Butterflies

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. 2 months actually. Hmmm... Semester 3 has really taken up a lot of my time. Gotta keep up my grades right? Anyway, I stumbled upon this quote and had an idea for a short post. Hehe. 

I wonder if Walt Disney thought of a double meaning when he said this quote. Because when I read it, I had 2 views on what it meant; to me at least.

If nothing changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Everybody has to change sometime. The way they look, the way they act. Everyone matures in their own time. Growing up is a beautiful thing. You grow and learn who you want to be as a person. Who you are. I know a lot of us hate growing up. Responsibilities start to pile, experiences accumulate and not all of them are pretty; but we all grow up. Time waits for no man. We just need to see things a little differently. We need to know that growing up is a good thing. We need to change in order to reach our full potential. Become who we were meant to become in this world. Change into a butterfly :)

If nothing changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Situations have to change. Circumstances change.To keep a relationship alive, things have to change. Take a family relationship for instance. To keep family happy, sometimes we have to change our perspective, give in to an argument because it's not worth losing a loved one over a disagreement. In a friendship, we have to change the way we think. Some of us may be quick to judge, when we should be quick to accept everyone's flaws. A healthy friendship is a happy one. In a romantic relationship, atmosphere needs to change in order to keep the love alive. Never stop trying and showing your special someone you love them. All these changes are necessary to have a beautiful relationship will all the important people around us. Then, we can all keep the feeling of butterflies in our belly, the feeling of happiness when around the people we love :)

Holding On and Letting Go

It's the concept of standing under the rain and facing the palm of your hands upward to catch raindrops in your hands; to hold on to that raindrop or let it slide pass your fingers. It's cold out but I can't bring myself to find shelter. I can feel my body weaken as I continue to take this position under the pouring rain. I'm soaking wet now but I'm not leaving this place of solitude under the rain until I've learnt my lesson.

Holding on
Insecurities work both ways. She is not the only one feeling insecure. He has insecurities too. The beauty of their relationship is the honesty and vulnerability of each promise made to one another, like a vow made between husband and wife. The tears, the rage, the laughter, the smiles... When he says, "I'm not gonna leave you" in more tones than one. He can say it like he's sad, he can say it like he's mad, he can say it when he's overjoyed and he can say it when he feels content. He will mean it every time, in every way. When she tries to be strong and thinks the worst of what could or could not happen, she hurts him. So, her transparency matters too. In the end, this is what they're holding on to. They're holding on to each other, to the love and promises made, to the pain and the hardships faced, to something beautiful.

Letting go
Bonds of a few months to a few years can be strong enough to hurt you. Especially when someone lets go of that bond you thought would be there forever. The pang of guilt she feels when she looks back and thinks she didn't do enough in the friendship to keep it going for more than 3 months or 4 years. Where did the feeling of security go with these amazing people who once meant the world to her, and somehow someway, still do? To hold on and hurt whenever a smile isn't returned, or a message not replied; or let go and let it be a thing of the past? Just like raindrops that slide down your arm, they will disappear; and I know one day, these feelings of hurt will disappear too...eventually. The question is, is this really the time to let go? Is letting go the answer to her problems?


My week in a nutshell.

Ever-changing

"It's just hard to believe that all of this...is my reality now. So much has changed. I still remember being a little girl. My mommy's little girl. I glance at something from my past and I remember the joy, the pain, the memory it gave me. I wear hand-me-downs from my mother and remember her arms wrapped around me. I brush my hair every morning and remember how she used to comb her fingers through my hair. I hum an old song and remember the first song I ever learnt how to sing -Amazing Grace. I open my closet and look at my little girl dresses and remember how small I was; how innocent I was. So much has happened since then. I know things now I wish I didn't. I've been through hard times that I never imagined could happen. And through all of this, I'm pretty sure I've changed. What if I've lost myself? What if I've lost that happy little girl? What if my lack of innocence affects my entire future? What if..."

I challenge you to look yourself in the mirror. Look at the man or woman you have become. The man and woman you are today. What do you see? Do you see someone you're proud of? Are you afraid of losing yourself like I am? Are you scared that you've changed into someone you don't even know anymore? Ask God who you are, who He wants you to be. I feel so insecure sometimes. My happiness is sincere but that doesn't mean I don't have fears. Fears that have me thinking through my days and nights. No one is perfect and my life certainly isn't. This life is an ever-changing experience. As we grow, we tend to change...and that's okay :) I will continue to change, but I'll be okay as long as I don't forget. Remembering is important, so I remember. I remember everything.

I miss you mom, I really do. Watch over me as I grow into the young woman you've always wanted me to be. I love you with all my heart and don't ever think that I've forgotten about you. I always remember to think of you. And like you said, "Don't forget to remember me." And I never will.

Happy

I am 100% happy. Right here, right now; I am in the moment, run-in-the-rain happy. I don't mind if it costs me a week of flu and fever. I'm gonna celebrate the joy God has once again showered upon me. Praise Him and only Him for this feeling of contentment and happiness :D

2nd semester results are out! After feeling condemn and judged by some, this was my moment of truth. I know I don't have to prove myself to anybody, but the urge to wanna do my best will always be inside of me. As we Chinese like to say: "KIA SU AH!"

As you can tell, I have to had received good results to be happy and in fact, I did! Although, the more appropriate word to use is SATISFIED. I truly believe that this semester went better than the last. I made better decisions and I understood what I wanted more than I did before. This semester definitely had its ups and downs as well, different challenges but challenges nonetheless. But in the end, God was sovereign over all. I'm 100% certain He did not only bless me but many others around me. From what I've observed on twitter, many others achieved satisfying results as well. All I hope for is that they glorify His name with them just like I plan to. No one deserves the credit more than He does.

Just like last semester, I was going through a hard time during my exam period. It seems to be a trend, doesn't it? I made a decision to follow my heart and in turn, I felt guns being pointed at me, knives stabbed into my back and enemy lines drawn all around me. Tears I never expected would be shed were my companions to sleep for 2 nights. Long story short, I felt like I lost some dear friends and that is not an easy fact for me to accept. I hate losing people. I feel like I've lost so much already, people I hold dear especially; so this hurt me more than I could have expected. On a positive note, I felt my family giving me the support I needed. High school friends reminding me that they're still always there for me. Self-made family in college that pushed me to be stronger and just plain old friends who never left my side through it all. Oh, and a special someone who had to experience the hurt with me but urged me to study and work hard through the pain; and study we did.

Prayers to the Lord is and always will be my way of getting through a difficult situation. Pray when you're happy, pray when you're sad. An interesting story is that due to this uncanny incident of lost of friendship, I gently asked my special someone to pray with me for the first time. He was hesitant at first but he of course, agreed. It made my heart grow even more for him. And just 2 nights back when I was having a hard time with a personal issue and had trouble falling asleep, he was the one who suggested prayer to me. That night will go down in history for me. I really hope that this beautiful sharing of prayers between 2 people continues throughout the rest of our relationship together. I can only pray for the best and have patience that God will heal all wounds in time. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life right now because in this moment, I am happy. God is love. Therefore, my relationship will not have God absent from it ever. Nor will I ever stop praising His name every time something wonderful happens to me :)

My results below should amount to a GPA of 3.8 (Distinction) Hehehehe *insert smile here*

3 As & 2 B+ for this semester alone

I hope I made you proud too mummy! I love you! <3

My battle to fight

I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while. Nor have I ever cried for hours straight. I'm not that girl. I will tell you who I am though. I'm the people-pleaser. I must have everyone like me or die trying. From what I heard, it's something I got from my mom. I now understand why she was pushed around so much. Why people took advantage of her and stepped all over her. I don't like to upset people. I like to find a way so that everyone is happy. If you think that I'm just telling you a bunch of lies, then you don't know me well enough and you should probably stop your reading here.

She has so many friends. Friends who she believes genuinely cares. Friends she would never hurt on purpose. Friends she hoped would stay with her till the end of time. But somehow, she feels hurt. She knows of the whispers behind her back. The shared secrets, the laughter. She knows she may have unintentionally hurt them, but she never expected to feel hurt back. Some advice was given to her today. It wasn't really advice, but something a father-figure would say to his daughter.

"Your friends care for you. They advise you. That's what friends do. What they may not understand is; even though they're intentions are good, wanting you to learn from their mistakes, you are still going to have to walk your own path and be certain that you will face hardships and you will get hurt. But that's you. It's your life. How come what they said could hurt you so much?"

"Because they mean something to me. They're my friends. I care for them too. I don't want them upset. I want them to be happy. But what I chose to do did not make them happy. I hurt them. I most probably don't deserve them."

"How about your happiness? You see, there are two ways this thing could go. It either doesn't work out, or you live happily ever after. There is no guarantee, but how will you know unless you put yourself out there? At the end of the day, you don't want to live your life saying I should've done that. Even if you've had bad experiences, you learn from them. But if you regret something that you've never tried, you can't even learn from that. Look at it this way, if it doesn't work out, you learn; if it does work out, you are happy. Don't you want to be happy? Because what's important now is you. Not him. Not them. Consider yourself and your immediate family. Honestly Sam, if they were your friends, no matter how many mistakes you make, they wouldn't leave you. Would you judge them? Even if they didn't take your advice? Would you judge them or support them and then be there for them in the end? You answer that yourself. If they want to walk away, let them walk. But I have a feeling that if you are truly happy and they can see that, they will learn to accept it."

Fighting a battle full of emotions and learning to be strong. Strengthening my faith with him and friends who are willing to stay by my side through thick and thin.

Thank you God for all the blessings you've given me already. I know you wouldn't throw me a battle I couldn't handle. And thank you for giving me family and friends as blessings in disguise :)

Love you, mummy! <3

Freedom

2 months! I haven't blogged in 2 months. I blame 2nd semester. But now, 2nd semester has officially ended! Woohoo!:D

Although it's only about 3 weeks of freedom, I'm just glad that I have some time to myself for a while. Also, time to spend with family, friends and that special someone.

"It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee."

Look how we've grown!

2nd semester of college is really stressful. I barely have any time to myself! To be honest, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but hey! A girl needs time to breathe okay? One week of assignment due dates have passed which means, a slightly more relaxing weekend. Assignment are still piling in but a couple of friends and I managed an afternoon out for an impromptu photoshoot. The only sad thing is that our dear friend, couldn't make it :( We really wished she was there with us. Anyway, enjoy some of my personal favourites from the shoot :)

<3

Hello May

So... I'm in the midst of my second semester and I think everything is going well. There's so much uncertainty lately I'm not even sure if everything is supposedly "fine".

Enough with the self pity. It's almost the end of the first week of May. Time sure does fly by, huh? Like I said previously, I'm focusing on family, friends and studies. Everything is on track, which makes it a little weird for me, really. I don't want drama in my life, trust me. I had enough of that in my first semester. But if I were to be honest, I can always find some form of drama somewhere in my life. The difference now is, I've learnt how to handle difficult situations better. At least I think I have...

I admit, I let a recent realization get to me a little. My so called previous "relationship"? Yeah, I found out he moved on. Upon knowing this, I thought to myself: Part of the reason we decided to part ways was because he was leaving the country in July. So, what is he doing with someone else in Malaysia? This just confirmed for me the liar he really was. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven him for not being the best person there for me. I've moved on from him. But I have to say that I haven't fully moved on from the decisions I made in the past. Especially the decision to actually pursue something with someone like him. Like I said before, he's not a bad person, but he isn't the best person. And he definitely was not good for me. I learned my lesson there at least.

Another recent interesting event that happened had to do with my friends embarrassing me. So, I pointed to a guy I thought was cute in the college cafeteria like my friends so often make me do. Before I knew it, they went over there to talk to him, embarrassing me into the next century. What happened next was worse than you can imagine. He refused to come over and talk to me despite my friends' unrelenting pursuing that he do just that. They came back with the so called "bad news" and all I could think was to hide my face and apologize for the harassment I just put that poor boy through. My friends just have to understand that I'll be ready for a relationship when the time comes and things like this cannot be pushed or forced. Oh! The cute guy's name is Sam! Can you believe it?:P Here comes the good news... He replied to my Facebook apology message and made my day! I still think he's cute by the way. Hehe;)

Assignments are piling up. Due dates are getting closer. I'm worrying but I know nothing is impossible with Him in my life. A new friend reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 just yesterday. I really needed that reminder, so thank you :)

Looking forward to a better month ahead, not that April was bad. April was fairly kind to me actually and I thank God for that :) My May wish? For God to show me the plans which he has in store for me. I really don't want to be making anymore decisions without praying about it first, without knowing that this is what God really wants me to do. I just joined KDU's Christian Fellowship and I'm really looking forward to my first meeting on Wednesday. God truly is good in so many ways, and I'm just glad I get to worship Him wherever I am. Even in college :)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Long gone, moved on, but staying strong

I think that says it all. New semester, new friends, new start :)

I came into my first semester of college with a senior at my tail. I was blindsided for the first 3 months of my college life, but I'm not going to let that happen again. Despite going through that rough patch of falling into temptation, of chasing things that were not good for me, I made it. I ended my first semester with straight As. Yeah, that's right! With God, ANYTHING is possible.

Exam week was the same week I was crying over a ridiculous break up. I would study and take "crying breaks". After each paper I sat for, I literally went home and cried. I was only able to hold it together long enough to finish up an exam paper. That is why I really praise God for the results I managed to achieve. Do you know how amazing it is to say that I conquered a hardship AND managed results I can glorify His name with? It is truly something I will shout out at the top of mountains. God is so good, and all glory goes to Him. Only Him.

As for the boy who I let get to me, I only want the best for him and his family. I can only pray that one day, he will come to know my God. I want God to touch him and change his life the way He has changed mine. This boy is not a bad guy. He just made a mistake. I made a mistake. But God is ever forgiving. Ever loving. I want God's love to touch this boy. I want him to want to know about God. About His Son. About His ultimate sacrifice. About His grace.

It's the start of my 2nd semester in college. I'm meeting new friends, new lecturers, learning new things. I was so afraid that I would be marked by the decisions I made in first semester, but I'm not. Some may judge me, some may condemn me and make up their mind about me without even knowing me, but I know that there are those out there who don't. Who don't judge me, who will take the time to get to know me for me. And for that, I am truly grateful. I feel truly blessed :)

For a little while, I forgot to believe. I let my emotions get the best of me. But this experience had its purpose. I don't think I would've pushed so hard to succeed in my first semester if it wasn't for everything that had transpired. At that time, I was telling myself that since I sucked at relationships, everything else in my life had to be perfect. I then came to realize that that's not necessarily true. I just really have to try my best and keep believing in the strength God has put in me. I ventured into uncharted territory, had my heart broken and came out alive. I hope that whoever is reading this will remember that he or she is a strong person. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Our God is so merciful, so good. He won't give you a hardship you can't get through. He provides. He loves. He loves you. Jesus loves you. 

Hello April

A step into a new month.

After overcoming certain hardships, I have come to realize that nothing really ends. Life keeps moving. Drama will keep coming. Hardships will always arise.

"Close the windows and the doors. Don't give them a way back into your life."

Now, that is easier said than done. To click a simple "unfollow" button on twitter is so hard. The urge of wanting to know something you probably shouldn't. Why shouldn't you? Because it honestly does you no good. It will just hurt you. Whatever he's doing, whoever he's with, IT'S NOT YOU.

So, why do you still do it? Why do you let him have that hold on you?


It's another new month. As long as I'm still standing, I will be grateful :)
Straight As for my first semester of college. Not bad at all ;)

"Before it gets better, it gets worse." - Steve Moakler

Gone in the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, they had moved on. It doesn't matter how they moved on, what they did, who they moved on with. It matters when they moved on. NOW. They have both moved on.

Gone was the skepticism if what they had was real, if what they had was worth it.

Gone were the questions of who cared about who more, who was invested and who was just in it for the ride.

Gone were the days of missing each other, the days of remembering past moments.

Everything was just gone, in the blink of an eye. 

Smiling at 18 with 5 As.

I turned 18 on the 20th of March 2013.

I received my SPM results: 

2A+

3A-

1B+

1C+

2C

But if anyone asks, I'm just gonna say, "5As" ;)

In the meantime, my "moving on" process is well, moving on ;) I feel stronger and stronger every day. I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I'm meeting new people and showing them who I am. I no longer want anyone to define me, nor will I ever allow that to happen again. I define myself. I will tell you and show you who Samantha really is. 

You really never know what's gonna happen tomorrow unless you live it. Right now, living my life day by day is turning out just fine for me :)

I recently met a friend who I feel could use a quote like this one:

PS, he's a really amazing 23-year-old friend that I think should learn to smile more :)

Say it before it's too late

"Say it before it's too late."

In a letter of three pages, I did. Now it just depends on whether he accepts it or not, whether he reads it or not.

The hurt seems to never end. It's like punishment after punishment. Reminding me of all the bad decisions I've made, all the temptation I let get to me. I know I deserve it, so I'm taking in all this hurt. I'm embracing it.

"Who knows? Maybe 8, 10 years down the road..."

God knows. My life is in His hands. That's all I have to remember. No more trying to choose my own paths just because I have "feelings" and "emotions".

As me, I have to say some things before it's too late. Forgive me if I'm out of line, if I'm not who you thought me to be. I'll always care for those who broke my heart just a little more. Just remember that.

It's his eyes

"It's in the way he touches me; the subtle things he does that don't go unnoticed by me. I know what he's doing. He's not doing it to hurt me. He's doing it because there's a part of him that hurts too. How can I possibly be mad at him for that? How can I fault him for having a heart?"

"You can't be 100% certain he has a heart. Look at what he's done to you. Remember the tears, remember the appetite loss, remember the sleepless nights."

"Do you think I've forgotten all of that? Not a day goes by that I don't remember what heartache feels like; what that particular heartache felt like. It's his eyes. I've remembered those eyes. That's one thing he can't hide from me. I still have access to those eyes, at least while he's still here. He may talk a lot, but his eyes say more to me than he will ever know. I know. I know how he feels. He's not heartless."

She saw lights

She needed to get out of there. She needed to find him.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?"

Who was he now that 2 years had come and gone? A roughneck working at an oil rig company? Had his small petite body become strong? And was it full of scars just like she knew his heart was?

She loved that small petite body. She loved the boy he was. She was not sure she would love the man he had become.

After leaving him that morning, she roamed a foreign yet familiar place. She somehow ended up in an underground carpark, desperately looking for a way out. She was also not alone. Her dad and sister were with her. Playing the role of the obedient daughter and loving sister suddenly felt suffocating. She really wanted to find him. She needed to find him.

She knew he was in the building. She just knew it. She ran when her family wasn't looking. Her footsteps kept picking up their pace.

Lights. She saw lights. 

It was a beautifully lit up outdoor cafe. The lights streamed the roof overseeing a sea of couples on nicely set up rustic chairs and tables. She still felt short of breath. Panting slightly, she finally looked up.

He was walking towards her. Out of his dirty white t-shirt and jeans, he was wearing a formal shirt and looking as handsome as ever.

Into his arms she ran. Without thinking, she just kissed him; and this was a finished kiss. Everything else around didn't matter. The people didn't matter. The scenery didn't matter, though it was a beautiful scenery.

After a while, he sat down in one of the chairs. She sat on his lap. This was an intimate moment. This was their intimate moment. He was stronger now. She felt it in the way he held her tight to his body. Pressing kisses into her hair, forehead, skin. They kissed again and contentment washed over them.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?" he asked.

She had no answer. She just looked at him.

So what if they were 2 years older? Had things really changed? Did they really have anything in common? Was this worth it?

So many unanswered questions. That's when she chose to wake up. For the first time ever, she could control when she woke up from a dream. So she chose to wake up with questions left unanswered. The one thing she told herself she would remember from the dream was this: She saw lights.

March Innocence

Let's go back, shall we? Back to a place where innocence still existed. A place where I could stare in awe at the stars in the sky and smile.

When I said hello to February, I did not expect to say goodbye to something, or rather someone I had become so accustomed to. It's tough, saying goodbye.

But I'm going to start March off with a whole new perspective. I would listen to you, but you're not talking. You don't want me it seems. So, I'm starting March Innocence. It doesn't matter this time that I'm running. You're not gonna catch me, I know that now. So don't you dare tell me not to run anymore. I stayed and fought for you. I'm still fighting against all I know is good for me. The difference is, this time I can run as fast and as far away as I want. 

Funny how the tables have turned, huh? I didn't lead you on. You led me on. Good going, peasant.

It is time

It is time to turn over a new leaf. It is time to change my ways. It is time to find God once again. It is time to walk the path He has set out for me. It is time. NOW IS THE TIME. 

Stay with me

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
And I want you to stay

Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh



My new addiction. This song just gets to me. I want you to stay. Please. Stay with me.

A woman in stilettos

"What makes you the woman you are today?"

She walked with confidence through the sea of men who had their eyes trained on her. Her eyes showed no intimidation. Her smile was relaxed. Her walk was strong. Her breathing was labored.

Her brain on the other hand, was another story. For a young, healthy woman such as her, no one would guess that she was more than just a pretty face. She had a history of blood clot removals from her brain. If she trusted you enough, she'd part her hair just enough to show you where the scar ran deep in her skull. But on her usual days, she'd cover it up with her heavy mass of brown locks.

Now she stood in her black stilettos. All eyes were still on her. I don't think anyone in the room would mind if she hadn't spoken, they would just be content with admiring her head-to-toe beauty. But she began to speak...


"I am the woman I am today because I believed in God; because I believed in salvation; because I believed in redemption; because I believed in me."

She... she was a woman in stilettos. So, next time you see a woman in stilettos, don't be too quick to judge. She could just be holding her head up high, like the rest of us women out there. And maybe, just maybe, the stilettos she's wearing gives her the confidence she needs to conquer the world.

Stiletto Tuesday, here I come!;)

Contentment

So, pictures of couples on tumblr don't bother me anymore. Take a wild guess why...

My priorities are straight. I'm on track with all my assignments and homework. My family relationships can't be any better or stronger. I'm trying my best to be a good friend to anyone and everyone who needs me.

I am responsible.
And very, very happy :)



Contentment
: 'acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity.' The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment.

I'm content. I've reached my level of contentment. Now, I just hope it lasts for a long, long time.


In the meantime, you've got to watch this :) This is only the trailer but if you try hard enough, you can find the full film online.

I miss you, mummy. Now more than ever. I was just reminded again how you're constantly watching over me. Thank you. I love you, mummy <3

Hello February

Hello :) January was rough, but it ended well. That means a good start for February :)

"I want you back."

The only lyrics I needed to understand. But slow and steady this time. Very slow and very steady.

All this princess needs is a peasant's kiss.
<3

Mind made up

The desk where you sit inside of a frame made of
Made of, of wood
I keep those chopsticks you had from when you taught abroad
Taught abroad in Japan

I love it all
So much I call
I want you back, back, back
You back

I did not know you as well as my father
Father knew you
Every question you took the time to sit and look it up
Look it up in the encyclopedia

I love it all
So much I call
I want you back, back, back
You back

I love it all
So much I call
I want you back, back, back
You back, yeah

It sounds like we would've had a great deal to say
To say to each other
I bet when I leave my body for the sky the wait
The wait will be worth it

I love it all
So much I call
I want you back, back, back
You back

I love it all
So much I call
I want you back, back, back
You back


Sam says : "You'll never know unless you try. But always remember the fine line. Don't lose yourself. And know your boundaries."

Matt 16:26 - "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?"

Take these things away

I Want Someone To Know
My Favorite Ice Cream
I Want Someone To Laugh
When I Act Like I'm Thirteen
I Need Someone To Stay
'Til I Can Fall Asleep
Make being Awake Like Living In A Dream

And At The End Of Everyday No One Can Take These Things Away
We All Want Love And That's Okay
Maybe There's Someone
'Cause when My Song Has Slipped Away
And The Darkness Swallows The Day
Well another One's Not Very Far Away

So Baby Just Hold
Baby Just Hold On

I Want Somewhere To Go

When It's Too Noisy In My Head
Verbal vertigo I Want To Hear My Voice Instead
I Need Some Way To Lose

This Fear Of Falling Down
'Cause I Can Still Dance

When My Feet Are On The Ground

And At The End Of Everyday No One Can Take These Things Away
We All Want Love And That's Okay
Maybe There's Someone
'Cause when My Song Has Slipped Away
And The Darkness Swallows The Day
Well another One's Not Very Far Away

So Baby Just Hold
Baby Just Hold On

If you could see behind my eyes
Indigo and ivory
Overwhelmed in outer space
Spinning round and round and chasing
Fairy tales and shooting stars
How I wonder where we are
In this life we'll be alright
All we gotta do is hold on tight

And At The End Of Everyday No One Can Take These Things Away
We All Want Love And That's Okay
Maybe There's Someone
'Cause when My Song Has Slipped Away
And The Darkness Swallows The Day
Well another One's Not Very Far Away

So Baby Just Hold
Baby Just Hold On

When My Song Has Slipped Away
And The Darkness Swallows The Day
Another One's Not Very Far Away

So Baby Just Hold

Just Hold On

Hold On

Carrying a princess

"I believe a dude must always be able to carry his girlfriend."

"If you throw yourself at me, I'll know what to do."

"Stop running, princess."

"Miss me, ah?"

"You like me."

"Aren't you gonna kiss me?"


I remembered everything you said to me, peasant. Guess why?

A princess without her tiara

A part of me knows you're worth it, peasant. Please don't make me regret everything I've said and done. Because I meant every word. I meant every kiss. I meant it. My tiara may be falling but who cares? The only princess I wanna be right now is yours. I was only ever your princess.

Remember the times I said, "I'm not a princess"? What I meant was, I'm YOUR princess.

I'd rather be a princess without her tiara than a princess without her peasant. Someday, I hope to be a princess with her peasant prince. But I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. Not only am I a princess, I'm also a dreamer. Don't forget that, peasant.

Unfinished kiss

She walked up to him; and with a kiss, told him everything she felt for him. Things she couldn't express through words alone, but through the sacred meaning of a kiss. She'd been wanting to do this for a while. So much had transpired in the past month. Too many heartbreaking memories, actions and exchanged words. She didn't want to think anymore. She did what she'd been wanting to do. She gave him her one and only first kiss.

"Don't run from me. Just, don't. I know how you feel about me, even if you don't know it yet. Make me this promise. 'No emotional running'. Can you do that for me, princess?"

She shouldn't have agreed. Because she kept that promise. And that promise is coming back to haunt her. Instead of doing her usual run from emotions, she stayed. She fought. She wanted what she wanted. Him. Now she's starting to doubt if he really wants her. So, she kissed him.

To be continued...

Catch me?

Maybe, just maybe, this one's for me.

Question is,
"Do I want to be caught?"

No thinking

I don't want to be your challenge. I don't want to be the girl you're fixated on. It's too much. You say, "No pressure", but there is pressure...ON ME! I may be the one putting weight on my shoulders, but it's all for good reason. You're not only perfect on paper, you're perfect in person too. When you open your mouth, you say all the right things. At least I think you're saying the right things. But to me, they could possibly be all the wrong things.

"What part of 'I'm not ready', don't you understand?"

I'm just tapping into all the negative sides of me right now.

You know I'm a runner. You know I've never been able to commit to anything serious. I've never had to, really. I live my life taking each day as it comes. You just had to stop me in my tracks and make me start my habit or over thinking again. I hate thinking. I hate it!

My brain is so damn frazzled right now... I can't tell what I'm feeling! When you ask, "Do you like me?" I ask my feelings, and they don't have an answer. I am serious. I can't even tell if I like someone right now! It's never been this tough. It's a yes or no question. Simple right? NOT!

UGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

I know you're not forcing me to do anything. But you are forcing me to face a truth I may not want to face yet. No, I DON'T want to face yet. Are you really sure I won't end up just hurting you one day to the point you can't even look at me anymore? Are you 100% sure I'm not just leading you on?

Cause I could very well be leading you on, and I've told you this from the start. You and I really don't have much in common. As it is, you and I see this "thing" we have going in different directions. You say you're the positive one, and I'm the negative one. But there's more to it. Why am I the negative one? Maybe it's cause I know I can't reciprocate whatever feelings you have for me. You say, "That's now, what about later?"

I just...don't want to think about it!!



I think I'm done ranting for the day.

It's worth it

Started my first official college class today:) It was both intimidating and exciting. In the end, all went well. Despite being sick and using up 3 whole packets of tissue, I made it!

"The effort you put in is worth it, I promise you. Just wait and see..."

Still praying hard no really big hardships come my way. I know I can't control God's plan, but I can always pray for his guidance. I'm still 100% sure he won't throw something my way I can't handle. I want to face my challenges headstrong.

I miss you, mum. See where I am now? See what I'm doing? I sure do hope you're proud of me.

I'm laughing, aren't you?

I don't even know who I'm mad at, besides myself that is. I hear screams coming at me from all around. What kind of nightmare is this???? The worst kind, that's what.

"You can't do this, Sam. You're nothing but a waste of flesh and bones."

That is the summary of what I'm hearing.

I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I AM NOT GONNA END MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO APPRECIATE MY EXISTENCE!

One day, I'll be really done with you. With ALL of you!

Blasting these songs of hate is not helping, but it's the only music I can bear hearing at the moment. Is the question "WHY?" even valid?

What did I do to ever hurt you? I gave you all I had. All my blood and sweat. I'll tell you what you gave me. You gave me hell. You put disgusting words into my mouth to make me look like the devil on earth. I put on a mask of an angel for you, your friends, your family. Not good enough for you? Well, I'm sorry. Let me take it all back and be the your worst nightmare. Because you have no idea what I'm capable of.

When I walk out that front door with my suitcase in hand, you'll know exactly what you've lost. Me. That's what you would've lost. I know you won't care now. But just wait and see what happens to your life. The walls around you will crumble and you'll be buried in your incapability to accept someone you raised. Now, isn't that amusing?


I'm laughing, aren't you?