I dream about you, mom

I dream I walk into her room and am still able to talk to her like I used to. To have her stroke my hair like I was a little girl again. Her little girl. It's been a week.

I mentioned I had a story to tell. Well, more like stories.

My mom just passed on the 10/11/2010. Yes, it was just a week from today. To get by, I first have to keep reminding myself that she's gone. "She's gone" is what I repeat in my head to remind myself of the current reality. I miss her. I really do. I'm not sure if it's a smart thing to do to make this my first post here, but I'm doing it. I guess it's true when they say you miss a passed loved one everyday. Not every second of the day, but every day. I think of her at the randomest times. Her face lights up my mind.

My amazing mother fought lymphoma cancer for almost 3 years. We found out her cancer came back in the year 2008. That's why we moved back to Selangor. My birth place. I loved living in Sabah for most of my childhood, but  we had to do what we had to do. Doctors here are better, know better. Can do more for her, that's what they told me. It didn't turn out to be true. I guess God had other plans for my family. We found out later that there was no cure. My mom tried EVERYTHING. From special diets to thousands of dollars spent on other alternatives. From special mattresses to different kinds of meds. It was painful to watch, yes, but she wouldn't give up. I gave up. I wanted to just spend whatever time God allowed me with her, but she didn't. She fought, as hard as she could, as long as she could. She lived longer than most cancer patients would have. That's how strong she was. If you compare me to her, I would never measure up. So yes, she fought. I didn't support her as much as I should have. I even found faults with her. I had arguments with her. Now, I wished I hadn't.

Each day went pass and there never seemed to be much change. Her legs got weaker and soon, she could no longer walk. She started with a walker, then a wheelchair, then she was bed-ridden. Whatever condition she was in, she was still herself. As she got skinnier, as the cancer spread, as her health got worse, she stayed optimistic. I used to push her around in her wheelchair and we'd go shopping. She never complaint. I never saw how happy she was just to spend time with my dad, my sis and I. We went out to family lunches, dinners. I always had hopes that she would be able to walk again. Was I naive? Maybe, but I had hope.

Up till the very end, I prayed that she could have a full recovery. That wasn't my only prayer. I also prayed that when her time comes, God will carry me through every tear, every heartbreak, every obstacle I had to overcome. Thing is, I never imagined what it'd be like when my mom's time finally did come. That time is now. She's gone now. Leaving behind her beloved husband, daughters, father, siblings, friends. She will definitely live on in our hearts. I still talk to her, when I'm alone in my room. I imagine her looking down on me now, cause that's all I can do. I just hate that the only way I can talk to her is to close my eyes and imagine I'm actually speaking to her. I have so many stories I can tell about her. Too many sweet memories that I'll forever look back on.

Want to know how I'm doing now? I'll tell you a few things I am doing. I am smiling. She's in a better place:) She's rid of pain and that awful thing called cancer. I am also building a stronger relationship with my dad(stepdad) and sis(stepsis) like she would have wanted me too:) I'm sure she's proud of me for that too. I'm awaiting my PMR results. My mom carried me through my PMR exam but she won't be able to see me receive my results, but I'm pretty sure she can see that piece of result paper from above;) I'm living life as normal as possible. I have an amazing God to look to for anything at all. I have a mom and grandmother watching me from above, and I will join them someday in the future, but right now, they'll have to be my special guardian angels;) I have a family that loves me and would do anything for me. I have found friendships that will last me a lifetime. I have found friends that always seem to be there for me no matter what.

In every post I post here, I'll try to include something special for my mother in them. Watch out for that special message, mom. I LOVE YOU.