A girl's gotta grow up!

Now, tell me who that is in the mirror?

Sometimes, it is hard to recognize who it is I'm looking at when looking in the mirror. There's a different expression on her face every time. Turn back the clock, wasn't she just a little girl a few years ago?

Decisions. I've made many in my life. I just found out, a lot of those decisions were made by me, alone. I was always too eager to grow up. That makes me just like anybody else right? Well, I only learnt a couple of years ago that my decisions are not my own. They never have been. I am not my own. I belong to Him. God. His plan for me.

As a kid, I always wanted the last word. I always thought I knew what was best for me. My family didn't really control me either. I guess you can say I had just a little bit more free will than most kids my age. But that's just it. Now, I'm no longer a kid. I'm not a grown-up either. But I am at that age where decision-making is kinda mandatory. Too many questions, unanswered questions...

Personally, I feel like I've made my decisions. For the most recent years of my life, I've made many big decisions, with the help of God of course, but I've made them. I don't want to make them anymore. My friends are at that stage of their lives now, where they're excited and afraid at the same time because they have so many decisions they have to make. I feel the same way, but I know that I've felt all of this before. Way too many times in fact. So, I want to cut back on the decision-making, but that's not a choice for me, is it?

Now that it's just my dad, my sister and I, I have never felt more alone with my decision-making. My mother always had a great input in my life, and I know my extended family and friends are there for me too, but a girl needs her immediate family to have a view on her life, you know? It just feels like the years go by too fast for me. I'm sixteen now. Seventeen in exactly 5 months from now. You'd think I'd be good at making decisions by now....

My latest decision: I'm not ready. Well, I'm not entirely sure about that. I'm still praying about it. I know, 'Talk to God about your love life?' Yeah! He is the best listener around. Sometimes, I think my dreams are supposed to mean something, but the further away I get from falling in love, the more confusing my dreams get. What a hypothesis, right? (Sorry, just had my Science examination today:/)
I'm definitely keeping my distance. I'm not letting my feelings overrule my better judgement.

A wise friend once said, "always remember to think AND feel" - Amanda Chan:)

It's not that I'm not open to it, and for the record, I am still very young, but the thought of it is comforting and scary at the same time. I keep going back and forth on my view of this, but I can't help it.
My solution: Keep praying. God has all the answers:) He also has a great plan for me:)

Another wise friend just shared with me something from the Bible yesterday that I should have known a long time ago. But it's always great learning new things. Open your Bibles to John 15 and read I am the true vine. I read it again when I got home and used it as my devotion. This wise friend's name is Andrew Foong:)

I am truly blessed. Sometimes, I don't think I count my blessings often enough. I love my life. I really do. And all of this, is a confession of a teenage girl named, SAMANTHA KOH SIEW CHENG:)

I know I'm a big girl now mummy, but I'll always be your little girl:)

Haunted

"I am waiting for someone who will never come," she says to herself.

It's all in my head. I used my deepest of thoughts to make up something so utterly beautiful, it can never be true. I have known it all this time, still, I let it go on. What was I thinking?

"You weren't thinking," says a voice. 

No, I wasn't. 

I just want to go for it. I need you to go with me. I feel haunted. Haunted by this image I made of you. I can stare at nothing all day and have you with me in my mind. Sometimes, I can feel you holding my hand, whispering words into my ear. I'm haunted by my imagination of you.

You and I walked a fragile line, but both paces are slowing down now. Not to talk to each other, but to turn away from each other. My image of you is slowly fading, and with every raindrop, I feel a little part of you being washed away. You're disappearing ever so slowly, and all I can do is stare. I will wait until you're invisible. Until I can no longer see my image of you, but see you for who you really are.

"Enough is enough," she sighs.

What are you running from?

There she goes again. What is she running from? Her footsteps are always faster than everybody else's. It's like she's uncomfortable in her own skin, needing to be away from people. But these aren't just people. These people know who she is. They know a little bit of her past and a little bit of her present. The knowledge of that gets to her.

She can make out who it is that she passes. Only a few of them make recognition in her brain. The cute boy she once had a crush on, the most talkative boy in class, the girl who was once nice to her.... Then when she finally stops for a few seconds, she looks into a place she told herself she wouldn't.
"I think I saw him... Shoot!" She picks up her pace and runs again.

It may not seem like running to some people, she's just walking really fast, but she knows she's running. If you look at her expression closely, you'll see it too.

She could feel some of the eyes she saw earlier boring into her back.
"Who cares what they think?" she keeps telling herself.

It still comes as a shock to her when she's able to shed a tear. Sometimes, tears. She's ran at almost every situation. After telling someone goodbye, after a simple get together with family and friends. It's become her nature.

She's alone now. But it's not quiet. So many voices in her head, telling her what to do, what to feel, not to run... "
"What are you running from?" you ask.
Try asking "Who are you running from?"
She'll most probably look you in the eyes, hoping to look into your soul but not allowing you to look into hers and say, "You."

So, don't ask her stupid questions anymore. If you want to ask a question, ask the right one. She will give you an honest answer. She promises.

I wish I could run into your arms, mummy. They're hurting me. 

Bad move

Okay. So you know how I like posting up essays I've written in class or in my English exams? Yeah.... I can't do that this time. Here are my reasons:

1. The essay in itself wasn't a very interesting one. I think it's my most cliche/boring essay yet. I'm usually happy and content with the things I write, but not this time. 
2. I was having the flu throughout the examination. And guess what? It only happened during the exam. Before and after, "Nope, nothing wrong with me. I feel perfectly fine." What a situation to be in, don't you think? I used up 3 packets of tissue in total throughout Paper 1 and 2. I had it worse during Paper 1 by the way. And if you didn't know, Paper 1 is where I had to write my 2 essays. Booo....
3. I was a little frustrated when writing my essays. "Construction? Really? At this time? When I'm trying my hardest to finally achieve my very first A+, on my favourite subject, knowing my teacher most likely won't give me the marks I deserve no matter how hard I try? REALLY?!"
4. Inspiration? "Nada" I tried to think back on what Brenda Ueland said about inspiration, but I just couldn't. In the state I was in? I was surprised I actually finished the paper.
5. Lastly, and this is THE MOST important reason of all, I used real characters' names again. If you knew me well enough, you'd realize that I don't really like playing any other role in my essays other than myself. I'm always the teenage girl going through something. About the characters. The names I used were as real as can be. Real people in my life whose names I used to my advantage. I also didn't change who those names were. I had a fictional story with non-fictional characters. So, this essay just became very personal. I don't think I'd be able to let anybody but my closest friends read it. Unless I change all the names and rewrite it, but that wouldn't be original now would it?

I guess, I brought most of this upon myself. Especially on that last note. To make up for it, I promise to write down all my inspirations right here, after my exams of course;) I need to improve and practice makes progress right? ( I don't believe in perfection because only God is perfect, so practice for me, makes PROGRESS!) More stories to come from the girl who messed up her English Examination Paper.

I can do this, mummy!:)

You're Mine

With her hands in her pockets, she walks.... Taking in everything around her. The wind's blowing her long, wavy hair in all directions, but it doesn't bother her. The sun is hiding itself from her. Clouds are all she sees when she looks up. That doesn't matter either. She takes deep breaths with every step she takes, careful not to let unnecessary thoughts enter her mind.

"I'm doing this for me," she says to herself. "No one else..."

The weather doesn't look promising, but that is why she decided to go out in the first place. Brushing her hair away from her face, she hangs her head and says, "Is he coming for me? Because I know he loves me, but I just can't feel it."

She takes just a few more steps, and stops short in front of a soft patch of grass, spread out in front of her. She slowly collapses onto the grass and breaths even harder, "I can no longer live like this, he's suffocating me."
She lays back on the grass, unable to open her eyes any longer, she drifts off to sleep.

When she awakens, she can barely see anything. Blinking her eyes, trying to make out her surroundings... Then, she sees him. "What are you running from?" he asks quietly, just loud enough for her to hear.
"You. I'm running from you. Why did you come for me?"
Covering his face with both his hands, he sits down beside her on the grass. She sits up and bravely pushes herself a little closer to him. "I need you. I've always needed you," she whispers quietly to herself.

Apparently he heard her, because a few seconds later she hears him say, "You don't need someone like me in your life, trust me."

She gets up and starts to walk away. Just when her first tear touches her cheek, she feels a hand wrap around her arm. "No! I won't let you go. This ends here. I won't let you run anymore, especially from me."

"Say it, just say it..." she thinks to herself.

"You're mine. You're the only one for me. You will forever be a part of me, and no matter what my past says about me, I'm gonna try for the sake of us, to be a better man. Because I love you."

Turning herself to face him, with tears in her eyes, she says, "No more running..."
Wiping her tears with his thumb, then bringing her forehead to his, he says "No more running... Because you're mine, and I'm never letting you go again."



Yeah yeah. I like writing short stories like this. If I had the time, I would have a longer short story. And more than just a few, definitely! My inspiration comes from my dreams mostly, because my reality isn't that interesting. But sometimes, I like to add a little bit of my reality into my stories. I just have to wait and see what God's plan for me is. My thoughts and habit of over-thinking definitely helps my dreams be more interesting. Sometimes, it is a blessing to have inspirations like this one, but here's a quote about inspiration I'd like to share...

“I learned...that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic striving, but it comes into us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness.” 
― Brenda Ueland


Has my writing improved, mummy?:)
This is also for you Thomas. 

I can't get over the way, your love stays the same Oh Lord

Can't Get Over You - Anthem Lights

I love the way You love like no other
It's got nothing to do with anything that I do
Time and time again You forgive me
So this time I choose to stay here with You


Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

Here in the arms of my Father
Only grace can be found
So I lay my fears down
Nothing is the same anymore
You've changed me from the inside out
Now my heart is beating and it's singing won't You...


Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You

I can't get over the way
Your love stays the same, oh Lord
I can't get over the way
Your love stays the same, oh Lord

Even through the good and the bad times
You stay the same
So my song will remain
Lord...

Hold me
Pull me just a little bit closer
I don't wanna lose this moment
Your love has covered me
And now I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I can't get over You
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You
I can't get over You
There's nothing I can't do
I just can't get over You

I can't get over You 

I really need it

I am currently researching home tuitions. For what subject? ACCOUNTS!! I just had my final exam today for accounts and I'm pretty sure I didn't do too well. I somehow knew what I had to do after though. I went up to my teacher and confessed. I told her that I would most likely fail the paper I just handed up. She looked doubtful at first, but after seeing her again after school in the teacher's lounge, I think she believed me. I asked her for help with looking for tuition teachers that could possibly help me. She tried, but nothing seemed to suit my already busy timetable. So, just before I left her, she suggested I try home tuition. I kinda liked that idea. She ended our conversation with "Saya rasa kamu bukan yang paling teruk la."

Yeah, I'm not the worst, but I'm not the best either. I can't even get an average mark, which is what I really need. I am an average academic student after all. I'm not giving up on this subject just yet!

I'm currently on www.hometuition99.com in search for a home tuition. It seems I am desperate and I could really use the help. I need it! I can't fail and give up so easily. It's not who I am, and definitely not who I want to become.

Back to my teacher(s). They have so much faith in me. Just looking at Puan Anis (My accounts teacher) and telling her that I'm about to fail her subject, just about broke me. I hate letting my teachers down. They voted me Murid Berwibawa for goodness sake! Did I mention my history teacher was sitting right there in front of Puan Anis and I? She was wondering why I looked so different. Most probably because I was wearing the look of 'failure', 'fear', 'shame' on my face. She just said I looked red. If only she knew she was the next teacher I'm about to disappoint. I am no good at History, Puan Zihan:( But I already have tuition for that so I just have to work harder...

SO FRUSTRATING!! I really want to look back at this and smile and ask myself why I worried so much or cared so much, but right now, I'm living this reality and there's no getting out of it. Just go with it, SAM!

All I know is, I can't forget the most important things in my life. Eg, My family, friends and the love they have for me. And let's not forget God who is still by my side no matter how lazy I've been and no matter how many times I seem to fail Him. His love carried me through it all:)

And Mummy, you're up there watching over me, just like you told me you would. I know you're there, you're always there:)

Say You Like Me

The simple story of boy and girl. What is the story though? Please tell me. Since you're not saying anything significant, I'm going to go ahead and tell my story. 

She finally does it. She's brave enough to say something. To basically talk to him. She second-guesses herself, but only for a little while. Then, she goes ahead and does it. She talks to him. She makes the first move, but all the while, she's unsure of what she wants. So, she starts a friendship. 'The Friendship' that would throw all sorts of unexpected turns at her, or maybe, just her heart.
"I Like You"
That's all she can think about when she's having a simple conversation with him. Looking up at him, and into those eyes that mesmerize her beyond comprehension.

Is he hinting something? How is she supposed to know? She has about as much experience as a ten-year-old girl with a crush.
"I started this," she says to herself. "Would he actually continue it?"
"What is he thinking about?" she will never know, unless he says something.
She has so many doubts and she's brought all of them upon herself. I think she's looking to him for answers. Not all the answers. Just some. Give her some...

I think this song sums up my simple boy-girl story. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the boy in the story, but I know that I'm not and never will be. I'm the girl. The girl that keeps hoping and wishing on shooting stars, birthday candles.



"Say You Like Me"

If you like me, then say you like me.
I won't give up if you don't.



What do you think, mummy?

Thinking about the future

Again. I'm thinking about the future again. Little things that happen keep putting me off. How can I think about the future when I can't even get past right now? For instance, my exams. I have so much to think about already, why do I have to put unnecessary thoughts into my head?

I have fallen in love with some of these paintings by Thomas Kinkade. There's a shop in Bangsar Village that sells only his paintings and puzzles made with his paintings. All the paintings are no doubt beautiful. Breathtaking. I know what you're thinking, what do I know about paintings right? Well, I'd like to think of myself as an Arts person. I'm definitely not into numbers and all that. So here's a little something I'd like to share:)

Here are some of the DISNEY pieces. Pretty huh?:)

This Peter Pan one is a personal favourite of mine. I just love the story of Peter Pan. One of my favourite songs is from the 2nd Peter Pan movie. "I'll Try"

You know what I thought about when I saw these paintings? When I walked into this particular shop? I was thinking of how I would love to see one of these paintings in my house. This cozy house I imagine I have in the future, with my family. Then, I imagine my husband and kids in that house. And my thoughts go on from there. 

I bet I'll scare off every guy I ever date if I keep talking like this. This just means I have to try harder to find that one man that's right for me;) Hopefully, he isn't too far away...

I need a break from all this thinking, but I just can't help myself. See this picture? This is what I think about when I look at this picture...

The Future. It's in your reach. Just keep driving. Keep going. I won't give up until all my dreams come true. My life is not going to be short-lived. I'll achieve everything I desire by God's grace. My career, and most importantly, that family I long for. For one thing, I know that my husband is going to be worth the wait because I will never sell myself short. I am deserving:)



I wish you could be part of my life in the future mum. But knowing that you're looking out for me from above is enough:) Help me make the right decisions, okay mum?

My walls

When I said I wanted to be cool, act cool, not reveal anything, I didn't mean to build my walls up this strong. Because they are strong. Stronger than ever. Don't you see? I can't open up about almost anything anymore. I succeeded in ignoring things my mind thinks aren't good for me. I definitely did not let my heart lead. Maybe I should have.

I'm sorry. Why do I keep apologizing? Everything I do can't be a mistake, can it? So what if I thought things through this time? Isn't that a good thing? I think it was a safe choice for me. I want to be safe. Want to know where I feel safe? In the embrace of my family members and friends I've known for a long time now and can trust. I definitely don't trust easily now either.

My walls are up. I think they've always been up. Just that now, they're stronger. You can't see it, but if you try to get close to me, you will feel it. You have to work extra hard to get pass those walls if you really want to get to know me. I'm a difficult girl, aren't I? I guess that's just how I was raised. I'd like to believe I was raised right though. With my moral codes and everything... I can't be easily persuaded;)

I want to find love. I'm not running from it. I don't want to hide behind a wall either. This wall was built because I've been through so much hurt in the past. I will try my best to be vulnerable when I need to be, but it will be a challenge. "My walls are up" is what I use to describe my so called love life when I try explaining myself to my friends. They understand me, and for that, I am truly grateful.

So, tear my walls down. But only if you're 100% certain you want to see what's behind those walls.


You know what I mean, don't you mum?

Happy for a friend

RAYSHELL WONG RUI EN, I love you with all my heart. I'm truly happy that you found happiness with someone after so many days of telling me he would never feel the same. You just have to wait a little bit longer, and love will come. I haven't given up, and I know you almost wanted to. I'm glad you didn't. We must always have hope, am I right? My love is on his way. Yours is already here;) I believe in the both of you. I trust him, but I will always have your back. Whatever happens, I will never leave you. In your time of need, my number will be waiting to be dialed. Just remember this, if he takes you away from me, I will have something to say about it. You are one of my best friends and I'll always be your accountability partner:)

You are amazing Rayshell. I know he sees that, just like I do. Always put God first and you will be fine. Don't stop smiling and being your hyper self. Cause that's what I love most about you.



I want love like this too, mummy:)

We're on the same boat

You are loved LIM YI FEN!! Whatever happens, whatever you're going through. You're never alone. Don't forget you're on my boat;) We are going to sail together and show them how awesome we can really be:) I'm with you all the way. Can't wait for delicious lunch and bubble tea at chatime tomorrow. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for the times I neglected you. I'm glad our friendship is on track and I can't wait for it to only grow stronger.


This is for you, and you only. Call me, text me, show up at my doorstep. You're always welcome:) Worst come to worst, you'll be my prom date 2012:) Or we could stick to our secret plan;) We just gotta get the blueberries to agree with us. Haha. We could always switch dates in the middle. Dance with all 3 handsome blueberries. What do you say? I love you to bits. Hope I made you smile. I can just taste that bubble tea now:P

Watch over us, mummy:)