I really need it

I am currently researching home tuitions. For what subject? ACCOUNTS!! I just had my final exam today for accounts and I'm pretty sure I didn't do too well. I somehow knew what I had to do after though. I went up to my teacher and confessed. I told her that I would most likely fail the paper I just handed up. She looked doubtful at first, but after seeing her again after school in the teacher's lounge, I think she believed me. I asked her for help with looking for tuition teachers that could possibly help me. She tried, but nothing seemed to suit my already busy timetable. So, just before I left her, she suggested I try home tuition. I kinda liked that idea. She ended our conversation with "Saya rasa kamu bukan yang paling teruk la."

Yeah, I'm not the worst, but I'm not the best either. I can't even get an average mark, which is what I really need. I am an average academic student after all. I'm not giving up on this subject just yet!

I'm currently on www.hometuition99.com in search for a home tuition. It seems I am desperate and I could really use the help. I need it! I can't fail and give up so easily. It's not who I am, and definitely not who I want to become.

Back to my teacher(s). They have so much faith in me. Just looking at Puan Anis (My accounts teacher) and telling her that I'm about to fail her subject, just about broke me. I hate letting my teachers down. They voted me Murid Berwibawa for goodness sake! Did I mention my history teacher was sitting right there in front of Puan Anis and I? She was wondering why I looked so different. Most probably because I was wearing the look of 'failure', 'fear', 'shame' on my face. She just said I looked red. If only she knew she was the next teacher I'm about to disappoint. I am no good at History, Puan Zihan:( But I already have tuition for that so I just have to work harder...

SO FRUSTRATING!! I really want to look back at this and smile and ask myself why I worried so much or cared so much, but right now, I'm living this reality and there's no getting out of it. Just go with it, SAM!

All I know is, I can't forget the most important things in my life. Eg, My family, friends and the love they have for me. And let's not forget God who is still by my side no matter how lazy I've been and no matter how many times I seem to fail Him. His love carried me through it all:)

And Mummy, you're up there watching over me, just like you told me you would. I know you're there, you're always there:)