To Single Fathers with Daughters

When she goes through heartbreak...

She may not want to talk. She most probably won't come to you willingly. The most she would do is sit by your bedside and mind her own business. When this happens, know that she's just looking for a companion. She just wants to know that someone is there. You don't need to talk. You don't need to do much. Just sit there. Sit there as she reads a good book, as she plays games on her phone, as she works on her assignments or homework. This lets her know that there is at least one man she can count on to be by her side. It may not seem like much, but with you just sitting there, she can feel your love and care for her. She knows. Trust me, she knows you love her.

He prayed

He prayed for me. He asked God to show me how to take care of myself, love myself once again. He asked that I feel loved every day, every hour and every second of my life.

He prayed for the healing of his aunt's eye surgery, his sister to be happy and his parents' financial issues to be sorted out.

He prayed for my family. He asked that my currently sick father would get well soon and that my sister would strive in her studies.

He prayed. And I could not feel more blessed for the gift of him. 

Share my bed

I can't wait till the day that I fall asleep in my bed after a long tiring day. With no insecurities to make me wonder if you're coming home that night. I know you'll be coming home. My breathing heavy and my lids sealed shut. All tucked into my white linen sheets.

You'll come home to me. Open that room door and stop in a moment to look at me. You'll smile and head for the bathroom to wash up. Then, depending on the weather; maybe you'll decide against a shirt. Lift the quilt covers and start climbing into bed beside me.

As the light sleeper I am, I'll slowly open my eyes in hopes of catching a glimpse of you through my heavy lids. You're still a vision to me as I am to you. I too, need that moment to stare. You smile that beautiful smile at me.

Finally, you climb in beside me and nudge me to my side of the bed. And as you have to do so often, you pull the covers over both of us and start whispering in my ear, "It's not your bed dear, it's our bed."

And I am reminded once again that I no longer have to ask you to share my bed, because it is now our bed. Our bed that we will share for as long as we both shall live. As husband and wife. As one being in Holy Matrimony. One day, this will be us.

I love you Jason Lee Jia Wei, I always will <3

Butterflies

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. 2 months actually. Hmmm... Semester 3 has really taken up a lot of my time. Gotta keep up my grades right? Anyway, I stumbled upon this quote and had an idea for a short post. Hehe. 

I wonder if Walt Disney thought of a double meaning when he said this quote. Because when I read it, I had 2 views on what it meant; to me at least.

If nothing changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Everybody has to change sometime. The way they look, the way they act. Everyone matures in their own time. Growing up is a beautiful thing. You grow and learn who you want to be as a person. Who you are. I know a lot of us hate growing up. Responsibilities start to pile, experiences accumulate and not all of them are pretty; but we all grow up. Time waits for no man. We just need to see things a little differently. We need to know that growing up is a good thing. We need to change in order to reach our full potential. Become who we were meant to become in this world. Change into a butterfly :)

If nothing changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Situations have to change. Circumstances change.To keep a relationship alive, things have to change. Take a family relationship for instance. To keep family happy, sometimes we have to change our perspective, give in to an argument because it's not worth losing a loved one over a disagreement. In a friendship, we have to change the way we think. Some of us may be quick to judge, when we should be quick to accept everyone's flaws. A healthy friendship is a happy one. In a romantic relationship, atmosphere needs to change in order to keep the love alive. Never stop trying and showing your special someone you love them. All these changes are necessary to have a beautiful relationship will all the important people around us. Then, we can all keep the feeling of butterflies in our belly, the feeling of happiness when around the people we love :)

Holding On and Letting Go

It's the concept of standing under the rain and facing the palm of your hands upward to catch raindrops in your hands; to hold on to that raindrop or let it slide pass your fingers. It's cold out but I can't bring myself to find shelter. I can feel my body weaken as I continue to take this position under the pouring rain. I'm soaking wet now but I'm not leaving this place of solitude under the rain until I've learnt my lesson.

Holding on
Insecurities work both ways. She is not the only one feeling insecure. He has insecurities too. The beauty of their relationship is the honesty and vulnerability of each promise made to one another, like a vow made between husband and wife. The tears, the rage, the laughter, the smiles... When he says, "I'm not gonna leave you" in more tones than one. He can say it like he's sad, he can say it like he's mad, he can say it when he's overjoyed and he can say it when he feels content. He will mean it every time, in every way. When she tries to be strong and thinks the worst of what could or could not happen, she hurts him. So, her transparency matters too. In the end, this is what they're holding on to. They're holding on to each other, to the love and promises made, to the pain and the hardships faced, to something beautiful.

Letting go
Bonds of a few months to a few years can be strong enough to hurt you. Especially when someone lets go of that bond you thought would be there forever. The pang of guilt she feels when she looks back and thinks she didn't do enough in the friendship to keep it going for more than 3 months or 4 years. Where did the feeling of security go with these amazing people who once meant the world to her, and somehow someway, still do? To hold on and hurt whenever a smile isn't returned, or a message not replied; or let go and let it be a thing of the past? Just like raindrops that slide down your arm, they will disappear; and I know one day, these feelings of hurt will disappear too...eventually. The question is, is this really the time to let go? Is letting go the answer to her problems?


My week in a nutshell.

Ever-changing

"It's just hard to believe that all of this...is my reality now. So much has changed. I still remember being a little girl. My mommy's little girl. I glance at something from my past and I remember the joy, the pain, the memory it gave me. I wear hand-me-downs from my mother and remember her arms wrapped around me. I brush my hair every morning and remember how she used to comb her fingers through my hair. I hum an old song and remember the first song I ever learnt how to sing -Amazing Grace. I open my closet and look at my little girl dresses and remember how small I was; how innocent I was. So much has happened since then. I know things now I wish I didn't. I've been through hard times that I never imagined could happen. And through all of this, I'm pretty sure I've changed. What if I've lost myself? What if I've lost that happy little girl? What if my lack of innocence affects my entire future? What if..."

I challenge you to look yourself in the mirror. Look at the man or woman you have become. The man and woman you are today. What do you see? Do you see someone you're proud of? Are you afraid of losing yourself like I am? Are you scared that you've changed into someone you don't even know anymore? Ask God who you are, who He wants you to be. I feel so insecure sometimes. My happiness is sincere but that doesn't mean I don't have fears. Fears that have me thinking through my days and nights. No one is perfect and my life certainly isn't. This life is an ever-changing experience. As we grow, we tend to change...and that's okay :) I will continue to change, but I'll be okay as long as I don't forget. Remembering is important, so I remember. I remember everything.

I miss you mom, I really do. Watch over me as I grow into the young woman you've always wanted me to be. I love you with all my heart and don't ever think that I've forgotten about you. I always remember to think of you. And like you said, "Don't forget to remember me." And I never will.

Happy

I am 100% happy. Right here, right now; I am in the moment, run-in-the-rain happy. I don't mind if it costs me a week of flu and fever. I'm gonna celebrate the joy God has once again showered upon me. Praise Him and only Him for this feeling of contentment and happiness :D

2nd semester results are out! After feeling condemn and judged by some, this was my moment of truth. I know I don't have to prove myself to anybody, but the urge to wanna do my best will always be inside of me. As we Chinese like to say: "KIA SU AH!"

As you can tell, I have to had received good results to be happy and in fact, I did! Although, the more appropriate word to use is SATISFIED. I truly believe that this semester went better than the last. I made better decisions and I understood what I wanted more than I did before. This semester definitely had its ups and downs as well, different challenges but challenges nonetheless. But in the end, God was sovereign over all. I'm 100% certain He did not only bless me but many others around me. From what I've observed on twitter, many others achieved satisfying results as well. All I hope for is that they glorify His name with them just like I plan to. No one deserves the credit more than He does.

Just like last semester, I was going through a hard time during my exam period. It seems to be a trend, doesn't it? I made a decision to follow my heart and in turn, I felt guns being pointed at me, knives stabbed into my back and enemy lines drawn all around me. Tears I never expected would be shed were my companions to sleep for 2 nights. Long story short, I felt like I lost some dear friends and that is not an easy fact for me to accept. I hate losing people. I feel like I've lost so much already, people I hold dear especially; so this hurt me more than I could have expected. On a positive note, I felt my family giving me the support I needed. High school friends reminding me that they're still always there for me. Self-made family in college that pushed me to be stronger and just plain old friends who never left my side through it all. Oh, and a special someone who had to experience the hurt with me but urged me to study and work hard through the pain; and study we did.

Prayers to the Lord is and always will be my way of getting through a difficult situation. Pray when you're happy, pray when you're sad. An interesting story is that due to this uncanny incident of lost of friendship, I gently asked my special someone to pray with me for the first time. He was hesitant at first but he of course, agreed. It made my heart grow even more for him. And just 2 nights back when I was having a hard time with a personal issue and had trouble falling asleep, he was the one who suggested prayer to me. That night will go down in history for me. I really hope that this beautiful sharing of prayers between 2 people continues throughout the rest of our relationship together. I can only pray for the best and have patience that God will heal all wounds in time. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life right now because in this moment, I am happy. God is love. Therefore, my relationship will not have God absent from it ever. Nor will I ever stop praising His name every time something wonderful happens to me :)

My results below should amount to a GPA of 3.8 (Distinction) Hehehehe *insert smile here*

3 As & 2 B+ for this semester alone

I hope I made you proud too mummy! I love you! <3

My battle to fight

I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while. Nor have I ever cried for hours straight. I'm not that girl. I will tell you who I am though. I'm the people-pleaser. I must have everyone like me or die trying. From what I heard, it's something I got from my mom. I now understand why she was pushed around so much. Why people took advantage of her and stepped all over her. I don't like to upset people. I like to find a way so that everyone is happy. If you think that I'm just telling you a bunch of lies, then you don't know me well enough and you should probably stop your reading here.

She has so many friends. Friends who she believes genuinely cares. Friends she would never hurt on purpose. Friends she hoped would stay with her till the end of time. But somehow, she feels hurt. She knows of the whispers behind her back. The shared secrets, the laughter. She knows she may have unintentionally hurt them, but she never expected to feel hurt back. Some advice was given to her today. It wasn't really advice, but something a father-figure would say to his daughter.

"Your friends care for you. They advise you. That's what friends do. What they may not understand is; even though they're intentions are good, wanting you to learn from their mistakes, you are still going to have to walk your own path and be certain that you will face hardships and you will get hurt. But that's you. It's your life. How come what they said could hurt you so much?"

"Because they mean something to me. They're my friends. I care for them too. I don't want them upset. I want them to be happy. But what I chose to do did not make them happy. I hurt them. I most probably don't deserve them."

"How about your happiness? You see, there are two ways this thing could go. It either doesn't work out, or you live happily ever after. There is no guarantee, but how will you know unless you put yourself out there? At the end of the day, you don't want to live your life saying I should've done that. Even if you've had bad experiences, you learn from them. But if you regret something that you've never tried, you can't even learn from that. Look at it this way, if it doesn't work out, you learn; if it does work out, you are happy. Don't you want to be happy? Because what's important now is you. Not him. Not them. Consider yourself and your immediate family. Honestly Sam, if they were your friends, no matter how many mistakes you make, they wouldn't leave you. Would you judge them? Even if they didn't take your advice? Would you judge them or support them and then be there for them in the end? You answer that yourself. If they want to walk away, let them walk. But I have a feeling that if you are truly happy and they can see that, they will learn to accept it."

Fighting a battle full of emotions and learning to be strong. Strengthening my faith with him and friends who are willing to stay by my side through thick and thin.

Thank you God for all the blessings you've given me already. I know you wouldn't throw me a battle I couldn't handle. And thank you for giving me family and friends as blessings in disguise :)

Love you, mummy! <3

Freedom

2 months! I haven't blogged in 2 months. I blame 2nd semester. But now, 2nd semester has officially ended! Woohoo!:D

Although it's only about 3 weeks of freedom, I'm just glad that I have some time to myself for a while. Also, time to spend with family, friends and that special someone.

"It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee."

Look how we've grown!

2nd semester of college is really stressful. I barely have any time to myself! To be honest, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but hey! A girl needs time to breathe okay? One week of assignment due dates have passed which means, a slightly more relaxing weekend. Assignment are still piling in but a couple of friends and I managed an afternoon out for an impromptu photoshoot. The only sad thing is that our dear friend, couldn't make it :( We really wished she was there with us. Anyway, enjoy some of my personal favourites from the shoot :)

<3

Hello May

So... I'm in the midst of my second semester and I think everything is going well. There's so much uncertainty lately I'm not even sure if everything is supposedly "fine".

Enough with the self pity. It's almost the end of the first week of May. Time sure does fly by, huh? Like I said previously, I'm focusing on family, friends and studies. Everything is on track, which makes it a little weird for me, really. I don't want drama in my life, trust me. I had enough of that in my first semester. But if I were to be honest, I can always find some form of drama somewhere in my life. The difference now is, I've learnt how to handle difficult situations better. At least I think I have...

I admit, I let a recent realization get to me a little. My so called previous "relationship"? Yeah, I found out he moved on. Upon knowing this, I thought to myself: Part of the reason we decided to part ways was because he was leaving the country in July. So, what is he doing with someone else in Malaysia? This just confirmed for me the liar he really was. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven him for not being the best person there for me. I've moved on from him. But I have to say that I haven't fully moved on from the decisions I made in the past. Especially the decision to actually pursue something with someone like him. Like I said before, he's not a bad person, but he isn't the best person. And he definitely was not good for me. I learned my lesson there at least.

Another recent interesting event that happened had to do with my friends embarrassing me. So, I pointed to a guy I thought was cute in the college cafeteria like my friends so often make me do. Before I knew it, they went over there to talk to him, embarrassing me into the next century. What happened next was worse than you can imagine. He refused to come over and talk to me despite my friends' unrelenting pursuing that he do just that. They came back with the so called "bad news" and all I could think was to hide my face and apologize for the harassment I just put that poor boy through. My friends just have to understand that I'll be ready for a relationship when the time comes and things like this cannot be pushed or forced. Oh! The cute guy's name is Sam! Can you believe it?:P Here comes the good news... He replied to my Facebook apology message and made my day! I still think he's cute by the way. Hehe;)

Assignments are piling up. Due dates are getting closer. I'm worrying but I know nothing is impossible with Him in my life. A new friend reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 just yesterday. I really needed that reminder, so thank you :)

Looking forward to a better month ahead, not that April was bad. April was fairly kind to me actually and I thank God for that :) My May wish? For God to show me the plans which he has in store for me. I really don't want to be making anymore decisions without praying about it first, without knowing that this is what God really wants me to do. I just joined KDU's Christian Fellowship and I'm really looking forward to my first meeting on Wednesday. God truly is good in so many ways, and I'm just glad I get to worship Him wherever I am. Even in college :)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Long gone, moved on, but staying strong

I think that says it all. New semester, new friends, new start :)

I came into my first semester of college with a senior at my tail. I was blindsided for the first 3 months of my college life, but I'm not going to let that happen again. Despite going through that rough patch of falling into temptation, of chasing things that were not good for me, I made it. I ended my first semester with straight As. Yeah, that's right! With God, ANYTHING is possible.

Exam week was the same week I was crying over a ridiculous break up. I would study and take "crying breaks". After each paper I sat for, I literally went home and cried. I was only able to hold it together long enough to finish up an exam paper. That is why I really praise God for the results I managed to achieve. Do you know how amazing it is to say that I conquered a hardship AND managed results I can glorify His name with? It is truly something I will shout out at the top of mountains. God is so good, and all glory goes to Him. Only Him.

As for the boy who I let get to me, I only want the best for him and his family. I can only pray that one day, he will come to know my God. I want God to touch him and change his life the way He has changed mine. This boy is not a bad guy. He just made a mistake. I made a mistake. But God is ever forgiving. Ever loving. I want God's love to touch this boy. I want him to want to know about God. About His Son. About His ultimate sacrifice. About His grace.

It's the start of my 2nd semester in college. I'm meeting new friends, new lecturers, learning new things. I was so afraid that I would be marked by the decisions I made in first semester, but I'm not. Some may judge me, some may condemn me and make up their mind about me without even knowing me, but I know that there are those out there who don't. Who don't judge me, who will take the time to get to know me for me. And for that, I am truly grateful. I feel truly blessed :)

For a little while, I forgot to believe. I let my emotions get the best of me. But this experience had its purpose. I don't think I would've pushed so hard to succeed in my first semester if it wasn't for everything that had transpired. At that time, I was telling myself that since I sucked at relationships, everything else in my life had to be perfect. I then came to realize that that's not necessarily true. I just really have to try my best and keep believing in the strength God has put in me. I ventured into uncharted territory, had my heart broken and came out alive. I hope that whoever is reading this will remember that he or she is a strong person. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Our God is so merciful, so good. He won't give you a hardship you can't get through. He provides. He loves. He loves you. Jesus loves you.