My frustrations

I can't say I'm not frustrated with boys. But I can't just shut them out of my life. It is true. I am back to square one when it comes to a relationship. I honestly don't think I can commit. I'm gonna keep telling myself I'm too young for any of this until I'm twenty something maybe. Who knows? I know a lot of people out there wouldn't take my word for it, my English teacher doesn't even believe me! But I am completely unattached to anyone at the moment. Have been for a while.

It'd be so easy to say that I'm broken goods and that I'm not worth anyone's time or love. But that's not true. I do deserve something/someone good. Why shouldn't I go for the best? Why shouldn't I be picky. I'm sure I can and will commit when the time is right, but it doesn't seem to be right now. And yet, these boys still frustrate me.

Robot - The one who I find attractive but seems to prefer liking me from afar and sending me mix signals. How am I supposed to deal with you?

Little - The one who I used to have a big crush on. The one I admired from afar but was fooled by. The one who just told me recently how much he liked me but holds secrets he confessed to. The one who was straightforward when I didn't want him to be. How am I supposed to respond to poison like you?

Gym - The one who seems to like games and using an innocent expression to get him on peoples' good side. The one who knows how to twist his words to get exactly what he wants. How am I supposed to be friends with someone I may have something negatively in common with?

Puzzle - The one who is a complete mystery. The one who has more emotional roller coasters than any girl I know. The one who says he loves me as a friend but I suspect there's more to it. The one who I need to keep my distance from but can't because he will hate me if I did. How am I supposed to keep up with you?

Lookalike - The one who reminds me so much of a past I should probably forget. The one who's young but acts like a boy I used to know when I was his age. The one who seems to come around when I least expect it. How am I suppose to be a senior to you?

I can think of so many more frustrations that run through my mind. Yes, all of the above are my frustrations, besides my homework and responsibilities.

I think I'd rather not talk about you guys to anyone. No one can understand my position unless they stood in my shoes. Could you guys actually step into my shoes and help me out though? Cause I'm failing terribly at solving my own problems.

Give me a rose, and I should probably throw it back in your face. But being me, I'd take it and go along for the emotional roller coaster I know this to be.  I really shouldn't accept it, but....

Sam's happy :)

I'm having a really great start to the month of April:) But that does not mean there aren't stuff bothering me. Little things here and there....

I'm smiling despite everything. Feeling very happy and I thank God for all this cheeriness and laughter. I just want to share my joy with the world!!:D

There are some people I'm waiting on. Some people who I believe may be hiding something from me, but I'll give them their time. I can wait. It's not like I'm waiting for a boy I like anymore. I can wait for God's plan to take it's course. Why arouse or awaken love before it so desires? My time will come :) I truly believe that.

"Sam is happy, happy, happy... " :)

One after another

 Wow, have I been abandoning my blog!!! That's mainly because :




Yeah, the older I get, even by days, can bring a girl to neglect something that brings her so much joy. So I'll make this blog post a little update on what I've been up to lately. It'll be worth your time, I promise ;)

SFX Confirmation Camp Level 3 2012 -Kuantan

10th - 13th March


This camp went beyond my expectations. I still miss the life we kinda lived while in that secluded area of Kuantan. I miss the routines, the fresh air and most of all, THE PEOPLE!!






DJ CF CAMP 2012 -Tanah Rata Camerons

13th - 16th March


What more can I say about this? Having my sister at camp with me was truly an unforgettable experience. Learning with all my schoolmates what God is all about. Couldn't have asked for anything better.

Ps, Yes, these camps were back-to-back. AND I made it out alive!!! Praise The Lord! :D



For CF Camp, I had the opportunity to work with all these great people. Although not all departments had to work closely together, I can honestly tell you that each and every one in that picture is a friend of mine. Camp would not have been possible without any one of them. Best of all, our head of camp - GOD!








Impact's Got Talent 2012

Blueberry Cheesecake kinda bailed on us, the 'us' who were able to make the date.

17th March 2012
So, it was Rayshell, James and I. Despite on and off fevers, the flu and most of all-sore throats... We went on stage. First to perform. We sang 2 keys lower than James Morrison for 'Make It Real'! We did not win, but we were overjoyed cause James' solo performance won 1st place! *proud*

20th March 2012

"Happy Birthday to me..."

Hehe, I turned 17th!! :D
Not much to say about that beside the fact that growing doesn't stop. Even for those who dislike doing so. Like me, for instance.







Well, that's an update. Not in detail obviously. Not sure if I will go into detail but... I do have some ideas for future posts. Wow, the month of March really was THE MONTH for me. It was actually the first time I've fallen sick this year. I've been sick ever since CF CAMP. Still sick now. Check the date on your computer... Yeap! I've been sick for 3 weeks now. Well, mostly it's the cough that refuses to leave me. Which reminds me, "EAT YOUR MEDICINE, SAM!" Okay, okay!

Right! Ideas. I've got a couple of essays I've written, also in this month that I might post up soon. AND I will not be sharing my results for my first term exams as they aren't very encouraging for my juniors. SO I'm gonna work real hard for mid terms and show you my results then. On the topic of love interest... Sam is currently unattached whatsoever and she's being totally serious here '_' So yeah, that about sums up my 'update' post.

See you readers in April! Ps, Sam does not like being fooled :/ hehe
*Mission accomplished. Blog updated.* :D

Love you, mommy! <3

It's Exam Week!

Just dropping by to say that I'm not going to do so well on my First Term exams. Oopsie! Hopefully, I don't mess up my perfect record of not failing any subject. I still wanna keep up my average student status, really I do. So, wish me all the best. Actually, wish all of us high school-ers the best this week. Exams are not the funnest thing in the world. Far from it.

So, remember to keep us in your prayers alright? Thank you!

Ps, I have an essay to write entitled 'Thank you, Teacher' It's for a competition the government made compulsory in every school and I'm representing my class by having the guts to try my best. Let's see if this aspiring writer has the means to win an essay competition involving the whole of Kuala Lumpur? Let's hope it's just the whole of KL. I've never won an essay contest before so this is a first for me. Fingers crossed :)

Hoping

Now every time she sees here, she keeps an eye out for him too. Is he by her side? Are they together? Are they each other's special one? She really doesn't know anymore, and she's not sure she wants to know. Wait, she does, because this guy can't seem to find his way out of her thoughts! Hoping... She's hoping... 

*Poke* He uses her annoying tactics against her, poking her with his pencil. So, she did what any girl would do in her position. *poke back*

Uh oh... His stomach's hard. Oh no, here comes her blush. And he dared to look at her with his eyebrows slightly raised. She was rendered speechless. Awkwardly, she used her pencil to hit the pencil he was holding instead. CHANGE OF TOPIC PLEASE! 

"No! I can never poke you now."

Guess how she decided to redeem herself? *Poke cute guys arm*

"Still soft, I can still poke you :)"

"Aw man" he smiled :)

And all she could think about was how cute he was throughout the so called 'conversation'. 

That's where hope comes in. But at this point, it seems to be a progressing friendship. Because right now, these words come into play:

The cute geek with abs. *screams softly to self*

Look-a-like heartbreaker

Are they related? Or is my past just coming back to haunt me? A brand new month. Brand new troubles, brand new struggles. Challenges I'm determined to overcome. I wasn't expecting to meet someone new though. Someone who only brought back painful memories, and it's not even his fault. How can a 13 year old boy look so much like the boy who broke my heart when I was 14? Why does he speak in the same manner as the heartbreaker?

A librarian this time, not a prefect. Not the responsible kind, obviously. Okay, maybe a little. He has the looks and the attitude to match. He's the perfect heartbreaker. They're the perfect heartbreakers. I feel sorry for those girls who might have to go through what I went through. If only I could warn the world about them.

"Let go of me, like NOW!!"

One's name starts with A, the other, the letter L.
LALALALALALALALALALALA... I'm not listening!! I'm not caring!!  :P

Yellow

It was right in front of her. The truth was right in front of her. He was never hers for the taking. The geek, the boy next door was already being loved by a beautiful girl. Does this mean she doesn't deserve the nice guy either? First, she's unable to hold on to the bad boy she so badly wanted to change. Now, she's unable to even get near the nice guy she wanted... She thought she wanted.

She really doesn't want to give up. The girl he's seeing, is a close friend of hers. Being in the same circle of friends is more than difficult. It's close to impossible. But since winning 'The Best Actress' award in a school play, she's able to pull off just about any expression she wants them to see. They will never see her crying heart, nor her weak smile. She's gonna appear strong. All they'll be able to see is strength in her eyes. She is going to make this an Emmy Award winning performance. It's going to be the greatest illusion she will ever attempt.




Running down the walkway so she can avoid contact with this boy. There's no turning back. Not even when the cute geek calls her name.

........
Tears in her eyes, legs turning frail.



What a leap year for her, huh? :/

The tears paid off

Cast and Crew of "The Bomb"

Okay. So maybe I complained too much during the process of it all. The stress really did become unbearable at times. We were budding heads, holding back anger, fighting to bight back words we knew we'd regret later. But, look at us now... 

Our victory wasn't unexpected, nor was it expected either. I can't say it was a beautiful process, it was pretty ugly actually. No blood, but you can count on sweat and tears. I am not exaggerating. I really have come to appreciate my classmates more after this gruesome but awesome project. Come on... Coming up with an original script and acting it out on stage for a competition with the time given of only less than a month? I thought the school was joking! But my classmates were determined. I believe everyone had their fair share of sacrifices through it all, and I'm so grateful for classsmates like these. Truly thankful. 

Just to make it clear, we won 2nd Place. We were more than happy. How is this not a victory? We would've been happy placing 3rd. I don't understand how 3rd place winners aren't happy? At least they placed. Imagine how the other classes felt? I got to see up close and personal what disappointment looks like. True disappointment but unnecessary all the same. There are so many talented people in SMKDJ, sometimes it's just hard to shine all at once. I'd also like to make a shout out to two incredible friends of mine who deserve to be acknowledged for all their hard work in their own plays. There wasn't enough love to go around this morning in school, but I really want to share my happiness with 

ALYCIA TAN WEI WENN & RAYSHELL WONG RUI EN. 

These two beautiful young ladies went out of their way and did their best. It was not just good enough, it was wonderful. Just cause some teachers didn't recognize it, doesn't mean it wasn't a job well done. I really wish they didn't feel so discouraged. You are so amazingly talented, don't doubt that. I believe God blessed the both of you with more than one gift. For one, you've always been there for me. Both of you. I've been looking up to the both of you for years. Truly, I have. I still do. You are great examples not only to your juniors, but to your peers too. And I'm one of those peers that just appreciates your existence in this world. Please, please take some of my happiness and sprinkle it on yourselves. I wanna see you girls smile again. Laugh again. 

To 5 Meranti, you guys really did me proud. I think we all did each other proud. Doesn't it feel good to have accomplished something together? :) I am not gonna write an Oscar Worthy Speech here, so I'm just gonna say that I've slowly learnt to love you all. Some of you are harder to love than others, but not impossible. No matter how annoying or how much you get under my skin. I'll be here for any one of you any time of day. I promise to try my best, like I said before ;) 

Oh, one small thing I forgot to mention... Guess who won best female performer in the 'non-science' category of dramas? *points at self with two thumbs* THIS GIRL!! :D Yes, I am happy but I am not gonna over-celebrate. I admit I blushed and couldn't stop smiling when the results were announced. (Ps, Thanks Simon for your shoulder, I needed to hide my face somewhere..) I really owe everything to those who had to hear me complain on and on about the stress I was under and my understanding classmates, who by the way, went out of their to buy me 100plus because they thought I looked pale and was about to faint. Can't say that wasn't true though. It could have happened, who knows? Thank you guys, really. My heart goes out to you awesome people. 

Today is the 27th of February. Yesterday was the 26th of February. My mother's 44th birthday. How time flies. Thank you mom, I owe everything to you. You carried me through it all. My beautiful guardian angel. Why are you so good to me? I guess I did inherit some of your talent after all ;) I love you mom, so so much. Happy Birthday. I'll see you soon. <3 

Finally, the nice guy

One round.. Two rounds.. I'm getting dizzy. Sandra, are you alright? What is it this time? Is some boy bothering you? Is some boy hurting you? Is some boy confusing you?

"No, some boy is not making my heart beat fast enough"

She thought she finally found that one to make her happy. Because he did make her happy. He does make her happy. She finally fell for the nice guy. The slightly geeky, tall, and slightly buff nice guy from next door. But... Why does something feel wrong then? 

"Don't tell me you're still in love with that good for nothing bad boy? Or are you hung up on that boy who seems to be currently ignoring you? Or in my words, not paying you enough attention?"

"Hold on, Sandra... He may be just what you need in your life right now."

She's afraid he can't handle her baggage. She knows that she should give him a chance. She's always been one to give out chances. Unlimited chances. She's just afraid of giving another piece of her heart away to a boy who may not be her future husband. What would her actual husband say to this?

"You gave a little piece of your heart to all those boys?? And now you expect me to take what's left of your heart when I want all of it?"

She's so confused. She admits, there is a boy bothering her. There was a boy hurting her. There are always boys confusing her. She needs guidance. She needs to focus on her faith, her family, her studies, her future. 

"Nice guys like that don't wait around long. They're not easy to find either, Sandra."

"Make him wait for me. Cause I think I do like him. And I actually hope he likes me too."

You proved me wrong

You will never know how much the time we spent together meant to me. Now, I hope you notice me no longer staring at you. No longer waiting for your arrival at events. So, now that you invite me to a venue where you're performing, I have no intention of even trying to make it. It's not like you ever bothered where my band was playing next or when and where I was performing. I have a talent, and so do you. The dream of performing alongside you is now a faint memory. You will never know how much I saw in you and still see in you. You should really start doing more for yourself than continuing in this petty life of yours. I see you, I saw you. Now, I don't know who you are anymore.



Goodbye Nathan...

My heart was never yours

Someone else can make me smile after all. And he appreciates me for me. He sees the true beauty in me and truly likes me. The more I talk, the more he listens. He talks, and I can't help but hang on to every word. He better stop complimenting me or my ego is going to shoot through the roof. My face also can't take anymore blushing. So, stop it! He's supportive of my music, my band and he's known me for longer than you have. We're laughing... together.

In the end, even if he turns out to be just a friend, he made me smile. Which is more than I can say for you right now. It doesn't matter that he may not win looks-wise. Guess what? He's older than you and definitely more mature. So, go ahead with another one of your 'experiments'. I don't want to hear bout it any longer. Cheat on her like you did on your previous 'experiments'. Well, actually, don't do that.

All I know is, you're not breaking my heart, and he is making my heart smile :) ( If that's even possible :/ )

She was here, I love him

I'm always so close to letting those tears stream down my face. It was all about the stress at first. Endless pain and suffering. Sleepless nights and sore body parts. But when it's all over...

I forgot. Oh my goodness! How could I have forgotten. She was watching over me. She must have seen all  the trouble I got myself into. I'm also afraid she may have experienced all my bad days with me. These were some really bad days. They made me want to cry myself to sleep. But today was different... Today, she was here.

My mother was here. In a form of a little yellow butterfly. I wasn't here. I was in Bible Knowledge class tonight. When my dad told me the story in the car, I wasn't upset that I was absent in the event of it all. I was close to tears though, because I forgot to think about her on Valentines Day.

My dad's story :
"There was this yellow butterfly flying around the house. It landed on the paper rose Mikaela made. Then Kaela used the real roses on the dining table to try and lure it down. It settled on the rose. *sounds amazed* She took a picture. Then, it flew around again, and landed on the rose. Kaela took another picture. The, I tried it a third time. This time it landed on the flower petals, not the stem. We took another picture. I think this is mummy trying to tell us that we forgot to give her a flower on Valentines Day. *he smiles*"

My reply :
"Her birthday's coming up. Can we go visit her with a lot of flowers? Just us."

Daddy: "Yeah" :)

Tears filled my eyes then. I couldn't help it. No more stressful tears. No more crying myself to sleep because of stress. I'm gonna cry because of this beautiful life I've been blessed with. My mother was here. She is currently watching over me and my family. My dad loves me. And I love him with all my heart. I'm going to build up the courage someday to say " I love you" to him. I promise you this, mummy.

He held me in his arms tonight. I've never been a spoiled brat in a sense that I wasn't overly loved by my parents. But there was always love there. I make sure to kiss him every night. His hugs are my favourite, next to my sister's of course. Tonight, he kissed me back. A nice peck on the cheek. I told him off for not shaving properly. And when I was doing my usual routine of "I don't wanna go to school tomorrow", he held me in his arms and used his hands to stroke my hair back. Then he asked if I've been having any head pains. My mother wasn't the only watching over me, he was too. And he saw, up close, all the stress I was under.
"When's your next doctor's appointment?"
"Soon..."

Unlike all the girls out there guessing whether the boy they like, likes them back, I know for a fact that the man I love, loves me back. My husband will have these expectations to live up to. I will settle for nothing less, because I deserve this much. I deserve love like this.

I love you so, so much mum. I will see you next Sunday 26th February.
Papa, I love you. I seriously do. My heart hurts not because it's breaking, it hurts because I feel your love. It's the best feeling in the world.

Thank you, God. Truly, I am blessed :')