, but as they're friendship grew stronger, so did their true feelings for one another.

          One night, Sandra broke down on a phone call to Arnold. She revealed her one and only secret that might ruin her forever. She told herself that if she ever opened up to anybody about this, she would forever be vulnerable to them, and at that time, Arnold seemed like the perfect person to tell her secret to, appear vulnerable towards. "My mother has lymphoma cancer. She is at her fourth stage, the last stage. She is very weak and is only getting weaker by the days. My parents are out of employment as my father has to stay home with my mother twenty-four seven. He monitors her and takes very good care of her. She just recently started coughing up blood and is bed-ridden. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do Arnold. She's my mom", Sandra said with choked sobs and tears streaming down her face. Arnold was silent for about a minute or two on the receiving end. When Sandra was about to speak again after recollecting herself, she heard three softly whispered words in her ear. "I love you". She wasn't sure she had heard him right but before she could say anything... "I love you. I love you as more than a friend. I want to be there with you. I want to hold you right now and it's killing me that I am not there with you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this alone. I want to share the pain with you, you don't deserve to have so much weight on your shoulders. My darling Sandra, even if you can't accept me as more than a friend, even if you want to stick to our agreement on not getting involved until we're seventeen, I can't help my feelings for you. I love you".

          Arnold had sounded out of breath. Like there was difficulty in choking out the words he had kept in his heart for so long. That night, Sandra ended the call with one simple sentence. "I love you too my dearest Arnold". After that night, Arnold and Sandra had a bond that was untouchable by any being. They started acting as more than friends, each movement careful and sweet at the same time. It was as if they were joined together by an invisible force of nature. They were not like the other couples that displayed their affections in an overly public manner. All they did was talk more, whispered words of encouragement and endearment to one another and held each others' hand when needed. They leaned on each other for everything... until the day Arnold told her he was moving away.

          She felt betrayed, but she'd soon find out what true betrayal really is. He was leaving to further his studies in Canada. She quietly hated him for it but she knew it was not his fault. His mother had been planning this for him since Primary. Now that he was fifteen, he had to go. Their time together was growing shorter by the day. They spent every waking minute together but Sandra had already started putting distance between them. She told herself she had to if she wanted to make it through this heartbreak alive. He knew her intentions, but he wouldn't let her get away that easily. He showered her with memories of their time spent together. Some of the most memorable moments they had experienced as a couple, as friends, as best friends. He wouldn't let her forget it and deep down inside, she didn't want to forget it either. There was a place in her heart for Arnold now. Even if he left, she would keep him in her heart forever.

          The day he left was the day Sandra's nightmares started going out of control.There were nightmares where he rejected her repeatedly and ones where he just left her stranded, deserted and alone. But every night, Arnold would call and so her nightmares were just that; nightmares. Two months after he had left, she broke off all communication with him. She explained on the phone one night that her mother's condition was getting worse and she needed time alone. She really needed some time alone, away from his voice. In her mind, she wanted to break things off with him but could never bring herself to do it.

          The night of her worst nightmare was when everything started going south. The thought of Arnold holding another girl in his arms disgusted Sandra. The following night, Sandra made a long distance phone call. Arnold answered after the second ring with a simple 'hello'. She wanted to reassure herself once again that her boyfriend, her best friend was the most amazing boy she'd ever met. When she went on to describe her day, Arnold cut her off mid-sentence. "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I found someone else Sandra. There is no excuse for what I've done". He went on to explain who she was and how they had met. She did not want to hear anymore but couldn't bring herself to hang up. Some part of her needed to hear it. When she finally did hang up, the sentence that haunted her the most was "I only did it to get over you, and I need you to get over me too".

          "No! No! No!", Sandra thought to herself. She felt truly and utterly betrayed. Her best friend. Her first boyfriend. Her first love. And now, her first heartbreak. Her heart literally hurt. She cried and cried. Nothing could stop her stubborn tears from streaming down her face. Her throat was tight. Her face was red and puffy. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes were swollen. She was sweating non-stop. She cried until the sun came out the next morning. She went on with her daily routine with a fake smile and a brave facade. She was like a zombie and it did not go unnoticed by her friends, but whenever they pushed her for the truth, she just said "I'm fine".

          Arnold came back to Malaysia a year later, broken up with his girlfriend. Sandra was secretly happy things didn't work out for them. Sandra told herself that she would never be rid of her feelings for Arnold.

          Arnold came back to Malaysia for one reason, and one reason only. Sandra. Sandra's mother's time had come. Sandra knew he was coming. She was unsure of her feelings. On one hand, she was upset, on the other, she was really excited to be seeing him again. She had been coping so well with her mother's death. Taking care of her father and little sister was not an easy task. She wanted so badly for someone to lean on. Not just anybody. She wanted Arnold, and he was coming. For her.

          Sandra's reaction towards Arnold was uncanny. It was unexpected. She was in her room, thinking of the past few days, everything that had happened. She had not yet shed a tear over her mom's passing and she had no idea why. Every relative she could think of was downstairs, paying their respects and she couldn't bring herself to face them. There was a knock at the door. Sandra was really not in in the mood to see anybody at that time but something told her she had to open it. There stood Arnold. She didn't even think when she ran straight into his arms. She lost all anger towards him. She did not care that he cheated on her. She was truly happy to have him just hold her. He closed the door behind him and Sandra started to cry. Her first tear touched Arnold's cheek. "Please believe me, I never meant to hurt you," he cried.