He's mine

He did the sweetest thing today. First of all, supporting Pandu Puteri Renjer (Girl Guides) by buying the items we're selling. As the so called "Unit Leader", I was trying to persuade several of my classmates to support us. But my brother... My brother, my brother, my brother.

"I want to be the last to order"

Alright then. So, I gave him the order sheet of paper last, just before school ended. In it, he slipped a piece of A4 paper with the money in it.

"Don't open it until you get home"

Okay... But guess what I found that made my day... :) My (self-appointed) brother made an order (anonymous of course :P) to a girl named Samantha Koh from 5 Meranti. A vanilla cupcake and one of the 5 uniquely designed badges courtesy of Lim Yi Fen.

Here's why the order made was even more special. Vanilla, because the only other choice was chocolate. And anyone who knew me well would know that chocolate for me is like depression, because I only eat it when I'm in a bad mood. So, vanilla was perfect. But the badge... Of all the badges, he made the perfect choice, and I don't use the word 'PERFECT' often. He bought the one that read "Some things are just worth waiting for <3" :)

My heart might as well have melted then. He didn't write a note to be attached to the gifts, but the A4 paper he used to wrap the money in, it said this :

"Happy Valentines Day Sis :) Have Fun :D"

He seldom admits to being my brother and caring about me and vice-versa. But this small gesture truly made my day. I know it ruins a little bit of the surprise element because I'm one of the people in charge of this project, but either way, my brother made me one very happy girl. And I am so proud that he's mine.

(This makes more sense when I tell you that he has no actual sisters and I have no actual brothers. So we compromise with each other. :) One heck of a compromise huh ;) Love you lil' bro! <3 

The reason why

The reason why I have no problem coming up with new stories for my English essay assignments. Cool, don't you think? ;)

Ask me how, and I'll gladly share my secret with you. I will try and make you go "WOW!" :D

Story time every time! Hehehehe

Remember Quoting him?

Quoting Winnie The Pooh

My imagination

I imagine him single. I imagine him thinking of me. I imagine him counting the days to when he gets to see me next. I imagine him calling me. I imagine him at my doorstep. I imagine him staring me in the eyes. I imagine him holding my hand. I imagine him holding me. I imagine him dancing with me. I imagine him laughing at my jokes. I imagine him smiling at the sight of me. I imagine him telling me I'm beautiful. I imagine him with me.

In reality, he's taken. He is not thinking of me. He doesn't look forward to seeing me every week. He calls me for professional reasons. He doesn't know where I live. He looks at me for short periods of time. He's not close enough to hold my hand. He's holding someone else. He's dancing with her. He laughs at my jokes, but turns his attention somewhere else right after. He smiles and gives me a friendly hug when we meet. He tells me I'm a good friend. He accompanies me, but as a friend.

I can't say he belongs with me, but right now, I can't imagine being with anybody else. But he's just a big part of my imagination. A huge part actually :/

Wrong again

Have you ever picked the wrong key and use that key to open a door?

It's like picking the wrong guy and letting him in. It's wrong.

Why do I keep attracting the wrong guys? The bad influences? The bad boy. Of all the fishes in the sea, I pick the worse of the worst. Okay, so maybe they aren't that bad. 

I can't keep picking up the wrong key. I look forward to the day when the right key is used to open up my heart. I'd gladly let the right boy in then. You just gotta have the right key.

Who has the key to your heart? ;)

Away you go

"Untouchable like a distant diamond sky"

You are more than untouchable. You are forbidden territory. I mentioned uncharted territory before, but this is an all new level for me. Forbidden. Maybe I take things too seriously, but you take things too lightly.

I thought I was done with surprises. I thought we were done with surprises. Why'd you have to go and do that? I wasn't asking to hear your voice. I wasn't asking to see you at all. But one phone call and my judgement is clouded.

"NO!! GO. AWAY."

Can't you see that I have feelings? Whether they're for you, and you only, I will never admit. I thought I was on the road to the land of numb. Not feeling anything. Instead, I'm returning from that land and heading for the land of stupidity. 

"What? Now I have to act stupid so you can feel better bout yourself?"

Stay away. I need you to stay away. Once you do, my mind and my heart will get the hint and back off. They've hurt me. I'm not gonna let you do the same. You will have no pleasure of doing so. Besides, like Kelly Clarkson once said in her songs "No, I don't cry on the outside anymore." 

-Behind These Hazel Eyes

Now, away you go to the part of my mind where I only think about when I'm reminded to love my enemies. Forgive people who have hurt me. Thank them for the lesson I've learnt. That's where you'll be. So, don't come looking for me anymore. You hear?

Turning pages

My life feels too much like an open book now. But I'm not shutting the covers. I'm just gonna continue turning the pages. Line after line. Word after word. You'll get it... soon enough.

No more

No more numbness. No more straining. No more manipulation. No more work. I'm done. I'm just going to close my eyes for a short while and go back to the times when I felt... something. If only she were still here. She'd make me feel alive. She always did. She's my mother. The most amazing mother in the world. Now who do I have to talk to that would reply the same way she would've? Absolutely nobody. She's one in a million. And she's mine.

Delirium

Delirium or acute confusional state is a common and severe neuropsychiatric syndrome with core features of acute onset and fluctuating course, attentional deficits and generalized severe disorganization of behavior. It typically involves other cognitive deficits, changes in arousal (hyperactive, hypoactive, or mixed), perceptual deficits, altered sleep-wake cycle, and psychotic features such as hallucinations and delusions. 


What if love were a disease?


I read the first few pages of this book and got a little frightened of what were the real contents of it. It seemed a little too deep for me. It felt like I was once again, entering uncharted territory. But I'm determined to finish it. Whatever this book has in store for me, I'm going to take it. There may be something hidden inside that I never knew about. Right now, I'm learning that falling in love can kill. Really kill.


Let's pray I don't get nightmares, alright? I'm not sissy, I'm just being cautious that's all. Now, what IF love were a disease that kills....

Them boys

I really know how to pick em' don't I? Time for another episode of "Here we go again" You think I have good taste? Haha! I laugh at your bad judgement. You think I have bad taste? Hmmm... I think I agree with you. Let's see what I've learnt over the past week, shall we?

I was numb. Whether it was from all the work and responsibilities on my shoulder or the realization that my fantasies were just that, fantasies. I felt numb, all week. My mind really isn't being kind to me. 

Imagine looking at that picture and knowing the girl isn't you. She never seems to be you.

"Focus on your work. Work... work... more work..." This can't be it! It really shouldn't be it... 

My head is spinning. I'm not thinking clearly when I go through extra measures to get the information I want. And when I get it, I just wish I could give it back. I don't agree with "Better to have loved than to have never loved at all" Why? It's not better, but it's not preventable either. I tried. Again and again. I truly did. 

New boy has his own life. He doesn't need me in it. He never needed me. He was just too kind to say so. I made up a life with him in my mind. I seem to do that a lot. Not with just anyone. Just some of them boys that get to me. This boy got a little bit of my heart with his charm and gentleness. But he never liked me. Never will. 

Old boy hasn't figured what he wants to do with his life. But trying out different girls opportunities at every turn isn't the answer either. Or hasn't he figured that out yet? I haven't talked to him in over a year but it's good to know that I may have been the only girl his family approved of. It was never meant to be, obviously. But he liked me. I know he did. 

Now I see them both as this. I don't want to. But sometimes, I can't control myself either. The same way the both of you can't from life's temptations. 

Them boys get to me. They're not the only people/things that get to me. But they made me numb this week. Now, I just don't want to feel anymore. I didn't feel anything all week, telling myself I was on borrowed time from all the lack of sleep, so I'll have no problem not feeling anything for a while.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rescue me. Leave me alone for once, will you?

To meet my mother

"If anyone asks, tell them I spent the whole of yesterday evening with you."

Those were the words I said to Nathan as I got off his motorbike and removed my helmet. He took the helmet from my hands and placed it back neatly in his bike compartment. I watched his every movement then, unable to tear my eyes away. He looked me in the eyes and nodded, showing me that he understood. Half perched on his bike, he leaned in and gave me a warm hug, the smell of his leather jacket flooding my senses. It was the smell of him. "I would do anything for you. Anything." His whisper so close to my ear, it gave me chills. When we finally let go of one another, it took Nate only 5 more seconds to re-position himself on his bike and ride away into the night.

I wasn't asking Nate to lie for me. It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. My father trusts Nate. We have been best friends for 3 years now, and my father knows him almost as well as I do. Almost... As best friends, there were bound to be secrets only the 2 of us shared. This secret was just bigger than any other. Nate is a boy who rides. No, not the bad boy-too cool to care kind. But even though Nate rode a motorbike, there was this special quality about him that just made parents trust him. Parent, in my case. It wasn't just his charm, it was everything about him. I may have taken advantage of my father's trust, but bringing Nate to meet my mother was crucial for me, and on that day.. he did.

On February 26, I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock beeping. 8am. I opened my curtains to find the sun shining like any other ordinary day in Malaysia, but this day was no ordinary day for me. This day, I was a girl on a mission. I went through my morning and afternoon routine like I did every Saturday. I attended my extra Creative Writing and Public Speaking classes down town and helped my sister with her homework. After that, I just had to wait for my phone to ring and my mission would be a go. My dad would be working all day as usual. After dropping me off at home when my classes were done, it was back to the office for him. I had already informed my maid to look after my sister while I went out and that I'd be back later that evening before my father got home.

My phone rang and stopped, that was the signal that told me Nate was outside, waiting for me. I kissed my sister goodbye and told her I'd be back before she knew it. My ten-year-old sister looked up at me and nodded, saying "Love you! Bye." I grabbed the house keys and my phone and headed out. It didn't take long for me to spot Nate leaning against his beautiful ER6n under the hot sun. A smile appeared on his lips as he looked up and saw me approaching. It took me some time to realize that I was smiling too.
"Ready to go?" he said as he handed me the extra helmet.
"As ready as you are to meet her," I replied. He knew exactly what I meant.

Before I knew it, I could feel the wind against parts of my face that went uncovered by the helmet. I could also feel the breeze in my long, wavy hair. But most of all, I could feel Nate's back against my front as I held on to him tightly. I always wondered if he could feel my heartbeat when we were pressed up against each other this close. If only he knew the extent of my feelings for him.

It took exactly an hour for us to reach our destination. Nilai Cemetery. It was my mother's birthday. I visited my mother's grave with my family every once a year, on her death anniversary. To me, that was never enough. On this day, I decided to take the risk, along with Nate to come down here and visit her. But I wasn't doing this just cause it was her birthday, I had an ulterior motive that even Nate didn't know of. That was another risk I was willing to take.

We got off the bike and removed our helmets. I knew the moment had come for me to be brave and say what I needed Nate to hear. Moment of truth. Nate turned to face me, as if reading my mind. I looked in his eyes and hoped for understanding.
"I don't want to be your best friend anymore." I searched his eyes then.
He remained silent, his expression urging me to go on.
"You mean more to me than just that. I've loved you ever since we became best friends. Telling you sooner  always seemed like a bad idea because it could possibly cost us our friendship. You know why I brought you here today, to meet my mother, but there's something else you need to know. I'm not gonna introduce you to my mother as my best friend, but as the boy I fell in love with at the age of fifteen."

Nate just stared at me then. Was that sympathy I saw in his eyes? I unconsciously took a step forward and searched his eyes. I then saw understanding mixed with amusement. He said this to me, "How about you introduce me as your best friend AND the boy you're in love with?" I couldn't stop staring at his upturned lips. A smile to die for. We were close enough now that he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me a little before pulling me in for a full-on hug. He kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I love you too, you silly girl. I always have. Don't you know that by now. You're my own personal angel and I really wouldn't know what I'd do without you. You are the only girl I have ever loved."

That day, my mother met Nathan. I didn't get in trouble with my father and my family never bothered to find out where I went or what I did that evening. It is a secret that Nate and I will forever keep sacred, just between the 2 of us. Now, I can only pray that my mother approves of him... But knowing her, she has already fallen for his charm and good looks. Looking down on me from above, I know she also sees how well he protects me. He is my own personal guardian angel, and I'm so glad he has met my mother.