My battle to fight

I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while. Nor have I ever cried for hours straight. I'm not that girl. I will tell you who I am though. I'm the people-pleaser. I must have everyone like me or die trying. From what I heard, it's something I got from my mom. I now understand why she was pushed around so much. Why people took advantage of her and stepped all over her. I don't like to upset people. I like to find a way so that everyone is happy. If you think that I'm just telling you a bunch of lies, then you don't know me well enough and you should probably stop your reading here.

She has so many friends. Friends who she believes genuinely cares. Friends she would never hurt on purpose. Friends she hoped would stay with her till the end of time. But somehow, she feels hurt. She knows of the whispers behind her back. The shared secrets, the laughter. She knows she may have unintentionally hurt them, but she never expected to feel hurt back. Some advice was given to her today. It wasn't really advice, but something a father-figure would say to his daughter.

"Your friends care for you. They advise you. That's what friends do. What they may not understand is; even though they're intentions are good, wanting you to learn from their mistakes, you are still going to have to walk your own path and be certain that you will face hardships and you will get hurt. But that's you. It's your life. How come what they said could hurt you so much?"

"Because they mean something to me. They're my friends. I care for them too. I don't want them upset. I want them to be happy. But what I chose to do did not make them happy. I hurt them. I most probably don't deserve them."

"How about your happiness? You see, there are two ways this thing could go. It either doesn't work out, or you live happily ever after. There is no guarantee, but how will you know unless you put yourself out there? At the end of the day, you don't want to live your life saying I should've done that. Even if you've had bad experiences, you learn from them. But if you regret something that you've never tried, you can't even learn from that. Look at it this way, if it doesn't work out, you learn; if it does work out, you are happy. Don't you want to be happy? Because what's important now is you. Not him. Not them. Consider yourself and your immediate family. Honestly Sam, if they were your friends, no matter how many mistakes you make, they wouldn't leave you. Would you judge them? Even if they didn't take your advice? Would you judge them or support them and then be there for them in the end? You answer that yourself. If they want to walk away, let them walk. But I have a feeling that if you are truly happy and they can see that, they will learn to accept it."

Fighting a battle full of emotions and learning to be strong. Strengthening my faith with him and friends who are willing to stay by my side through thick and thin.

Thank you God for all the blessings you've given me already. I know you wouldn't throw me a battle I couldn't handle. And thank you for giving me family and friends as blessings in disguise :)

Love you, mummy! <3