Holding On and Letting Go

It's the concept of standing under the rain and facing the palm of your hands upward to catch raindrops in your hands; to hold on to that raindrop or let it slide pass your fingers. It's cold out but I can't bring myself to find shelter. I can feel my body weaken as I continue to take this position under the pouring rain. I'm soaking wet now but I'm not leaving this place of solitude under the rain until I've learnt my lesson.

Holding on
Insecurities work both ways. She is not the only one feeling insecure. He has insecurities too. The beauty of their relationship is the honesty and vulnerability of each promise made to one another, like a vow made between husband and wife. The tears, the rage, the laughter, the smiles... When he says, "I'm not gonna leave you" in more tones than one. He can say it like he's sad, he can say it like he's mad, he can say it when he's overjoyed and he can say it when he feels content. He will mean it every time, in every way. When she tries to be strong and thinks the worst of what could or could not happen, she hurts him. So, her transparency matters too. In the end, this is what they're holding on to. They're holding on to each other, to the love and promises made, to the pain and the hardships faced, to something beautiful.

Letting go
Bonds of a few months to a few years can be strong enough to hurt you. Especially when someone lets go of that bond you thought would be there forever. The pang of guilt she feels when she looks back and thinks she didn't do enough in the friendship to keep it going for more than 3 months or 4 years. Where did the feeling of security go with these amazing people who once meant the world to her, and somehow someway, still do? To hold on and hurt whenever a smile isn't returned, or a message not replied; or let go and let it be a thing of the past? Just like raindrops that slide down your arm, they will disappear; and I know one day, these feelings of hurt will disappear too...eventually. The question is, is this really the time to let go? Is letting go the answer to her problems?


My week in a nutshell.

Ever-changing

"It's just hard to believe that all of this...is my reality now. So much has changed. I still remember being a little girl. My mommy's little girl. I glance at something from my past and I remember the joy, the pain, the memory it gave me. I wear hand-me-downs from my mother and remember her arms wrapped around me. I brush my hair every morning and remember how she used to comb her fingers through my hair. I hum an old song and remember the first song I ever learnt how to sing -Amazing Grace. I open my closet and look at my little girl dresses and remember how small I was; how innocent I was. So much has happened since then. I know things now I wish I didn't. I've been through hard times that I never imagined could happen. And through all of this, I'm pretty sure I've changed. What if I've lost myself? What if I've lost that happy little girl? What if my lack of innocence affects my entire future? What if..."

I challenge you to look yourself in the mirror. Look at the man or woman you have become. The man and woman you are today. What do you see? Do you see someone you're proud of? Are you afraid of losing yourself like I am? Are you scared that you've changed into someone you don't even know anymore? Ask God who you are, who He wants you to be. I feel so insecure sometimes. My happiness is sincere but that doesn't mean I don't have fears. Fears that have me thinking through my days and nights. No one is perfect and my life certainly isn't. This life is an ever-changing experience. As we grow, we tend to change...and that's okay :) I will continue to change, but I'll be okay as long as I don't forget. Remembering is important, so I remember. I remember everything.

I miss you mom, I really do. Watch over me as I grow into the young woman you've always wanted me to be. I love you with all my heart and don't ever think that I've forgotten about you. I always remember to think of you. And like you said, "Don't forget to remember me." And I never will.

Happy

I am 100% happy. Right here, right now; I am in the moment, run-in-the-rain happy. I don't mind if it costs me a week of flu and fever. I'm gonna celebrate the joy God has once again showered upon me. Praise Him and only Him for this feeling of contentment and happiness :D

2nd semester results are out! After feeling condemn and judged by some, this was my moment of truth. I know I don't have to prove myself to anybody, but the urge to wanna do my best will always be inside of me. As we Chinese like to say: "KIA SU AH!"

As you can tell, I have to had received good results to be happy and in fact, I did! Although, the more appropriate word to use is SATISFIED. I truly believe that this semester went better than the last. I made better decisions and I understood what I wanted more than I did before. This semester definitely had its ups and downs as well, different challenges but challenges nonetheless. But in the end, God was sovereign over all. I'm 100% certain He did not only bless me but many others around me. From what I've observed on twitter, many others achieved satisfying results as well. All I hope for is that they glorify His name with them just like I plan to. No one deserves the credit more than He does.

Just like last semester, I was going through a hard time during my exam period. It seems to be a trend, doesn't it? I made a decision to follow my heart and in turn, I felt guns being pointed at me, knives stabbed into my back and enemy lines drawn all around me. Tears I never expected would be shed were my companions to sleep for 2 nights. Long story short, I felt like I lost some dear friends and that is not an easy fact for me to accept. I hate losing people. I feel like I've lost so much already, people I hold dear especially; so this hurt me more than I could have expected. On a positive note, I felt my family giving me the support I needed. High school friends reminding me that they're still always there for me. Self-made family in college that pushed me to be stronger and just plain old friends who never left my side through it all. Oh, and a special someone who had to experience the hurt with me but urged me to study and work hard through the pain; and study we did.

Prayers to the Lord is and always will be my way of getting through a difficult situation. Pray when you're happy, pray when you're sad. An interesting story is that due to this uncanny incident of lost of friendship, I gently asked my special someone to pray with me for the first time. He was hesitant at first but he of course, agreed. It made my heart grow even more for him. And just 2 nights back when I was having a hard time with a personal issue and had trouble falling asleep, he was the one who suggested prayer to me. That night will go down in history for me. I really hope that this beautiful sharing of prayers between 2 people continues throughout the rest of our relationship together. I can only pray for the best and have patience that God will heal all wounds in time. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life right now because in this moment, I am happy. God is love. Therefore, my relationship will not have God absent from it ever. Nor will I ever stop praising His name every time something wonderful happens to me :)

My results below should amount to a GPA of 3.8 (Distinction) Hehehehe *insert smile here*

3 As & 2 B+ for this semester alone

I hope I made you proud too mummy! I love you! <3