My battle to fight

I haven't cried myself to sleep for a while. Nor have I ever cried for hours straight. I'm not that girl. I will tell you who I am though. I'm the people-pleaser. I must have everyone like me or die trying. From what I heard, it's something I got from my mom. I now understand why she was pushed around so much. Why people took advantage of her and stepped all over her. I don't like to upset people. I like to find a way so that everyone is happy. If you think that I'm just telling you a bunch of lies, then you don't know me well enough and you should probably stop your reading here.

She has so many friends. Friends who she believes genuinely cares. Friends she would never hurt on purpose. Friends she hoped would stay with her till the end of time. But somehow, she feels hurt. She knows of the whispers behind her back. The shared secrets, the laughter. She knows she may have unintentionally hurt them, but she never expected to feel hurt back. Some advice was given to her today. It wasn't really advice, but something a father-figure would say to his daughter.

"Your friends care for you. They advise you. That's what friends do. What they may not understand is; even though they're intentions are good, wanting you to learn from their mistakes, you are still going to have to walk your own path and be certain that you will face hardships and you will get hurt. But that's you. It's your life. How come what they said could hurt you so much?"

"Because they mean something to me. They're my friends. I care for them too. I don't want them upset. I want them to be happy. But what I chose to do did not make them happy. I hurt them. I most probably don't deserve them."

"How about your happiness? You see, there are two ways this thing could go. It either doesn't work out, or you live happily ever after. There is no guarantee, but how will you know unless you put yourself out there? At the end of the day, you don't want to live your life saying I should've done that. Even if you've had bad experiences, you learn from them. But if you regret something that you've never tried, you can't even learn from that. Look at it this way, if it doesn't work out, you learn; if it does work out, you are happy. Don't you want to be happy? Because what's important now is you. Not him. Not them. Consider yourself and your immediate family. Honestly Sam, if they were your friends, no matter how many mistakes you make, they wouldn't leave you. Would you judge them? Even if they didn't take your advice? Would you judge them or support them and then be there for them in the end? You answer that yourself. If they want to walk away, let them walk. But I have a feeling that if you are truly happy and they can see that, they will learn to accept it."

Fighting a battle full of emotions and learning to be strong. Strengthening my faith with him and friends who are willing to stay by my side through thick and thin.

Thank you God for all the blessings you've given me already. I know you wouldn't throw me a battle I couldn't handle. And thank you for giving me family and friends as blessings in disguise :)

Love you, mummy! <3

Freedom

2 months! I haven't blogged in 2 months. I blame 2nd semester. But now, 2nd semester has officially ended! Woohoo!:D

Although it's only about 3 weeks of freedom, I'm just glad that I have some time to myself for a while. Also, time to spend with family, friends and that special someone.

"It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee."

Look how we've grown!

2nd semester of college is really stressful. I barely have any time to myself! To be honest, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but hey! A girl needs time to breathe okay? One week of assignment due dates have passed which means, a slightly more relaxing weekend. Assignment are still piling in but a couple of friends and I managed an afternoon out for an impromptu photoshoot. The only sad thing is that our dear friend, couldn't make it :( We really wished she was there with us. Anyway, enjoy some of my personal favourites from the shoot :)

<3

Hello May

So... I'm in the midst of my second semester and I think everything is going well. There's so much uncertainty lately I'm not even sure if everything is supposedly "fine".

Enough with the self pity. It's almost the end of the first week of May. Time sure does fly by, huh? Like I said previously, I'm focusing on family, friends and studies. Everything is on track, which makes it a little weird for me, really. I don't want drama in my life, trust me. I had enough of that in my first semester. But if I were to be honest, I can always find some form of drama somewhere in my life. The difference now is, I've learnt how to handle difficult situations better. At least I think I have...

I admit, I let a recent realization get to me a little. My so called previous "relationship"? Yeah, I found out he moved on. Upon knowing this, I thought to myself: Part of the reason we decided to part ways was because he was leaving the country in July. So, what is he doing with someone else in Malaysia? This just confirmed for me the liar he really was. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven him for not being the best person there for me. I've moved on from him. But I have to say that I haven't fully moved on from the decisions I made in the past. Especially the decision to actually pursue something with someone like him. Like I said before, he's not a bad person, but he isn't the best person. And he definitely was not good for me. I learned my lesson there at least.

Another recent interesting event that happened had to do with my friends embarrassing me. So, I pointed to a guy I thought was cute in the college cafeteria like my friends so often make me do. Before I knew it, they went over there to talk to him, embarrassing me into the next century. What happened next was worse than you can imagine. He refused to come over and talk to me despite my friends' unrelenting pursuing that he do just that. They came back with the so called "bad news" and all I could think was to hide my face and apologize for the harassment I just put that poor boy through. My friends just have to understand that I'll be ready for a relationship when the time comes and things like this cannot be pushed or forced. Oh! The cute guy's name is Sam! Can you believe it?:P Here comes the good news... He replied to my Facebook apology message and made my day! I still think he's cute by the way. Hehe;)

Assignments are piling up. Due dates are getting closer. I'm worrying but I know nothing is impossible with Him in my life. A new friend reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 just yesterday. I really needed that reminder, so thank you :)

Looking forward to a better month ahead, not that April was bad. April was fairly kind to me actually and I thank God for that :) My May wish? For God to show me the plans which he has in store for me. I really don't want to be making anymore decisions without praying about it first, without knowing that this is what God really wants me to do. I just joined KDU's Christian Fellowship and I'm really looking forward to my first meeting on Wednesday. God truly is good in so many ways, and I'm just glad I get to worship Him wherever I am. Even in college :)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Long gone, moved on, but staying strong

I think that says it all. New semester, new friends, new start :)

I came into my first semester of college with a senior at my tail. I was blindsided for the first 3 months of my college life, but I'm not going to let that happen again. Despite going through that rough patch of falling into temptation, of chasing things that were not good for me, I made it. I ended my first semester with straight As. Yeah, that's right! With God, ANYTHING is possible.

Exam week was the same week I was crying over a ridiculous break up. I would study and take "crying breaks". After each paper I sat for, I literally went home and cried. I was only able to hold it together long enough to finish up an exam paper. That is why I really praise God for the results I managed to achieve. Do you know how amazing it is to say that I conquered a hardship AND managed results I can glorify His name with? It is truly something I will shout out at the top of mountains. God is so good, and all glory goes to Him. Only Him.

As for the boy who I let get to me, I only want the best for him and his family. I can only pray that one day, he will come to know my God. I want God to touch him and change his life the way He has changed mine. This boy is not a bad guy. He just made a mistake. I made a mistake. But God is ever forgiving. Ever loving. I want God's love to touch this boy. I want him to want to know about God. About His Son. About His ultimate sacrifice. About His grace.

It's the start of my 2nd semester in college. I'm meeting new friends, new lecturers, learning new things. I was so afraid that I would be marked by the decisions I made in first semester, but I'm not. Some may judge me, some may condemn me and make up their mind about me without even knowing me, but I know that there are those out there who don't. Who don't judge me, who will take the time to get to know me for me. And for that, I am truly grateful. I feel truly blessed :)

For a little while, I forgot to believe. I let my emotions get the best of me. But this experience had its purpose. I don't think I would've pushed so hard to succeed in my first semester if it wasn't for everything that had transpired. At that time, I was telling myself that since I sucked at relationships, everything else in my life had to be perfect. I then came to realize that that's not necessarily true. I just really have to try my best and keep believing in the strength God has put in me. I ventured into uncharted territory, had my heart broken and came out alive. I hope that whoever is reading this will remember that he or she is a strong person. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Our God is so merciful, so good. He won't give you a hardship you can't get through. He provides. He loves. He loves you. Jesus loves you. 

Hello April

A step into a new month.

After overcoming certain hardships, I have come to realize that nothing really ends. Life keeps moving. Drama will keep coming. Hardships will always arise.

"Close the windows and the doors. Don't give them a way back into your life."

Now, that is easier said than done. To click a simple "unfollow" button on twitter is so hard. The urge of wanting to know something you probably shouldn't. Why shouldn't you? Because it honestly does you no good. It will just hurt you. Whatever he's doing, whoever he's with, IT'S NOT YOU.

So, why do you still do it? Why do you let him have that hold on you?


It's another new month. As long as I'm still standing, I will be grateful :)
Straight As for my first semester of college. Not bad at all ;)

"Before it gets better, it gets worse." - Steve Moakler

Gone in the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, they had moved on. It doesn't matter how they moved on, what they did, who they moved on with. It matters when they moved on. NOW. They have both moved on.

Gone was the skepticism if what they had was real, if what they had was worth it.

Gone were the questions of who cared about who more, who was invested and who was just in it for the ride.

Gone were the days of missing each other, the days of remembering past moments.

Everything was just gone, in the blink of an eye. 

Smiling at 18 with 5 As.

I turned 18 on the 20th of March 2013.

I received my SPM results: 

2A+

3A-

1B+

1C+

2C

But if anyone asks, I'm just gonna say, "5As" ;)

In the meantime, my "moving on" process is well, moving on ;) I feel stronger and stronger every day. I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I'm meeting new people and showing them who I am. I no longer want anyone to define me, nor will I ever allow that to happen again. I define myself. I will tell you and show you who Samantha really is. 

You really never know what's gonna happen tomorrow unless you live it. Right now, living my life day by day is turning out just fine for me :)

I recently met a friend who I feel could use a quote like this one:

PS, he's a really amazing 23-year-old friend that I think should learn to smile more :)

Say it before it's too late

"Say it before it's too late."

In a letter of three pages, I did. Now it just depends on whether he accepts it or not, whether he reads it or not.

The hurt seems to never end. It's like punishment after punishment. Reminding me of all the bad decisions I've made, all the temptation I let get to me. I know I deserve it, so I'm taking in all this hurt. I'm embracing it.

"Who knows? Maybe 8, 10 years down the road..."

God knows. My life is in His hands. That's all I have to remember. No more trying to choose my own paths just because I have "feelings" and "emotions".

As me, I have to say some things before it's too late. Forgive me if I'm out of line, if I'm not who you thought me to be. I'll always care for those who broke my heart just a little more. Just remember that.

It's his eyes

"It's in the way he touches me; the subtle things he does that don't go unnoticed by me. I know what he's doing. He's not doing it to hurt me. He's doing it because there's a part of him that hurts too. How can I possibly be mad at him for that? How can I fault him for having a heart?"

"You can't be 100% certain he has a heart. Look at what he's done to you. Remember the tears, remember the appetite loss, remember the sleepless nights."

"Do you think I've forgotten all of that? Not a day goes by that I don't remember what heartache feels like; what that particular heartache felt like. It's his eyes. I've remembered those eyes. That's one thing he can't hide from me. I still have access to those eyes, at least while he's still here. He may talk a lot, but his eyes say more to me than he will ever know. I know. I know how he feels. He's not heartless."

She saw lights

She needed to get out of there. She needed to find him.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?"

Who was he now that 2 years had come and gone? A roughneck working at an oil rig company? Had his small petite body become strong? And was it full of scars just like she knew his heart was?

She loved that small petite body. She loved the boy he was. She was not sure she would love the man he had become.

After leaving him that morning, she roamed a foreign yet familiar place. She somehow ended up in an underground carpark, desperately looking for a way out. She was also not alone. Her dad and sister were with her. Playing the role of the obedient daughter and loving sister suddenly felt suffocating. She really wanted to find him. She needed to find him.

She knew he was in the building. She just knew it. She ran when her family wasn't looking. Her footsteps kept picking up their pace.

Lights. She saw lights. 

It was a beautifully lit up outdoor cafe. The lights streamed the roof overseeing a sea of couples on nicely set up rustic chairs and tables. She still felt short of breath. Panting slightly, she finally looked up.

He was walking towards her. Out of his dirty white t-shirt and jeans, he was wearing a formal shirt and looking as handsome as ever.

Into his arms she ran. Without thinking, she just kissed him; and this was a finished kiss. Everything else around didn't matter. The people didn't matter. The scenery didn't matter, though it was a beautiful scenery.

After a while, he sat down in one of the chairs. She sat on his lap. This was an intimate moment. This was their intimate moment. He was stronger now. She felt it in the way he held her tight to his body. Pressing kisses into her hair, forehead, skin. They kissed again and contentment washed over them.

"What are you going to do now that you're older?" he asked.

She had no answer. She just looked at him.

So what if they were 2 years older? Had things really changed? Did they really have anything in common? Was this worth it?

So many unanswered questions. That's when she chose to wake up. For the first time ever, she could control when she woke up from a dream. So she chose to wake up with questions left unanswered. The one thing she told herself she would remember from the dream was this: She saw lights.

March Innocence

Let's go back, shall we? Back to a place where innocence still existed. A place where I could stare in awe at the stars in the sky and smile.

When I said hello to February, I did not expect to say goodbye to something, or rather someone I had become so accustomed to. It's tough, saying goodbye.

But I'm going to start March off with a whole new perspective. I would listen to you, but you're not talking. You don't want me it seems. So, I'm starting March Innocence. It doesn't matter this time that I'm running. You're not gonna catch me, I know that now. So don't you dare tell me not to run anymore. I stayed and fought for you. I'm still fighting against all I know is good for me. The difference is, this time I can run as fast and as far away as I want. 

Funny how the tables have turned, huh? I didn't lead you on. You led me on. Good going, peasant.