Distance

"I'll try to keep my distance."

I'll do more than try. I will avoid you because what reason do I have to acknowledge you? It's not like I ever really knew you. You and your games.

I'm working on a 3rd song for you. Then I realized I never published the lyrics to the 2nd song I wrote you. I actually wrote it as a poem. Here it is:





Deciphering dreams and manipulative words
Thunder and lightning can't drown out the hurt
Losing control in her own little world
The upper hand lost, the past buried in dirt

The innocence of a little girl has been taken away
Look into her eyes and you can see the shame, the pain
He got under her skin and into her mind
Poisoned her until she ran out of time

Remembering moments that should be forgotten
What once was fulfilled has now become nothing
Trying to understand the meaning of joy
Threw away her dignity all for a boy

The haunting is never-ending
He always finds a way
Wherever she goes
He is never far away

The shadows can't hide a broken girl...

You have caused me enough grief. Do you have any idea how hard I cry at night? Do you have any idea what you've done to the inner workings of my mind? My own father thinks I'm acting out and a wall has been built between us. I'm afraid of going to church in dread I may break down when I see your face. Do you know where my mind goes when it comes to you? I think of my mum. That's all I think about. She was watching me, you know? Through all the games we played, she was there. I know I'm at fault too. Don't you think I know that? I really liked you. You got to me, you really got to me. No other guy can say that you know? You had me wrapped around your little finger... Now, I'm standing alone, no longer wrapped around your finger, but my balance is still a little off. I will regain my strength in time to come.

I honestly think you're not done learning. I cannot speak for you but I can tell you what I wish to say. I chose to care for the wrong person. I'm sorry about that. You knew how it was between us in the very beginning. Just think back and remember those moments. See what I saw in you. Don't worry about these tears I've been crying. They're not for you, they're for me. I'm crying for me. I shouldn't, but I am. Just let me go and I'll do the same. I will learn to love you as one of God's creation, but you know that I could have loved you as more. I almost did, and it hurts knowing that. But I didn't. That's the most important part. I'm not in love with you. In fact, I'm done with you.

This song will be my last for you. I won't ignore or avoid you forever. When I find my balance, I will smile. I will always remember you telling me to smile. I don't like that you thought you had a right to tell me that, especially given the situation. Because I know I've got to smile. A real smile. I will. But now, I need distance. From you and only you. I will fix my problems on my own, actually with His help. I really don't need you, and you never needed me, did you?

"And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand"