My walls

When I said I wanted to be cool, act cool, not reveal anything, I didn't mean to build my walls up this strong. Because they are strong. Stronger than ever. Don't you see? I can't open up about almost anything anymore. I succeeded in ignoring things my mind thinks aren't good for me. I definitely did not let my heart lead. Maybe I should have.

I'm sorry. Why do I keep apologizing? Everything I do can't be a mistake, can it? So what if I thought things through this time? Isn't that a good thing? I think it was a safe choice for me. I want to be safe. Want to know where I feel safe? In the embrace of my family members and friends I've known for a long time now and can trust. I definitely don't trust easily now either.

My walls are up. I think they've always been up. Just that now, they're stronger. You can't see it, but if you try to get close to me, you will feel it. You have to work extra hard to get pass those walls if you really want to get to know me. I'm a difficult girl, aren't I? I guess that's just how I was raised. I'd like to believe I was raised right though. With my moral codes and everything... I can't be easily persuaded;)

I want to find love. I'm not running from it. I don't want to hide behind a wall either. This wall was built because I've been through so much hurt in the past. I will try my best to be vulnerable when I need to be, but it will be a challenge. "My walls are up" is what I use to describe my so called love life when I try explaining myself to my friends. They understand me, and for that, I am truly grateful.

So, tear my walls down. But only if you're 100% certain you want to see what's behind those walls.


You know what I mean, don't you mum?

Happy for a friend

RAYSHELL WONG RUI EN, I love you with all my heart. I'm truly happy that you found happiness with someone after so many days of telling me he would never feel the same. You just have to wait a little bit longer, and love will come. I haven't given up, and I know you almost wanted to. I'm glad you didn't. We must always have hope, am I right? My love is on his way. Yours is already here;) I believe in the both of you. I trust him, but I will always have your back. Whatever happens, I will never leave you. In your time of need, my number will be waiting to be dialed. Just remember this, if he takes you away from me, I will have something to say about it. You are one of my best friends and I'll always be your accountability partner:)

You are amazing Rayshell. I know he sees that, just like I do. Always put God first and you will be fine. Don't stop smiling and being your hyper self. Cause that's what I love most about you.



I want love like this too, mummy:)

We're on the same boat

You are loved LIM YI FEN!! Whatever happens, whatever you're going through. You're never alone. Don't forget you're on my boat;) We are going to sail together and show them how awesome we can really be:) I'm with you all the way. Can't wait for delicious lunch and bubble tea at chatime tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for the times I neglected you. I'm glad our friendship is on track and I can't wait for it to only grow stronger.


This is for you, and you only. Call me, text me, show up at my doorstep. You're always welcome:) Worst come to worst, you'll be my prom date 2012:) Or we could stick to our secret plan;) We just gotta get the blueberries to agree with us. Haha. We could always switch dates in the middle. Dance with all 3 handsome blueberries. What do you say? I love you to bits. Hope I made you smile. I can just taste that bubble tea now:P

Watch over us, mummy:)

What makes me happy

You know what really made me happy today? And yesterday? For one, I have the bestest best friend ever. She gave me this card with a very heartfelt message in it. It was out of the blue, but you know how much I like blue moons;) JENNIFER WONG YUE TENG!! You are awesome and...

I LOVE YOU:)

OH! My English teacher finally complimented one of my essays. Heh! I was smiling:) Guess which essay of mine she liked? 'My Future Husband' Pfft... Figures. She even teased me about it. Which led to my little brother, Nicholas asking 'So, who is my future brother in law?:P' Oh well. She liked my essay. That's all that matters:D

Another thing that makes me happy is knowing that I have the greatest family and friends in the world. They are always there for me and even when they can't find the right words to say, I'm just happy to have them by my side. Sometimes holding me while I rant on and on about my day. 

I'm currently wearing my 'don't-need-a-guy' ring. It's an old rusted fake diamond ring my mom bought me years ago. Costume jewellery;) Somehow makes me feel better about myself. I don't exactly know if I 'need' a guy right now, maybe wanting isn't something that can be justified either. Oh well. I just know that when that guy comes along, he will be someone that deserves me:)

I'm out! Love (happy) Sam:)

Love you, mom:)

I'm cool

I don't think I'm giving anything away. If it was obvious, somebody may have said something to me by now. Or maybe not everybody is that gutsy. I don't expect them to be. I hope I have it in me to hold back. With the way I speak, the way I act. I just can't let my walls down when it comes to you. If you knew me better, you'd understand why...

I want to tell you, but I don't think that'd be fair to you or myself. Just believe me when I say I'm not perfect in many ways. My faults and flaws are uncountable. I want you to open up to me before I open up to you. You know why? Because in the past, my opening up has led to a level of vulnerability I dare not relive. My realization was a little too late. I have been taken advantage of.

Some of my friends said I should toughen up and not be so nice. I shouldn't let people climb all over me. I don't believe I do. Do I? I'd like to believe I know how to defend myself when it comes down to it, but maybe I don't. I wouldn't mind if you stood up for me one day, that'd just make me smile:)

I'm being as cool as possible. There's not a lot of 'cool' in me, but I'm going to try. I really don't wish to give anything away. You should know by now what it is that is bugging me so much. My blog is already an open book for everyone to read. You can read it, I'm just not sure that you do.

What do I want? I don't know exactly. When I feel like I'm getting there though, I'll let you know;) Just keep being yourself. I think that's what I like most about you as a person. I'm not saying that I have a crush on you, but I am saying that I'm not gonna act spontaneously anymore. It's your turn to make a move. Whoever you are. Try and catch my heart;) Or just catch me. I'm ready to be caught...

Over Thinking

Over thinking. That's what I'm doing. I don't want to, but sometimes it feels like I have no choice. I just want my brain to stop working. At least about you. 

Whenever I'm hurt, I want you to hold me. I don't know you, but I somehow want you. I know I sometimes live my life like it's a fairy tale, but who's to say it can't be? I see you in my dreams, and it's an effect of thinking about you too much. My little thoughts of you have become overbearing over my other thoughts. I just want a chance. Will you give me that?

Wow. I never ask for things like this. I'm not usually this outspoken. But I'm sure I want this. I don't want to think anymore. I picture you doing the same thing, thinking. Hopefully, I'm a part of your thoughts. It's too late not to feel a little pain, but it's good pain. I wanted this. I haven't been able to crush, let alone fall, and you may be the one to get me out of this. If you're not, then I'll just keep waiting. I know the wait will be even longer this time, but I have some patience left in me... for now. 

Here are some of my thoughts. You, showing up at my doorstep. You, holding my hand. You, calling me up just to keep me company.

I want to fall in love with you. 

You, being my first real love. 

It takes food

 "Wanna share a steak?"



Is that all it takes? Food? At least we're kinda talking now. But he knows, and I know that we have something unsettled between us. I think that feeling will always be there. I think I kinda proved to myself that he does need me. I know I need him too, but I felt just a little different in the 2 days that I was going about the house not really acknowledging him.

There's always going to be a wall between us. Unless... He maybe sees me as more than a naive little girl. I thought he saw me as an equal. I thought he could at least understand some of the pains I go through. But I think he still doesn't understand. What am I to do? I think about him, and what he's been through. I can't compare our pains, that wouldn't be fair to any of us. It's different for everybody.

So, I wanna be the bigger person. I think I've already tried, but I'm not giving up. I will continue to apologize for my faults, forgive him his wrongs, pray for him. I have wrongs too, don't get me wrong. I have uncountable faults and flaws. I have to learn to forgive myself, and then him. It's all I can do. I pray for forgiveness too.

For now, all I know is, he used food to start talking to me again. I did not talk to him because I could resist the temptation of a medium rare steak. I did it because he's my father. He always will be. Despite everything that has happened and will continue happening(in my opinion), I still look up to him. Always will need him. And I know he needs me too.

Now, enjoy some pictures of food. This is majority of what I ate for dinner.

oxtail soup

garlic bread

medium rare rib-eye steak

 tutti frutti

I was the only one who had tutti frutti by the way. Hehe:) My favourite? Grape flavored frozen yogurt with only jelly toppings. (Preferably grape jelly and lychee jelly) ;)

My smile is genuine

I am so smitten:) No, not because of a guy. I achieved something this year. Something that makes me cover my eyes in disbelief every time I think about it. I can't hide my smile though. And that blush that spreads from my neck all the way to my forehead. Haha:D

There's still a few disturbing thoughts in my mind but I'm going to let myself be happy. I need to be happy. I deserve it. I have so many teachers to thank. Especially, Puan Sharon, Puan Anis and Puan Zihan:) I jumped up and down in front of these teachers. They really made my day. And hopefully, the rest of my week;) Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

I wish I could share this with you, mommy:) But I know you're smiling too:) Apparently being respectful to teachers, and being a little bit of a teacher's pet, gets me awards. I don't have to be excellent in my academic studies. I definitely am not excellent in my academic studies:/

Anyways, Sam's happy:)


I like teddy bears.

Silence

My own silence is killing me. Why did I choose not to speak? He spoke. After the storm... he spoke. But the words he used weren't pleasant again. I spoke then. After a few words, I decided against it. At that time, I told myself there wasn't a reason for me to speak. There still isn't.

It's silent where I am. The storm outside is loud. Was loud, but now it's subsiding to suit exactly how I feel. I thought I was done with these feelings. Apparently, I'm not. I laughed today. I cried yesterday. Will I manage a smile tomorrow?

My smile is not genuine, for now. I'm sorry if I've been fooling any of you. I'm telling you the truth now. I am not happy. I was caught for my changed behavior today. "You're not the girl you once were last year..." What's that supposed to mean? I guess it means that I have not been myself.

The aftermath of a storm is supposed to be calming. This time yesterday, I wasn't ready for the storm that was about to hit me. And right now, I'm in the aftermath of it all. Never had silence drawn out this long. You want what I have? Take it. It's not that I don't love my life and appreciate all I have, it's just that sometimes it's not worth the basic love I want to experience.

My own silence is killing me, can you hear me cry now? No? That's cause I only cry on the inside now. Wouldn't want to start up another storm. The rain I see through my window is enough for me.

He is my father.

Can you hear me, mom? I need you. Mend my heart and hold my hand. Tell me everything will be alright....

Sandra's thoughts

She can't see herself without you. You make her feel... alive. How long has it been since she's felt that way? She can't really remember.

"This is crazy..."

She is free willed. She loves life. She just wants to live it. But somehow, she wants to live part of her life with you. Sure, she's only sixteen, but what if you feel just a little bit of what she feels. What then? You are so different from anyone she has in her life right now. Or from anyone she's ever had in her life before this, people she may have let go of for good reason...

She has dreamt of you, oddly enough. And that happened when she'd just started acknowledging you. She sees your face in her thoughts. Wondering what else she has yet to know about you. Don't call her weird or peculiar, this is just how she is right now. She just may want to get to know you, that's all.

She's still unsure of herself in many ways. She's usually never sure of many things. Anything. So, she is unsure about you. You are barely a friend, and yet, she wants you to be. Not a short term friend, but a long term one. One she hopes is a good influence on her. Can you be a good influence on her?

She smiles when you're not looking, because a minute ago, you were looking, at her. For the first time in a situation like this, she's able to act coy, and treat you like everybody else. But in different circumstances, I'm pretty sure she'd treat you differently. Because you are special, to Sandra:)

Arnold has long been out of Sandra's life, and maybe he did play a big part in it once, but no longer. So, he is not the one she is thinking about so frequently. You are. If you only knew who you were...

He is a teenage boy.

Sandra is my alter-ego. And she's falling for a seventeen-year-old boy.

I'm not hiding anything

So, I went out with my dad today. My dad, dad. The one I share the same surname with. Guess what? I told him everything. From some of my experiments and experiences from past years to what's going on in my life right now. I feel good knowing that I'm not hiding anything from him anymore. I'm no longer a little girl, but to him, I always will be.

He knew from the start that I wasn't perfect. Even now, but I can speak with more confidence, telling him and everyone around me exactly who I am as a person. I want everyone to see me for who I really am. My dad especially. I think I showed him today. I really am no longer hiding. Maybe I was before, but I'm not now. Not from anyone.

I want to move one with my life. Maybe I didn't let go of everything that happened to me before, but I am letting go now. I wanted my dad to see that. To know that, I do love him, even if he doesn't think so at times. I also had the 'It's okay if the time comes for me to have a boyfriend' talk with him. I had this same talk with my stepfather. Because I want them to understand that I am trustworthy, and even though there may be another special guy in my life, my love for them will never lessen. It can only grow. I'm not saying that I do have that kind of special guy in my life, but I just wanted to prepare them. I do hope to have someone I can trust like that someday, but that time hasn't come for me yet.

At this point, being a little girl to 2 fathers isn't easy. And yes, they are both fathers to me in their own way. Only I will ever understand this. I am so loved and feel so blessed. My mother's love would've always been enough for me, but instead, I also have these 2 amazing father figures to look up to. My mom gave me all the love she could give, and I'll be eternally grateful.

All I wanted to say here is, I'm not hiding anything anymore. Not now and not ever. I want to love and be loved for who you see me for. I will never try to be something I'm not. I've made my mistakes, and I know there's probably more to come, but I'm ready for whatever trial and challenge God has for me.

Welcome to my realizations:)

Last/Final Goodbye

This is finally my last goodbye

It took a while but now I see

That there is so much more to life

Than that boy who couldn't appreciate me

So, I sing my last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was down

You always told me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Then you walked out of my life

Broke my heart into pieces

When I saw you with her

Only one month later

It took two years but who are you to judge

This only proves how much I loved you

You left me hanging with so many doubts

If your love for me was true

I bet you can guess why I'm so happy now

I think I've finally found someone

The wait for him was definitely worth while

You will never be half the man he is

So, I can't wait to end this last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was done

You always showed me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Now, I want you out of my life

I won't pine for you any longer

I am ready to say

My final goodbye

I know it's a little overdue cause this did happen a long time ago, but I think I finally needed to say it to myself. Out loud. Or maybe, just sing it:) I am really happy now by the way.

This is my final goodbye to you so, no more worries. You will never have to read about yourself here again:)  

Run In The Rain

I'm lost, so lost....
My legs are moving, don't know where I'm going.
I failed to express how I was feeling, and you wouldn't listen....

So, I'll run in the rain. 

I feel so much pain. 

Your back was turned, 

So I took the opportunity to run away....

You tried to find me, but I was too far to be seen.
I felt so weak, I couldn't bring myself to speak....

I ran so fast....

You couldn't catch me, 

You couldn't pull me back.

Do I need to keep running, till I reach a dead end?

No, I'll keep running in the rain. 

I'll feel all this pain.

Your back will forever be turned,

So I'll keep running, 

Cause I have nothing else to say.

Just a little song

I want to spend my whole life writing. 

I can't find the perfect words now to make this an amazing song, but I believe it is a good song. 

Never underestimate a small feeling because it can bring great things. Thank you for inspiring me:)

Little

I see your face as I walk by. I smile a little cause I'm so shy. Don't you know you make my heartbeat go wild?

I stutter cause I'm so nervous. So, why don't you just take over this conversation and let me know why...

I can't help myself from thinking...

You're a little bit charming, just a little bit funny. You're a little too good to be true. 

You're a little bit serious, just a little mysterious. You're a little too good to be true.

So, come on over and say hi, and just before you tell me goodbye, please remember the first day we met.

You looked at me with those brown eyes. I looked away cause I couldn't hide, that funny grin you put on my face. 

I can't help myself from falling a little in love with you:)

My Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon, I like to let my mind wander off to some faraway place that is untouchable by anyone but me.
I can control everything, every movement. I can control myself.

Because right now, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm still myself on the outside, you can see that. But on the inside, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing when I'm doing my favourite things. I feel nothing when someone says hurtful things to me. I feel nothing when someone pushes my buttons. I can't feel true happiness, true sadness, true anger.



What I do feel is fear. Fear that I'm unable to do anything. To be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, or even worse, a good follower of Christ. I need to get my life back on track. How did I manage to stray so far so fast? No, it wasn't because of the holidays. It started long before. And no, it wasn't because of the people I've been spending time with. They have done nothing but love me.

For a moment there, I thought I was starting to crush, but that feeling soon faded. Everything around me seems faded. I want to live a colorful life again. Yes, my life was colorful. So bright and beautiful. So meaningful. My life was and is a gift from God. I need to treasure it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Maybe it's an identity crisis, but I thought I'd been through that already. If it's not the people around me that's affecting me, it must be the things I'm doing to myself.

I'm a dreamer. I'm one of the worst dreamers you will ever know. I have all kinds of dream and I can definitely dream when I'm awake too. But when I'm asleep, my favourite dream to go back to is the one where I'm in her arms again. I always seem to be crying, because I don't want her to let go. Stay in my dreams mommy. Tell me what I need to be doing. I miss you so much. Don't let me wake up to my emotionless life.

But I have to. I have to make this life better for myself. I deserve that much. God gave me life. I wasn't an accident. I was meant to be here. There is a purpose for me.

Once in a blue moon, I think good thoughts. I know that here and now is where I'm meant to be. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl with so much to learn. So much to experience. So much to feel. I will feel something. Just like I only feel LOVE when I see my mother's face in my dreams....

Once In a Blue Moon

Have YOU watched 'THE SMURFS' yet?

 Gotta love BRAINY!!!

 Neil Patrick Harris!!

 Rayshell and I think they look good together;)

Clumsy, Grouchy, Papa, Smurfette, Gutsy, Brainy

I Smurf you! <3