My mother once told me that when she went to heaven, she would come back to visit me in the form of a white butterfly. That was 5 years ago. Now I'm 20 and I still look out for white butterflies wherever I go.
In the blink of an eye, they had moved on. It doesn't matter how they moved on, what they did, who they moved on with. It matters when they moved on. NOW. They have both moved on.
Gone was the skepticism if what they had was real, if what they had was worth it.
Gone were the questions of who cared about who more, who was invested and who was just in it for the ride.
Gone were the days of missing each other, the days of remembering past moments.
In the meantime, my "moving on" process is well, moving on ;) I feel stronger and stronger every day. I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I'm meeting new people and showing them who I am. I no longer want anyone to define me, nor will I ever allow that to happen again. I define myself. I will tell you and show you who Samantha really is.
You really never know what's gonna happen tomorrow unless you live it. Right now, living my life day by day is turning out just fine for me :)
I recently met a friend who I feel could use a quote like this one:
PS, he's a really amazing 23-year-old friend that I think should learn to smile more :)
In a letter of three pages, I did. Now it just depends on whether he accepts it or not, whether he reads it or not.
The hurt seems to never end. It's like punishment after punishment. Reminding me of all the bad decisions I've made, all the temptation I let get to me. I know I deserve it, so I'm taking in all this hurt. I'm embracing it.
"Who knows? Maybe 8, 10 years down the road..."
God knows. My life is in His hands. That's all I have to remember. No more trying to choose my own paths just because I have "feelings" and "emotions".
As me, I have to say some things before it's too late. Forgive me if I'm out of line, if I'm not who you thought me to be. I'll always care for those who broke my heart just a little more. Just remember that.
"It's in the way he touches me; the subtle things he does that don't go unnoticed by me. I know what he's doing. He's not doing it to hurt me. He's doing it because there's a part of him that hurts too. How can I possibly be mad at him for that? How can I fault him for having a heart?"
"You can't be 100% certain he has a heart. Look at what he's done to you. Remember the tears, remember the appetite loss, remember the sleepless nights."
"Do you think I've forgotten all of that? Not a day goes by that I don't remember what heartache feels like; what that particular heartache felt like. It's his eyes. I've remembered those eyes. That's one thing he can't hide from me. I still have access to those eyes, at least while he's still here. He may talk a lot, but his eyes say more to me than he will ever know. I know. I know how he feels. He's not heartless."
She needed to get out of there. She needed to find him.
"What are you going to do now that you're older?"
Who was he now that 2 years had come and gone? A roughneck working at an oil rig company? Had his small petite body become strong? And was it full of scars just like she knew his heart was?
She loved that small petite body. She loved the boy he was. She was not sure she would love the man he had become.
After leaving him that morning, she roamed a foreign yet familiar place. She somehow ended up in an underground carpark, desperately looking for a way out. She was also not alone. Her dad and sister were with her. Playing the role of the obedient daughter and loving sister suddenly felt suffocating. She really wanted to find him. She needed to find him.
She knew he was in the building. She just knew it. She ran when her family wasn't looking. Her footsteps kept picking up their pace.
Lights. She saw lights.
It was a beautifully lit up outdoor cafe. The lights streamed the roof overseeing a sea of couples on nicely set up rustic chairs and tables. She still felt short of breath. Panting slightly, she finally looked up.
He was walking towards her. Out of his dirty white t-shirt and jeans, he was wearing a formal shirt and looking as handsome as ever.
Into his arms she ran. Without thinking, she just kissed him; and this was a finished kiss. Everything else around didn't matter. The people didn't matter. The scenery didn't matter, though it was a beautiful scenery.
After a while, he sat down in one of the chairs. She sat on his lap. This was an intimate moment. This was their intimate moment. He was stronger now. She felt it in the way he held her tight to his body. Pressing kisses into her hair, forehead, skin. They kissed again and contentment washed over them.
"What are you going to do now that you're older?" he asked.
She had no answer. She just looked at him.
So what if they were 2 years older? Had things really changed? Did they really have anything in common? Was this worth it?
So many unanswered questions. That's when she chose to wake up. For the first time ever, she could control when she woke up from a dream. So she chose to wake up with questions left unanswered. The one thing she told herself she would remember from the dream was this: She saw lights.
Let's go back, shall we? Back to a place where innocence still existed. A place where I could stare in awe at the stars in the sky and smile.
When I said hello to February, I did not expect to say goodbye to something, or rather someone I had become so accustomed to. It's tough, saying goodbye.
But I'm going to start March off with a whole new perspective. I would listen to you, but you're not talking. You don't want me it seems. So, I'm starting March Innocence. It doesn't matter this time that I'm running. You're not gonna catch me, I know that now. So don't you dare tell me not to run anymore. I stayed and fought for you. I'm still fighting against all I know is good for me. The difference is, this time I can run as fast and as far away as I want.
Funny how the tables have turned, huh? I didn't lead you on. You led me on. Good going, peasant.
It is time to turn over a new leaf. It is time to change my ways. It is time to find God once again. It is time to walk the path He has set out for me. It is time. NOW IS THE TIME.
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay
It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
And I want you to stay
Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh
My new addiction. This song just gets to me. I want you to stay. Please. Stay with me.
She walked with confidence through the sea of men who had their eyes trained on her. Her eyes showed no intimidation. Her smile was relaxed. Her walk was strong. Her breathing was labored.
Her brain on the other hand, was another story. For a young, healthy woman such as her, no one would guess that she was more than just a pretty face. She had a history of blood clot removals from her brain. If she trusted you enough, she'd part her hair just enough to show you where the scar ran deep in her skull. But on her usual days, she'd cover it up with her heavy mass of brown locks.
Now she stood in her black stilettos. All eyes were still on her. I don't think anyone in the room would mind if she hadn't spoken, they would just be content with admiring her head-to-toe beauty. But she began to speak...
"I am the woman I am today because I believed in God; because I believed in salvation; because I believed in redemption; because I believed in me."
She... she was a woman in stilettos. So, next time you see a woman in stilettos, don't be too quick to judge. She could just be holding her head up high, like the rest of us women out there. And maybe, just maybe, the stilettos she's wearing gives her the confidence she needs to conquer the world.
So, pictures of couples on tumblr don't bother me anymore. Take a wild guess why...
My priorities are straight. I'm on track with all my assignments and homework. My family relationships can't be any better or stronger. I'm trying my best to be a good friend to anyone and everyone who needs me.
I am responsible.
And very, very happy :)
Contentment
: 'acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity.' The level of capacity reached may be sought after, expected, desired, or simply predetermined as the level in which provides contentment.
I'm content. I've reached my level of contentment. Now, I just hope it lasts for a long, long time.
In the meantime, you've got to watch this :) This is only the trailer but if you try hard enough, you can find the full film online.
I miss you, mummy. Now more than ever. I was just reminded again how you're constantly watching over me. Thank you. I love you, mummy <3
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