You see her sitting there with a smile on her face. She wanted to see you. She was so happy to see all of you. She told you she had stories to tell you about her life. She wanted to share her life with you. Her little life stories. She is not perfect. Haven't you learned that by now. You knew her before she was even born. You knew her mother. You knew her after her mother passed away. She has always been the same person. The same girl. Sensitive, loving, and always trying to please everyone. Don't tell her to change. Don't tell her what she does is useless. Don't tell her she's useless. She tries her best. So, don't make her cry. But it's too late now isn't it. She has cried. She has swollen eyes. I have cried. I have swollen eyes.
Family lunch didn't go as planned today. One good thing that did come out of it? The food. Mildly good food. There was something else I learnt today that made me a pinch bit happier.
I miss my family. I mom's side of the family. I miss them. I call them. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. They call a family lunch. A regular family lunch. They ask the grandchildren questions about school. I, being the oldest tell them. Share my stories. Stories that bring joy to my life. They pay attention. But no sincerely good comment came out from their lips. Then comes my 10 days younger cousin. Erich. I'm sorry. I love you. You are a great cousin. But you are too much to be compared to. I do wish you weren't around sometimes but I know that's not right.
I tell them I'm class monitor. Erich is a prefect. I tell them I'm the secretary of Girl Scouts in school. Second highest post and ranking besides the two leaders. Erich is the head of the Science club. They are so proud. Of me? They pretend to be, but the looks they give him, they're priceless. He's a prize possession and I'm just the follow up. Being the oldest just makes things more difficult. I hurt and they don't even see it. Until I voice out, I hate it when my feelings have a voice of their own. I didn't even bother to tell them that I'm serving in CF cause that's what they care least about. Not my whole family are Christians. I wish they were, but they aren't. They have said that what I do for CF is pointless at times. I don't listen. I do not believe I spend too much time on my CF activities, I just talk about CF a lot because I feel so proud to part of it. Can't they see that? I guess not.
I voiced out. They pick on me. They don't mean to hurt me. Indirectly, they did. My eyes take on a mind of their own. First, they were just tears. Telling them, explaining to them that they have been looking down on me. My tears mix with sobs, I have difficulty breathing. That what I do is NOT useless. That I care about what I do. What department I serve in. I'm in the encouragement department in CF for goodness sake and I need encouraging. I feel needy. I feel like I need approval. I can't hold it in. I won't do it for you, for anybody. Let my cry. I don't need approval from my friends, from strangers. I want it from my family. The people I grew up with. The people I hug when I see them. The people who say they love me. Who tell me they'll be there for me no matter what. But I don't see them. I look around and I don't see them. They're nowhere close by. I have only my stepdad and my sister. The greatest thing that happened today involves my amazing stepfather.
He didn't say anything during my teary moment at the lunch table. But in the car on the way home. I questioned him. He answered in the most unexpected way. I can't quote his exact words but he said something like this. "Why do you listen to them? Why do you seek for other people's approval? You have to prove to them that you are not useless. They you can do great things. You have talents." I was thinking while he was speaking. "I love you. I needed to hear that from you. Mom, you married a good man. He is a great father. My sister and I are so lucky. I don't need to be Erich. I need to be me. Be who I've always been. Correct a few of my flaws if I can."
Throughout today, mom, you were on my mind. That's why it was that much harder to hold back my tears. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'm taking a deep breath now. I want you to hold me. Silly tears are taking over again. *sniff* Watch over me like you promised mom. I will see you again mummy!
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