Words from the Publisher

Hey:) I know most of you are familiar with the writings of AW by now. This mysterious and fairly talented writer is a good friend of mine and I hope you've enjoyed her short stories. I'm hoping to convince her to write a storybook one day. Good idea, don't you think? I love AW. AW is like a sibling to me. We share everything with each other. At least that's what I'd like to think. Haha.

Aw encourages me to write my own material and I go for it. I know I may not be as good a writer as AW but I'll give it a shot. Our stories and the way of telling our stories are very different. The one similarity we have is that we write either from experience or feeling. Even if our stories are a mix of fiction and facts, we believe that a good story should be shared with as many people as possible. AW just chooses to be, well, anonymous...

On a personal note, I write only when I feel like it. Even if it seems insignificant and small to some, well, it will always hold some significance to me. The story that I'm about to publish in the coming week is without a doubt a personal one. It's not very well written, the language used is simple, but I'd like to think that you're able to relate to the characters like I know you do with the characters in AW's stories.

Even though I've said that the story is based on a true experience, please don't take too much of it to heart. It happened a long time ago. Everything is fine now. There will always be unresolved, unanswered questions in my mind I can't do anything about. But that's just something I've learned to live with. The story is told based on my side of the experience. Who knows what the other party experienced in the midst of my pain and confusion? I know for a fact that both parties suffered in their own ways. No party was innocent and was left unscarred. Believe me.

Maybe one day he and she will come clean. And I can tell the story the way it really happened. Down to every minor detail. Until I get a hold of the original story, I think I'll leave you with this.

They were too innocent to understand what they were feeling. Too young to have ever known love from someone besides their family and friends. It was no longer a platonic relationship. It was more than that. Every exchanged glance started a fire in both their hearts. They could never look away. ***He was like a beautiful miracle in her eyes. Who could create someone so magnificent? Someone that made her feel like she was invincible.*** He knew he was naive and immature. He knew he couldn't handle such a relationship, with such an amazing girl. She was like no other. This was no minor crush. But this also can't be love. "I don't know what love feels like..." How did a simple exchange of words come to this. A craving for someones presence you just can't let go of. A kilometer of a distance was already too much to bare. How could she let him go? But she did. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. How could he leave her? But he did. And he never looked back.

The Scar

She lay on her bed, stared up at the ceiling and counted thnumber of patterns she could find, a habit of hers when the world seemed like it was caving in on her. Though she was all too familiar with the patterns, it just seemed like the breath of fresh air she was gasping for, her perfect getaway. It wasn’t as if she was facing major problems, just one that was perpetually there- she felt small, and she despised it. She wasn’t small in the physically challenged sense- in fact she was quite the opposite- but rather unappreciated, insignificant and taken for granted. She closed her eyes and heaved a long sigh, hoping that her problems would just dissipate into thin air. At the thought of it, her lips curled up into a weak smile and then almost immediately, it vanished. Funny how the word ‘air’ seemed so light, she thought, and she knew exactly why. “Because problems just don’t simply disappear into thin air,” she said with an air of sadness. “Unlike me. To them, I just disappear without a trace and they don’t care, they never do. I guess they only have eyes for pretty girls.” A few wisps of suppressed envy were beginning to escape; to circle her mind looking for a place to lodge. -AW

   

    She got up from her bed and paced towards the mirror that stood on her dressing table. She looked into those hazel eyes, brimmed with sympathy that penetrated into the darkest corners of her life. The sorrow, pain, anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy, she could see it all. She was like a dying star, the weight of all her emotions engulfing the little dim light that had once been able to illuminate a room full of people. The incandescent glow from the warmth of her heart had reduced to a charred shell, black and cold. No one would’ve thought that a jaunty young lady like her would ever become so diffident. “That’s life. Expect the unexpected,” she said with a forced laugh as she held a pen in her hand. She inhaled deeply and with every ounce of strength, hauled the pen towards the mirror. She watched it shatter into pieces, just like her life. She bit her lip and broke into soft sobs. I’m going to end this once and for all, she thought. Her eyes darted from a shard of the mirror to her wrist. She picked up the shard, shut her eyes and…

***

    “I guess some days we die a little,” she said with a cackle as she sat on her rocking chair. Her grandchildren that gathered around her watched her, their eyes wide with shock, incredulous that their wise, old, wrinkly grandmother would have attempted suicide. “And then what happened next, gammy?” asked young Suzie earnestly. “Ahh, that’s for me to know, and you to find out,” she tapped Suzie’s nose and winked. “Who’s hungry? I made some scones!” called out a voice from the kitchen. “Ma, do you want some? I made extras.”

“No, no dear, you go ahead. I’m not very hungry,” she replied with a smile.

As the children scrambled to the dining table for the scones, she stared up at the ceiling once again. This time however, not because the world was enclosing on her, but as a sign of gratitude towards the Maker of heaven and earth because the world had seemed to open up as the years went by. She turned her gaze towards her left wrist. The scar from the slit brought taught her many valuable lessons that will always linger in her mind till the day she returns home. The scar reminded her of her foolish actions, her naïve thoughts, but most importantly, the love of her friends and family. While she conjured up all the times spent together with them, her lips slid up into a wide smile. She let out a wheezy laugh and fell into a deep, deep sleep.  

-AW

This isn't the story I promised, but I really hope you enjoy it. It's by AW :D that's definitely got to be a good thing. So give me your feedback and I'll pass it on to AW :) My story will be posted up by next week, I assure you... I think :P GBU readers!

What's real and what's not

Yay! I think I'm finally going to get my essay book back tomorrow. FINALLY! At least that's what I hope. *Sighs* I will get it back. The story of Arnold and Sandra. I'm sure some of you that are in on the story want to know what's true and what's false. My estimation is... 70% true and 30% fiction. This may come as a spoiler but I'll just tell you the parts that are true and false. Tomorrow, the FULL story will be up. It was a school English assignment, so I couldn't exactly write a whole storybook, nor tell you the WHOLE story IN DETAIL from START to FINISH but I think this essay says enough. On paper, it's 6 pages long. It may sound like a lot, but trust me, it isn't. I know that some people have read the last paragraph on Facebook. It was a joy reading all your comments. Haha. I just hope my story lives up to your expectations.

Ok, here goes.

• The way they met - True (except for some minor details)
• The charming comments exchanged - True
• Ask of the phone number - False ( h/p no. were exchanged further along the way of their friendship)
• The easygoing friendship - True
• The falling for each other - True
• The phone call (confession of the secret) - False (secret was told much earlier in their friendship)
• The get-together - True
• The moving away - True (but not that far *Canada was not involved*)
• The sudden breakup - False (already broken up when he moved)
• The new girlfriend - True (lines used in the phone conversation was all true*i thought it was a nice touch, no?*)
• The breakup with the new girlfriend - True
• The secret - True

The biggest false was that they never got back together. Arnold never went to see her alone in her room. But he did see her and paid his respects. The aftermath is nothing much really. Their friendship was already 99% gone. She did try to restore it repeatedly but as you can guess, it never worked out.

Characters used in this story may be reading this and I'm sorry. I tried to apologize as forward as possible, but certain characters wouldn't give me the chance to. So, I'm sorry. No feelings were meant to get hurt in the process of writing this story. Thank you and Goodnight.

Taylor Swift Medley

Now I've got AS. Anonymous singer pula. This girl ah....
Here's the mashup
Songs including: Superman, Speak Now, Forever and Always, Mine, Love Story, Today was a Fairytale, Hey Stephen, You Belong with Me

Tall Dark and Superman

He puts his papers in his briefcase and drives away

To save the world or go to work

It's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambition

I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him

And I hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say how are you

And I'll say, Just fine

I always forget to tell you I love you

I loved you from the very first day

Don't say Yes run away now

I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the backdoor

Don't wait or say a single vow

You need to hear me out and they said Speak Now

Cause I watched Superman fly away

You've got a busy day today

To save the world, I'll be around

I watched Superman fly away

Come back I'll be with you someday

I'll be right here on the ground

Till you come back down

I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called

And then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

Then you flash back to when we said forever and always

Oh back up, baby back up

Did you forget everything

Back up, baby back up

Did you forget everything?

Cause I remembered how we felt sitting by the water

(Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone)

And everytime I look at you, it's like the first time

(I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run)

You fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter

(You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess)

You are the best thing that's ever been mine

(It's a love story, baby just say yes)

Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Today was a fairytale

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you

Been here all along so why can't you see

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmmm...

Standing by here waiting at your back door

All this time how could you not know baby

You belong with me

You belong with me

I hope AS doesn't mind that I post the lyrics up. Here's the link for facebook. I don't know how to upload a recording on blospot. Hehe

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/video/video.php?v=1743287174836&comments&notif_t=video_comment

Hope you like it mom:)

Time is sometimes beautiful

Take a deep breath. Go for it, don't look back now, you're running out of time. Fate is chasing you. It's right at your tail now. No, don't turn back. Go... Go....

Don't go. Stop. Stare fate right in the face. Jump in. There is still time. Time does wait for someone. It waits for you. What is fate asking of you? Look closer, search deeper. Don't even blink. Listen. Have faith...

"I want you to stay. Speak to me. Listen to me. Try to understand. You're where you're meant to be. Feel what you're feeling. Don't push, don't hate. Tell her, him, God. Time is waiting for you. What are you waiting for?"

It's inevitable. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you.... To love me. To miss me. To need me. To want me.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. Always have been. Same as always. Minor differences. Make your decision now, before it's too late.


Let's figure this out together. Come and see me. Face to face. Here's where I want you to be. Face to face, with me.


Time is beautiful. You still have so much...

Every tear takes me one step closer to closure

You see her sitting there with a smile on her face. She wanted to see you. She was so happy to see all of you. She told you she had stories to tell you about her life. She wanted to share her life with you. Her little life stories. She is not perfect. Haven't you learned that by now. You knew her before she was even born. You knew her mother. You knew her after her mother passed away. She has always been the same person. The same girl. Sensitive, loving, and always trying to please everyone. Don't tell her to change. Don't tell her what she does is useless. Don't tell her she's useless. She tries her best. So, don't make her cry. But it's too late now isn't it. She has cried. She has swollen eyes. I have cried. I have swollen eyes.

Family lunch didn't go as planned today. One good thing that did come out of it? The food. Mildly good food. There was something else I learnt today that made me a pinch bit happier.

I miss my family. I mom's side of the family. I miss them. I call them. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. They call a family lunch. A regular family lunch. They ask the grandchildren questions about school. I, being the oldest tell them. Share my stories. Stories that bring joy to my life. They pay attention. But no sincerely good comment came out from their lips. Then comes my 10 days younger cousin. Erich. I'm sorry. I love you. You are a great cousin. But you are too much to be compared to. I do wish you weren't around sometimes but I know that's not right.

I tell them I'm class monitor. Erich is a prefect. I tell them I'm the secretary of Girl Scouts in school. Second highest post and ranking besides the two leaders. Erich is the head of the Science club. They are so proud. Of me? They pretend to be, but the looks they give him, they're priceless. He's a prize possession and I'm just the follow up. Being the oldest just makes things more difficult. I hurt and they don't even see it. Until I voice out, I hate it when my feelings have a voice of their own. I didn't even bother to tell them that I'm serving in CF cause that's what they care least about. Not my whole family are Christians. I wish they were, but they aren't. They have said that what I do for CF is pointless at times. I don't listen. I do not believe I spend too much time on my CF activities, I just talk about CF a lot because I feel so proud to part of it. Can't they see that? I guess not.

I voiced out. They pick on me. They don't mean to hurt me. Indirectly, they did. My eyes take on a mind of their own. First, they were just tears. Telling them, explaining to them that they have been looking down on me. My tears mix with sobs, I have difficulty breathing. That what I do is NOT useless. That I care about what I do. What department I serve in. I'm in the encouragement department in CF for goodness sake and I need encouraging. I feel needy. I feel like I need approval. I can't hold it in. I won't do it for you, for anybody. Let my cry. I don't need approval from my friends, from strangers. I want it from my family. The people I grew up with. The people I hug when I see them. The people who say they love me. Who tell me they'll be there for me no matter what. But I don't see them. I look around and I don't see them. They're nowhere close by. I have only my stepdad and my sister. The greatest thing that happened today involves my amazing stepfather.

He didn't say anything during my teary moment at the lunch table. But in the car on the way home. I questioned him. He answered in the most unexpected way. I can't quote his exact words but he said something like this. "Why do you listen to them? Why do you seek for other people's approval? You have to prove to them that you are not useless. They you can do great things. You have talents." I was thinking while he was speaking. "I love you. I needed to hear that from you. Mom, you married a good man. He is a great father. My sister and I are so lucky. I don't need to be Erich. I need to be me. Be who I've always been. Correct a few of my flaws if I can."

Throughout today, mom, you were on my mind. That's why it was that much harder to hold back my tears. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'm taking a deep breath now. I want you to hold me. Silly tears are taking over again. *sniff* Watch over me like you promised mom. I will see you again mummy!

You knew it, didn't you?

WeeHee!! You knew it mom, didn't you. Long before I knew I would like being in an arts class. Love you mom! I'm staying, even if the rest of my class wants to plead their case to go to Science. I wanted to do the same, but for all the wrong reasons. One week was enough for me to see that I belong here. And as the naib pengerusi pula. First time ever to be lantik! Could've been Pengerusi, but who wants that? *cough, yiqian, cough* Thank you qian:) Guys should be in charge anyway. Running around, losing wait, not that he has any wait to lose. I have more fats than he does. :p

I'm so glad I get to see most of my friends during recess, at Prayer Meeting!! And sometimes, if I'm lucky, Rayshell will drop by my class and we'll have a good time talking. Sadly, morning prayers have been canceled but who says we can't pray on our own? After school is a good time to catch up with friends too. Eg, Brenda, Andrew, Sean, Yiqian, Hanjiang, JasonWee, Tzekwang... Btw, big man says Hi. So nothing is as bad as I thought it would be. I did feel a little bit down on Friday. Mainly because quite a few number of classmates were offered science classes and they just up and took it. When they never even signed up for it in the first place. There are even more classmates that want to leave but haven't qualified yet for the classes. And when they go, I might be in an even larger social stigma than I was in before. But that's alright. I see that now.

I was mostly upset on the day because all the students were going on and on about how they have to discuss things over with their parents. When I heard that, it registered in me that I have no one to discuss this with. Not a parent I mean. I can discuss with my aunt, my uncles, my teachers, but not a mom or a dad. My stepdad's great, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to making decisions like these, it's all up to me. I chose to ask God about it and I strongly believe that I belong in arts. Pure arts. With additional mathematics, accounts and economics. Theses 3 subjects are fairly good for a good career booster. Pure arts doesn't mean I take any arts subjects though.

I am sharing lockers with yifen and brenda. 2 lockers for the 3 of us. We pray we get the green or the white ones. It would be so much more convenient for us. This locker installation is new this year. 200 lockers on a first come first serve basis. Hopefully we get them. Fingers crossed. My accounts textbook is huge! Right yifen? ;)

Resolutions are going fine so far. Let's look at some of the bad news we've gotten this year. TZE YI!!! Why are you leaving all of us for Australia?? Like not enough people have left already. Elaine's leaving too. :( I'm not leaving, yet. Not in many years to come. Do you want me to stay? hehe. Say yes or I'm going!! Just joking.

My family and I are coping just fine. But it's only the first week, not sure how well we'll be in another few weeks time. Keep praying. I know mom's watching us from above. Every move we make doesn't go unseen. Right, mom?

I'm looking forward to CF Camp so bad!! The dates are engraved into my skull. It's going to be unforgettable! Thank you for letting me serve in CF and CF camp guys! I'm so happy to be part of something so special. It'll be the event of the year. After the dreaded first terms.

Distractions haven't been a problem for us girls lately, chocolate's been a big part of our live this week. From gelato to twix, to boosts, to dove, to top, to mikybars. We can't seem to get enough. I'm not a big fan of chocolate but when necessary, I'll make an exceptance. Now, listen closely papa, I want jogging shoes for my sixteenth birthday!! Haha. Chocolate can cure you from cucumbers and carrots. And on occasion dance. (This, not all of you are supposed to understand;))

I have got to do the last of my first weeks homework. And tuition homework. Ahhh Add Maths!! Mr's D, you're getting ready for SPM wayyy too soon!

I'm never alone, and neither are all of you;)

I am terrible at maintaining my own blog. My anonymous writer is doing a better job than I am. I just thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you more about her and also inform you of what I may be posting about next year. Hehe:)

First of all, 'aw'(anonymous writer) is an amazing girl. I see her as more of a sister than a friend. We're closer than I ever thought we could be. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She is a true blessing from God. She's talented. Full stop. She has multiple talents. I can only name a few, to keep her identity a secret;) If that's what she wants, I'm going to give her that, until the day she's ready to show herself. She can not only write but she's also a talented pianist. That's all I can say, but believe me when I say that there's more to her than just these 2 talents. She is a hardworking student and she has a lot of patience. *Especially when it comes to me* She can listen to me go on and on about my life and advices me repeatedly. I hope I'm able to return the favors she's done for me in the future.

AW and I have not always seen eye to eye. We weren't always this close, despite knowing each other for almost 3 years. I wish I'd seen how great a friendship we could have had so long ago. I am glad we are friends now.

Mom, you know who I'm talking about;) I know you would've loved her:)

Okay, although I'm not as good a writer as AW, but I owe it to my readers/friends to write my own stuff. I write mostly about my family and friends. What I do during my free time and the silly random moments I experience with my friends and family. I want to learn to write as well as AW, she promised to coach me;) besides, other things she promised to help me with. She also promised that she'll keep me grounded especially when it comes to my studies, seeing I only achieved 3 As for PMR. Yes, I'm not proud of it and I know I didn't try my absolute best but I will try my best next year. I promise you. SPM is a crucial exam after all.

I thought I'd try my hand at writing stories but I'm afraid I won't be as good a writer as AW. She amazes me as well as all of you reading right now.

This year has been a tough year for me. There is a huge difference in my life this year and last year. Last year, I found myself to be mixing with the wrong friends and doing things that I'm not proud of. I don't regret though, cause I've learnt a lot from those mistakes. This year has not been easy, I know, but it's also been my best year yet!! I've learnt more life lessons that I bargained for. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and I've involved myself in extra curricular activities I'm proud to say I'm a part of. Being a part of the CF committee just makes me smile. Knowing I'm able to serve God in my school, WOW, now that's something to be happy about:) I know I also have to reach out to friends and family outside my school, and I will not forget that. I will definitely do my best.

I guess that's my resolution for the year 2011. Without knowing what I was writing, I've just listed all my new year resolutions. I never make a big deal out of them. But I think it's good to have a few small goals to reach for when starting a new year. Do better in school. *Have AW tutor me if I fail to catch up* Bond with my family and friends. Serve God in and out of school. Learn to write better. *I'm taking a creative writing class next year, I think, not confirmed* Oh, and one more. And this is for my girlfriends(Rayshell, Yifen, Brenda) out there. They know what it is before I even say it. We're not going to involve ourselves with boyfriends until we're at least 18. And to do that, we're staying away from platonic relationships. Look it up, I'm not going to repeat the talk we had with a facilitator at PJEFC. More than one. And for more than 2 hours. It was a good and productive talk, don't get me wrong, and we definitely benefited from it. I'm all for it, and so are my friends:)

Those are my resolutions. Hehe:) Here I come year 2011. I am not afraid. I have never been. With God by my side, I'm never alone, and neither are all of you;)

O Holy Night

Voices of carolers exuded a kind of warmth into the cold Christmas Eve atmosphere.  I buttoned up my winter fur coat and slipped my already gloved hands into my pockets. It was -17 degrees; this frigid temperature could not get any worse.  As I paced another candy-cane façade of the town, I couldn’t help but notice the number of lovers that passed me by. Linked arm and arm, I could see how elated they were. It seemed as if nothing in the world could take away that warm, fuzzy feeling bubbling inside them. Their faces seemed to glow, lighting up the streets with their incessant chatter. They were like pixies that left behind a trail of sparkle dust that scintillated under the Christmas illuminants in hopes that it would brighten up someone’s day. Had they found the one they were to spend the rest of their lives with? Only time will tell, I thought. Despite the Christmas decorations, the songs blasting from nearby shopping centers and the countless lovers that shuffled past with gifts in their hands, I simply just wasn’t in the mood for any of it. Perhaps it was because of the pain I had to put up with that caused me to lose my Christmas spirit all together.

I retrieved my hand phone from my right jeans pocket hoping to have received a miscall or at least a message. I stared at my Christmas themed wall paper only to find it staring back blankly at me as if to say, “What? Were you really expecting something from him?” My face fell, disappointment pressed onto every inch of it as I stuffed the phone back into my pocket.  I strolled past yet another group of carolers and finally stopped in my tracks, enthralled by the unison and the harmony of their voices as they broke into a song. I shut my eyes and took in a long deep breath of the chilled seasonal breeze, soaking in the familiar Christmas tune sung in 4 part harmony as if it would be of any comfort to the stinging pain in my heart. Surprisingly, it did, momentarily. My face became a picture of concentration as I tried my best to hang on to that feeling; that feeling of hope. Humming along to the chorus, I could feel the hurt magically peel away layer by layer, each line of the song conjuring up the past which I have yet to let go of. They jump up at me like snapshots, each click a painful memory.

A Thrill of Hope, The Weary Soul Rejoices. For Yonder Breaks, A New and Glorious Morn.

Click. Mom, dad and I, a happy family. Click. We’re decorating the Christmas tree. Mom and dad look at each other with so much love and joy in their eyes. Click. Mom and dad fight. Click. Dad comes home late. Click. He’s drunk again. I can tell from the way he’s unable to enunciate his words clearly. Click. Mom brings home a new guy she met at work. He has eyes, the green of the clear ocean, an aquiline nose, a set of straight teeth and not to mention his vast knowledge in the field of culinary arts. He is the paragon of Mr. Perfect, which woman in her right mind would choose to let him go? Click. Mom and dad sign the divorce papers and I never saw dad again after that. Although I am glad that mom is finally happy, I still long for us to be a family again. Black eyed peas, I second you, where on earth IS the love?

Fall on Your Knees, O Hear the Angel’s Voice. O Night, Divine, O Night, When Christ Was Born.

Click. I hear the booming sound of sirens. It’s coming from an ambulance. Click. It’s heading towards the hospital from my best friend, Lily’s place. Click. I rush to the hospital. Click. I see her parents. Their faces knitted with the worry that their daughter wouldn’t survive the asthma attack. Click. A doctor emerges from an operating room and heads towards her parents.  Their eyes are round circles of alarm and their cheeks are hollowed out with fear as the doctor delivers the life wrecking news to them. Click. The words “passed away” battered in our ears, pounded in our heads and drummed in our throats. Click. Her mom breaks down. The grey sullen sky outside seems to fit our dismal thoughts. Click. Hot tears blur my vision and trickle down my face as I reminisce the many good times we shared. Now all of it is but a distant memory. Why do the good die young?

O Night, Divine. O Night, O Night Divine.

Click. It’s Alex. Click. I watch him walk towards me from a distance. He completes the autumn sun set scenery that is displayed before me. Click. He’s got a mop of curly brown hair, deep maroon of mahogany eyes that dances when he talks, a cheeky smile that reveals his perfect teeth, soft lines at his jaw and a rugged physique. All in all, he has strong but striking features and an air of inquisitiveness he inherits from his father. Click. I welcome him with a loving embrace and he responds with a kiss that sends tingles down my spine. Click. He’s happy, I’m happy, we’re happy. Or so I thought. Click. I catch him flirting with another girl. Click. She gets into his car and they drive off into the night. Click. I call him up for the millionth time, but it goes straight to his voice mail. I sink into my couch and balled my eyes out to sleep. Splendid, just when I thought things were perfect. Click. I’m having breakfast at my favourite restaurant. I see him. Click. Our eyes meet. My body rigid with anger, my face full of rage and my eyes, on fire. Click. I pull out the ring he had given to me on our 1 year anniversary and slam it on the table. Click. I storm out. My complexion was now the colour of whey, my eyes, duller and troubled, every muscle and sinew tense by anger. Click. I cry again.

Just as the song comes to an end, the clock strikes 12 and fireworks shoot into the night sky to commemorate the birth of the little baby Jesus. They paint the dull sky with such fluorescent colours; I couldn’t help but stand amaze at the multi-coloured sky. I imagine each firework being one of my troubles. I imagine them being lifted into the sky and bursting to show their true colour. For the first time in a long time, I say a silent prayer and smile as the weight from my shoulders dissipate into thin air. Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I check the screen and feel a tear ooze out from the corner of my eye. “O holy night, indeed”, I manage to chuckle before I answer the call airily.

“Merry Christmas, dad! It’s about time you called…”

***

I'm helping my friend once again. She's quite the writer, don't you think. I'm really happy to help her out :) Give her your critisism and comments, please? She wants to improve and she can't do it without you. Thanks :D

New look

 I thought this would be fun. Hehe:) My aunt took some pics of me after my slight transformation. Just a short post to show you:)

My sis had a small transformation herself...

Mom, I hope you can see at least a bit of yourself in me. I'd really like that. Look at it this way, I never wanted to do anything with hair but perm it a little. I never want to colour it, highlight it, or straighten it. But I do like curls, and I know for a fact that you liked them too:)

I just can't sleep

I haven't been feeling well lately. Dad says it may be some kind of stomach flu or stomach bug... The point is, my stomach aches off and on without warning, leaving me to suffer not being able to move about as freely as I want. I can't laugh, cause it will hurt. I can't bend, cause it will hurt. Worst part is, I can't sleep!!

Okay, don't judge me on this. I felt like I needed protection. I felt like a helpless, sick kid that needed a parent to look after me. I haven't had that in a while. Some of you may know why. I'm quite alright by myself. I can't cook for myself and I definitely don't clean up after myself, but I don't like to bother anyone when I'm sick. For the past 3 years that my mom fought her cancer, whenever I got sick, I would often neglect to inform anybody, especially my family. Even if I did tell them, it would be like a light subject that I ran by them and I would never ask for any help. I usually prescribed my own medicine. Which included, warm water, honey water for a sore throat, everfessence for a mild flu, and if worse comes to worst, a couple of panadol pills for a fever(I do not recommend this on anyone, please don't try this at home.) My illnesses have been mild for most of my teenage life, so I never had to trouble anybody. I saw a doctor maybe once in 2 years?

But this year... I have seen a doctor twice already. First was sometime middle of this year. My tonsils got infected and that went on to cause me a slightly more serious fever than I would've liked. My dad had called in a favor then, to my youngest grandaunty to take me to see a doctor. Did I mention I have had abnormally large tonsils ever since I was a kid? That is not something I was or am very fond of, because everytime I saw a doctor about my tonsils, they all said the same thing. YOUR TONSILS ARE HUGE!! / THEY'RE LIKE KISSING TONSILS!! And I'd be like, I KNOW!! (In my head of course). I'd go on to tell them that it's been this way ever since I was a kid. Can't help it, can't change it, unless you remove it of course, but I don't want to get into that. That day was the same with my grand-aunt. He prescribed some medication including the oh so famous antibiotics and blablabla. I went home and did what the doctor had said. I rested and drowned myself with drugs and eventually got better.

Today, the sickness is different. It happened on Friday 26/11. It just happened out of the blue. At first we thought it was just food poisoning... So my aunt and older cousin from my dad's side gave me some charcoal pills that helped a few hours each day, but the pain never went away. So yesterday, my dad took me to see a doctor. I had, and still have no reason to trust this doctor but what choice did I have? He was this really really oversized man with a laptop and an iPhone laid out on his table to show off. He had this 'I don't care' expression on his face when he was asking me questions about my pain. My face was twisted with pain and he showed no signs of caring. He checked my temperature for a fever and used his stethescope to check my stomach? I've never had a doctor do that before. He pressed right where the pain was and I twinged in my seat. OWW!! To give a brave impression, I said nothing of course. Did I mention his laptop page was facebook and he had a green iPhone cover? That probably has nothing to do with his doctor's degree but I prefer having a doctor who shows a little bit more attention to his patients and at least puts on a pretend-to-care face instead of an expressionless one... He gave me the medicication and blablabla. You know the drill.

Okay, now back to the part where I don't want you to judge me on. I decided to sleep with my dad and sis in the master bedroom. It's a King sized bed so it can fit all 3 of us, but barely. I thought I'd feel safe there. More comfort. Having my dad watching over me like I was a little girl again. Having my sister hug me knowing that's the best thing she can do for me. Besides, I love her hugs. I love her. The first night was no fun at all. At that point, the pain wasn't that bad... yet. The reason I couldn't sleep the first night? Mom, it's you.

I slept on the right side of the bed. Next to it is the hospital bed that my mom used to sleep on. I put the teddy bear I gave to her just a few months ago on it, along with my usual medication and a bottle of water. I stared at it and teared. I realized then, that I wasn't going to get any sleep at all that night, if I was lucky, maybe just a few hours. I kissed papa and kaela goodnight and went back to my thoughts of her. The most vivid thought was her stroking my hair when I used to lie there in the afternoon, the way I was lying there that night, just in a slightly different angle. She would talk to me about my day in school and always said to be strong no matter what happens. Her stroking my hair and me cuddling up to her was my 'manja time'. I'm not embarrassed of it. That may be the only thing stopping me from regretting all the times I didn't spend with her when she was alive. I had a million thoughts in my head. Repeating every image of her I could think of. Tears ran down my cheeks, for the second time in her room. The first was the day I got back from school and saw her motionless body lying there. The day I should've skipped school.

The 2nd night, was when the pain got worse. This was a totally new level of pain for me. I usually say I have a high tolerance for pain, but I think I can no longer say that. That night I thought of mom again. But this time no tears. It was like she was comforting me and helping me get more rest, and I did. The pain was unbearable at times but I went back to sleep soon afterward. The 3rd night was just last night. Although I had just seen the doctor and taken all medication as told the pain was worse. My aunt said it was normal. It was 'cleansing' my stomach... Doc said I was dehydrated and had some sort of food poisoning, not a very doctorly opinion if you ask me. I didn't sleep for the first few hours, staring blankly at the empty hospital bed next to me, tossing and turning, cringing at my stomach at every little move I made.

The word in my mind has changed. It's no longer, 'She's gone'. It's 'Mom'. Just 'Mom'. I feel like I'm calling her in my head. I want her arms around me telling me it's going to be alright. Even in her last days on Earth, her skinny arms still made me feel safe. I should've kissed her more and showed more affection instead of being the typical teenager she said I would grow up to be when I was little. It's too late for all that now. I repeat that word in my head, I'm not sure why. To keep her with me? To hear the sound of my voice in my head saying a word I will never say again? Or maybe just to remind myself that I have a mother watching over me.

I love you, mom. And I am getting better. I finally got my braces off and I'm sure you can see my straight teeth from above:) I'm not sure why I permed my hair, maybe it's cause I wanted to be more of a mother's daughter. I always thought you were pretty with curls in your hair, so, I wanted to do that too. I haven't had a dream of you yet, and other relatives have. Why is that mom? I want to see you in my dreams. I promise not to be scared...

How to make your dad happy

 Let him look at cars in a showroom at the mall. He just loves that.



That's not all we did, mom.

 Guess who's leg is who's? Hint: My sister takes after her father a lot. These are her shoes by the way...

Italiannes' food comes in a big portion. If you ever go there, I advice you share your food with someone, like I did with my sister. Unless you're my friend Tze Kwang. He doesn't even have to skip a meal to finish this. He's just your typical food lover:)

Love you, mom:) We made papa smile today