I'm hearing everything you're not saying

I'm not dumb. I know when something's being hidden from me. Some emotion especially. I also know when someone's frustrated at me and doesn't want to show it. You don't know me well enough yet, but apologizing and taking the blame is what I do best. I should really be getting on your nerves by now. Nope, not another apology here. To try and face the immature behavior of this earth is beyond my comprehension.

As I say this, not everything is on my shoulders. There are other people suffering because of the inconsideration of others. I am thinking about the well-being of these people, which includes just about everyone, because I am learning to love these new brothers and sisters in Christ I'm getting to know. They deserve better, don't you think?

I stepped up and did my best. I was hoping you'd be my partner and do the same. So now, I'm stuck with my own thoughts. I'm hearing everything you're not saying because that's just how my brain works. Yeah, I over-think stuff, but that's only because I care.

I will not let my frustration get the better of me. Maybe you will, but I won't. I stepped up. Now, I'm going to try and be the bigger person. Anyway, I should let you in on a little secret. I'm not carrying all this weight on my own. Guess who's helping me? My God. My most gracious and awesome God. If you won't help me, He will. He always has been. I pray you will come around soon, cause guess what? We still have a lot on our plates and we most likely have to do it together.

Ps, I can sometimes read minds too. Just remember, I hear EVERYTHING you're not saying;)

Not just another prayer

Rushing her little sister to the clinic, the only thing on her mind was "Please Lord, let her be alright. Take away dad's anxiety. Calm us all." 

It was 3.30am. The unexpected happened when there was a knock on her bedroom door. First she thought she was in trouble for not being asleep yet at 3 in the morning. She just got too caught up in reading her latest storybook. She expected to see her father outside her door but when she opened her door, what she saw was her sister and her father. The little girl had tears in her eyes and her father got straight to the point where he was taking her to the nearest 24-hour clinic. She put her hand on her sister's forehead. Her skin was burning hot. She could only imagine the pain her sister felt in that moment. Her sister looked straight into her eyes and whispered, "Come with me." She could see the fear and the eyes that begged her again to follow her. "I'm following you," she told her father immediately. She didn't have to think twice. "No, you stay home and get some rest. You're still recovering yourself," her father had said. But she ignored his words and got dressed. 

"Lord, please let my sister be alright. Let this just be a mild fever, nothing more. Grant this family peace." She thought of her father then. He was a single dad, raising two daughters, both of which were now sick. "And Lord, take away his anxieties. I'll help in any way I can. I'm a big girl now. He needs me. She needs me. He can't do this alone, and he won't. You're here with us, I just know it. Now, keep us safe. Keep us all safe."

No matter how small you see the situation to be, to me, every prayer answered is a miracle. No prayer is bigger or more important. There are one sentence prayers, there can also be prayers with a mouthful of words. But if you don't mean the words that you say, how do you expect God to take your prayer seriously? 

At times like these, I know that God is with me. When I'm focused on my words to Him, he hears me. I know that my dad and sister are praying with me. I'm almost 100% well now. Just need to get my original voice back, if that's even possible. Some people say that when you lose your voice, every time you recover, it's a little different from the original. To me, that's sounds kinda awesome. I lose my voice ever so often, and every time I get it back, I can still sing. So, does that mean that I have a different singing voice every time I lose my voice? That's just cool. But that's beside the point. My sister is still in the healing process. Yes, the whole family caught up on much needed sleep today and tomorrow, we're just gonna spend as much time together as possible. As a family.

Remember, every prayer is important. When you speak to God, it is not just another prayer. It matters, to Him:)

Long week

I'm back peeps! And feeling better than ever! Spiritually that is. Physically, I'm sick! But God is slowly answering my prayers cause I feel the energy in me starting to rise. It was amazing! NSCFL was simply the best. No regrets, I loved everything and everyone. Now, I miss everything and everyone:(

I can't tell you exactly what I experienced, you had to be there yourselves. But I will post some pictures I've stolen from facebook, introduce you to some great people I met. Gahhh!!! I must see them again. I was sick since the 3rd day of camp or so, so I didn't take many pictures with my new found friends, but trust me when I say I love my gospel partners with all my heart and I can't wait to see them again.

The follow-up from camp is serious. I feel more focused now. I realize that I can talk to God without getting distracted. Which is amazing. My prayers feel more focused and I smile because I know He is listening. I can feel Him in me. It's truly wonderful:)

Today was also my dad's birthday. FRANKIE MAH KOK WENG!! You are 61-years-old! No denying it, no running from it. My sister and I paid for lunch & dinner today. It was over RM100 each. Can you believe that? You deserve it la, Papa! Hehe. Thanks so much for raising us, and I hope that you had a great birthday. I'm trying my best to help out with the house work, and here's another bomb for those of you who know me. I'm dropping accounts.

I decided at camp. Before camp, I prayed for an answer from God, and I can't exactly explain it but I got my answer. No, I am not taking the easy way out. For those out there with judgements, and your own views, keep them to yourselves. I made up my mind. 9 subjects it is for me for SPM. I hope I can still be the class monitor and I know with God by my side, there is nothing I can't do. So Yay!! hehe:)

 My peeps;)

 I just love this:)

 I got Yi Qian to take a picture with me:)

 Ahhhh!!! Julian Yon. Isn't he cute? Just to be clear, he's the one in the middle. The other guy is Darren Kok, a new-old found friend:)

 My group joint with Andrew's for this team building project. Heh, not bad huh?

 Andrew and Manda!! Thank you both for taking care of me especially when I was sick.

 Ian Ho. Tze Kwang's childhood friend. A friend like I've never had before. Now, stop with the HOT ex and muscle talk.

 My girls. Camp wouldn't have been the same without each of those girls in the picture:)

 Tze Kwang. You stole my idea, but I forgive you. 

 James Lim. It was awesome worshiping with you la. Must do it again next year;)

Joshua Lim. Why are you so understanding?;) Thanks for praying for me. I'm so glad I got to know you better. Better keep in touch;)

 This was taken just before camp. Awkward turtle? No more. Friends and partners in the gospel. That's what we all are now:)

I'll be back. I'll be praying

I will be gone next week for NSCFL Camp. So, this blog right here won't be updated till I get back. Which will be towards the end of next week. I have plans throughout November and half my December calendar is full already. Wow, busy, busy Sam! I can do this.

Been talking to God a lot lately, now more than ever actually and I can really feel his presence sometimes. I feel the serenity he gives me and I'm always listening for His voice, His guidance. No one else's. Aren't we all blessed to have a God like Him? We really should counting our blessings. It took me a while but I'm here, and I surrender everything to Him. Whatever it is, no many how many tears, He's with me. Sometimes, I can almost hear His voice. I pray and I pray. And that's all I do. I pray. And I'll be praying throughout my journey on earth and my journey with Him.

I will miss blogging, but I'll be back;) See you readers then!
Lots of love, your aspiring writer, Sam:)

I know you've been reading

Haha, this is the randomest post yet but as some of you know, I'm sometimes a bit desperate to know if I have any readers out there and the LIVE TRAFFIC FEED helps me see just how many people have visited my blog in how many hours. I really like that app;) Anyway, recently, I've been checking my blog as usual, and I noticed that someone from Saint Louis, Missouri has been reading my blog quite often. I just wanted to say thanks. I know this may sound weird, but it makes me happy knowing I have readers from other countries. Hahah:) Sometimes, I can guess when a relative or a close friend has visited my blog, but I am almost 100% certain that I know no one from Missouri. So, from a teenager in Selangor, Malaysia, I just wanted to thank you. Again. Whoever you are. For making my day:)

Ring Ring

I didn't know what to expect on this extra meeting, but it turned out better than I could've asked for. The competition was a bit stiff, but I think we won;) Who knew calling homes and short listing them could be so much fun? It does benefit to help others. Or at least, go through the process of it. One step at a time. I found out that I'm pretty good at conversing with adults. I have people skills, YEAH! hehe:) My partner in crime in charity was a little too competitive I must say. But if it weren't for the fake fights and egos, it wouldn't have been as much fun. From forcing each other to take over the phone to making fake calls to throw off the competition to inside jokes. By the way, our phone secret is out! (press number 3 first please...) 

I think I can do this. I felt like I belonged just a little bit more in just a few hours. Thanks Linda:) I guess I do have to make a bigger effort to break out of my shell. And trust that I won't be judged by others on who I really am on the inside. E.I.P, here I come!

Full Speed Ahead

She keeps going. There's no reason to stop, is there? Her life is full speed ahead. Everything in her near future looks like it's all planned out. She doesn't have time for 'unexpected' in her life. So, don't come strutting into her life all of a sudden. Not now, not when everything seems put together.

But everything's not put together is it? There's still missing pieces in this story. In every chapter of her story. She can't deny God's plan either. Besides, it was God's plan that brought her this far. He helped her achieve all her dreams, and there is definitely more to come. So, how can she say no to 'unexpected'? She can't. She won't.

In her mind, she's strong enough to make her own choices. But ultimately, it's not her choice to make. Then she thinks again. "I'm strong enough to know what's bad for me," but then she realizes making mistakes is inevitable. *Sighs* Deep down, she knows she can never deny anyone a chance. Whether it's another chance at friendship, another chance at forgiveness, another chance at love. She knows she's naive, she doesn't need people to tell her so.

She tries and tries. Never giving up. And now? She keeps an open mind, she leaves her heart open. Possibilities. There are so many possibilities. She understands and she's starting to believe. She never denied her faith in God, but in people? "Love your brothers and sisters as I have loved you," and that's exactly what she's going to do. Here's a lesson that she learnt: When you're driving on the road, even when life is going at a speed of 100 miles per hour, you will come across a stop sign or two and have to think twice before you start driving again. So please, hit your break pedals, slow down and stop. Take a chance. She did. And the 'unexpected' really doesn't scare her anymore. Life isn't always full speed ahead.

Amazing

My mother had a beautiful voice. She was the reason I wanted to learn how to sing, not knowing I started singing since I was 3. I got frustrated when I couldn't reach all the high notes she was reaching, but she never asked me to stop singing. Now, I only want to sing for her. She gave me a part of her, and this is just one of the many things she's given me. I will never stop singing, I will never forget her voice. I don't have to be excellent, I just have to sing out of love. This gift I've been given by God and my mother, I will cherish.

It doesn't matter what she looked like after the cancer got to her, I looked and her and saw my mother. My beautiful mother. Now, I look at her pictures and remember nothing but beauty. I miss her, but I will smile, because she told me to. When the cancer forbade her to smile, I'd smile on her behalf. I can promise you this though, when she could smile, it was the brightest and most genuine smile in the world. To me, at least.

Family. My mother treasured family the most. It doesn't matter that my sister and I share different fathers, we share the same mother. Her heart is beautiful, always loving the 2 of us unconditionally. She always told me, "The love you don't feel from your father, I will love you enough for the both of us." She knew me inside and out. I couldn't hide anything from her. She even knew who my boyfriend was in Form 2 before I even told her. We even had the same taste in clothes.

My beautiful sister takes after my mother in many ways. She will love you unconditionally. Her heart is as pure as gold. When I was younger and fell sick, my mother would stop at nothing to see me well again. Now that I'm older, I want to do the same for my sister. But instead, she takes care of me whenever I'm sick. Tucking me into bed, checking my temperature, keeping me warm with blankets. I really couldn't ask for anything more.

A loving wife she was. She saw the beauty in everyone around her. My own father may have taken her for granted, but she never left his side. She forgave him for the past and so have I. I'm still learning from her, even now. My father now never left her side. She loved him and he loved her. It was beautiful to watch. I thank God for him in our lives. As long as he loved her, it was enough for me. No matter how much his words may have hurt me sometimes, I would've never run away knowing this was the family I was running away from. So, I never was that teenager, I stuck around. And I'm glad I did. I hope I find a man that loves me like my father loved my mother one day. Whatever happens, I know my mother will never let me marry the wrong man. She will be watching over me as usual.

Family and friends say we look alike. I pray to God that's true. Nothing will make me happier than knowing so. She's the most beautiful woman I know.  Even a little resemblance will make my day. Strangers that passed us said that my sister looked like my father, while I looked like my mother. Of course these strangers don't know about the 2-father situation, but I always took it as a huge compliment. I'm my mother's daughter. Nothing else.


I miss my mother, it's as simple as that. People often ask me how I live without a mother at this age. Well, I'll tell you my secret. I live with her in my heart. I talk to her when no one's looking, the same way I talk to God. I constantly picture her in my mind, knowing she's watching over me, because that's what she told me. Her beauty lives on in all of our hearts. Even those who didn't know her. I will tell her story to everyone I know, promise. Nothing is more magical and heartbreaking at the same time. She was my mother. She is my mother. The only mother I will ever have, and I'm forever grateful:)
I love you, mommy:) I see you in my dreams and I wake up feeling like those hugs were real. Hug me again, hold me again. Please...

You don't have to learn me

I never asked much from you. All I asked was to let me love my sister. Let me be with her. Maybe asking you to also let me love you was too much to ask.

Hi, my name's Samantha and I've cried all my life. I admit, I am sensitive. I also admit, I am stubborn. I was that child, holding on to her mommmy's hand, her grip so tight, you knew you couldn't separate the two if you tried. Only God could. And that's what He did. It was His plan. I believe in His plan. I also believed that you could love me.

You can't say I didn't try. You know you'd just be lying. I'm far from perfect. I'm broken into a million pieces, and just when I'm able to put some pieces back together, you break me just a little. Can't you see these tears are because of you? Sometimes, they are for you. Just look at me, really look at me. Listen...

I'll push myself to the limit. There are no boundaries when it comes to serving God. His plan is working, can't you see that? He brought us together, but your doubts of me are getting in the way. Let me in, let Him in, please... How many more years do I have to beg? We get along, don't we? In a short period of time, I have a choice to go, pursue my dreams, go wherever God leads me, wherever He's taking me. You know I've already made the decision to stay. Hoping that will be the plan the Lord has for me. No, I'm not giving up, I'm not throwing away my education, I'm just taking the road less traveled. I don't have to be the best, I just have to try my best. Isn't that what mommy always said? Or did you forget that too?

I am not mad. I'm just very disappointed.... in myself. I think I may have failed you. Failed to prove to you the love I can give, the things I can do to provide for this family. I pray every night for patience, and to love like He loves. I always wonder how He does it. But then I remember another person I know that managed to have equal amount of patience and love, especially toward you, my mother. She loved you. She still loves you. She watches over you, over us. All of us. The things that she's done, I can't imagine living up to that. But I don't have to. It isn't what she would've wanted.

I'm allowed to make my own mistakes. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to cry once in a while. I'm allowed to love everyone, no matter how difficult. I'm allowed to try. My Father above loves me, that's more than enough, but all my life, I've seeked your approval. Weird, isn't it?  You seem to want me gone, my sister never wants me to leave, and me? I'm not even close to letting go.

Learning. All I said, was that no matter how many years we live, we will never be able to learn everything about this world. But it doesn't matter. When we meet God, all that doesn't matter. Did you hear a word I said? Maybe my sobs were drowning out my voice. A voice I thought you knew since I was a mere toddler. I sang then, and I sing now. That voice is still the same. I just grew up a little, that's all. I'm still singing my song. My song that entitles you to listen, everyone is welcomed to listen. But you said you will never learn me. Where those words came from, I will never know. You will never tell me, and I will never ask. The only thing I can do, is give you a way out. I've always given you a way out.
"You don't have to learn me..."
That's when it stops. Silence washes over us once again. I know we'll go back to normal soon, we always do. But I will always remember these moments. I've never forgotten a single exchanged word of these moments. When you break me just a little bit more, giving me more pieces to put back together. Hopefully, I have enough years in this life to finish my life's puzzle. If not, I know I'll be alright. I might even be happier, letting God put me back together instead. Seeing my mother, letting her hold me. No more pain, no more sorrow. Just love, in the most beautiful place of all. Heaven.

Just to let you know, I've never had this. I always wanted it, I pushed for it, I pretended I had it, but I never did. The hand I hold now, is my Father's, the one in heaven. And in my heart, I have my mother. Always.

I'm taking care of you

I feel so light. Going through the motions of my everyday life. It's a blessing, the life I have. It's beautiful. It's magical. It's a little overrated.

I'm supposedly a good listener. I listen. Period. I care, definitely. It's not like they don't give me a chance to talk, I just don't have anything related to talk about. I crave for a chance to share my stories, my experience. Truth is, I don't really have any. I'm not qualified to advise them. But they trust me, and in return, I'll trust them.

I was so tempted. To just send a message and give him a chance. Just about any suitable him. But I stopped my restless heart, don't worry. I'm just gonna stick to my storybooks and fairy tales. They make me happy:) So, here's one more story for you.

***

"This is no longer amusing," Chelsea said a little too loudly. Cameron was late again. 

Her blood was boiling. She couldn't stand it anymore. Why couldn't he see it? She needed him to grow up. Just grow up! She always asked herself the same questions, why she had to be the strong one, why she had to be the one to grow up before her time, why she'd been put in this position.

"Hey..." he touched her shoulders and gave her his usual irresistible smile.

"Don't!" she shoved him away and the tears in her eyes started streaming down her cheeks. She was always vulnerable when it came to Cameron. It took her great effort to push him away instead of hold on to him. She had always held on. No more...

"Chelsea... I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Don't push me away now, not now. I need you."
It was the pinnacle of their relationship, and for him to toy with her affections like this...

"Everybody needs something. I can't take care of you anymore. You're supposed to be my equal, my other half. Did it ever occur to you that I might need something?"

Cameron took in as deep of a breath as he could. He suddenly appeared older to her. He had a look of wisdom and knowledge on his face. The most incredible thing was, he looked like he understood. 

"I want to take care of you Chelsea, but you never let me," he said with a calm voice.

Chelsea let his words process in her head for a few seconds before adding, "We're so different. I want to give you up, but I never can. And for some strange reason, you keep coming around. I need you present all the time, not just sometimes, but all the time. You can't be childish one moment and man-up the next."

He took a few steps forward and closed all distance between them. He held on tight just in case she resisted his hold, but she didn't. He kissed the top of her head and whispered in her hair, "You know how I can prove to you I love you and will never leave you, ever?"

She pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked up into his sparkling blue eyes.

He slowly peeled her away from his body by holding her by her arms. As soon as he was certain she was stable enough to stand on her own, he let go of her and a second later, he had one knee on the ground.

Chelsea was going to say something but Cameron knew her too well. Before she could say a word, he said, "Listen, and don't say a word till I'm finished. You feel like you've taken care of me our whole relationship, but the truth is, I've been taking care of you. You need to take care of someone. You can't deny that. No matter how many times you push me away, I'll keep coming back. When you're not looking, I'm nearby watching over you. Making sure you're safe. Because you are the love of my life. As crazy and uptight as you are, I fell for you the first day you agreed to have coffee with me, even if it was a sympathy date. I managed to charm you like I knew I would and then never gave you a chance to let go."

Chelsea giggled a little then.

"I am not a child. I'm responsible and you know that. And right now, the only thing I want to be responsible for is putting this ring on your finger and making you my wife. I will make sure you are taken care of all your life, I mean, our life together. I promise to even bare with your sudden temper flares. I have dreamt of you all my life, and being able to be with you is a dream come true. Ps, if you don't say yes, I'm gonna be forced to be just a little childish and whine until I get what I want." He smiled at her genuinely and there was no trace of the man she once thought she couldn't trust. He was in her life for all eternity. He was in her heart forever. 

"I want you to take care of me, especially when I'm old and gray. So, I say yes, also because I can't bear to hear you whine about what you want over and over again," Chelsea said with an almost composed smile.

"All I want is you. Only you. Always you."

AW returns

Hehehehe:) AW has another story to share and I can't wait to hear your comments. I, personally love the story line and am in aw of the way she writes. I know from reading her essays, that I still have a lot to learn. So, please do enjoy:)

The Happiest Day Of My Life

To most people, the happiest day of their lives is the day they tied the knot with their soul mate, or even the birth of their first born, the day they felt alive. I, however am the total antithesis. The happiest day of my life... was the day I died.

It was the night of Christmas eve. The weather was frigid. I had decided to take a drive back to my hometown. This would be the first time in a long time travelling back to that place, filled with poignant memories. As I drove down the familiar musky street, I couldn't help but take a trip down memory lane. Everything about that street seemed to play a significant part in my life at one point or another. I turned my gaze towards a sycamore tree on my right as traffic came to a halt. To most, it was only a tree, but to me, it conjured up a million seemingly insignificant yet profound thoughts...

"Molly, get down from that tree!" my mother called out to me, her tone threatening me. In an act of pure defiance, I pulled myself up onto the next branch. I heard a twig snap below me, but it did not deter me from wanting to reach the top.

"I'm going to count to ten and if you don't get down from that tree, you're not getting dinner!" my mother threatened. Her body was rigid with anger, her eyes on fire. I wish I had known better than to disobey her because the branch I was standing on had suddenly snapped. Too fear stricken to scream, I held my breath, already preparing the arrival of my death. My cheeks were hollowed out with fear and my eyes brimmed with dread.

I was caught off guard when I suddenly felt what seemed like a pair of hands instead of hard, cold concrete. I peeled open one of my eyes, still too afraid to face reality. As I slowly turned my gaze upwards, I realized there could have only been one person who would've caught me in time. True enough, it was my mother.

Hot tears streamed down my pale cheeks and onto her floral T-shirt. I threw my arms around her, not wanting to ever relinquish my grip on her. I think I was getting a little too heavy for her to cradle me in her arms at that age, because the next thing I knew, she gingerly sat down with her back propped up against the      tree. She planted a gentle kiss on my forehead as she brushed away the strands of brown locks from my cheek.

We spent the next few moments in silence as I ensconced myself  in her arms and rested my head upon her shoulder as she stroked my hair. Streaks of vermilion mixed with tinges of burnt auburn and yellow orchre created a shimmering rainbow reflected in the pond across where we were sitting. How I would give anything to relive those moments, anything to just be in my mother's arms once more.

My father was an alcoholic. He would return home late in the night and sometimes, he wouldn't come home at all. Most of the time, I would will for him to not come home. There were times when I just wished he was dead. The nights when he was home were the worst. I would be too devastated and frightened to even take a step out of my room. It was always the same. Dad would yell at mom the minute he stepped into the house. From the way he slurred his words, I knew he was drunk. I also knew he had been drinking when the stench of alcohol hitched a ride on his clothes and entangled itself on his hair and skin and followed him home. Then, I would hear a cacophony of noises, mostly the breaking of glass. I swear I could hear it shatter into pieces as he hit my mom with an empty beer bottle, raining blow after blow on her till she was scarred till the bone.

One day, after I came home from school, I saw a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, and right next to that blotch of fresh, red blood was my mother. I knelt in that pool of blood calling her, screaming for her to wake up. But she never did. Now, thinking back, I think it was a good thing she passed away that day. She didn't have to suffer any longer. She was safe, perhaps in heaven.

I was pulled from my memory by a honk from the car behind. I jolted up in shock and immediately hit the accelerator. I must have hit it too hard because the next thing I knew, my car skidded across the thin layer of ice. Frantically, I tried to stop the car, I tried to get out, but I couldn't. My whole life flashed before my eyes as my car crashed into the sycamore tree. For a moment, everything was a blur, and then it was white...

I felt those same hands, embracing me. Was this really happening? I looked up, with that same fear stricken look on my face. Yes, indeed this was the happiest day of my life.
"Mom?"

Satisfied

So, guess what? I received all my exam results already. Every one. Well, except for PJPK of course. Everyone's still uncertain if that subject is actually included in our percentage... I'm fairly satisfied with most of my results and as usual, I'm not afraid to show it. (My blog also gives me a place to write down all my results before I forget them, and before I lose the numerous number of papers I've written them down on.)

My percentage? 66.44%
Now, lets look at how good/bad my results are:

Bahasa Melayu  60%      B
English              79%     A-
History              60%     B
Modern Maths   88%     A
Add Maths        65%     B+
Science             67%     B+
Moral                75%     A-
Accounts          46%      D
Economics        58%     C+  


Placing in class : 4/31


This proves what an average student I am, doesn't it? I told you so!! Especially those out there who judged me by my looks. I hate it when they say "I thought you were smarter than this..." I've learned to shrug my shoulders and be happy with what I can achieve. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you:P

The only subject I'm not really satisfied with this term would have to be my English paper. Like I said in a previous post, I wasn't feeling very well during the paper. Maybe that was a small excuse, I definitely could have done better. I know it's still an A-, but I've never gotten lower than an 80%. Form 4 really is tough. I won't let this happen again!! The marking scheme really was strict. Oh my my....

I just fear that I've let my mum down in some small way. She always expected more of me, but never pushed me. Always telling me I'd done my best even though I knew I hadn't. She stood by me, through good and bad results. I remember her holding my hand when I was younger, helping me write the last few words of my practice paper before going to bed the day before exams. I really do miss her. She stuck by me all the way to PMR, I can't ask her for anything more. I just can't stop thanking her for having been there, for still being there for me. I know for a fact that's she's watching over me and her love for me is strong. A mother's love is unlike anything in the world. It's different from God's love, I know that, and I'm glad that I get to enjoy both. I love you, mummy. I never want to let you down!

A sister

She reaches for my hand, but I give her a hug instead. She's growing up so fast. I can't help but feel a little sad about it. She used to be small, but she'll always be small in my mind. I'll love her regardless of  how big she grows. She's always there for me. I can always count on her.

You should know, that when I'm sick, she'll stop at nothing to make me feel comfortable, until I'm all well again. She may not always look adorable, but just wait for night time. She surely looks adorable when she's asleep, or just tucked into bed.





We may not have a lot in common, but we love each other despite all our differences.

Talking to her is so different now than it was before. She really is all grown up.

I really hope we never grow apart. I also hope she never keeps secrets from me. I really love talking to her when it comes down to it. I wouldn't mind telling her all my secrets, if she can keep them of course. I know I would keep her secrets.

Walking with my sister, hand-in-hand, is rare nowadays. I'm cherishing every moment for sure.

I love you, Mikaela Mah Hui Chern!!!:)

Peek-a-boo

I see you. You're running now aren't you? Funny, isn't it? How the tables have turned. Should I be done waiting? I thought I was just done chasing. My mind isn't clearer without this little distraction. I think it would've been just as messed up. But what if you could help relieve some of my worries? What if you were that one person who could talk some sense into me. I always talk to myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm not talking any sense to myself. I'm not one to say 'what if', I don't want to have any regrets in my life.

My life seems to be moving at full speed now. But I will always have time to sit down and think. Or lie down and think. That one hour I use to go through every little detail in my life before I finally fall asleep at night. That's when I work my magic. It's my magic hour;) I don't want my mind to be bombarded with all serious thoughts. Of course I have time for you. You just don't know it. Yet.

I'm being responsible. Or at least, I'm trying to be. Isn't that what you want? I do know how to have fun too. I can laugh, I can smile. I can't help it, but when you look at me like that, I feel like you know. Then you're oblivious again. I sigh and stop running towards, instead, I run away. Then I stop running entirely. But without warning, you start to run. Away. So I decide to stay put, and wait. I will never be done waiting. You're an amazing creation. You know that? Just remember, I see you. I'm not trying to, but I do. And I know for a fact that you see me too.

I'm not hiding, I'm just waiting.

Chanel-ling my emotions, mummy. I feel funny on the inside. And it's not good funny.

I'm reading your mind

Underneath that hood, is an amazing girl. She's just afraid to show herself. He didn't notice her before, why should he notice her now? Don't tell me it's the "Don't know what you got till it's gone" scenario. She's done with cliches. She just wanted something simple. Is that too much to ask?

***

"He is amazing." She can smile, she can laugh, she can make him smile, she can make him laugh. Can't he see past her put-together self? She's all broken inside. She needs someone.. to just hold her. "He is so patient with me. He takes the time to get to know me. I love the time we spend together."

***

"She is amazing."  He wants something more, but he's afraid to act on his feelings. "I love talking to her, I love making her smile. She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." He can see past her walls. She's so vulnerable, and he knows it. He doesn't want to push the friendship. A very special relationship. He would never take advantage of her.

***

"Please read my mind..." they both make this mistake. Waiting. Not moving forward. 

I really wish I had a story of my own to tell. I'm tired of bringing my self-made characters together just to satisfy myself. Isn't it about time I feel what they are feeling? I can pretend I know what being in their shoes is like, but I'd just be kidding myself. I love writing my stories, don't get me wrong. I just... want to experience it for myself. Maybe just one more time before I graduate high school a year from now. 

This could be a really bad idea. As they say, "Be careful what you wish for." 

If my prince charming were to show himself to me tomorrow, Sam would have this thought in her head "You're gonna be the same villain that breaks my heart in this story." If Sam keeps thinking like this, it's no wonder she scares of every boy that's ever taken an interest in her. Funny story, huh? Well after a few reruns of this, it really is no longer funny.

Ps, when I speak of myself in a third person, it's when I emphasize my silliness and sometimes, inappropriateness. 

I read your mind. Because it's the closest I can get to you. Whoever you are... Just look for me. I'm the girl hiding inside that hood, among other things. This is Sam, spilling her heart onto a page apparently many of her family, friends and sometimes, strangers read.