Hi, my name's Samantha and I've cried all my life. I admit, I am sensitive. I also admit, I am stubborn. I was that child, holding on to her mommmy's hand, her grip so tight, you knew you couldn't separate the two if you tried. Only God could. And that's what He did. It was His plan. I believe in His plan. I also believed that you could love me.
You can't say I didn't try. You know you'd just be lying. I'm far from perfect. I'm broken into a million pieces, and just when I'm able to put some pieces back together, you break me just a little. Can't you see these tears are because of you? Sometimes, they are for you. Just look at me, really look at me. Listen...
I'll push myself to the limit. There are no boundaries when it comes to serving God. His plan is working, can't you see that? He brought us together, but your doubts of me are getting in the way. Let me in, let Him in, please... How many more years do I have to beg? We get along, don't we? In a short period of time, I have a choice to go, pursue my dreams, go wherever God leads me, wherever He's taking me. You know I've already made the decision to stay. Hoping that will be the plan the Lord has for me. No, I'm not giving up, I'm not throwing away my education, I'm just taking the road less traveled. I don't have to be the best, I just have to try my best. Isn't that what mommy always said? Or did you forget that too?
I am not mad. I'm just very disappointed.... in myself. I think I may have failed you. Failed to prove to you the love I can give, the things I can do to provide for this family. I pray every night for patience, and to love like He loves. I always wonder how He does it. But then I remember another person I know that managed to have equal amount of patience and love, especially toward you, my mother. She loved you. She still loves you. She watches over you, over us. All of us. The things that she's done, I can't imagine living up to that. But I don't have to. It isn't what she would've wanted.
I'm allowed to make my own mistakes. I'm allowed to have feelings. I'm allowed to cry once in a while. I'm allowed to love everyone, no matter how difficult. I'm allowed to try. My Father above loves me, that's more than enough, but all my life, I've seeked your approval. Weird, isn't it? You seem to want me gone, my sister never wants me to leave, and me? I'm not even close to letting go.
Learning. All I said, was that no matter how many years we live, we will never be able to learn everything about this world. But it doesn't matter. When we meet God, all that doesn't matter. Did you hear a word I said? Maybe my sobs were drowning out my voice. A voice I thought you knew since I was a mere toddler. I sang then, and I sing now. That voice is still the same. I just grew up a little, that's all. I'm still singing my song. My song that entitles you to listen, everyone is welcomed to listen. But you said you will never learn me. Where those words came from, I will never know. You will never tell me, and I will never ask. The only thing I can do, is give you a way out. I've always given you a way out.
"You don't have to learn me..."
That's when it stops. Silence washes over us once again. I know we'll go back to normal soon, we always do. But I will always remember these moments. I've never forgotten a single exchanged word of these moments. When you break me just a little bit more, giving me more pieces to put back together. Hopefully, I have enough years in this life to finish my life's puzzle. If not, I know I'll be alright. I might even be happier, letting God put me back together instead. Seeing my mother, letting her hold me. No more pain, no more sorrow. Just love, in the most beautiful place of all. Heaven.
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