Time is sometimes beautiful

Take a deep breath. Go for it, don't look back now, you're running out of time. Fate is chasing you. It's right at your tail now. No, don't turn back. Go... Go....

Don't go. Stop. Stare fate right in the face. Jump in. There is still time. Time does wait for someone. It waits for you. What is fate asking of you? Look closer, search deeper. Don't even blink. Listen. Have faith...

"I want you to stay. Speak to me. Listen to me. Try to understand. You're where you're meant to be. Feel what you're feeling. Don't push, don't hate. Tell her, him, God. Time is waiting for you. What are you waiting for?"

It's inevitable. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you.... To love me. To miss me. To need me. To want me.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. Always have been. Same as always. Minor differences. Make your decision now, before it's too late.


Let's figure this out together. Come and see me. Face to face. Here's where I want you to be. Face to face, with me.


Time is beautiful. You still have so much...

Every tear takes me one step closer to closure

You see her sitting there with a smile on her face. She wanted to see you. She was so happy to see all of you. She told you she had stories to tell you about her life. She wanted to share her life with you. Her little life stories. She is not perfect. Haven't you learned that by now. You knew her before she was even born. You knew her mother. You knew her after her mother passed away. She has always been the same person. The same girl. Sensitive, loving, and always trying to please everyone. Don't tell her to change. Don't tell her what she does is useless. Don't tell her she's useless. She tries her best. So, don't make her cry. But it's too late now isn't it. She has cried. She has swollen eyes. I have cried. I have swollen eyes.

Family lunch didn't go as planned today. One good thing that did come out of it? The food. Mildly good food. There was something else I learnt today that made me a pinch bit happier.

I miss my family. I mom's side of the family. I miss them. I call them. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. They call a family lunch. A regular family lunch. They ask the grandchildren questions about school. I, being the oldest tell them. Share my stories. Stories that bring joy to my life. They pay attention. But no sincerely good comment came out from their lips. Then comes my 10 days younger cousin. Erich. I'm sorry. I love you. You are a great cousin. But you are too much to be compared to. I do wish you weren't around sometimes but I know that's not right.

I tell them I'm class monitor. Erich is a prefect. I tell them I'm the secretary of Girl Scouts in school. Second highest post and ranking besides the two leaders. Erich is the head of the Science club. They are so proud. Of me? They pretend to be, but the looks they give him, they're priceless. He's a prize possession and I'm just the follow up. Being the oldest just makes things more difficult. I hurt and they don't even see it. Until I voice out, I hate it when my feelings have a voice of their own. I didn't even bother to tell them that I'm serving in CF cause that's what they care least about. Not my whole family are Christians. I wish they were, but they aren't. They have said that what I do for CF is pointless at times. I don't listen. I do not believe I spend too much time on my CF activities, I just talk about CF a lot because I feel so proud to part of it. Can't they see that? I guess not.

I voiced out. They pick on me. They don't mean to hurt me. Indirectly, they did. My eyes take on a mind of their own. First, they were just tears. Telling them, explaining to them that they have been looking down on me. My tears mix with sobs, I have difficulty breathing. That what I do is NOT useless. That I care about what I do. What department I serve in. I'm in the encouragement department in CF for goodness sake and I need encouraging. I feel needy. I feel like I need approval. I can't hold it in. I won't do it for you, for anybody. Let my cry. I don't need approval from my friends, from strangers. I want it from my family. The people I grew up with. The people I hug when I see them. The people who say they love me. Who tell me they'll be there for me no matter what. But I don't see them. I look around and I don't see them. They're nowhere close by. I have only my stepdad and my sister. The greatest thing that happened today involves my amazing stepfather.

He didn't say anything during my teary moment at the lunch table. But in the car on the way home. I questioned him. He answered in the most unexpected way. I can't quote his exact words but he said something like this. "Why do you listen to them? Why do you seek for other people's approval? You have to prove to them that you are not useless. They you can do great things. You have talents." I was thinking while he was speaking. "I love you. I needed to hear that from you. Mom, you married a good man. He is a great father. My sister and I are so lucky. I don't need to be Erich. I need to be me. Be who I've always been. Correct a few of my flaws if I can."

Throughout today, mom, you were on my mind. That's why it was that much harder to hold back my tears. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'm taking a deep breath now. I want you to hold me. Silly tears are taking over again. *sniff* Watch over me like you promised mom. I will see you again mummy!

You knew it, didn't you?

WeeHee!! You knew it mom, didn't you. Long before I knew I would like being in an arts class. Love you mom! I'm staying, even if the rest of my class wants to plead their case to go to Science. I wanted to do the same, but for all the wrong reasons. One week was enough for me to see that I belong here. And as the naib pengerusi pula. First time ever to be lantik! Could've been Pengerusi, but who wants that? *cough, yiqian, cough* Thank you qian:) Guys should be in charge anyway. Running around, losing wait, not that he has any wait to lose. I have more fats than he does. :p

I'm so glad I get to see most of my friends during recess, at Prayer Meeting!! And sometimes, if I'm lucky, Rayshell will drop by my class and we'll have a good time talking. Sadly, morning prayers have been canceled but who says we can't pray on our own? After school is a good time to catch up with friends too. Eg, Brenda, Andrew, Sean, Yiqian, Hanjiang, JasonWee, Tzekwang... Btw, big man says Hi. So nothing is as bad as I thought it would be. I did feel a little bit down on Friday. Mainly because quite a few number of classmates were offered science classes and they just up and took it. When they never even signed up for it in the first place. There are even more classmates that want to leave but haven't qualified yet for the classes. And when they go, I might be in an even larger social stigma than I was in before. But that's alright. I see that now.

I was mostly upset on the day because all the students were going on and on about how they have to discuss things over with their parents. When I heard that, it registered in me that I have no one to discuss this with. Not a parent I mean. I can discuss with my aunt, my uncles, my teachers, but not a mom or a dad. My stepdad's great, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to making decisions like these, it's all up to me. I chose to ask God about it and I strongly believe that I belong in arts. Pure arts. With additional mathematics, accounts and economics. Theses 3 subjects are fairly good for a good career booster. Pure arts doesn't mean I take any arts subjects though.

I am sharing lockers with yifen and brenda. 2 lockers for the 3 of us. We pray we get the green or the white ones. It would be so much more convenient for us. This locker installation is new this year. 200 lockers on a first come first serve basis. Hopefully we get them. Fingers crossed. My accounts textbook is huge! Right yifen? ;)

Resolutions are going fine so far. Let's look at some of the bad news we've gotten this year. TZE YI!!! Why are you leaving all of us for Australia?? Like not enough people have left already. Elaine's leaving too. :( I'm not leaving, yet. Not in many years to come. Do you want me to stay? hehe. Say yes or I'm going!! Just joking.

My family and I are coping just fine. But it's only the first week, not sure how well we'll be in another few weeks time. Keep praying. I know mom's watching us from above. Every move we make doesn't go unseen. Right, mom?

I'm looking forward to CF Camp so bad!! The dates are engraved into my skull. It's going to be unforgettable! Thank you for letting me serve in CF and CF camp guys! I'm so happy to be part of something so special. It'll be the event of the year. After the dreaded first terms.

Distractions haven't been a problem for us girls lately, chocolate's been a big part of our live this week. From gelato to twix, to boosts, to dove, to top, to mikybars. We can't seem to get enough. I'm not a big fan of chocolate but when necessary, I'll make an exceptance. Now, listen closely papa, I want jogging shoes for my sixteenth birthday!! Haha. Chocolate can cure you from cucumbers and carrots. And on occasion dance. (This, not all of you are supposed to understand;))

I have got to do the last of my first weeks homework. And tuition homework. Ahhh Add Maths!! Mr's D, you're getting ready for SPM wayyy too soon!