My mother once told me that when she went to heaven, she would come back to visit me in the form of a white butterfly. That was 5 years ago. Now I'm 20 and I still look out for white butterflies wherever I go.
Something is definitely wrong with me. I think I may even be a little crazy. Just going through the motions of everyday life. I'm smiling again though. I'm still not sure why I do what I do, why I say what I say. Open a conversation, type something but never hit send. I'm so afraid of accidentally doing so, but the backspace button is still my friend. Told you I was a little insane. I guess everybody around me just has to deal with it. Don't worry, I'll heal, things will be better....I hope.
Here's a different story. A story about a friend I never thought I could ever open up to. But I've come to a point where I kinda need him. We have no romantic chemistry, although I do admit to having a crush on him before. (He's kinda cute k? Or I used to think so. Hehe)
I wish he wasn't going off this weekend of all weekends. Because this is the first week I actually really need to talk to him. I feel bad for complaining about our empty conversations now, though there are still some of those. It doesn't matter. He's my friend. I want him to stay, but I want another to go.
I'll do more than try. I will avoid you because what reason do I have to acknowledge you? It's not like I ever really knew you. You and your games.
I'm working on a 3rd song for you. Then I realized I never published the lyrics to the 2nd song I wrote you. I actually wrote it as a poem. Here it is:
Deciphering dreams and manipulative words Thunder and lightning can't drown out the hurt Losing control in her own little world The upper hand lost, the past buried in dirt The innocence of a little girl has been taken away Look into her eyes and you can see the shame, the pain He got under her skin and into her mind Poisoned her until she ran out of time Remembering moments that should be forgotten What once was fulfilled has now become nothing Trying to understand the meaning of joy Threw away her dignity all for a boy The haunting is never-ending He always finds a way Wherever she goes He is never far away The shadows can't hide a broken girl...
You have caused me enough grief. Do you have any idea how hard I cry at night? Do you have any idea what you've done to the inner workings of my mind? My own father thinks I'm acting out and a wall has been built between us. I'm afraid of going to church in dread I may break down when I see your face. Do you know where my mind goes when it comes to you? I think of my mum. That's all I think about. She was watching me, you know? Through all the games we played, she was there. I know I'm at fault too. Don't you think I know that? I really liked you. You got to me, you really got to me. No other guy can say that you know? You had me wrapped around your little finger... Now, I'm standing alone, no longer wrapped around your finger, but my balance is still a little off. I will regain my strength in time to come.
I honestly think you're not done learning. I cannot speak for you but I can tell you what I wish to say. I chose to care for the wrong person. I'm sorry about that. You knew how it was between us in the very beginning. Just think back and remember those moments. See what I saw in you. Don't worry about these tears I've been crying. They're not for you, they're for me. I'm crying for me. I shouldn't, but I am. Just let me go and I'll do the same. I will learn to love you as one of God's creation, but you know that I could have loved you as more. I almost did, and it hurts knowing that. But I didn't. That's the most important part. I'm not in love with you. In fact, I'm done with you.
This song will be my last for you. I won't ignore or avoid you forever. When I find my balance, I will smile. I will always remember you telling me to smile. I don't like that you thought you had a right to tell me that, especially given the situation. Because I know I've got to smile. A real smile. I will. But now, I need distance. From you and only you. I will fix my problems on my own, actually with His help. I really don't need you, and you never needed me, did you? "And please don't stand so close to me I'm having trouble breathing I'm afraid of what you'll see right now I give you everything I am All my broken heart beats Until I know you understand"
There are no words for the kind of hate I feel for you right this second. I believed every word you said. I realize now that I lived by them. You, telling me I was pretty, sweet, kind, loving... I only listened because it was your voice telling me so. I hung on to every word, every breath.
Now I feel like swearing with every breath I take. I can just imagine you asking "Why?" You're famous for that aren't you? Questioning? You questioned every word I said, everything I did. Like you had any right at all to do so! You didn't!
Damn... I'm angry.
*Takes a deep breath*
From wanting to see you, to hating the very sight of you. So, don't you dare talk to me. Don't even think about approaching me. I'll wear whatever I want to wear. It is of no concern of yours. It never was. Speaking of 'never was', WE were never friends. WE were never anything. There is and never will be a WE.
You're happy. You're in love. Great. I don't need to hear it. I was never jealous, nor did I ever want you to want me. You wanted me out of your own volition. Don't try to lie to yourself about that. There's so many sides to you, and I tried to love at least one of them. "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". I don't know how I'm ever gonna do that. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You deserved none of it. You didn't deserve me, as whatever it is we were.
Lies...
I never lied to you. Wait, scrap that. I did. Remember how I told you I cried countless tears for you? I didn't. Not exactly. They were what I call internal tears. I wanted to just break down, but I didn't. After typing "We're done", I did. But it's not what you think.
I didn't cry because you didn't love me. I didn't cry because you didn't want me. I didn't cry because you didn't like me. Although all of the above could be up for negotiation. I cried because I was naive. I cried because I let my dignity fly out the window for you. I cried because, rather than let my brain do the talking, I let my heart win, not all the time, but sometimes. Last but not least, I cried because I realize now that if my family and friends were to know who I really was, the girl who got herself into this mess, I'd break their heart. And for that, my heart broke. I broke.
But I am stronger than you think. I will not let you touch me. I will not let you near me. I will not let you manipulate me anymore. I don't care who reads this. I don't care if you read this and feel whatever it is you cheaters feel. This is my blog. This is my right.
