I just can't sleep

I haven't been feeling well lately. Dad says it may be some kind of stomach flu or stomach bug... The point is, my stomach aches off and on without warning, leaving me to suffer not being able to move about as freely as I want. I can't laugh, cause it will hurt. I can't bend, cause it will hurt. Worst part is, I can't sleep!!

Okay, don't judge me on this. I felt like I needed protection. I felt like a helpless, sick kid that needed a parent to look after me. I haven't had that in a while. Some of you may know why. I'm quite alright by myself. I can't cook for myself and I definitely don't clean up after myself, but I don't like to bother anyone when I'm sick. For the past 3 years that my mom fought her cancer, whenever I got sick, I would often neglect to inform anybody, especially my family. Even if I did tell them, it would be like a light subject that I ran by them and I would never ask for any help. I usually prescribed my own medicine. Which included, warm water, honey water for a sore throat, everfessence for a mild flu, and if worse comes to worst, a couple of panadol pills for a fever(I do not recommend this on anyone, please don't try this at home.) My illnesses have been mild for most of my teenage life, so I never had to trouble anybody. I saw a doctor maybe once in 2 years?

But this year... I have seen a doctor twice already. First was sometime middle of this year. My tonsils got infected and that went on to cause me a slightly more serious fever than I would've liked. My dad had called in a favor then, to my youngest grandaunty to take me to see a doctor. Did I mention I have had abnormally large tonsils ever since I was a kid? That is not something I was or am very fond of, because everytime I saw a doctor about my tonsils, they all said the same thing. YOUR TONSILS ARE HUGE!! / THEY'RE LIKE KISSING TONSILS!! And I'd be like, I KNOW!! (In my head of course). I'd go on to tell them that it's been this way ever since I was a kid. Can't help it, can't change it, unless you remove it of course, but I don't want to get into that. That day was the same with my grand-aunt. He prescribed some medication including the oh so famous antibiotics and blablabla. I went home and did what the doctor had said. I rested and drowned myself with drugs and eventually got better.

Today, the sickness is different. It happened on Friday 26/11. It just happened out of the blue. At first we thought it was just food poisoning... So my aunt and older cousin from my dad's side gave me some charcoal pills that helped a few hours each day, but the pain never went away. So yesterday, my dad took me to see a doctor. I had, and still have no reason to trust this doctor but what choice did I have? He was this really really oversized man with a laptop and an iPhone laid out on his table to show off. He had this 'I don't care' expression on his face when he was asking me questions about my pain. My face was twisted with pain and he showed no signs of caring. He checked my temperature for a fever and used his stethescope to check my stomach? I've never had a doctor do that before. He pressed right where the pain was and I twinged in my seat. OWW!! To give a brave impression, I said nothing of course. Did I mention his laptop page was facebook and he had a green iPhone cover? That probably has nothing to do with his doctor's degree but I prefer having a doctor who shows a little bit more attention to his patients and at least puts on a pretend-to-care face instead of an expressionless one... He gave me the medicication and blablabla. You know the drill.

Okay, now back to the part where I don't want you to judge me on. I decided to sleep with my dad and sis in the master bedroom. It's a King sized bed so it can fit all 3 of us, but barely. I thought I'd feel safe there. More comfort. Having my dad watching over me like I was a little girl again. Having my sister hug me knowing that's the best thing she can do for me. Besides, I love her hugs. I love her. The first night was no fun at all. At that point, the pain wasn't that bad... yet. The reason I couldn't sleep the first night? Mom, it's you.

I slept on the right side of the bed. Next to it is the hospital bed that my mom used to sleep on. I put the teddy bear I gave to her just a few months ago on it, along with my usual medication and a bottle of water. I stared at it and teared. I realized then, that I wasn't going to get any sleep at all that night, if I was lucky, maybe just a few hours. I kissed papa and kaela goodnight and went back to my thoughts of her. The most vivid thought was her stroking my hair when I used to lie there in the afternoon, the way I was lying there that night, just in a slightly different angle. She would talk to me about my day in school and always said to be strong no matter what happens. Her stroking my hair and me cuddling up to her was my 'manja time'. I'm not embarrassed of it. That may be the only thing stopping me from regretting all the times I didn't spend with her when she was alive. I had a million thoughts in my head. Repeating every image of her I could think of. Tears ran down my cheeks, for the second time in her room. The first was the day I got back from school and saw her motionless body lying there. The day I should've skipped school.

The 2nd night, was when the pain got worse. This was a totally new level of pain for me. I usually say I have a high tolerance for pain, but I think I can no longer say that. That night I thought of mom again. But this time no tears. It was like she was comforting me and helping me get more rest, and I did. The pain was unbearable at times but I went back to sleep soon afterward. The 3rd night was just last night. Although I had just seen the doctor and taken all medication as told the pain was worse. My aunt said it was normal. It was 'cleansing' my stomach... Doc said I was dehydrated and had some sort of food poisoning, not a very doctorly opinion if you ask me. I didn't sleep for the first few hours, staring blankly at the empty hospital bed next to me, tossing and turning, cringing at my stomach at every little move I made.

The word in my mind has changed. It's no longer, 'She's gone'. It's 'Mom'. Just 'Mom'. I feel like I'm calling her in my head. I want her arms around me telling me it's going to be alright. Even in her last days on Earth, her skinny arms still made me feel safe. I should've kissed her more and showed more affection instead of being the typical teenager she said I would grow up to be when I was little. It's too late for all that now. I repeat that word in my head, I'm not sure why. To keep her with me? To hear the sound of my voice in my head saying a word I will never say again? Or maybe just to remind myself that I have a mother watching over me.

I love you, mom. And I am getting better. I finally got my braces off and I'm sure you can see my straight teeth from above:) I'm not sure why I permed my hair, maybe it's cause I wanted to be more of a mother's daughter. I always thought you were pretty with curls in your hair, so, I wanted to do that too. I haven't had a dream of you yet, and other relatives have. Why is that mom? I want to see you in my dreams. I promise not to be scared...

How to make your dad happy

 Let him look at cars in a showroom at the mall. He just loves that.



That's not all we did, mom.

 Guess who's leg is who's? Hint: My sister takes after her father a lot. These are her shoes by the way...

Italiannes' food comes in a big portion. If you ever go there, I advice you share your food with someone, like I did with my sister. Unless you're my friend Tze Kwang. He doesn't even have to skip a meal to finish this. He's just your typical food lover:)

Love you, mom:) We made papa smile today

Our perfect man must like our cookies;)

It all started with a PPR bookmark-making meeting. (You future PPR members better love the bookmarks we made 2011, we worked really hard on it!) Just hope the designs are to their liking. Sue Lu, the only form 4 that showed up came up with some incredible designs. Too bad she had to leave early. Leaving Ai Jin, Yi Lin, Rayshell, Brenda, Yi Fen and me. We girls can talk. We had to since we were waiting for Rayshell's dad to come and it was a interesting conversation/conversation(s). PS: Don't ever let Rayshell get near your lap, let alone sit on it. You'll be in for a tickle and slight numbness. (She bounces)

After we saw Rayshell off, the 5 of us went to Atria for lunch. Tom Yam Mee Hoon a little too spicy for Ai Jin. Everybody tried some except for me and I felt so left out and unMalaysian-like. I JUST CAN'T EAT SPICY FOOD!! I'm sorry mom, that's one thing we don't have in common. You can eat hot stuff and I can't. One thing I can do that you used to do is scold papa for taking TOO MUCH chilli as it will affect his cholesterol level.

With our bellies full, we went walking around Atria for a bit before my dad came and picked Yi Fen, Brenda and I up. "Outside the fish shop", we would say. The Teow Chew restaurant. Ai Jin thought it was an actuall fish up, with an aquarium and everything. Haha:D

We got home and watched the Zoey 101 special-Chasing Zoey *I Like Chase!* Then when Alycia arrived, we got started on our baking. During the 'baking' process, Brenda bonded with my sister while Yi Fen and Alycia enjoyed 2 iCarly specials-iSaved Your Life and iQuit iCarly. We watched stupid shows, yes, but very interesting. Brenda did this whole alien thing with my sister and was kind enough to watch her ride her bike. I wish I had an elder sister like that. (Chelsea, you're so fortunate!)

Alycia's mountain of flour

Look! Alien hands!!

Those lines are bubbles by the way:) My sister just loves bubbles

The Perfect Man is an awesome movie by the way. Old, but sweet. It had a cool story line and we all enjoyed it. My prayers came through by the way. Yi Fen and Brenda got to watch it finish. Sadly, Alycia had to leave early but luckily, she's seen it before.

I hope the cookies turned out alright mom:) Not TOO sweet like Kaela's last badge;)

Keys

Keys

She inhaled. The smell of Mahogany wood lingered in the air and stimulated her senses, sending thrills down her spine. She ran her fingers over the keys, black and white both. With her eyes tightly shut, she recalled the days where her mom would accompany her to the class that she dreaded the most. She would kick and scream and whine and punch till she was out of breath. Then reluctantly, she’d allow her mom to drag her into class. “Shhh. It’s going to be fine. It’s good for you, dear. For your future, you know?” her mom cooed softly and gently wiped away the tears flowing down her pink cheeks.  She endured years of pure agony. Never once during that period of time could she comprehend the efforts of her mom putting her through this class. Why fork out so much money just to put me through something I hate doing? Why waste my time and hers when we can do something so much more beneficial with the amount of time taken up by the class? Why? Never once did it cross her mind that it’d become a potential career path or at least a temporary source of income.

“You may start your first piece when you’re ready,” she heard the examiner say in a deep and calm yet friendly tone. She turned around towards the source of voice. She was surprised, he wasn’t old like all the other examiners she had met before. He was young -estimated in his early 20s-, tall, handsome, not dark, unfortunately. He had a mop of dark brown curls and those kind of blue eyes as clear as the finest crystal, yet misty like a fog in the atmosphere at dawn, as though a million insignificant yet profound thoughts went behind those blue eyes. His chiseled features and rugged physique complemented by his Italian custom made suit enthralled her. “Ahem, miss, would you care to start your piece now?” he said as he lifted his eyes from the paper in front of him and gave an encouraging smile, revealing a set of perfectly straight pearly whites. Scarlet trails appeared on her face in streaks, her face felt hot. She gave him a tight lipped smile and swiftly turned to her original position. ”Deep breaths, let’s show him what we’re made of,” she said in her heart and winked at the keys. With her fingers placed in position, she started her piece. Her fingers elegantly glided across the keys, hitting every note with such precision. Her body, caught in the wind of the dynamics, swayed so naturally and beautifully. Each note reminding her of her teacher’s soothing voice, each one bringing her back into the past. Legato, staccato, legato, staccato...

As the years went by, she started to love those classes. She loved how she was capable of composing a melody out of scratch. She loved how her ears could pick up chords from a song on the radio while her friends eyed her with envy. She never meant to show off, it was just her second nature and her friends understood that. “She is made for music,” they’d say as she moved her fingers on her lap -her imaginary piano- and tapped her feet to another song on the radio.  She wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time, she was a hermit. She always kept to herself and hardly met people. When she was forced to leave the house, mostly either for school or just to the nearby park, she had her head hung low; never having the guts to look anyone in the face. She had her mom’s persistency to thank. Even when she felt that she couldn’t keep up, her mom never gave up. The phrase “mothers know best” definitely proves itself to be true. Day by day, the keys became her best friends, they became the keys to her heart, unleashing the confidence in her that she was never able to muster.

Claps from behind break her thoughts and back to the present, she was. She turned to find that the examiner had got up from his seat, clearly bewildered and amused by the quality of music she had produced. The keys as it seems, have also unlocked something in his heart that brought him to life. She could have sworn that there was an infinitesimal pause as their eyes locked and her lips slid up into a smile. There was something different about his eyes. The mist, yes, the mist had cleared leaving a behind a piercing blue. He let out a hearty laugh then almost immediately dipped his head like a bashful boy. “Uhm, thank you. That was simply exquisite,” he said as he walked towards her.

“Thanks. And oh, thank YOU for having me”

“So, I’ll see you next grade?”

“Though the chances of me getting the same examiner are really thin -gossamer thin, in fact- I’ll cling on to that hope,” she said while turning the knob of the door. “After all, it IS only through hope that we are able to turn the keys that unlock one’s heart,” she expressed as she closed the door behind her. She grinned as she took a final glance at the door; the examiner’s name was imprinted in caps on a piece of paper that was stuck to it.

Who would have ever thought that many years later, she’d see that same name. Not on a door to a piano examination room, but at the door of a wedding ceremony, and right next to his name, hers. About a year later, they bore out of love, me, and here I am telling you this story in hopes that you may be inspired too. Because I do believe that the universe has a plan and that plan is always in motion. Fingers hitting the piano keys as the keys open a bounded heart. It’s a scary thought but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be there; The right place, at the right time. Mom and dad just happened to be part of it. Both key people destined to open many more locked hearts with keys. 

-Anonymous writer-

(I didn't write this, I'm just glad to help a friend. To friend, my mom would've loved reading this too) ;)

New things

Hey momma, we took our passport photo today. All 3 of us. Papa's finally going to renew his and my passport. That means I can travel overseas again!! :)

The lady gave us 10 minutes to go rome around Centre Point. Guess what? We went around the corner for my dad to check the batteries of his keys. Opposite the shop was the bicycle shop. Oops, there goes my little sister. "Cool bike!" she pointed out. The shop was almost empty!! She saw a bike that suited her perfectly though.. A pink LERUN bike for kids aged 9 to 15. It's not my type though. The guy there told me he'll call my dad when the new stock of bikes come in. Then maybe, I might just get a new bike;) My sis isn't the only one that loves the bike, my dad likes it too:)

This next part is for you, Rayshell:)
My dad, sis and cousin and I went to the Mont Kiara flee market today. They apparently only have it every Thursday afternoon and Sunday morning. Hmmm... She(my cousin) suggested it. It was so cool. They didn't have as much as a shopping complex but the things sold there caught my eye. From fruits to tupperwares to shoes to bags and of course, clothes. Shell just went shopping yesterday and today, it's my turn.

 believe it or not, these are my 1st pair of pumps:)

a dress or a...

skirt? I really like this. my family helped me pick the colour. I can never decide.  

I just love these bags. They're convenient no? 



How do I look mom? I know you would've like the dress. We have the same taste remember? Though you would've added that I have too many purple clothes already. I said so to papa and sue che che but they agreed on purple. Hehe. I guess purple will always be my favourite colour. I love you, mom. I promise not to spend TOO much of papa's money;)

I dream about you, mom

I dream I walk into her room and am still able to talk to her like I used to. To have her stroke my hair like I was a little girl again. Her little girl. It's been a week.

I mentioned I had a story to tell. Well, more like stories.

My mom just passed on the 10/11/2010. Yes, it was just a week from today. To get by, I first have to keep reminding myself that she's gone. "She's gone" is what I repeat in my head to remind myself of the current reality. I miss her. I really do. I'm not sure if it's a smart thing to do to make this my first post here, but I'm doing it. I guess it's true when they say you miss a passed loved one everyday. Not every second of the day, but every day. I think of her at the randomest times. Her face lights up my mind.

My amazing mother fought lymphoma cancer for almost 3 years. We found out her cancer came back in the year 2008. That's why we moved back to Selangor. My birth place. I loved living in Sabah for most of my childhood, but  we had to do what we had to do. Doctors here are better, know better. Can do more for her, that's what they told me. It didn't turn out to be true. I guess God had other plans for my family. We found out later that there was no cure. My mom tried EVERYTHING. From special diets to thousands of dollars spent on other alternatives. From special mattresses to different kinds of meds. It was painful to watch, yes, but she wouldn't give up. I gave up. I wanted to just spend whatever time God allowed me with her, but she didn't. She fought, as hard as she could, as long as she could. She lived longer than most cancer patients would have. That's how strong she was. If you compare me to her, I would never measure up. So yes, she fought. I didn't support her as much as I should have. I even found faults with her. I had arguments with her. Now, I wished I hadn't.

Each day went pass and there never seemed to be much change. Her legs got weaker and soon, she could no longer walk. She started with a walker, then a wheelchair, then she was bed-ridden. Whatever condition she was in, she was still herself. As she got skinnier, as the cancer spread, as her health got worse, she stayed optimistic. I used to push her around in her wheelchair and we'd go shopping. She never complaint. I never saw how happy she was just to spend time with my dad, my sis and I. We went out to family lunches, dinners. I always had hopes that she would be able to walk again. Was I naive? Maybe, but I had hope.

Up till the very end, I prayed that she could have a full recovery. That wasn't my only prayer. I also prayed that when her time comes, God will carry me through every tear, every heartbreak, every obstacle I had to overcome. Thing is, I never imagined what it'd be like when my mom's time finally did come. That time is now. She's gone now. Leaving behind her beloved husband, daughters, father, siblings, friends. She will definitely live on in our hearts. I still talk to her, when I'm alone in my room. I imagine her looking down on me now, cause that's all I can do. I just hate that the only way I can talk to her is to close my eyes and imagine I'm actually speaking to her. I have so many stories I can tell about her. Too many sweet memories that I'll forever look back on.

Want to know how I'm doing now? I'll tell you a few things I am doing. I am smiling. She's in a better place:) She's rid of pain and that awful thing called cancer. I am also building a stronger relationship with my dad(stepdad) and sis(stepsis) like she would have wanted me too:) I'm sure she's proud of me for that too. I'm awaiting my PMR results. My mom carried me through my PMR exam but she won't be able to see me receive my results, but I'm pretty sure she can see that piece of result paper from above;) I'm living life as normal as possible. I have an amazing God to look to for anything at all. I have a mom and grandmother watching me from above, and I will join them someday in the future, but right now, they'll have to be my special guardian angels;) I have a family that loves me and would do anything for me. I have found friendships that will last me a lifetime. I have found friends that always seem to be there for me no matter what.

In every post I post here, I'll try to include something special for my mother in them. Watch out for that special message, mom. I LOVE YOU.