Look how we've grown!

2nd semester of college is really stressful. I barely have any time to myself! To be honest, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but hey! A girl needs time to breathe okay? One week of assignment due dates have passed which means, a slightly more relaxing weekend. Assignment are still piling in but a couple of friends and I managed an afternoon out for an impromptu photoshoot. The only sad thing is that our dear friend, couldn't make it :( We really wished she was there with us. Anyway, enjoy some of my personal favourites from the shoot :)

<3

Hello May

So... I'm in the midst of my second semester and I think everything is going well. There's so much uncertainty lately I'm not even sure if everything is supposedly "fine".

Enough with the self pity. It's almost the end of the first week of May. Time sure does fly by, huh? Like I said previously, I'm focusing on family, friends and studies. Everything is on track, which makes it a little weird for me, really. I don't want drama in my life, trust me. I had enough of that in my first semester. But if I were to be honest, I can always find some form of drama somewhere in my life. The difference now is, I've learnt how to handle difficult situations better. At least I think I have...

I admit, I let a recent realization get to me a little. My so called previous "relationship"? Yeah, I found out he moved on. Upon knowing this, I thought to myself: Part of the reason we decided to part ways was because he was leaving the country in July. So, what is he doing with someone else in Malaysia? This just confirmed for me the liar he really was. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven him for not being the best person there for me. I've moved on from him. But I have to say that I haven't fully moved on from the decisions I made in the past. Especially the decision to actually pursue something with someone like him. Like I said before, he's not a bad person, but he isn't the best person. And he definitely was not good for me. I learned my lesson there at least.

Another recent interesting event that happened had to do with my friends embarrassing me. So, I pointed to a guy I thought was cute in the college cafeteria like my friends so often make me do. Before I knew it, they went over there to talk to him, embarrassing me into the next century. What happened next was worse than you can imagine. He refused to come over and talk to me despite my friends' unrelenting pursuing that he do just that. They came back with the so called "bad news" and all I could think was to hide my face and apologize for the harassment I just put that poor boy through. My friends just have to understand that I'll be ready for a relationship when the time comes and things like this cannot be pushed or forced. Oh! The cute guy's name is Sam! Can you believe it?:P Here comes the good news... He replied to my Facebook apology message and made my day! I still think he's cute by the way. Hehe;)

Assignments are piling up. Due dates are getting closer. I'm worrying but I know nothing is impossible with Him in my life. A new friend reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 just yesterday. I really needed that reminder, so thank you :)

Looking forward to a better month ahead, not that April was bad. April was fairly kind to me actually and I thank God for that :) My May wish? For God to show me the plans which he has in store for me. I really don't want to be making anymore decisions without praying about it first, without knowing that this is what God really wants me to do. I just joined KDU's Christian Fellowship and I'm really looking forward to my first meeting on Wednesday. God truly is good in so many ways, and I'm just glad I get to worship Him wherever I am. Even in college :)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Long gone, moved on, but staying strong

I think that says it all. New semester, new friends, new start :)

I came into my first semester of college with a senior at my tail. I was blindsided for the first 3 months of my college life, but I'm not going to let that happen again. Despite going through that rough patch of falling into temptation, of chasing things that were not good for me, I made it. I ended my first semester with straight As. Yeah, that's right! With God, ANYTHING is possible.

Exam week was the same week I was crying over a ridiculous break up. I would study and take "crying breaks". After each paper I sat for, I literally went home and cried. I was only able to hold it together long enough to finish up an exam paper. That is why I really praise God for the results I managed to achieve. Do you know how amazing it is to say that I conquered a hardship AND managed results I can glorify His name with? It is truly something I will shout out at the top of mountains. God is so good, and all glory goes to Him. Only Him.

As for the boy who I let get to me, I only want the best for him and his family. I can only pray that one day, he will come to know my God. I want God to touch him and change his life the way He has changed mine. This boy is not a bad guy. He just made a mistake. I made a mistake. But God is ever forgiving. Ever loving. I want God's love to touch this boy. I want him to want to know about God. About His Son. About His ultimate sacrifice. About His grace.

It's the start of my 2nd semester in college. I'm meeting new friends, new lecturers, learning new things. I was so afraid that I would be marked by the decisions I made in first semester, but I'm not. Some may judge me, some may condemn me and make up their mind about me without even knowing me, but I know that there are those out there who don't. Who don't judge me, who will take the time to get to know me for me. And for that, I am truly grateful. I feel truly blessed :)

For a little while, I forgot to believe. I let my emotions get the best of me. But this experience had its purpose. I don't think I would've pushed so hard to succeed in my first semester if it wasn't for everything that had transpired. At that time, I was telling myself that since I sucked at relationships, everything else in my life had to be perfect. I then came to realize that that's not necessarily true. I just really have to try my best and keep believing in the strength God has put in me. I ventured into uncharted territory, had my heart broken and came out alive. I hope that whoever is reading this will remember that he or she is a strong person. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Our God is so merciful, so good. He won't give you a hardship you can't get through. He provides. He loves. He loves you. Jesus loves you. 

Hello April

A step into a new month.

After overcoming certain hardships, I have come to realize that nothing really ends. Life keeps moving. Drama will keep coming. Hardships will always arise.

"Close the windows and the doors. Don't give them a way back into your life."

Now, that is easier said than done. To click a simple "unfollow" button on twitter is so hard. The urge of wanting to know something you probably shouldn't. Why shouldn't you? Because it honestly does you no good. It will just hurt you. Whatever he's doing, whoever he's with, IT'S NOT YOU.

So, why do you still do it? Why do you let him have that hold on you?


It's another new month. As long as I'm still standing, I will be grateful :)
Straight As for my first semester of college. Not bad at all ;)

"Before it gets better, it gets worse." - Steve Moakler

Gone in the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, they had moved on. It doesn't matter how they moved on, what they did, who they moved on with. It matters when they moved on. NOW. They have both moved on.

Gone was the skepticism if what they had was real, if what they had was worth it.

Gone were the questions of who cared about who more, who was invested and who was just in it for the ride.

Gone were the days of missing each other, the days of remembering past moments.

Everything was just gone, in the blink of an eye. 

Smiling at 18 with 5 As.

I turned 18 on the 20th of March 2013.

I received my SPM results: 

2A+

3A-

1B+

1C+

2C

But if anyone asks, I'm just gonna say, "5As" ;)

In the meantime, my "moving on" process is well, moving on ;) I feel stronger and stronger every day. I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I'm meeting new people and showing them who I am. I no longer want anyone to define me, nor will I ever allow that to happen again. I define myself. I will tell you and show you who Samantha really is. 

You really never know what's gonna happen tomorrow unless you live it. Right now, living my life day by day is turning out just fine for me :)

I recently met a friend who I feel could use a quote like this one:

PS, he's a really amazing 23-year-old friend that I think should learn to smile more :)

Say it before it's too late

"Say it before it's too late."

In a letter of three pages, I did. Now it just depends on whether he accepts it or not, whether he reads it or not.

The hurt seems to never end. It's like punishment after punishment. Reminding me of all the bad decisions I've made, all the temptation I let get to me. I know I deserve it, so I'm taking in all this hurt. I'm embracing it.

"Who knows? Maybe 8, 10 years down the road..."

God knows. My life is in His hands. That's all I have to remember. No more trying to choose my own paths just because I have "feelings" and "emotions".

As me, I have to say some things before it's too late. Forgive me if I'm out of line, if I'm not who you thought me to be. I'll always care for those who broke my heart just a little more. Just remember that.

It's his eyes

"It's in the way he touches me; the subtle things he does that don't go unnoticed by me. I know what he's doing. He's not doing it to hurt me. He's doing it because there's a part of him that hurts too. How can I possibly be mad at him for that? How can I fault him for having a heart?"

"You can't be 100% certain he has a heart. Look at what he's done to you. Remember the tears, remember the appetite loss, remember the sleepless nights."

"Do you think I've forgotten all of that? Not a day goes by that I don't remember what heartache feels like; what that particular heartache felt like. It's his eyes. I've remembered those eyes. That's one thing he can't hide from me. I still have access to those eyes, at least while he's still here. He may talk a lot, but his eyes say more to me than he will ever know. I know. I know how he feels. He's not heartless."

She saw lights

She needed to get out of there. She needed to find him.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?"

Who was he now that 2 years had come and gone? A roughneck working at an oil rig company? Had his small petite body become strong? And was it full of scars just like she knew his heart was?

She loved that small petite body. She loved the boy he was. She was not sure she would love the man he had become.

After leaving him that morning, she roamed a foreign yet familiar place. She somehow ended up in an underground carpark, desperately looking for a way out. She was also not alone. Her dad and sister were with her. Playing the role of the obedient daughter and loving sister suddenly felt suffocating. She really wanted to find him. She needed to find him.

She knew he was in the building. She just knew it. She ran when her family wasn't looking. Her footsteps kept picking up their pace.

Lights. She saw lights. 

It was a beautifully lit up outdoor cafe. The lights streamed the roof overseeing a sea of couples on nicely set up rustic chairs and tables. She still felt short of breath. Panting slightly, she finally looked up.

He was walking towards her. Out of his dirty white t-shirt and jeans, he was wearing a formal shirt and looking as handsome as ever.

Into his arms she ran. Without thinking, she just kissed him; and this was a finished kiss. Everything else around didn't matter. The people didn't matter. The scenery didn't matter, though it was a beautiful scenery.

After a while, he sat down in one of the chairs. She sat on his lap. This was an intimate moment. This was their intimate moment. He was stronger now. She felt it in the way he held her tight to his body. Pressing kisses into her hair, forehead, skin. They kissed again and contentment washed over them.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?" he asked.

She had no answer. She just looked at him.

So what if they were 2 years older? Had things really changed? Did they really have anything in common? Was this worth it?

So many unanswered questions. That's when she chose to wake up. For the first time ever, she could control when she woke up from a dream. So she chose to wake up with questions left unanswered. The one thing she told herself she would remember from the dream was this: She saw lights.

March Innocence

Let's go back, shall we? Back to a place where innocence still existed. A place where I could stare in awe at the stars in the sky and smile.

When I said hello to February, I did not expect to say goodbye to something, or rather someone I had become so accustomed to. It's tough, saying goodbye.

But I'm going to start March off with a whole new perspective. I would listen to you, but you're not talking. You don't want me it seems. So, I'm starting March Innocence. It doesn't matter this time that I'm running. You're not gonna catch me, I know that now. So don't you dare tell me not to run anymore. I stayed and fought for you. I'm still fighting against all I know is good for me. The difference is, this time I can run as fast and as far away as I want. 

Funny how the tables have turned, huh? I didn't lead you on. You led me on. Good going, peasant.

It is time

It is time to turn over a new leaf. It is time to change my ways. It is time to find God once again. It is time to walk the path He has set out for me. It is time. NOW IS THE TIME. 

Stay with me

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
And I want you to stay

Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh



My new addiction. This song just gets to me. I want you to stay. Please. Stay with me.