My Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon, I like to let my mind wander off to some faraway place that is untouchable by anyone but me.
I can control everything, every movement. I can control myself.

Because right now, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm still myself on the outside, you can see that. But on the inside, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing when I'm doing my favourite things. I feel nothing when someone says hurtful things to me. I feel nothing when someone pushes my buttons. I can't feel true happiness, true sadness, true anger.



What I do feel is fear. Fear that I'm unable to do anything. To be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, or even worse, a good follower of Christ. I need to get my life back on track. How did I manage to stray so far so fast? No, it wasn't because of the holidays. It started long before. And no, it wasn't because of the people I've been spending time with. They have done nothing but love me.

For a moment there, I thought I was starting to crush, but that feeling soon faded. Everything around me seems faded. I want to live a colorful life again. Yes, my life was colorful. So bright and beautiful. So meaningful. My life was and is a gift from God. I need to treasure it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Maybe it's an identity crisis, but I thought I'd been through that already. If it's not the people around me that's affecting me, it must be the things I'm doing to myself.

I'm a dreamer. I'm one of the worst dreamers you will ever know. I have all kinds of dream and I can definitely dream when I'm awake too. But when I'm asleep, my favourite dream to go back to is the one where I'm in her arms again. I always seem to be crying, because I don't want her to let go. Stay in my dreams mommy. Tell me what I need to be doing. I miss you so much. Don't let me wake up to my emotionless life.

But I have to. I have to make this life better for myself. I deserve that much. God gave me life. I wasn't an accident. I was meant to be here. There is a purpose for me.

Once in a blue moon, I think good thoughts. I know that here and now is where I'm meant to be. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl with so much to learn. So much to experience. So much to feel. I will feel something. Just like I only feel LOVE when I see my mother's face in my dreams....