It's just what it is

"Just keep still and let it take you..."
"But I'm hearing screams. Loud, unbearable screams..."
"It will get better, I promise. I promise.." he whispers again softly.
I almost believe him then. ALMOST...

I will not be taken advantage of, do you hear me? Never! Just go away and stop choking me. I literally feel your hands around my neck, squeezing..killing.. Just leave me alone, you monster!

Step By Wicked Step

You know how I usually post up my English Essays from school? Whether it's from assignments or exams, I usually love posting up my essays. This time, I'm not going to do that. Reason being I wrote about something pretty personal and it's nothing I wanna recall. I have finally put the characters I wrote in that essay in my past. Yes, I use actual people in my life to come up with an interesting story. The names I used in essay were Thomas and Richard. That's all I'm gonna say on that.

Now, I'm going to introduce my Literature essay!:) Teacher said it was the best in class. 14/15 marks. Although I only achieved 85/100 marks in total and once again came in 2nd highest in class, I've learnt to look on the bright side and focus on the one section I did score highest in. LITERATURE.

According to Puan Nurliza (My English Teacher) , I would've gotten full marks if I had added quotes or references into my essay. Though she also told me she wanted to give me full marks but the school wouldn't allow it. Boo :(

Here goes!

Which character do you like most?

Based on the novel 'Step by Wicked Step' by Anne Fine, I have learnt about the lives of all her characters, but the character I like most is Pixie.

Pixie lives a life similar to a Cinderella Story. Her mother and father split up and she goes back and forth between living with her mum and living with her dad. Her dad remarried a woman named Lucy who is now her stepmother. Along with her stepmother are her two stepsisters, Sophie and Hetty Payne.

First of all, I like Pixie because she is strong-willed. Despite having to endure her parents' divorce, she still manages a strong and fiery behaviour in school as mentioned by Mr. Plumley. She also handles her living situations very well. Having to go back and forth between two homes is not a pleasant feeling. I love how she just never gives up on life and deals with the problems fate has dealt her.

I also like Pixie because she is hard-headed. This may seem like a bad quality to many but I think it makes Pixie who she is. Pixie is not afraid to speak her mind when she has to. She stands up for her rights and always tries to win the fight. For example, when Pixie got into a row with her stepmother, Lucy. Her stepsister, Hetty had complained that Pixie was not speaking to her. Because of that, Lucy stepped in and confronted Pixie. Pixie spoke her mind and told Lucy all about how she hated her sleeping arrangements as she was forced to share a room with Hetty. Pixie also told Lucy how she could not stand to play "Happy Families" in a household she was so clearly uncomfortable in. She also voiced out that nobody really bothered to ask her how she felt about everything, not even her own father. In the end, Lucy sympathized with Pixie and they had a mutual understanding over some tears shed. After that, Pixie got her was in which Hetty's mattress was moved back into Sophie's room, so she no longer had to share a room with Hetty. Hetty also stopped calling Pixie "Priscilla" which she so clearly hated.

Another reason I like Pixie is because she has the qualities of tolerance and patience in her. For example, when Hetty was forced on her even though her dad and Lucy had agreed that Pixie would have her own room. I think she handled the situation pretty well. Despite pulling a few tricks on Hetty in the beginning, she slowly warmed up to her. When Hetty was no longer living in Pixie's room, Pixie would still be willing to share her room with her sometimes, especially when telling her stories about Henrietta Forbes.

Pixie is also very considerate. For example, she knew her mother did not like it when she brought her stuff over to her dad's house. Because of that, Pixie never brought any of her stuff over in fear she might hurt her mother's feelings.

I also like Pixie's sense of humour. When she was playing tricks on Hetty to try and get her to leave her alone, she came up with a few creative and humorous ways to do so. For example, telling Hetty that there was a ghost who used to live in their house named Henrietta Forbes and that because Hetty had the same name as her, she may come to haunt them. It was more funny than scary because Hetty did not believe her, instead smiled and asked her to tell more stories about Henrietta Forbes.

Pixie is also a very good reader and I admire that in her. This is proven when she offers to read the story of Richard Clayton Hardwick to the group. They were all taken by her telling of the story so she must have been a good reader.

In my opinion, Pixie has endless likable qualities about her. I feel like I can also personally relate to her as I share some of the same qualities and life experience as her. This is all the reasons why Pixie is the character I like most in this book.

:) THE END.

I'm finally free

Now read these lyrics very carefully...

"Radiation"

Na na na nana na na nah
Na na na nana na na nah

I'll lay it down one time through, gather round
Though this is a chore
So rich with lies, I prefer poor advice
And showed her him the door

This is your goodbye and kiss opportunity
Thought you were burning me down
But I'm finally free and...

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Oh the sun came up
Tell me where'd I park?
We did it again.
We had some fun
Did some things
We got dumb
But I want it to end

Cause I only give in
When I get the need
I'm only coming around
Cause I get to leave and...

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Can't breathe, I can't sleep
Thinking 'bout the best of you and,
Some things I couldn't see
What about the rest of you?
Well, you're under my skin
But I can't let you win
Though you don't see scars
That's exactly what they are baby
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah
Ooooh oh
Baby, baby, baby
You're never gonna hurt me

If you miss me don't
If I never wanna see you again
I won't
If you get an invitation
I'm probably drunk
You're just as hot as radiation
But I'm in this situation

Na na nana na nah
Yes I am
Na na nana na nah
I gotta get out
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah
If you miss me
If you miss me, if you miss me
Na na nana na nah
Na na nana na nah...

You're SO done. All the best in life, my 'friend'. You're so fortunate I'm not telling people your name, let alone post up that pathetic 'conversation' we had. If I was the type to swear, I'd most probably have by now. But you're not even worth profanity. Sadly, you didn't even give me the chance to tell you just how much I've moved on. I am most definitely laughing, at least a little bit, behind your back. I'd really prefer it if you hated me instead of trying to crawl back to what you supposedly think was our 'used-to-be'. 

A little tip, do not, I repeat, do NOT look at me in church. Trust me, it will just dig you a deeper grave. Getting lectured is one thing, what happens next is what I hope I never get a chance to witness. There's my last piece of advice for you. I take back my apology and if it wasn't already clear, I don't miss you. 

We're done. 

Remember to dream

It felt like I was in a dream today. Everything fell into place. Despite stressing over an upcoming test, Bible Knowledge nonetheless, I was extremely content, happy even.

Sometimes, I honestly forget to dream. I never forget I'm a dreamer, but I forget to actually dream-happy dreams. I can be awake, asleep, doesn't matter. I just want to spend the rest of my life dreaming. There's this calming feeling in my heart. God is really doing wonders in my life. But why? I definitely don't deserve it. He knows the sins I've committed, especially recently. Still... He makes me want to tear for His grace is so overwhelming.

Papa was smiling today:) Almost throughout the whole day. It was a beautiful sight to see. He actually seemed proud when I brought back my "Murid Sahsiah Tinggi" certificate. When I asked him to listen to me recite versus from the bible for my test, he was patient with me. That was just a moment to treasure.

My classmate/friend, Tan Yi Qian was extremely nice and patient with me today. Helping me go through the Parables of Luke. With all this help, I know that I want to try extra hard on this test. For God most of all, but also because of the people who have so much faith in me.

Receiving the said certificate above brought back some sweet memories. I remembered this boy who wasn't from my school. I mentioned to this boy last year that I was receiving this exact award. When the day came last year for me to receive it, he didn't forget to go out of his way to congratulate me. That small action made my day last year, whether he knew it or not. Sweet memories are to be remembered.

DREAM. Today was definitely a dream. It was a dream come true. I am so happy. I just wish more people knew that. Understood exactly just how I feel. Do you know what I mean?

Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You
Listened to this song while blogging this :) Enjoy!

I'm laughing on the inside

But remember this :

Got that instilled in your brain yet?

Let them in anyway

But they can never really destroy you, can they? God keeps pulling me back up whenever they push me down. So? I'm just gonna keep letting them in.

One day, there'll be someone worthy enough of me to stay. There just has to be. Hoping against all hope that this isn't another one of my idiotic moves. I am not destroyed, but rather restored. God's grace is ever so merciful :)

It'll take more than words and back stabbing to kill me. In the meantime, you won't let them touch me right, mummy? 

This is him

"Are you sure about this?" she whispered silently.
"Trust me. You do trust me, don't you?" he answered. His eyes spoke volumes, and that's all she needed to take her next step.

A leap of faith. A hand to squeeze. Her eyes shut tight. She took a deep breath, and let her first tear slowly roll down her cheek.




A few minutes before...

"I'm here. Use me. C'mon Sam, trust me..."

He was ready to take on this responsibility. To take HER on. He'd been thinking long and hard. He wants to know everything about her. He wants to learn her. He wants to be hers. So he'll hold her until she's all cried out. Until she's shared every nightmare with him, as well as every beautiful dream. He will know everything, and then they will become one.

This is him. This is the man of my dreams. A man who has thoughts like this. A man who can take me on.

Party till the sun goes down!

HAHA! :D Living life to the fullest. My smile is so prominent, people think I'm insane. Stay in, go out. School, tuition, shopping... I truly am happy. It feels like a party every day. 

One day, I'll meet someone. Live happily ever after. Forget entirely about the boy who got to me. He found his way in, but I found him a way out. Bye bye! ;) 

My trial results are... amazingly good!:D I got more As than expected and hopefully did not fail anything. I don't know anything for certain yet, but I will soon enough. *fingers crossed* and praying hard! 

See mummy, he didn't break me. Just like you said! ;)

I keep right to the beat

After all that's happened, every event transpired, I still have hope.

So, the week has ended on a high :) Let's just hope the weekend is just as good. Plus, Monday's a holiday!! :D

Dad and I are on good terms again. I do not wish for another fight anytime soon. I really don't. I know we'll always make it out on the other side though. 

Did you know, I can't help myself from relapses every now and then? Also, I'm really good at feeling 'fine' after a big storm has passed. 

It rained the past 2 days. Not throughout the whole day, but it rained. And it seems like the rain has washed away my feelings of self-pity. I have this sudden urge to jump up and high-5 somebody. I am that happy. I just hope it lasts. 

I've been listening to more happy songs too! Courtesy of one of my favourite dramas -Jane By Design :)

1. Work of Art - Rachel Platten 

2. Take These Things Away - Rachel Platten

3. My Own Drum - Jules Larson

...

"I dance to the beat of my own drum"

Party tomorrow! :D One problem: I don't know what to wear :( This is not a problem I face usually. I always, and I mean ALWAYS know what I'm gonna wear the next day. Whether it's my school uniform, sweats, a mini-dress, or an outfit I put together myself by mixing and matching. Ugh... This is so frustrating. At least I know that I have my own style. Who says we all need to follow every trend there is out there? ;) I feel comfortable wearing what I think is cool. 

I was thinking... I think it's time for another story! I just have to come up with one first :/ Hmmm... First, I need to find the time to sit myself down and just let my imagination run free. Haha:D Don't get me wrong, my mind has been wandering into many uncharted territories that could be turned into stories. Especially every night before I sleep, and every morning when I sit in my transporter's car, wondering about this and that... 

Can't wait for story time! ...with myself? Hehe

Don't worry mummy. I'm happy :) can't you see?

Innocence with a smile :)

Look at this huge grin on my face :D Okay, you can't see it, but it's there ;) Not 2, not 4, but 5 teachers submitted my name as "tokoh murid" of the year! In direct translation, that would mean, (according to google translate) "student leader" of the year. Okay, that doesn't sound right. I think they meant the award more like "exemplary student" of the year.

Ahhhhh! This is when I start believing in myself more. How can so many have faith in me, and I not have faith in myself? I can accomplish things. I can achieve goals. My heart's just gotta be 100% in it ;)
My teachers are making my day. I may not have a perfect family waiting for me at home, but right now, it seems like I have the perfect school life.

I'm in the midst of trials and I've not fallen sick yet. In other words, I'm doing just fine :) A little bit of stress is all. It's nowhere near killing my good moods. I think I actually prefer this trial period than normal schooling days. Well of course I've also been skipping the days of school where I have no exam, but who isn't? :P

I'll let you in on a little secret, although this will most likely seem like I'm arrogant and egoistic, but I'll share it anyway. I think there are more than 5 teachers who submitted "Samantha Koh Siew Cheng" as "tokoh murid" of the year. Haha :D I hope you don't think badly of me because I said so. I just... honestly, am loving my teachers right now :') What would I do without them. When everything is confirmed, I'll gladly share all the reasons why this award means so much to me, as well as all the funny reasons I think I got nominated and how I don't think some of these teachers really should have submitted my name.

*still grinning like an idiot* :D


Like the innocence of a little girl looking to her future with many hopes and expectations. In awe of everything beautiful around her.
"One day, I will marry the man of my dreams. One day. No rush." :)







"This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay.
This moment is perfect, please don't go away."

Put my heart where my head should be

Thought I'd share a happy song :) I have so many reasons to be happy, I really do ;)

My heart beats like it's on fire

And everything is all right

As long as I am inspired

I stitch together my life

From hand-me-downs

And good advice that finally fit me

(good advice that finally fit me)

Wear my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

I found this door to my inside

I flung it open so dreams

Could rush in like the high tide

I learned I'm not an island or a fairytale

'Cause in the end I'm not pretending

Put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the stops and starts

When your life is a work of art

Heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

When your life is a work of art

Because my heart keeps stumblin'

And I keep fumblin'

My life keeps going

And I jump in the ocean 

My heart keeps tumblin'

My heart starts coming

And I think I am finally ready ready ready 

I put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause my dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

Put my heart where my head should be

And light up the rest of me

'Cause the dreams

They won't fall apart through the starts and stops

When your life is a work of art

Famous last words

I guess you were already done with me. I guess I'm finally done with you. I just needed to get everything out of my system. I'm sorry to have ever bothered you with my presence in your life. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my existence in this world. I thank God for bringing me into this world! I love my life, honestly.

That doesn't mean I don't get hurt. That doesn't mean I don't have negative thoughts. There's a time for sarcastic play of words, and there's a time to be serious.

"Sometimes when you're in pain, you don't really feel it in the afternoon, rather at night when there are no distractions. No friends to keep that smile on your face, no laughter to drown out your negative thoughts." -A friend.

Something inside me went off. I kept repeating these famous last words: "I miss him."
For 2 days straight, those were the words that slipped past my lips. After talking it out with a couple of trustworthy friends, I made my decision. Some say I took the high road, that I was the mature one. (I'm sure you don't see it that way... Haha) Let's see how you would see this. Some say I was being completely idiotic in taking action based on my feelings.

***

Something inside me shuts off whenever I put myself out there. Even before the dreaded responses. I just... go numb. But the numbness seems to be fading ever so quickly now. I don't, no, I won't let it get to me.

***

My fights with my father seem to be coming ever so frequently nowadays. It's like, one fight starts before the other is over. This is obviously not a good sign. I think even my sister is starting to take sides now. What hurts is, she's taking my side. I love her, but I think he needs her more than I do.

I tucked the little rascal in last night. Sleeping in her room like the big girl she is. I'm so proud of her. She's growing up ever so beautifully :') How am I ever gonna leave her?

***

I don't want to think about that right now. Must not let anything get to me. Nothing too emotional at least. If any of you reading this care for me at all, I ask a favor of you. I have an MRI coming up. It's after SPM, before PROM. I know a lot of my nocturnal seizures are self-induced. I let my emotions get to me, but I'm trying not to anymore. I'm really trying. You really think I wanna be on medication again just so I can get a good night's sleep? My favor is : prayer. The doctor says it's nothing, just a final thorough checkup. The thing is, I look at this like it's a test. Another subject I aim to pass. Because if I do pass, I'm in the clear. I just have to continue to watch my physical health as well as my mental health. But if I don't pass, and there's even the slightest chance my brain isn't as normal as it should be, well then, I don't know what will happen then.

Honestly, I've let too many boy issues affect my mental health in the past. It may have been caused by only one or two boys, but the proof is still there that it they got to me. So, I'm closing the door on this one. I really don't need this. I'm guessing neither do you. We never really fit into each other's lives anyway. I admit, I had fun with you. I still can't find anyone who can keep up the kind of conversations we had. Sarcastic and humorous. I guess it's all over now, isn't it? I really do wish you all the best in life. Don't forget to treasure the little things though ;)

And just like that, I've ended my famous last words for you.