A princess without her tiara

A part of me knows you're worth it, peasant. Please don't make me regret everything I've said and done. Because I meant every word. I meant every kiss. I meant it. My tiara may be falling but who cares? The only princess I wanna be right now is yours. I was only ever your princess.

Remember the times I said, "I'm not a princess"? What I meant was, I'm YOUR princess.

I'd rather be a princess without her tiara than a princess without her peasant. Someday, I hope to be a princess with her peasant prince. But I know I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. Not only am I a princess, I'm also a dreamer. Don't forget that, peasant.

Unfinished kiss

She walked up to him; and with a kiss, told him everything she felt for him. Things she couldn't express through words alone, but through the sacred meaning of a kiss. She'd been wanting to do this for a while. So much had transpired in the past month. Too many heartbreaking memories, actions and exchanged words. She didn't want to think anymore. She did what she'd been wanting to do. She gave him her one and only first kiss.

"Don't run from me. Just, don't. I know how you feel about me, even if you don't know it yet. Make me this promise. 'No emotional running'. Can you do that for me, princess?"

She shouldn't have agreed. Because she kept that promise. And that promise is coming back to haunt her. Instead of doing her usual run from emotions, she stayed. She fought. She wanted what she wanted. Him. Now she's starting to doubt if he really wants her. So, she kissed him.

To be continued...

Catch me?

Maybe, just maybe, this one's for me.

Question is,
"Do I want to be caught?"

No thinking

I don't want to be your challenge. I don't want to be the girl you're fixated on. It's too much. You say, "No pressure", but there is pressure...ON ME! I may be the one putting weight on my shoulders, but it's all for good reason. You're not only perfect on paper, you're perfect in person too. When you open your mouth, you say all the right things. At least I think you're saying the right things. But to me, they could possibly be all the wrong things.

"What part of 'I'm not ready', don't you understand?"

I'm just tapping into all the negative sides of me right now.

You know I'm a runner. You know I've never been able to commit to anything serious. I've never had to, really. I live my life taking each day as it comes. You just had to stop me in my tracks and make me start my habit or over thinking again. I hate thinking. I hate it!

My brain is so damn frazzled right now... I can't tell what I'm feeling! When you ask, "Do you like me?" I ask my feelings, and they don't have an answer. I am serious. I can't even tell if I like someone right now! It's never been this tough. It's a yes or no question. Simple right? NOT!

UGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

I know you're not forcing me to do anything. But you are forcing me to face a truth I may not want to face yet. No, I DON'T want to face yet. Are you really sure I won't end up just hurting you one day to the point you can't even look at me anymore? Are you 100% sure I'm not just leading you on?

Cause I could very well be leading you on, and I've told you this from the start. You and I really don't have much in common. As it is, you and I see this "thing" we have going in different directions. You say you're the positive one, and I'm the negative one. But there's more to it. Why am I the negative one? Maybe it's cause I know I can't reciprocate whatever feelings you have for me. You say, "That's now, what about later?"

I just...don't want to think about it!!



I think I'm done ranting for the day.

It's worth it

Started my first official college class today:) It was both intimidating and exciting. In the end, all went well. Despite being sick and using up 3 whole packets of tissue, I made it!

"The effort you put in is worth it, I promise you. Just wait and see..."

Still praying hard no really big hardships come my way. I know I can't control God's plan, but I can always pray for his guidance. I'm still 100% sure he won't throw something my way I can't handle. I want to face my challenges headstrong.

I miss you, mum. See where I am now? See what I'm doing? I sure do hope you're proud of me.

I'm laughing, aren't you?

I don't even know who I'm mad at, besides myself that is. I hear screams coming at me from all around. What kind of nightmare is this???? The worst kind, that's what.

"You can't do this, Sam. You're nothing but a waste of flesh and bones."

That is the summary of what I'm hearing.

I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I AM NOT GONNA END MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO APPRECIATE MY EXISTENCE!

One day, I'll be really done with you. With ALL of you!

Blasting these songs of hate is not helping, but it's the only music I can bear hearing at the moment. Is the question "WHY?" even valid?

What did I do to ever hurt you? I gave you all I had. All my blood and sweat. I'll tell you what you gave me. You gave me hell. You put disgusting words into my mouth to make me look like the devil on earth. I put on a mask of an angel for you, your friends, your family. Not good enough for you? Well, I'm sorry. Let me take it all back and be the your worst nightmare. Because you have no idea what I'm capable of.

When I walk out that front door with my suitcase in hand, you'll know exactly what you've lost. Me. That's what you would've lost. I know you won't care now. But just wait and see what happens to your life. The walls around you will crumble and you'll be buried in your incapability to accept someone you raised. Now, isn't that amusing?


I'm laughing, aren't you?

Time to say goodbye

It's not goodbye exactly. It's more like an almost goodbye. The 2013 countdown is soon. It's obvious the world didn't end. It's also obvious that a lot is already starting to change this year, and we haven't even changed the numbers in the year yet. 

Hmmm....

Let me tell you how my December has been since I last blogged. Or rather let me show you.

 I celebrated prom with the people who mean the most to me, my girls :) 

I celebrated Christmas with my family :)

I celebrated my cousin, Erich's farewell :/

Every one of these events were memorable. I thank God I had the opportunity to spend this much quality time with my family and friends. December 2012 is almost over. It is time to say goodbye, in more ways than one. But I think I'm ready to say "I'm ready." I have to be. The year 2013 is coming at me and there's no way to stop it.

So, I will count my blessings. Take life in stride. Stay positive. Serve my purpose the best way I can. There's nothing that can stop this girl ;) and you know it!

In the meantime...

Just take each day as it comes, as if you were turning pages on a storybook entitled "My Life". 

<3

Quoting Dr. Seuss

Till I find my life partner with the level of weirdness that is parallel to mine, I'm gonna enjoy my life :D

Because I agree with you Dr. Seuss. LIFE IS A LITTLE WEIRD O.O

So, SUCK IT people who are trying to ruin me. I'm doing just fine. Better than fine even. Just watch me do my victory dance!

I want to type "THE END".

This can't be. He who says the dumbest things, also manages to say the things that no one could possible know about, unless one was a mind reader. Every time she thinks it's over, he comes up with a piece of her past she thought she had let go of a long time ago. How does he do that?

She never picked him for a fool, but his actions say otherwise. This unusual friendship they keep trying to maintain is never going to work. Especially if he doesn't start using his head. He's not even really using his heart. He's using... A fool's mind. And so the story continues.

Can't he see how fragile she is? How fragile she's been? Why he keeps coming around is still a mystery to her, and to those who stand by her.
"If I were you, I'd ask him to f* off."
"If I were you, I'd ask him to go bother someone else."
"If I were you, I'd slap him in the face."

Then they go on to tell her how good a person she is. Forgiving him like that. What they don't know is, she may or may not have a hidden agenda. She's not even sure herself. How can someone seem so right for you and so wrong for you at the same time?

There is one thing she is clear about:
No matter how much of her mind he reads; No matter how much of what he feels is exactly what she's felt (Heart beating fast and heavy breathing); No matter how much of what he remembers is what she will never forget, she IS over him.

"But I'm not over you. There's just something about you," he says.
Beautiful...Angelic...

That is why she doesn't think this is the end of their storybook. It could just be the end of another chapter. This story is starting to get on her nerves though. And here she thought she was the girl with the roller coaster emotions. Apparently not. So, this annoying story continues. It'll most likely travel into a place of oblivion that no one will ever decipher.

Next Chapter.

Hello December :)

So, it's the 1st of December 2012 :) I don't think I want to remember my last December. Too many mixed feelings, too many complications :S

Okay, this year may be even more complicated. For example: Choosing which college I want to go to, what subjects I want to take for A Levels etc. But emotionally, I'm stable :)

It really is a weight off my shoulders without a crush, a boyfriend and an ex on my mind. I don't think I even try anymore. Someday, somehow, my time will come. I have so much extra time now to do my song-writing, story-writing and song covers.

Admittedly, I still have one more SPM paper O_O Economics! Ughhh.. After the 6th of December, I know I'll feel even better :) Although, I do have 2 more exams after that. Cambridge First Certificate Examination & Trinity Public Speaking. WOW!! That sure is a lot of exams, huh? There's one more test I do need to take...MY DRIVING TEST!! Ok, that's about it. Maybe that's why my December is extra full this year.

In December, I have a couple of MUST DOs that are important. Like my MRI. (I still have no idea what that's gonna be like.) Also, I think I've got a dentist appointment scheduled in there somewhere. And a 4 day Pre College Preparatory English Class.

On a fun note, I have one day put aside for the girls and I to go shopping. (Especially for clutches-*prom*) A movie night with the old band. (Blueberry Cheesecake) A day of work for my aunt. (Santa Paws) A wedding dinner. A couple of Christmas parties. PROM!! :D

The rest of the days are for family and friends, good food and fellowship :)

Ooh! Ooh! I think my family and I are going to put up our Christmas tree tonight! What better day to do it than on the 1st day of the month Jesus was born in right? ;) I'm already feeling all warm and fuzzy inside thinking about Christmas. It seems many people are sticking with the traditional red decorated tree this year. I CAN'T WAIT!!!







So here we are. Back to December. The so called "Favourite month of the year". I just pray everything goes well for me. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. I'm just done with all this nonsense. Boys who can't stay away, hurtful words and actions, arguments and fights that in the end, mean NOTHING. I want a magical Christmas, I want a beautiful December. That's what I'm praying for right now. So, don't try to ruin this month for me, ok? I'll be nice if you promise not to be naughty. Hehe ;)

Dreams by AW

“Wait up!” I chased after the man with a fedora hat.  My voice must have caught his attention because he stopped in his tracks. Unlike most people, he did not turn to scout for the source of the voice. He simply continued gazing into the distance, though I wasn’t sure what he could actually see through the thick mist that hung in the still, chilly air around us.

                “Who are you?” panting, I managed to ask, as I finally caught up with the man. From afar, his tux and black slacks gave the illusion that he was a lot taller than he really was, but closer up, I could tell he was no taller than 5 feet 4. He then turned to face me, an enigmatic smile played on his lips, sending shivers down my spine. His fedora casted a shadow that cascaded down his face, hiding his eyes from my sight.  A little part of me was relieved I couldn’t see them. Who knew what evil they might’ve carried with them.

                “Ah, Miss Anne! Such a pleasure to meet you,” he said as if already expecting my arrival. He extended his right hand, covered with a white glove, totally ignoring my question. I wasn’t one to be rude, so I took his hand and shook it gently, being sure to at the very least offer him a polite smile. There was an air of mystery about this man that I couldn’t quite comprehend. He spoke in a calm manner, yet it wasn’t the type of calm that soothed one’s spirit, it was too calm that it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to stand on its ends.

                “Well, I must be off. I have a train to catch,” he continued, taking a glance at his Rolex watch. He snapped his fingers and suddenly, the ground beneath our feet shook at the rumbling of an on coming train. From the “chug-a-chug-a” sound that it made, it was pretty certain it was powered by a steam engine. As the train pulled up beside us, it let out a “choo choo!” and left puffs of smoke hovering above our heads, adding to the foggy conditions of my strange surroundings.

                “Wait! Sir! I still don’t know your name!” I shouted as he boarded his seemingly magical train.

                “Oh, don’t worry about my name. You’ll find out soon enough. I know for a fact that we’ll be seeing each other a lot more,” he replied and then removed his hat and gave me a wink as the train sped off into the mist. His eyes that were a shade of purple were cool and to an extent discomfiting and somewhat unnerving.  Yet, it had that cheeky twinkle that suited his know-it-all attitude. Then again, he really did know it all.

                “My name is Marx,” he revealed as he took a sip of tea out on the patio, our rendezvous. This was three years after our very first encounter. Surprised that he finally decided to reveal his name after countless days spent together in this foreign land, he piqued my curiosity. “Why have you only decided to tell me now?”

                “Because this is the last we will ever see of each other, Anne. I’m sorry,” his said without a hint of sorrow, his voice still as calm as it has always been.

                “But… why?” I asked as hot tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over with just one blink. “I’ve come to enjoy your frequent visits so much!”

                “My frequent visits or your frequent visits?” Marx shot me one of his enigmatic looks and suddenly, all the puzzle pieces started to fall into place and it became clear. Never once when we met was I able to change the weather or choose our settings and scenery or appear and disappear at will. It was Marx who had the authority to do those things, who always knew what would happened and when they would happen, who could call things into existence with the snap of his fingers and I... I was simply one of those things. I was just a figment of his imagination, a small part of his dreams.

                “Goodbye, Anne,” he said as he dissipated into thin air and for the first time, I could’ve sworn I heard his voice crack as he bid me farewell.  The patio and all the memories it held faded with him and all that was left was an eternity of while, followed by an ominous silence. This is how it all ends…

                “Hi, Miss Anne!” a perky voice startled me, jolting me from my reverie.

                … Or not?

;)

Your Letter by AW

I gingerly open the neatly folded letter. As I do, I often wonder how you manage to fold it with such precision. Was it a lot of practice? Or did you take the time to measure and calculate before folding it? I tried doing the same once and ended up taking a ridiculous amount of time to get it just right. Yet, you make it seem so easy, a piece of cake, how the end of one side of the paper fits in the slot perfectly.

I run my fingers over the words, YOUR words. My touch receptors somewhat manage to delay my sight receptors and for that infinitesimal second before my mind registers what I’m seeing, your handwriting is beautiful. Then as my sense of sight kicks in, a thought surfaces- it’s so ironic how both qualities, impeccably neat and atrociously messy, could be possessed by the same person. Then, a voice at the back of my mind quips,” That’s why he’s so intriguing and you like that about him. It’s the beauty of his complexity and the air of mystery he carries.” At that thought, my lips slide up into a smile.

I read your letter, but my mind doesn’t register the words. As of now, I just don’t recognize any of the words I’m reading. All that clouds my mind are thoughts of you penning down your thought onto this sheet of paper I now hold in my hands. My picture of you is ever-changing, because I don’t know for sure the conditions in which you’re writing this letter. Sometimes, I imagine you on your bed, leaning against your bed post, with a blue pen in hand and the paper on your lap. Other times, you’re sitting on a chair with your chin resting on the palm of one hand and in the other, you’re gripping the pen in the peculiar way that you do, brows furrowed in concentration, being careful to choose the right word, knowing full well that words matter to me.

A part of me wants you to fill in the gaping holes in my picture and yet, the other part wants to keep guessing, keep wondering, keep imagining, to keep constructing until I’ve painted the most magnificent picture of a man composing a letter in the wee hours of the night to his lover while draining the dregs of coffee from his mug.

I read the last 3 words separately, picking them apart from one another to analyse them. ‘I’, the ninth letter of the English alphabet, also a first person singular pronoun, means nothing without a verb to go with it. ‘Love’, a strong feeling of affection towards someone, meaningless if not addressed to anyone in particular. ‘You’, used as the subject of a verb or the object of a verb or preposition, like the other two words, is meaningless on its own. The three words when put together, however, segue so seamlessly into one another. ‘I’ and ‘you’, words so different in meaning, like totally different keys on the piano, with a word like ‘love’ as a transition chord, can flow smoothly from a C to an A flat, or even from a minor to a major. I take a deep breath and let it all sink in, not knowing when I’ll read of those words or hear them again.

With those words now etched deeply in the folded membranes of my cerebrum, I cautiously fold the end of the paper back into the slot, like the way it was before. I store it in my wallet so I always carry a piece of you with me. Cheesy, soppy, cliché, I know, but believe it or not, that’s something, I believe, everyone will experience at least once in their lifetime. Perhaps one day, I wouldn’t need to carry it around with me anymore. To be honest, I’m excited for that day and if you’re on the same wavelength as I am, you’ll share my excitement.