Time to say goodbye

It's not goodbye exactly. It's more like an almost goodbye. The 2013 countdown is soon. It's obvious the world didn't end. It's also obvious that a lot is already starting to change this year, and we haven't even changed the numbers in the year yet. 

Hmmm....

Let me tell you how my December has been since I last blogged. Or rather let me show you.

 I celebrated prom with the people who mean the most to me, my girls :) 

I celebrated Christmas with my family :)

I celebrated my cousin, Erich's farewell :/

Every one of these events were memorable. I thank God I had the opportunity to spend this much quality time with my family and friends. December 2012 is almost over. It is time to say goodbye, in more ways than one. But I think I'm ready to say "I'm ready." I have to be. The year 2013 is coming at me and there's no way to stop it.

So, I will count my blessings. Take life in stride. Stay positive. Serve my purpose the best way I can. There's nothing that can stop this girl ;) and you know it!

In the meantime...

Just take each day as it comes, as if you were turning pages on a storybook entitled "My Life". 

<3

Quoting Dr. Seuss

Till I find my life partner with the level of weirdness that is parallel to mine, I'm gonna enjoy my life :D

Because I agree with you Dr. Seuss. LIFE IS A LITTLE WEIRD O.O

So, SUCK IT people who are trying to ruin me. I'm doing just fine. Better than fine even. Just watch me do my victory dance!

I want to type "THE END".

This can't be. He who says the dumbest things, also manages to say the things that no one could possible know about, unless one was a mind reader. Every time she thinks it's over, he comes up with a piece of her past she thought she had let go of a long time ago. How does he do that?

She never picked him for a fool, but his actions say otherwise. This unusual friendship they keep trying to maintain is never going to work. Especially if he doesn't start using his head. He's not even really using his heart. He's using... A fool's mind. And so the story continues.

Can't he see how fragile she is? How fragile she's been? Why he keeps coming around is still a mystery to her, and to those who stand by her.
"If I were you, I'd ask him to f* off."
"If I were you, I'd ask him to go bother someone else."
"If I were you, I'd slap him in the face."

Then they go on to tell her how good a person she is. Forgiving him like that. What they don't know is, she may or may not have a hidden agenda. She's not even sure herself. How can someone seem so right for you and so wrong for you at the same time?

There is one thing she is clear about:
No matter how much of her mind he reads; No matter how much of what he feels is exactly what she's felt (Heart beating fast and heavy breathing); No matter how much of what he remembers is what she will never forget, she IS over him.

"But I'm not over you. There's just something about you," he says.
Beautiful...Angelic...

That is why she doesn't think this is the end of their storybook. It could just be the end of another chapter. This story is starting to get on her nerves though. And here she thought she was the girl with the roller coaster emotions. Apparently not. So, this annoying story continues. It'll most likely travel into a place of oblivion that no one will ever decipher.

Next Chapter.

Hello December :)

So, it's the 1st of December 2012 :) I don't think I want to remember my last December. Too many mixed feelings, too many complications :S

Okay, this year may be even more complicated. For example: Choosing which college I want to go to, what subjects I want to take for A Levels etc. But emotionally, I'm stable :)

It really is a weight off my shoulders without a crush, a boyfriend and an ex on my mind. I don't think I even try anymore. Someday, somehow, my time will come. I have so much extra time now to do my song-writing, story-writing and song covers.

Admittedly, I still have one more SPM paper O_O Economics! Ughhh.. After the 6th of December, I know I'll feel even better :) Although, I do have 2 more exams after that. Cambridge First Certificate Examination & Trinity Public Speaking. WOW!! That sure is a lot of exams, huh? There's one more test I do need to take...MY DRIVING TEST!! Ok, that's about it. Maybe that's why my December is extra full this year.

In December, I have a couple of MUST DOs that are important. Like my MRI. (I still have no idea what that's gonna be like.) Also, I think I've got a dentist appointment scheduled in there somewhere. And a 4 day Pre College Preparatory English Class.

On a fun note, I have one day put aside for the girls and I to go shopping. (Especially for clutches-*prom*) A movie night with the old band. (Blueberry Cheesecake) A day of work for my aunt. (Santa Paws) A wedding dinner. A couple of Christmas parties. PROM!! :D

The rest of the days are for family and friends, good food and fellowship :)

Ooh! Ooh! I think my family and I are going to put up our Christmas tree tonight! What better day to do it than on the 1st day of the month Jesus was born in right? ;) I'm already feeling all warm and fuzzy inside thinking about Christmas. It seems many people are sticking with the traditional red decorated tree this year. I CAN'T WAIT!!!







So here we are. Back to December. The so called "Favourite month of the year". I just pray everything goes well for me. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. I'm just done with all this nonsense. Boys who can't stay away, hurtful words and actions, arguments and fights that in the end, mean NOTHING. I want a magical Christmas, I want a beautiful December. That's what I'm praying for right now. So, don't try to ruin this month for me, ok? I'll be nice if you promise not to be naughty. Hehe ;)

Dreams by AW

“Wait up!” I chased after the man with a fedora hat.  My voice must have caught his attention because he stopped in his tracks. Unlike most people, he did not turn to scout for the source of the voice. He simply continued gazing into the distance, though I wasn’t sure what he could actually see through the thick mist that hung in the still, chilly air around us.

                “Who are you?” panting, I managed to ask, as I finally caught up with the man. From afar, his tux and black slacks gave the illusion that he was a lot taller than he really was, but closer up, I could tell he was no taller than 5 feet 4. He then turned to face me, an enigmatic smile played on his lips, sending shivers down my spine. His fedora casted a shadow that cascaded down his face, hiding his eyes from my sight.  A little part of me was relieved I couldn’t see them. Who knew what evil they might’ve carried with them.

                “Ah, Miss Anne! Such a pleasure to meet you,” he said as if already expecting my arrival. He extended his right hand, covered with a white glove, totally ignoring my question. I wasn’t one to be rude, so I took his hand and shook it gently, being sure to at the very least offer him a polite smile. There was an air of mystery about this man that I couldn’t quite comprehend. He spoke in a calm manner, yet it wasn’t the type of calm that soothed one’s spirit, it was too calm that it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to stand on its ends.

                “Well, I must be off. I have a train to catch,” he continued, taking a glance at his Rolex watch. He snapped his fingers and suddenly, the ground beneath our feet shook at the rumbling of an on coming train. From the “chug-a-chug-a” sound that it made, it was pretty certain it was powered by a steam engine. As the train pulled up beside us, it let out a “choo choo!” and left puffs of smoke hovering above our heads, adding to the foggy conditions of my strange surroundings.

                “Wait! Sir! I still don’t know your name!” I shouted as he boarded his seemingly magical train.

                “Oh, don’t worry about my name. You’ll find out soon enough. I know for a fact that we’ll be seeing each other a lot more,” he replied and then removed his hat and gave me a wink as the train sped off into the mist. His eyes that were a shade of purple were cool and to an extent discomfiting and somewhat unnerving.  Yet, it had that cheeky twinkle that suited his know-it-all attitude. Then again, he really did know it all.

                “My name is Marx,” he revealed as he took a sip of tea out on the patio, our rendezvous. This was three years after our very first encounter. Surprised that he finally decided to reveal his name after countless days spent together in this foreign land, he piqued my curiosity. “Why have you only decided to tell me now?”

                “Because this is the last we will ever see of each other, Anne. I’m sorry,” his said without a hint of sorrow, his voice still as calm as it has always been.

                “But… why?” I asked as hot tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over with just one blink. “I’ve come to enjoy your frequent visits so much!”

                “My frequent visits or your frequent visits?” Marx shot me one of his enigmatic looks and suddenly, all the puzzle pieces started to fall into place and it became clear. Never once when we met was I able to change the weather or choose our settings and scenery or appear and disappear at will. It was Marx who had the authority to do those things, who always knew what would happened and when they would happen, who could call things into existence with the snap of his fingers and I... I was simply one of those things. I was just a figment of his imagination, a small part of his dreams.

                “Goodbye, Anne,” he said as he dissipated into thin air and for the first time, I could’ve sworn I heard his voice crack as he bid me farewell.  The patio and all the memories it held faded with him and all that was left was an eternity of while, followed by an ominous silence. This is how it all ends…

                “Hi, Miss Anne!” a perky voice startled me, jolting me from my reverie.

                … Or not?

;)

Your Letter by AW

I gingerly open the neatly folded letter. As I do, I often wonder how you manage to fold it with such precision. Was it a lot of practice? Or did you take the time to measure and calculate before folding it? I tried doing the same once and ended up taking a ridiculous amount of time to get it just right. Yet, you make it seem so easy, a piece of cake, how the end of one side of the paper fits in the slot perfectly.

I run my fingers over the words, YOUR words. My touch receptors somewhat manage to delay my sight receptors and for that infinitesimal second before my mind registers what I’m seeing, your handwriting is beautiful. Then as my sense of sight kicks in, a thought surfaces- it’s so ironic how both qualities, impeccably neat and atrociously messy, could be possessed by the same person. Then, a voice at the back of my mind quips,” That’s why he’s so intriguing and you like that about him. It’s the beauty of his complexity and the air of mystery he carries.” At that thought, my lips slide up into a smile.

I read your letter, but my mind doesn’t register the words. As of now, I just don’t recognize any of the words I’m reading. All that clouds my mind are thoughts of you penning down your thought onto this sheet of paper I now hold in my hands. My picture of you is ever-changing, because I don’t know for sure the conditions in which you’re writing this letter. Sometimes, I imagine you on your bed, leaning against your bed post, with a blue pen in hand and the paper on your lap. Other times, you’re sitting on a chair with your chin resting on the palm of one hand and in the other, you’re gripping the pen in the peculiar way that you do, brows furrowed in concentration, being careful to choose the right word, knowing full well that words matter to me.

A part of me wants you to fill in the gaping holes in my picture and yet, the other part wants to keep guessing, keep wondering, keep imagining, to keep constructing until I’ve painted the most magnificent picture of a man composing a letter in the wee hours of the night to his lover while draining the dregs of coffee from his mug.

I read the last 3 words separately, picking them apart from one another to analyse them. ‘I’, the ninth letter of the English alphabet, also a first person singular pronoun, means nothing without a verb to go with it. ‘Love’, a strong feeling of affection towards someone, meaningless if not addressed to anyone in particular. ‘You’, used as the subject of a verb or the object of a verb or preposition, like the other two words, is meaningless on its own. The three words when put together, however, segue so seamlessly into one another. ‘I’ and ‘you’, words so different in meaning, like totally different keys on the piano, with a word like ‘love’ as a transition chord, can flow smoothly from a C to an A flat, or even from a minor to a major. I take a deep breath and let it all sink in, not knowing when I’ll read of those words or hear them again.

With those words now etched deeply in the folded membranes of my cerebrum, I cautiously fold the end of the paper back into the slot, like the way it was before. I store it in my wallet so I always carry a piece of you with me. Cheesy, soppy, cliché, I know, but believe it or not, that’s something, I believe, everyone will experience at least once in their lifetime. Perhaps one day, I wouldn’t need to carry it around with me anymore. To be honest, I’m excited for that day and if you’re on the same wavelength as I am, you’ll share my excitement. 

It's just what it is

"Just keep still and let it take you..."
"But I'm hearing screams. Loud, unbearable screams..."
"It will get better, I promise. I promise.." he whispers again softly.
I almost believe him then. ALMOST...

I will not be taken advantage of, do you hear me? Never! Just go away and stop choking me. I literally feel your hands around my neck, squeezing..killing.. Just leave me alone, you monster!

Step By Wicked Step

You know how I usually post up my English Essays from school? Whether it's from assignments or exams, I usually love posting up my essays. This time, I'm not going to do that. Reason being I wrote about something pretty personal and it's nothing I wanna recall. I have finally put the characters I wrote in that essay in my past. Yes, I use actual people in my life to come up with an interesting story. The names I used in essay were Thomas and Richard. That's all I'm gonna say on that.

Now, I'm going to introduce my Literature essay!:) Teacher said it was the best in class. 14/15 marks. Although I only achieved 85/100 marks in total and once again came in 2nd highest in class, I've learnt to look on the bright side and focus on the one section I did score highest in. LITERATURE.

According to Puan Nurliza (My English Teacher) , I would've gotten full marks if I had added quotes or references into my essay. Though she also told me she wanted to give me full marks but the school wouldn't allow it. Boo :(

Here goes!

Which character do you like most?

Based on the novel 'Step by Wicked Step' by Anne Fine, I have learnt about the lives of all her characters, but the character I like most is Pixie.

Pixie lives a life similar to a Cinderella Story. Her mother and father split up and she goes back and forth between living with her mum and living with her dad. Her dad remarried a woman named Lucy who is now her stepmother. Along with her stepmother are her two stepsisters, Sophie and Hetty Payne.

First of all, I like Pixie because she is strong-willed. Despite having to endure her parents' divorce, she still manages a strong and fiery behaviour in school as mentioned by Mr. Plumley. She also handles her living situations very well. Having to go back and forth between two homes is not a pleasant feeling. I love how she just never gives up on life and deals with the problems fate has dealt her.

I also like Pixie because she is hard-headed. This may seem like a bad quality to many but I think it makes Pixie who she is. Pixie is not afraid to speak her mind when she has to. She stands up for her rights and always tries to win the fight. For example, when Pixie got into a row with her stepmother, Lucy. Her stepsister, Hetty had complained that Pixie was not speaking to her. Because of that, Lucy stepped in and confronted Pixie. Pixie spoke her mind and told Lucy all about how she hated her sleeping arrangements as she was forced to share a room with Hetty. Pixie also told Lucy how she could not stand to play "Happy Families" in a household she was so clearly uncomfortable in. She also voiced out that nobody really bothered to ask her how she felt about everything, not even her own father. In the end, Lucy sympathized with Pixie and they had a mutual understanding over some tears shed. After that, Pixie got her was in which Hetty's mattress was moved back into Sophie's room, so she no longer had to share a room with Hetty. Hetty also stopped calling Pixie "Priscilla" which she so clearly hated.

Another reason I like Pixie is because she has the qualities of tolerance and patience in her. For example, when Hetty was forced on her even though her dad and Lucy had agreed that Pixie would have her own room. I think she handled the situation pretty well. Despite pulling a few tricks on Hetty in the beginning, she slowly warmed up to her. When Hetty was no longer living in Pixie's room, Pixie would still be willing to share her room with her sometimes, especially when telling her stories about Henrietta Forbes.

Pixie is also very considerate. For example, she knew her mother did not like it when she brought her stuff over to her dad's house. Because of that, Pixie never brought any of her stuff over in fear she might hurt her mother's feelings.

I also like Pixie's sense of humour. When she was playing tricks on Hetty to try and get her to leave her alone, she came up with a few creative and humorous ways to do so. For example, telling Hetty that there was a ghost who used to live in their house named Henrietta Forbes and that because Hetty had the same name as her, she may come to haunt them. It was more funny than scary because Hetty did not believe her, instead smiled and asked her to tell more stories about Henrietta Forbes.

Pixie is also a very good reader and I admire that in her. This is proven when she offers to read the story of Richard Clayton Hardwick to the group. They were all taken by her telling of the story so she must have been a good reader.

In my opinion, Pixie has endless likable qualities about her. I feel like I can also personally relate to her as I share some of the same qualities and life experience as her. This is all the reasons why Pixie is the character I like most in this book.

:) THE END.

I'm finally free

Now read these lyrics very carefully...

"Radiation"

Na na na nana na na nah
Na na na nana na na nah

I'll lay it down one time through, gather round
Though this is a chore
So rich with lies, I prefer poor advice
And showed her him the door

This is your goodbye and kiss opportunity
Thought you were burning me down
But I'm finally free and...

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Oh the sun came up
Tell me where'd I park?
We did it again.
We had some fun
Did some things
We got dumb
But I want it to end

Cause I only give in
When I get the need
I'm only coming around
Cause I get to leave and...

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Can't breathe, I can't sleep
Thinking 'bout the best of you and,
Some things I couldn't see
What about the rest of you?
Well, you're under my skin
But I can't let you win
Though you don't see scars
That's exactly what they are baby
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah
Ooooh oh
Baby, baby, baby
You're never gonna hurt me

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Na na nana na nah
Yes I am
Na na nana na nah
I gotta get out
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah
If you miss me
If you miss me, if you miss me
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah...

You're SO done. All the best in life, my 'friend'. You're so fortunate I'm not telling people your name, let alone post up that pathetic 'conversation' we had. If I was the type to swear, I'd most probably have by now. But you're not even worth profanity. Sadly, you didn't even give me the chance to tell you just how much I've moved on. I am most definitely laughing, at least a little bit, behind your back. I'd really prefer it if you hated me instead of trying to crawl back to what you supposedly think was our 'used-to-be'. 

A little tip, do not, I repeat, do NOT look at me in church. Trust me, it will just dig you a deeper grave. Getting lectured is one thing, what happens next is what I hope I never get a chance to witness. There's my last piece of advice for you. I take back my apology and if it wasn't already clear, I don't miss you. 

We're done. 

Remember to dream

It felt like I was in a dream today. Everything fell into place. Despite stressing over an upcoming test, Bible Knowledge nonetheless, I was extremely content, happy even.

Sometimes, I honestly forget to dream. I never forget I'm a dreamer, but I forget to actually dream-happy dreams. I can be awake, asleep, doesn't matter. I just want to spend the rest of my life dreaming. There's this calming feeling in my heart. God is really doing wonders in my life. But why? I definitely don't deserve it. He knows the sins I've committed, especially recently. Still... He makes me want to tear for His grace is so overwhelming.

Papa was smiling today:) Almost throughout the whole day. It was a beautiful sight to see. He actually seemed proud when I brought back my "Murid Sahsiah Tinggi" certificate. When I asked him to listen to me recite versus from the bible for my test, he was patient with me. That was just a moment to treasure.

My classmate/friend, Tan Yi Qian was extremely nice and patient with me today. Helping me go through the Parables of Luke. With all this help, I know that I want to try extra hard on this test. For God most of all, but also because of the people who have so much faith in me.

Receiving the said certificate above brought back some sweet memories. I remembered this boy who wasn't from my school. I mentioned to this boy last year that I was receiving this exact award. When the day came last year for me to receive it, he didn't forget to go out of his way to congratulate me. That small action made my day last year, whether he knew it or not. Sweet memories are to be remembered.

DREAM. Today was definitely a dream. It was a dream come true. I am so happy. I just wish more people knew that. Understood exactly just how I feel. Do you know what I mean?

Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You
Listened to this song while blogging this :) Enjoy!

I'm laughing on the inside

But remember this :

Got that instilled in your brain yet?

Let them in anyway

But they can never really destroy you, can they? God keeps pulling me back up whenever they push me down. So? I'm just gonna keep letting them in.

One day, there'll be someone worthy enough of me to stay. There just has to be. Hoping against all hope that this isn't another one of my idiotic moves. I am not destroyed, but rather restored. God's grace is ever so merciful :)

It'll take more than words and back stabbing to kill me. In the meantime, you won't let them touch me right, mummy? 

This is him

"Are you sure about this?" she whispered silently.
"Trust me. You do trust me, don't you?" he answered. His eyes spoke volumes, and that's all she needed to take her next step.

A leap of faith. A hand to squeeze. Her eyes shut tight. She took a deep breath, and let her first tear slowly roll down her cheek.




A few minutes before...

"I'm here. Use me. C'mon Sam, trust me..."

He was ready to take on this responsibility. To take HER on. He'd been thinking long and hard. He wants to know everything about her. He wants to learn her. He wants to be hers. So he'll hold her until she's all cried out. Until she's shared every nightmare with him, as well as every beautiful dream. He will know everything, and then they will become one.

This is him. This is the man of my dreams. A man who has thoughts like this. A man who can take me on.

Party till the sun goes down!

HAHA! :D Living life to the fullest. My smile is so prominent, people think I'm insane. Stay in, go out. School, tuition, shopping... I truly am happy. It feels like a party every day. 

One day, I'll meet someone. Live happily ever after. Forget entirely about the boy who got to me. He found his way in, but I found him a way out. Bye bye! ;) 

My trial results are... amazingly good!:D I got more As than expected and hopefully did not fail anything. I don't know anything for certain yet, but I will soon enough. *fingers crossed* and praying hard! 

See mummy, he didn't break me. Just like you said! ;)

I keep right to the beat

After all that's happened, every event transpired, I still have hope.

So, the week has ended on a high :) Let's just hope the weekend is just as good. Plus, Monday's a holiday!! :D

Dad and I are on good terms again. I do not wish for another fight anytime soon. I really don't. I know we'll always make it out on the other side though. 

Did you know, I can't help myself from relapses every now and then? Also, I'm really good at feeling 'fine' after a big storm has passed. 

It rained the past 2 days. Not throughout the whole day, but it rained. And it seems like the rain has washed away my feelings of self-pity. I have this sudden urge to jump up and high-5 somebody. I am that happy. I just hope it lasts. 

I've been listening to more happy songs too! Courtesy of one of my favourite dramas -Jane By Design :)

1. Work of Art - Rachel Platten 

2. Take These Things Away - Rachel Platten

3. My Own Drum - Jules Larson

...

"I dance to the beat of my own drum"

Party tomorrow! :D One problem: I don't know what to wear :( This is not a problem I face usually. I always, and I mean ALWAYS know what I'm gonna wear the next day. Whether it's my school uniform, sweats, a mini-dress, or an outfit I put together myself by mixing and matching. Ugh... This is so frustrating. At least I know that I have my own style. Who says we all need to follow every trend there is out there? ;) I feel comfortable wearing what I think is cool. 

I was thinking... I think it's time for another story! I just have to come up with one first :/ Hmmm... First, I need to find the time to sit myself down and just let my imagination run free. Haha:D Don't get me wrong, my mind has been wandering into many uncharted territories that could be turned into stories. Especially every night before I sleep, and every morning when I sit in my transporter's car, wondering about this and that... 

Can't wait for story time! ...with myself? Hehe

Don't worry mummy. I'm happy :) can't you see?

Innocence with a smile :)

Look at this huge grin on my face :D Okay, you can't see it, but it's there ;) Not 2, not 4, but 5 teachers submitted my name as "tokoh murid" of the year! In direct translation, that would mean, (according to google translate) "student leader" of the year. Okay, that doesn't sound right. I think they meant the award more like "exemplary student" of the year.

Ahhhhh! This is when I start believing in myself more. How can so many have faith in me, and I not have faith in myself? I can accomplish things. I can achieve goals. My heart's just gotta be 100% in it ;)
My teachers are making my day. I may not have a perfect family waiting for me at home, but right now, it seems like I have the perfect school life.

I'm in the midst of trials and I've not fallen sick yet. In other words, I'm doing just fine :) A little bit of stress is all. It's nowhere near killing my good moods. I think I actually prefer this trial period than normal schooling days. Well of course I've also been skipping the days of school where I have no exam, but who isn't? :P

I'll let you in on a little secret, although this will most likely seem like I'm arrogant and egoistic, but I'll share it anyway. I think there are more than 5 teachers who submitted "Samantha Koh Siew Cheng" as "tokoh murid" of the year. Haha :D I hope you don't think badly of me because I said so. I just... honestly, am loving my teachers right now :') What would I do without them. When everything is confirmed, I'll gladly share all the reasons why this award means so much to me, as well as all the funny reasons I think I got nominated and how I don't think some of these teachers really should have submitted my name.

*still grinning like an idiot* :D


Like the innocence of a little girl looking to her future with many hopes and expectations. In awe of everything beautiful around her.
"One day, I will marry the man of my dreams. One day. No rush." :)







"This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay.
This moment is perfect, please don't go away."

Put my heart where my head should be

Thought I'd share a happy song :) I have so many reasons to be happy, I really do ;)

My heart beats like it's on fire

And everything is all right

As long as I am inspired

I stitch together my life

From hand-me-downs

And good advice that finally fit me

(good advice that finally fit me)

Wear my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

I found this door to my inside

I flung it open so dreams

Could rush in like the high tide

I learned I'm not an island or a fairytale

'Cause in the end I'm not pretending

Put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the stops and starts

When your life is a work of art

Heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

When your life is a work of art

Because my heart keeps stumblin'

And I keep fumblin'

My life keeps going

And I jump in the ocean 

My heart keeps tumblin'

My heart starts coming

And I think I am finally ready ready ready 

I put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause my dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

Put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

Famous last words

I guess you were already done with me. I guess I'm finally done with you. I just needed to get everything out of my system. I'm sorry to have ever bothered you with my presence in your life. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my existence in this world. I thank God for bringing me into this world! I love my life, honestly.

That doesn't mean I don't get hurt. That doesn't mean I don't have negative thoughts. There's a time for sarcastic play of words, and there's a time to be serious.

"Sometimes when you're in pain, you don't really feel it in the afternoon, rather at night when there are no distractions. No friends to keep that smile on your face, no laughter to drown out your negative thoughts." -A friend.

Something inside me went off. I kept repeating these famous last words: "I miss him."
For 2 days straight, those were the words that slipped past my lips. After talking it out with a couple of trustworthy friends, I made my decision. Some say I took the high road, that I was the mature one. (I'm sure you don't see it that way... Haha) Let's see how you would see this. Some say I was being completely idiotic in taking action based on my feelings.

***

Something inside me shuts off whenever I put myself out there. Even before the dreaded responses. I just... go numb. But the numbness seems to be fading ever so quickly now. I don't, no, I won't let it get to me.

***

My fights with my father seem to be coming ever so frequently nowadays. It's like, one fight starts before the other is over. This is obviously not a good sign. I think even my sister is starting to take sides now. What hurts is, she's taking my side. I love her, but I think he needs her more than I do.

I tucked the little rascal in last night. Sleeping in her room like the big girl she is. I'm so proud of her. She's growing up ever so beautifully :') How am I ever gonna leave her?

***

I don't want to think about that right now. Must not let anything get to me. Nothing too emotional at least. If any of you reading this care for me at all, I ask a favor of you. I have an MRI coming up. It's after SPM, before PROM. I know a lot of my nocturnal seizures are self-induced. I let my emotions get to me, but I'm trying not to anymore. I'm really trying. You really think I wanna be on medication again just so I can get a good night's sleep? My favor is : prayer. The doctor says it's nothing, just a final thorough checkup. The thing is, I look at this like it's a test. Another subject I aim to pass. Because if I do pass, I'm in the clear. I just have to continue to watch my physical health as well as my mental health. But if I don't pass, and there's even the slightest chance my brain isn't as normal as it should be, well then, I don't know what will happen then.

Honestly, I've let too many boy issues affect my mental health in the past. It may have been caused by only one or two boys, but the proof is still there that it they got to me. So, I'm closing the door on this one. I really don't need this. I'm guessing neither do you. We never really fit into each other's lives anyway. I admit, I had fun with you. I still can't find anyone who can keep up the kind of conversations we had. Sarcastic and humorous. I guess it's all over now, isn't it? I really do wish you all the best in life. Don't forget to treasure the little things though ;)

And just like that, I've ended my famous last words for you. 

Dreaming out loud

Her dreams have never been this vivid. A rainy afternoon, a pillow to rest her head on. A deep slumber alongside her 13-year-old sister.

"We've decided to give it a shot, her and I."
Of course he was referring to him and another girl. She's never expressed any romantic feelings towards him anyway. He's like her best friend. The one that has always been by her side. The one who talks to her 6 out of the 7 days a week. He just wasn't "The One". Then why, why oh why did it hurt?

"I think it hurts. I'm not sure."

So, she wasn't sure. She didn't recognize her surroundings and she started running. But guess where she ended up? In the arms of the forbidden. 

"Why are you here?"
"I could ask you the same question." 

The four walls they were surrounded by seemed familiar. Was it her room? But downstairs, where she came from, was this unknown hallway. It was a large scene of expensive furniture, lights and wallpaper. It was also in black and white.

But here and now, it was colored. It was her room, and she wasn't alone. Skipping the gory details, she remembers kissing him. She kissed him, and he couldn't have been more shocked. No one spoke, because speaking was still against the rules of this game they were playing. She felt relief though, and looking into his eyes, she could tell he felt the same. 

A few hours later, her heart starts to burn. Everything seems to be moving a little too fast. I think she came to a realization. Something wasn't right. Actually, nothing was right. 

In black and white...
She's running and she's finally hurting from the betrayal of the best friend who's found happiness in the arms of another girl. She then ends up with the boy she kissed. He has tears in his eyes. Touching her cheeks, she realizes she's crying too. He was sitting opposite his mother. A confession has just been made between mother and son. When he stands up and looks at her, she finally understands why her heart is burning. 

"You're still with her aren't you? You still love her?" She was referring to his girlfriend. The one he's loved for about a year now.
My kiss meant nothing to you... Of course she didn't recite that part, but she was thinking it. 

He looked at her with tears on his cheeks and in his eyes. She knew that he cared for her too. The kiss did mean something to him. But none of them would actually voice that truth out loud. 


Somewhere during this dream, she cried. In reality, she screamed. She whined. The 13-year-old sister as witness to all this. What is she suppose to make of it all? These 2 boys actually exist in her life. Her body is responding in a very physical manner. Weakness, frustration, confusion - all in one. Where will she find the strength to make it through?

Not The Only Dreamer

He was sitting in the corner of the park all alone. With a guitar in his lap, he was plucking the melody to a familiar song.

"That sounds nice," she said.

He looked up at her with such disbelief in his eyes. His wide eyes making him all the more adorable.

"Go on, keep playing."
"You're talking to me..."
"Keep playing," she urged him.

She sat down next to him. He was still staring at her. They were looking into each others' eyes. A second later, he continued playing.

"There's a missing beat inside of me, the rhythm of my heart hits unevenly, there's a missing piece inside of me..."

She only managed to sing that one line when he stopped playing once again and looked at her.

"You swore you'd never speak to me again," he said.
"I'm not. You're dreaming. Now close your eyes and wake up. Because I haven't forgiven you yet."



This is me hoping that I'm not the only dreamer. Think of this as an excerpt from what goes on in my head. I'm letting you in just a little bit. 

The time I spent on you

Here is a list of blog posts dating back from the first one I ever wrote about you to the very latest. I don't think I'm done yet. I don't blame you for hating me, resenting me. Just know that, I did this all for you.

Just A Little Song

Sandra's Thoughts

Over Thinking

I'm Cool

My Walls

Say You Like Me

What Are You Running From

Haunted

Poisoned

Talk Is Good, Not Cheap

In Little Ways

Because I'm Not A Coward

Distance

Just A Little Crazy

I've Relapsed, But I've Not Broken
Not The Only Dreamer
Dreaming Out Loud
Famous Last Words

I've relapsed, but I've not broken

I haven't forgotten anything. I may have deleted you from the face of the earth my phone, unfriended/blocked you from Facebook, erased every conversation I've ever had with you, but I haven't forgotten it. Any of it.

"Damn, I miss you"

I see you watching me. I'm used to it now. *Hah* Funny how I'm "used to" you watching me from a distance. I "expect" to catch your eye whenever we're in the same room together. Difficult, isn't it? Being in this state of mind?

I said goodbye. I can never go back to you, and you can never come back to me. As long as those previous issues still exist, there will never be any sort of relationship between us. You should know this by now. You've heard every reason I could possibly give you. If you really want me, you need to find another way to get to me.

This blog right here is the only way for you to get to me now. I bet you've realized that by now. I'm not gonna stop you from looking at me, because I obviously can't control that. But look, I'm still keeping to my promise of always being honest. I miss you. Is that honest enough for you?

Just a little crazy

Something is definitely wrong with me. I think I may even be a little crazy. Just going through the motions of everyday life. I'm smiling again though. I'm still not sure why I do what I do, why I say what I say. Open a conversation, type something but never hit send. I'm so afraid of accidentally doing so, but the backspace button is still my friend. Told you I was a little insane. I guess everybody around me just has to deal with it. Don't worry, I'll heal, things will be better....I hope. 

It doesn't really matter, because guess what? 

Wherever you will go

So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall

It would fall upon us all

And between the sand and stone

Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe I'll work out

A way to make it back some day

Towards you, to guide you

Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall

It would fall upon us all

Well I hope there's someone out there

Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart

Run away with my hope

Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time

I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go

They will always be one of my greatest obsessions! <3

Tayluer and Elliott 

Time's Up

Yeah... What they said. Weekend, here I come!!

He stays, you go

Here's a different story. A story about a friend I never thought I could ever open up to. But I've come to a point where I kinda need him. We have no romantic chemistry, although I do admit to having a crush on him before. (He's kinda cute k? Or I used to think so. Hehe)

I wish he wasn't going off this weekend of all weekends. Because this is the first week I actually really need to talk to him. I feel bad for complaining about our empty conversations now, though there are still some of those. It doesn't matter. He's my friend. I want him to stay, but I want another to go. 

Funny how my mind works, huh?

Distance

"I'll try to keep my distance."

I'll do more than try. I will avoid you because what reason do I have to acknowledge you? It's not like I ever really knew you. You and your games.

I'm working on a 3rd song for you. Then I realized I never published the lyrics to the 2nd song I wrote you. I actually wrote it as a poem. Here it is:





Deciphering dreams and manipulative words
Thunder and lightning can't drown out the hurt
Losing control in her own little world
The upper hand lost, the past buried in dirt

The innocence of a little girl has been taken away
Look into her eyes and you can see the shame, the pain
He got under her skin and into her mind
Poisoned her until she ran out of time

Remembering moments that should be forgotten
What once was fulfilled has now become nothing
Trying to understand the meaning of joy
Threw away her dignity all for a boy

The haunting is never-ending
He always finds a way
Wherever she goes
He is never far away

The shadows can't hide a broken girl...

You have caused me enough grief. Do you have any idea how hard I cry at night? Do you have any idea what you've done to the inner workings of my mind? My own father thinks I'm acting out and a wall has been built between us. I'm afraid of going to church in dread I may break down when I see your face. Do you know where my mind goes when it comes to you? I think of my mum. That's all I think about. She was watching me, you know? Through all the games we played, she was there. I know I'm at fault too. Don't you think I know that? I really liked you. You got to me, you really got to me. No other guy can say that you know? You had me wrapped around your little finger... Now, I'm standing alone, no longer wrapped around your finger, but my balance is still a little off. I will regain my strength in time to come.

I honestly think you're not done learning. I cannot speak for you but I can tell you what I wish to say. I chose to care for the wrong person. I'm sorry about that. You knew how it was between us in the very beginning. Just think back and remember those moments. See what I saw in you. Don't worry about these tears I've been crying. They're not for you, they're for me. I'm crying for me. I shouldn't, but I am. Just let me go and I'll do the same. I will learn to love you as one of God's creation, but you know that I could have loved you as more. I almost did, and it hurts knowing that. But I didn't. That's the most important part. I'm not in love with you. In fact, I'm done with you.

This song will be my last for you. I won't ignore or avoid you forever. When I find my balance, I will smile. I will always remember you telling me to smile. I don't like that you thought you had a right to tell me that, especially given the situation. Because I know I've got to smile. A real smile. I will. But now, I need distance. From you and only you. I will fix my problems on my own, actually with His help. I really don't need you, and you never needed me, did you?

"And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand"

Because I'm not a coward

There are no words for the kind of hate I feel for you right this second. I believed every word you said. I realize now that I lived by them. You, telling me I was pretty, sweet, kind, loving... I only listened because it was your voice telling me so. I hung on to every word, every breath.

Now I feel like swearing with every breath I take. I can just imagine you asking "Why?" You're famous for that aren't you? Questioning? You questioned every word I said, everything I did. Like you had any right at all to do so! You didn't!

Damn... I'm angry. 

*Takes a deep breath*
From wanting to see you, to hating the very sight of you. So, don't you dare talk to me. Don't even think about approaching me. I'll wear whatever I want to wear. It is of no concern of yours. It never was. Speaking of 'never was', WE were never friends. WE were never anything. There is and never will be a WE.

You're happy. You're in love. Great. I don't need to hear it. I was never jealous, nor did I ever want you to want me. You wanted me out of your own volition. Don't try to lie to yourself about that. There's so many sides to you, and I tried to love at least one of them. "Love your neighbour as you love yourself". I don't know how I'm ever gonna do that. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You deserved none of it. You didn't deserve me, as whatever it is we were.

Lies...
I never lied to you. Wait, scrap that. I did. Remember how I told you I cried countless tears for you? I didn't. Not exactly. They were what I call internal tears. I wanted to just break down, but I didn't. After typing "We're done", I did. But it's not what you think.

I didn't cry because you didn't love me. I didn't cry because you didn't want me. I didn't cry because you didn't like me. Although all of the above could be up for negotiation. I cried because I was naive. I cried because I let my dignity fly out the window for you. I cried because, rather than let my brain do the talking, I let my heart win, not all the time, but sometimes. Last but not least, I cried because I realize now that if my family and friends were to know who I really was, the girl who got herself into this mess, I'd break their heart. And for that, my heart broke. I broke.

But I am stronger than you think. I will not let you touch me. I will not let you near me. I will not let you manipulate me anymore. I don't care who reads this. I don't care if you read this and feel whatever it is you cheaters feel. This is my blog. This is my right.

PS, I want you out of my life. PERMANENTLY.

Nothing

"I wanted words but all I heard was nothing."

I am a 26 year old woman and my husband is mute. He hears me, but he doesn't speak. He wasn't always like this. Not when we first met, not when we first confessed our love for each other, and definitely not on our wedding day. This is our story.

"You have to stop answering back to your parents like that! What if God decided to take away your ability to speak because of your lack of respect for your parents?"

I remember saying those exact words to John. I didn't know then how much those words would come back and haunt me. John and I had a pretty ordinary relationship. Our love story isn't some extravagant fairytale, but a normal one. We met through mutual friends, found that we had chemistry and proceeded to being a couple. It didn't take us long to fall in love. We were only 17 years old.

No one really thought we'd last, but our close friends did. They could see by the way we were together.   John and I made a decision early on that we were going to further our studies locally. After graduating high school, that's exactly what we did. He got his degree in Mass Communication and I got my degree in Teaching. 6 months after graduating college, we were engaged.

"I vow to love your every flaw, your every imperfection and all your bad habits. It won't be hard because there is nothing about you I can't love. Nothing." That was John's vow to me. I called it the "nothing vow". When people heard this, they never understood. It was an inside joke for just the both of us, and he stayed true to those words.

Our marriage was not a happily ever after one. We had our fights and disagreements, but it never took us long to get pass them. It was all about give and take for us. The one fight that did get me worried was a fight to remember. I was pregnant. The day I chose to tell John, was the day he got cut from work. It was all very bad timing. His ego got the best of him because instead of feeling any joy, he broke down in anger. At the time, his immediate response was to feel shame that he could no longer provide for the family.

"Everything will be fine. I'm only 3 months into the pregnancy and you will find another job by the time the baby arrives," I said, trying my best to comfort John, but he wouldn't relent. He continued pacing the floor, clearly still angry at.... I wasn't sure who he was angry at actually. His boss? Himself? Me? His worries were valid though. Life would be tougher with him unemployed. We were supporting ourselves with no help from either one of our parents. I worked as a Primary School teacher, it doesn't exactly pay much but it's what I love to do. I was silently praying that John would come around soon, and sure enough, God answered my prayer. John came to me then, put one arm around me and I could tell he had calmed down immensely. He put one hand on my belly and used the other to cup my face. Turning me to face him, I looked deep into his light brown eyes while he said nothing. This behavior of his wasn't uncanny. He did this to remind me of our "nothing vow". His eyes told me he loved me, he never had to say anything else.

"I'm going back to the office to pack up my stuff. I'll be back in time for dinner. Love you both," he stared at me and then my belly. Ten minutes later, I got a call from the hospital. The first words out of the nurses's mouth were, "I'm sorry mam, but your husband has been in a car accident. Please..." I hung up after that, got into my car and drove as fast as I could to the local hospital where they would've no doubt taken him. Everything was a blur after I arrived at the hospital. I remember talking to some doctor. I remember sleeping 90% of the time in the waiting room, not able to bring myself to go home. By the time the doctor came out with news about John, I was wide awake.

"Your husband suffered a severe head injury to the Broca's area of his brain. This would affect his speech, and there's no guarantee he will ever speak again."

I'm pretty sure the doctor had said more words, trying to comfort me and so on, but I didn't register any of them. All I could do was think back to John's voice then. That beautiful tone of voice that had become a little piece of heaven to me. The voice that sometimes sang to me and would've no doubt sang to our baby. The voice that said these words to me on my wedding day, "There is nothing about you I can't love".

Aphasia. That's the so called inability my husband has. The doctors told me that I'm lucky he still has his ability to read and write, some patients with Aphasia don't. I did not feel lucky. I felt numb.

Today, I stand by my husband's side, always doing all the talking. He just nods and shakes his head now. I hear nothing come out from his mouth. Absolutely nothing. I catch myself watching him sleep in the middle of the night, willing him to wake up and say something to me, anything, but all I hear is nothing. He no longer recites our "nothing vow" to me. I get frustrated sometimes and take my anger out on everyone around me. I know it's not his fault he no longer speaks. For all I know, God planned it this way. I think we both took the opportunity to strengthen our faith after this experience. It was necessary. There is still one moment John and I still share that the accident couldn't take away from us. The moment John puts his hand on my now 8 month pregnant belly and holds my face in his hand. When he looks deep into my eyes and says nothing. Right then is when I know he loves me. He's telling me he loves and our baby boy his beautiful eyes. Nothing more is needed.