What to feel

*smiles* "I'm so happy for you. You deserve this, really."
*smiles**hug* "Wow, when did that happen? I'm happy you're happy."
*smiles**small shriek**big hug* "That's great. Look at you, you're glowing. I'm so happy for you."
What do you feel when you say you're happy in situations like these? Maybe you're truly happy, but when you do it over and over and over again... (OW!) I feel.... not jealousy, not envy, not anger, not sadness(exactly).. I feel.... I don't know what I feel, what I'm supposed to feel.

Her eyes looked straight at the picture in front of her. Pictures. She centres in on the smiles, the wrinkles at the eyes. True bliss shone from that one simple low light picture. She looks up at her friend and fakes a smile that's so convincing. After class, she hurries down each step, still careful not to trip. Grabbing her chest cause she's feeling..... some kind of pain. It grows as she reaches the last step. A blank expression covers her once smiling face. "Here's that feeling again.." Wrinkles in between her eyebrows give away her confusion. No one around to judge her, so why bother? Deep breaths.


She's listening but she isn't paying attention. She asked for this, it's what a friend does. Hear her friend out, especially when they have happy news. When they're all so happy. "I'm sorry, but I don't relate to your feelings," she thinks to herself. Way to often, she does that. Think to herself, talk to herself. Looking up and into her friend's eyes, she gives another one of her infamous deceiving smiles. Just breathe.


Her last experience is what she looks back on at times like these. Her friends ask her why she would put herself through something so silly and so far in the past, this is why. When they speak of their love lives, she thinks of the only moment she might have actually experienced the same thing. She asks to know about them, but does she really want to hear it? No one to blame but herself. So she looks behind her. An ugly picture is staring her in the face. It isn't even finished. It has just been left hanging. She wonders if she had the heart to finish the picture, if she'd be any happier.. She answers herself with a simple no. She looks forward again. She sees love in her life. She has amazing family and friends, no doubt. But she still wants to know what to feel when moments like these come and pass, more frequent now than ever. So she just keeps breathing, deep breaths.