I'm never alone, and neither are all of you;)

I am terrible at maintaining my own blog. My anonymous writer is doing a better job than I am. I just thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you more about her and also inform you of what I may be posting about next year. Hehe:)

First of all, 'aw'(anonymous writer) is an amazing girl. I see her as more of a sister than a friend. We're closer than I ever thought we could be. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She is a true blessing from God. She's talented. Full stop. She has multiple talents. I can only name a few, to keep her identity a secret;) If that's what she wants, I'm going to give her that, until the day she's ready to show herself. She can not only write but she's also a talented pianist. That's all I can say, but believe me when I say that there's more to her than just these 2 talents. She is a hardworking student and she has a lot of patience. *Especially when it comes to me* She can listen to me go on and on about my life and advices me repeatedly. I hope I'm able to return the favors she's done for me in the future.

AW and I have not always seen eye to eye. We weren't always this close, despite knowing each other for almost 3 years. I wish I'd seen how great a friendship we could have had so long ago. I am glad we are friends now.

Mom, you know who I'm talking about;) I know you would've loved her:)

Okay, although I'm not as good a writer as AW, but I owe it to my readers/friends to write my own stuff. I write mostly about my family and friends. What I do during my free time and the silly random moments I experience with my friends and family. I want to learn to write as well as AW, she promised to coach me;) besides, other things she promised to help me with. She also promised that she'll keep me grounded especially when it comes to my studies, seeing I only achieved 3 As for PMR. Yes, I'm not proud of it and I know I didn't try my absolute best but I will try my best next year. I promise you. SPM is a crucial exam after all.

I thought I'd try my hand at writing stories but I'm afraid I won't be as good a writer as AW. She amazes me as well as all of you reading right now.

This year has been a tough year for me. There is a huge difference in my life this year and last year. Last year, I found myself to be mixing with the wrong friends and doing things that I'm not proud of. I don't regret though, cause I've learnt a lot from those mistakes. This year has not been easy, I know, but it's also been my best year yet!! I've learnt more life lessons that I bargained for. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and I've involved myself in extra curricular activities I'm proud to say I'm a part of. Being a part of the CF committee just makes me smile. Knowing I'm able to serve God in my school, WOW, now that's something to be happy about:) I know I also have to reach out to friends and family outside my school, and I will not forget that. I will definitely do my best.

I guess that's my resolution for the year 2011. Without knowing what I was writing, I've just listed all my new year resolutions. I never make a big deal out of them. But I think it's good to have a few small goals to reach for when starting a new year. Do better in school. *Have AW tutor me if I fail to catch up* Bond with my family and friends. Serve God in and out of school. Learn to write better. *I'm taking a creative writing class next year, I think, not confirmed* Oh, and one more. And this is for my girlfriends(Rayshell, Yifen, Brenda) out there. They know what it is before I even say it. We're not going to involve ourselves with boyfriends until we're at least 18. And to do that, we're staying away from platonic relationships. Look it up, I'm not going to repeat the talk we had with a facilitator at PJEFC. More than one. And for more than 2 hours. It was a good and productive talk, don't get me wrong, and we definitely benefited from it. I'm all for it, and so are my friends:)

Those are my resolutions. Hehe:) Here I come year 2011. I am not afraid. I have never been. With God by my side, I'm never alone, and neither are all of you;)

O Holy Night

Voices of carolers exuded a kind of warmth into the cold Christmas Eve atmosphere.  I buttoned up my winter fur coat and slipped my already gloved hands into my pockets. It was -17 degrees; this frigid temperature could not get any worse.  As I paced another candy-cane façade of the town, I couldn’t help but notice the number of lovers that passed me by. Linked arm and arm, I could see how elated they were. It seemed as if nothing in the world could take away that warm, fuzzy feeling bubbling inside them. Their faces seemed to glow, lighting up the streets with their incessant chatter. They were like pixies that left behind a trail of sparkle dust that scintillated under the Christmas illuminants in hopes that it would brighten up someone’s day. Had they found the one they were to spend the rest of their lives with? Only time will tell, I thought. Despite the Christmas decorations, the songs blasting from nearby shopping centers and the countless lovers that shuffled past with gifts in their hands, I simply just wasn’t in the mood for any of it. Perhaps it was because of the pain I had to put up with that caused me to lose my Christmas spirit all together.

I retrieved my hand phone from my right jeans pocket hoping to have received a miscall or at least a message. I stared at my Christmas themed wall paper only to find it staring back blankly at me as if to say, “What? Were you really expecting something from him?” My face fell, disappointment pressed onto every inch of it as I stuffed the phone back into my pocket.  I strolled past yet another group of carolers and finally stopped in my tracks, enthralled by the unison and the harmony of their voices as they broke into a song. I shut my eyes and took in a long deep breath of the chilled seasonal breeze, soaking in the familiar Christmas tune sung in 4 part harmony as if it would be of any comfort to the stinging pain in my heart. Surprisingly, it did, momentarily. My face became a picture of concentration as I tried my best to hang on to that feeling; that feeling of hope. Humming along to the chorus, I could feel the hurt magically peel away layer by layer, each line of the song conjuring up the past which I have yet to let go of. They jump up at me like snapshots, each click a painful memory.

A Thrill of Hope, The Weary Soul Rejoices. For Yonder Breaks, A New and Glorious Morn.

Click. Mom, dad and I, a happy family. Click. We’re decorating the Christmas tree. Mom and dad look at each other with so much love and joy in their eyes. Click. Mom and dad fight. Click. Dad comes home late. Click. He’s drunk again. I can tell from the way he’s unable to enunciate his words clearly. Click. Mom brings home a new guy she met at work. He has eyes, the green of the clear ocean, an aquiline nose, a set of straight teeth and not to mention his vast knowledge in the field of culinary arts. He is the paragon of Mr. Perfect, which woman in her right mind would choose to let him go? Click. Mom and dad sign the divorce papers and I never saw dad again after that. Although I am glad that mom is finally happy, I still long for us to be a family again. Black eyed peas, I second you, where on earth IS the love?

Fall on Your Knees, O Hear the Angel’s Voice. O Night, Divine, O Night, When Christ Was Born.

Click. I hear the booming sound of sirens. It’s coming from an ambulance. Click. It’s heading towards the hospital from my best friend, Lily’s place. Click. I rush to the hospital. Click. I see her parents. Their faces knitted with the worry that their daughter wouldn’t survive the asthma attack. Click. A doctor emerges from an operating room and heads towards her parents.  Their eyes are round circles of alarm and their cheeks are hollowed out with fear as the doctor delivers the life wrecking news to them. Click. The words “passed away” battered in our ears, pounded in our heads and drummed in our throats. Click. Her mom breaks down. The grey sullen sky outside seems to fit our dismal thoughts. Click. Hot tears blur my vision and trickle down my face as I reminisce the many good times we shared. Now all of it is but a distant memory. Why do the good die young?

O Night, Divine. O Night, O Night Divine.

Click. It’s Alex. Click. I watch him walk towards me from a distance. He completes the autumn sun set scenery that is displayed before me. Click. He’s got a mop of curly brown hair, deep maroon of mahogany eyes that dances when he talks, a cheeky smile that reveals his perfect teeth, soft lines at his jaw and a rugged physique. All in all, he has strong but striking features and an air of inquisitiveness he inherits from his father. Click. I welcome him with a loving embrace and he responds with a kiss that sends tingles down my spine. Click. He’s happy, I’m happy, we’re happy. Or so I thought. Click. I catch him flirting with another girl. Click. She gets into his car and they drive off into the night. Click. I call him up for the millionth time, but it goes straight to his voice mail. I sink into my couch and balled my eyes out to sleep. Splendid, just when I thought things were perfect. Click. I’m having breakfast at my favourite restaurant. I see him. Click. Our eyes meet. My body rigid with anger, my face full of rage and my eyes, on fire. Click. I pull out the ring he had given to me on our 1 year anniversary and slam it on the table. Click. I storm out. My complexion was now the colour of whey, my eyes, duller and troubled, every muscle and sinew tense by anger. Click. I cry again.

Just as the song comes to an end, the clock strikes 12 and fireworks shoot into the night sky to commemorate the birth of the little baby Jesus. They paint the dull sky with such fluorescent colours; I couldn’t help but stand amaze at the multi-coloured sky. I imagine each firework being one of my troubles. I imagine them being lifted into the sky and bursting to show their true colour. For the first time in a long time, I say a silent prayer and smile as the weight from my shoulders dissipate into thin air. Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I check the screen and feel a tear ooze out from the corner of my eye. “O holy night, indeed”, I manage to chuckle before I answer the call airily.

“Merry Christmas, dad! It’s about time you called…”

***

I'm helping my friend once again. She's quite the writer, don't you think. I'm really happy to help her out :) Give her your critisism and comments, please? She wants to improve and she can't do it without you. Thanks :D

New look

 I thought this would be fun. Hehe:) My aunt took some pics of me after my slight transformation. Just a short post to show you:)

My sis had a small transformation herself...

Mom, I hope you can see at least a bit of yourself in me. I'd really like that. Look at it this way, I never wanted to do anything with hair but perm it a little. I never want to colour it, highlight it, or straighten it. But I do like curls, and I know for a fact that you liked them too:)

I just can't sleep

I haven't been feeling well lately. Dad says it may be some kind of stomach flu or stomach bug... The point is, my stomach aches off and on without warning, leaving me to suffer not being able to move about as freely as I want. I can't laugh, cause it will hurt. I can't bend, cause it will hurt. Worst part is, I can't sleep!!

Okay, don't judge me on this. I felt like I needed protection. I felt like a helpless, sick kid that needed a parent to look after me. I haven't had that in a while. Some of you may know why. I'm quite alright by myself. I can't cook for myself and I definitely don't clean up after myself, but I don't like to bother anyone when I'm sick. For the past 3 years that my mom fought her cancer, whenever I got sick, I would often neglect to inform anybody, especially my family. Even if I did tell them, it would be like a light subject that I ran by them and I would never ask for any help. I usually prescribed my own medicine. Which included, warm water, honey water for a sore throat, everfessence for a mild flu, and if worse comes to worst, a couple of panadol pills for a fever(I do not recommend this on anyone, please don't try this at home.) My illnesses have been mild for most of my teenage life, so I never had to trouble anybody. I saw a doctor maybe once in 2 years?

But this year... I have seen a doctor twice already. First was sometime middle of this year. My tonsils got infected and that went on to cause me a slightly more serious fever than I would've liked. My dad had called in a favor then, to my youngest grandaunty to take me to see a doctor. Did I mention I have had abnormally large tonsils ever since I was a kid? That is not something I was or am very fond of, because everytime I saw a doctor about my tonsils, they all said the same thing. YOUR TONSILS ARE HUGE!! / THEY'RE LIKE KISSING TONSILS!! And I'd be like, I KNOW!! (In my head of course). I'd go on to tell them that it's been this way ever since I was a kid. Can't help it, can't change it, unless you remove it of course, but I don't want to get into that. That day was the same with my grand-aunt. He prescribed some medication including the oh so famous antibiotics and blablabla. I went home and did what the doctor had said. I rested and drowned myself with drugs and eventually got better.

Today, the sickness is different. It happened on Friday 26/11. It just happened out of the blue. At first we thought it was just food poisoning... So my aunt and older cousin from my dad's side gave me some charcoal pills that helped a few hours each day, but the pain never went away. So yesterday, my dad took me to see a doctor. I had, and still have no reason to trust this doctor but what choice did I have? He was this really really oversized man with a laptop and an iPhone laid out on his table to show off. He had this 'I don't care' expression on his face when he was asking me questions about my pain. My face was twisted with pain and he showed no signs of caring. He checked my temperature for a fever and used his stethescope to check my stomach? I've never had a doctor do that before. He pressed right where the pain was and I twinged in my seat. OWW!! To give a brave impression, I said nothing of course. Did I mention his laptop page was facebook and he had a green iPhone cover? That probably has nothing to do with his doctor's degree but I prefer having a doctor who shows a little bit more attention to his patients and at least puts on a pretend-to-care face instead of an expressionless one... He gave me the medicication and blablabla. You know the drill.

Okay, now back to the part where I don't want you to judge me on. I decided to sleep with my dad and sis in the master bedroom. It's a King sized bed so it can fit all 3 of us, but barely. I thought I'd feel safe there. More comfort. Having my dad watching over me like I was a little girl again. Having my sister hug me knowing that's the best thing she can do for me. Besides, I love her hugs. I love her. The first night was no fun at all. At that point, the pain wasn't that bad... yet. The reason I couldn't sleep the first night? Mom, it's you.

I slept on the right side of the bed. Next to it is the hospital bed that my mom used to sleep on. I put the teddy bear I gave to her just a few months ago on it, along with my usual medication and a bottle of water. I stared at it and teared. I realized then, that I wasn't going to get any sleep at all that night, if I was lucky, maybe just a few hours. I kissed papa and kaela goodnight and went back to my thoughts of her. The most vivid thought was her stroking my hair when I used to lie there in the afternoon, the way I was lying there that night, just in a slightly different angle. She would talk to me about my day in school and always said to be strong no matter what happens. Her stroking my hair and me cuddling up to her was my 'manja time'. I'm not embarrassed of it. That may be the only thing stopping me from regretting all the times I didn't spend with her when she was alive. I had a million thoughts in my head. Repeating every image of her I could think of. Tears ran down my cheeks, for the second time in her room. The first was the day I got back from school and saw her motionless body lying there. The day I should've skipped school.

The 2nd night, was when the pain got worse. This was a totally new level of pain for me. I usually say I have a high tolerance for pain, but I think I can no longer say that. That night I thought of mom again. But this time no tears. It was like she was comforting me and helping me get more rest, and I did. The pain was unbearable at times but I went back to sleep soon afterward. The 3rd night was just last night. Although I had just seen the doctor and taken all medication as told the pain was worse. My aunt said it was normal. It was 'cleansing' my stomach... Doc said I was dehydrated and had some sort of food poisoning, not a very doctorly opinion if you ask me. I didn't sleep for the first few hours, staring blankly at the empty hospital bed next to me, tossing and turning, cringing at my stomach at every little move I made.

The word in my mind has changed. It's no longer, 'She's gone'. It's 'Mom'. Just 'Mom'. I feel like I'm calling her in my head. I want her arms around me telling me it's going to be alright. Even in her last days on Earth, her skinny arms still made me feel safe. I should've kissed her more and showed more affection instead of being the typical teenager she said I would grow up to be when I was little. It's too late for all that now. I repeat that word in my head, I'm not sure why. To keep her with me? To hear the sound of my voice in my head saying a word I will never say again? Or maybe just to remind myself that I have a mother watching over me.

I love you, mom. And I am getting better. I finally got my braces off and I'm sure you can see my straight teeth from above:) I'm not sure why I permed my hair, maybe it's cause I wanted to be more of a mother's daughter. I always thought you were pretty with curls in your hair, so, I wanted to do that too. I haven't had a dream of you yet, and other relatives have. Why is that mom? I want to see you in my dreams. I promise not to be scared...

How to make your dad happy

 Let him look at cars in a showroom at the mall. He just loves that.



That's not all we did, mom.

 Guess who's leg is who's? Hint: My sister takes after her father a lot. These are her shoes by the way...

Italiannes' food comes in a big portion. If you ever go there, I advice you share your food with someone, like I did with my sister. Unless you're my friend Tze Kwang. He doesn't even have to skip a meal to finish this. He's just your typical food lover:)

Love you, mom:) We made papa smile today

Our perfect man must like our cookies;)

It all started with a PPR bookmark-making meeting. (You future PPR members better love the bookmarks we made 2011, we worked really hard on it!) Just hope the designs are to their liking. Sue Lu, the only form 4 that showed up came up with some incredible designs. Too bad she had to leave early. Leaving Ai Jin, Yi Lin, Rayshell, Brenda, Yi Fen and me. We girls can talk. We had to since we were waiting for Rayshell's dad to come and it was a interesting conversation/conversation(s). PS: Don't ever let Rayshell get near your lap, let alone sit on it. You'll be in for a tickle and slight numbness. (She bounces)

After we saw Rayshell off, the 5 of us went to Atria for lunch. Tom Yam Mee Hoon a little too spicy for Ai Jin. Everybody tried some except for me and I felt so left out and unMalaysian-like. I JUST CAN'T EAT SPICY FOOD!! I'm sorry mom, that's one thing we don't have in common. You can eat hot stuff and I can't. One thing I can do that you used to do is scold papa for taking TOO MUCH chilli as it will affect his cholesterol level.

With our bellies full, we went walking around Atria for a bit before my dad came and picked Yi Fen, Brenda and I up. "Outside the fish shop", we would say. The Teow Chew restaurant. Ai Jin thought it was an actuall fish up, with an aquarium and everything. Haha:D

We got home and watched the Zoey 101 special-Chasing Zoey *I Like Chase!* Then when Alycia arrived, we got started on our baking. During the 'baking' process, Brenda bonded with my sister while Yi Fen and Alycia enjoyed 2 iCarly specials-iSaved Your Life and iQuit iCarly. We watched stupid shows, yes, but very interesting. Brenda did this whole alien thing with my sister and was kind enough to watch her ride her bike. I wish I had an elder sister like that. (Chelsea, you're so fortunate!)

Alycia's mountain of flour

Look! Alien hands!!

Those lines are bubbles by the way:) My sister just loves bubbles

The Perfect Man is an awesome movie by the way. Old, but sweet. It had a cool story line and we all enjoyed it. My prayers came through by the way. Yi Fen and Brenda got to watch it finish. Sadly, Alycia had to leave early but luckily, she's seen it before.

I hope the cookies turned out alright mom:) Not TOO sweet like Kaela's last badge;)

Keys

Keys

She inhaled. The smell of Mahogany wood lingered in the air and stimulated her senses, sending thrills down her spine. She ran her fingers over the keys, black and white both. With her eyes tightly shut, she recalled the days where her mom would accompany her to the class that she dreaded the most. She would kick and scream and whine and punch till she was out of breath. Then reluctantly, she’d allow her mom to drag her into class. “Shhh. It’s going to be fine. It’s good for you, dear. For your future, you know?” her mom cooed softly and gently wiped away the tears flowing down her pink cheeks.  She endured years of pure agony. Never once during that period of time could she comprehend the efforts of her mom putting her through this class. Why fork out so much money just to put me through something I hate doing? Why waste my time and hers when we can do something so much more beneficial with the amount of time taken up by the class? Why? Never once did it cross her mind that it’d become a potential career path or at least a temporary source of income.

“You may start your first piece when you’re ready,” she heard the examiner say in a deep and calm yet friendly tone. She turned around towards the source of voice. She was surprised, he wasn’t old like all the other examiners she had met before. He was young -estimated in his early 20s-, tall, handsome, not dark, unfortunately. He had a mop of dark brown curls and those kind of blue eyes as clear as the finest crystal, yet misty like a fog in the atmosphere at dawn, as though a million insignificant yet profound thoughts went behind those blue eyes. His chiseled features and rugged physique complemented by his Italian custom made suit enthralled her. “Ahem, miss, would you care to start your piece now?” he said as he lifted his eyes from the paper in front of him and gave an encouraging smile, revealing a set of perfectly straight pearly whites. Scarlet trails appeared on her face in streaks, her face felt hot. She gave him a tight lipped smile and swiftly turned to her original position. ”Deep breaths, let’s show him what we’re made of,” she said in her heart and winked at the keys. With her fingers placed in position, she started her piece. Her fingers elegantly glided across the keys, hitting every note with such precision. Her body, caught in the wind of the dynamics, swayed so naturally and beautifully. Each note reminding her of her teacher’s soothing voice, each one bringing her back into the past. Legato, staccato, legato, staccato...

As the years went by, she started to love those classes. She loved how she was capable of composing a melody out of scratch. She loved how her ears could pick up chords from a song on the radio while her friends eyed her with envy. She never meant to show off, it was just her second nature and her friends understood that. “She is made for music,” they’d say as she moved her fingers on her lap -her imaginary piano- and tapped her feet to another song on the radio.  She wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time, she was a hermit. She always kept to herself and hardly met people. When she was forced to leave the house, mostly either for school or just to the nearby park, she had her head hung low; never having the guts to look anyone in the face. She had her mom’s persistency to thank. Even when she felt that she couldn’t keep up, her mom never gave up. The phrase “mothers know best” definitely proves itself to be true. Day by day, the keys became her best friends, they became the keys to her heart, unleashing the confidence in her that she was never able to muster.

Claps from behind break her thoughts and back to the present, she was. She turned to find that the examiner had got up from his seat, clearly bewildered and amused by the quality of music she had produced. The keys as it seems, have also unlocked something in his heart that brought him to life. She could have sworn that there was an infinitesimal pause as their eyes locked and her lips slid up into a smile. There was something different about his eyes. The mist, yes, the mist had cleared leaving a behind a piercing blue. He let out a hearty laugh then almost immediately dipped his head like a bashful boy. “Uhm, thank you. That was simply exquisite,” he said as he walked towards her.

“Thanks. And oh, thank YOU for having me”

“So, I’ll see you next grade?”

“Though the chances of me getting the same examiner are really thin -gossamer thin, in fact- I’ll cling on to that hope,” she said while turning the knob of the door. “After all, it IS only through hope that we are able to turn the keys that unlock one’s heart,” she expressed as she closed the door behind her. She grinned as she took a final glance at the door; the examiner’s name was imprinted in caps on a piece of paper that was stuck to it.

Who would have ever thought that many years later, she’d see that same name. Not on a door to a piano examination room, but at the door of a wedding ceremony, and right next to his name, hers. About a year later, they bore out of love, me, and here I am telling you this story in hopes that you may be inspired too. Because I do believe that the universe has a plan and that plan is always in motion. Fingers hitting the piano keys as the keys open a bounded heart. It’s a scary thought but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be there; The right place, at the right time. Mom and dad just happened to be part of it. Both key people destined to open many more locked hearts with keys. 

-Anonymous writer-

(I didn't write this, I'm just glad to help a friend. To friend, my mom would've loved reading this too) ;)

New things

Hey momma, we took our passport photo today. All 3 of us. Papa's finally going to renew his and my passport. That means I can travel overseas again!! :)

The lady gave us 10 minutes to go rome around Centre Point. Guess what? We went around the corner for my dad to check the batteries of his keys. Opposite the shop was the bicycle shop. Oops, there goes my little sister. "Cool bike!" she pointed out. The shop was almost empty!! She saw a bike that suited her perfectly though.. A pink LERUN bike for kids aged 9 to 15. It's not my type though. The guy there told me he'll call my dad when the new stock of bikes come in. Then maybe, I might just get a new bike;) My sis isn't the only one that loves the bike, my dad likes it too:)

This next part is for you, Rayshell:)
My dad, sis and cousin and I went to the Mont Kiara flee market today. They apparently only have it every Thursday afternoon and Sunday morning. Hmmm... She(my cousin) suggested it. It was so cool. They didn't have as much as a shopping complex but the things sold there caught my eye. From fruits to tupperwares to shoes to bags and of course, clothes. Shell just went shopping yesterday and today, it's my turn.

 believe it or not, these are my 1st pair of pumps:)

a dress or a...

skirt? I really like this. my family helped me pick the colour. I can never decide.  

I just love these bags. They're convenient no? 



How do I look mom? I know you would've like the dress. We have the same taste remember? Though you would've added that I have too many purple clothes already. I said so to papa and sue che che but they agreed on purple. Hehe. I guess purple will always be my favourite colour. I love you, mom. I promise not to spend TOO much of papa's money;)