Last/Final Goodbye

This is finally my last goodbye

It took a while but now I see

That there is so much more to life

Than that boy who couldn't appreciate me

So, I sing my last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was down

You always told me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Then you walked out of my life

Broke my heart into pieces

When I saw you with her

Only one month later

It took two years but who are you to judge

This only proves how much I loved you

You left me hanging with so many doubts

If your love for me was true

I bet you can guess why I'm so happy now

I think I've finally found someone

The wait for him was definitely worth while

You will never be half the man he is

So, I can't wait to end this last song for you

You brought me joy, you made me smile

You held my hand when I was done

You always showed me how much you cared

You were my best friend, you were my lover

You were my rock when I was vulnerable...and broken

Now, I want you out of my life

I won't pine for you any longer

I am ready to say

My final goodbye

I know it's a little overdue cause this did happen a long time ago, but I think I finally needed to say it to myself. Out loud. Or maybe, just sing it:) I am really happy now by the way.

This is my final goodbye to you so, no more worries. You will never have to read about yourself here again:)  

Run In The Rain

I'm lost, so lost....
My legs are moving, don't know where I'm going.
I failed to express how I was feeling, and you wouldn't listen....

So, I'll run in the rain. 

I feel so much pain. 

Your back was turned, 

So I took the opportunity to run away....

You tried to find me, but I was too far to be seen.
I felt so weak, I couldn't bring myself to speak....

I ran so fast....

You couldn't catch me, 

You couldn't pull me back.

Do I need to keep running, till I reach a dead end?

No, I'll keep running in the rain. 

I'll feel all this pain.

Your back will forever be turned,

So I'll keep running, 

Cause I have nothing else to say.

Just a little song

I want to spend my whole life writing. 

I can't find the perfect words now to make this an amazing song, but I believe it is a good song. 

Never underestimate a small feeling because it can bring great things. Thank you for inspiring me:)

Little

I see your face as I walk by. I smile a little cause I'm so shy. Don't you know you make my heartbeat go wild?

I stutter cause I'm so nervous. So, why don't you just take over this conversation and let me know why...

I can't help myself from thinking...

You're a little bit charming, just a little bit funny. You're a little too good to be true. 

You're a little bit serious, just a little mysterious. You're a little too good to be true.

So, come on over and say hi, and just before you tell me goodbye, please remember the first day we met.

You looked at me with those brown eyes. I looked away cause I couldn't hide, that funny grin you put on my face. 

I can't help myself from falling a little in love with you:)

My Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon, I like to let my mind wander off to some faraway place that is untouchable by anyone but me.
I can control everything, every movement. I can control myself.

Because right now, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm still myself on the outside, you can see that. But on the inside, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing when I'm doing my favourite things. I feel nothing when someone says hurtful things to me. I feel nothing when someone pushes my buttons. I can't feel true happiness, true sadness, true anger.



What I do feel is fear. Fear that I'm unable to do anything. To be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good student, or even worse, a good follower of Christ. I need to get my life back on track. How did I manage to stray so far so fast? No, it wasn't because of the holidays. It started long before. And no, it wasn't because of the people I've been spending time with. They have done nothing but love me.

For a moment there, I thought I was starting to crush, but that feeling soon faded. Everything around me seems faded. I want to live a colorful life again. Yes, my life was colorful. So bright and beautiful. So meaningful. My life was and is a gift from God. I need to treasure it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Maybe it's an identity crisis, but I thought I'd been through that already. If it's not the people around me that's affecting me, it must be the things I'm doing to myself.

I'm a dreamer. I'm one of the worst dreamers you will ever know. I have all kinds of dream and I can definitely dream when I'm awake too. But when I'm asleep, my favourite dream to go back to is the one where I'm in her arms again. I always seem to be crying, because I don't want her to let go. Stay in my dreams mommy. Tell me what I need to be doing. I miss you so much. Don't let me wake up to my emotionless life.

But I have to. I have to make this life better for myself. I deserve that much. God gave me life. I wasn't an accident. I was meant to be here. There is a purpose for me.

Once in a blue moon, I think good thoughts. I know that here and now is where I'm meant to be. I'm a sixteen-year-old girl with so much to learn. So much to experience. So much to feel. I will feel something. Just like I only feel LOVE when I see my mother's face in my dreams....

Once In a Blue Moon

Have YOU watched 'THE SMURFS' yet?

 Gotta love BRAINY!!!

 Neil Patrick Harris!!

 Rayshell and I think they look good together;)

Clumsy, Grouchy, Papa, Smurfette, Gutsy, Brainy

I Smurf you! <3

My Future Husband

         Must he be perfect? Flawless? Of course not! But somehow, I just pictured him that way. I've always seen myself as a future housewife, with a good, faithful husband and a few children. Emphasis on the good, faithful husband;) There is no doubt that I have thought about who I'm going to marry someday. Sometimes, I even dream about my future husband in detail. Recently, he has appeared in my dreams almost every night.

          Tall, dark and handsome. I didn't expect to dream up a cliche for a husband, but that is how he showed himself to me in my dreams. Hazel-colored eyes that were emphasized by a pair of double eyelids and long eyelashes every girl dreamt of having. A perfectly placed nose in the center of his face and a smile that would melt any girls' heart. Ears that were the perfect size, unhidden by a boyish haircut that made you want to mess up his unmoving dark brown locks.

"Honey! I'm home," my future husband would say as he walked through the door of our cottage-like house.

          I could never believe how blessed I was to be married to such a masterpiece by God. Beautiful on the outside and even more so on the inside. With a sincere and willing heart, he would do anything if just for the sake of making someone smile. I would be by my husband's side one hundred percent, knowing what kind of man he was. Trusting him to make the difficult decisions for our family. I would have faith in him to know what was best for him and myself.

          Endless conversations between my future husband and I. Even in silence, only comfort would be found between us. No awkward feelings whatsoever. Every night before bed, secrets and endearments would be exchanged. Even our arguments would be short, letting our love overshadow our disagreements. We would never forget every special moment spent together, from the time we first met, to the days when we grow old together.

          Our marriage would be based on our faith, which we both must take seriously. Never leaving God out of our life together. That is exactly how we would raise our children. He would be a loving father, treating our children with respect and full adoration. He would not spoil them, but give them everything they needed, not wanted. At the same time, giving them all the love he has to give. I would watch my husband and children from a distance with pride, unable to hide the glow in my eyes and the grin on my face.

          My future husband would hold me any time of day, whenever I needed him. Whether I had tears in my eyes or have just had a bad day. Wrapping my arms around him, my head would fit perfectly above his broad shoulders and against his firm neck. Forever breathing in the fresh male scent of him that would remind me, "This is my husband." He would be my rock, my shelter.

          My imagination may run wild sometimes, especially when you ask me to picture my future husband. As you can see, I have done more than just picture him. I don't believe that he is just a dream that can never be found in reality. My future husband is out there, somewhere. I must have faith that I will find him someday, or maybe, just maybe, have him find me:)

My latest assignment

When a teacher gives you the opportunity to do free writing, what would you choose to write about? Me? I got stuck. So guess what I did... I took one of teacher's suggestions from the whiteboard. She was listing down all the types of essays that could be written. Narrative, Descriptive, Factual, One-word titles, Argumentative... One of the examples she gave was 'My Future Husband/Wife'. It was under the category of descriptive. I have never, repeat never tried my hand at descriptive writing before, but I can tell you that AW(My anonymous writer) can most probably specialise in that category. I on the other hand am worried I won't be able to pull this off.

'MY FUTURE HUSBAND' What would you write if you were given this title? I already wrote one and a half pages of the essay thinking it was due today itself. Then teacher went and changed her mind. But I had already written so much, I am not about to start all over again. So, I decided to go with the flow. Use what I've already written and better that, and just finish it off with a hopefully perfect ending. Mom, help me!

I know this is an interesting title to write on for most people, especially me:) When I'm done, I will post it on my blog like I do all my other 'interesting' essays. Hopefully I can achieve a good grade for this one. 'My Dream', my previous essay, managed an A- with the word Interesting! written above it. Yay! I can't exactly expect more than that. Puan Nurliza never gives a grade higher than A- Sometimes I wish she would grade us out of 50% like all the other teachers do. That's all from me for now:)

Happy Birthday Andrew!

For you and only you. Thank you for always being the first to read my blog. And commenting on it too. I wonder what you're gonna say about this one. Happy Birthday ANDREW FOONG YUE KWANG!! I know this blog post is a few days too late but I did show up for your birthday surprise, and give you those 2 shampoo bottles you're holding;)  I'm glad you liked the card I made for you oh so last minute. Heh.

You have been a great friend to me and I really appreciate it. No matter what ups and downs we face, separately or even together, I know we'll always get through it. Because we have already been through so much together. Thanks for being such an amazing waiting buddy turned best friend. God bless you always:D

My Dream

Yay!! My English teacher finally gave an interesting topic as an essay assignment this week. I'm so happy:D We were learning about one-word essays that day, and she gave us a sample of one on 'LAUGHTER'. She asked the class, "Do you want to copy a sample essay or write your own?" Knowing 4Meranti, they said, "COPY!!" The great thing was, after letting us copy the sample essay, she wrote down 6 one-word essay topics on the board.
"Please let that be our homework..." I was thinking to myself.
"Okay class. Choose one and write," said Puan Nurliza.
YES!! Here were our choices:

• My Dream
• Beauty
• Music
• Formula One
• Tsunami
• Friendship

          When my eyes are closed shut, and it's dark all around. That's when I dream. When I think about my dream, I do not think about my future, or what I plan to become. I think of the play of images that appear every now and then when I'm asleep. Some dreams more fictional than others. Some dreams are so real, they're hard to differentiate from reality.

          The dream I proudly call my dream is an unforgettable one. It involves some fiction, but the characters are ever so real.

          The sky was dark, but I felt safe. Why? Because I was in her arms. My mother's arms. We were tucked away safely in my parents' bedroom, under the covers of the bed. She was holding me tight against her body as she rocked me back and forth, occasionally stroking my hair back, away form my forehead.

          The sky grew darker. Thunder started to roar. Lightning started to strike. A big storm arose and I was shaking from head to toe. "Shhh.... Everything will be alright. I'm here with you," my mother whispered in my ear. My heartbeat slowed to a steadier pace, and soon I was relaxed again. Then, something striked me as strange. Where were my father and sister?

          "They're alright baby. They're safe. I need to take care of you now," said my mother. I made a small whimper and closed my eyes. I leaned back against my mother and soon fell asleep in her arms. When I awoke, I came face-to-face with the boy who broke my heart. The scenery of the dream had changed and I was now standing in the house where Arthur broke my heart. His house. The thing is, I was not alone. She was there with me. My mother was there with me, holding my hand. "Go ahead, tell him how you feel," she said. So I did. After I did, a smile appeared on my face and all the pain of that memorable heartbreak disappeared. My mother turned me around to face her and smiled. Suddenly, the scenery around us changed again.

          We were now standing in front of my school. My mother was holding me by my shoulders. I realised that I was holing my PMR results in my hands. I stared at it, already knowing what was stated. 3A's and 4B's. I looked up at my mother that was only a few inches taller than me with tears in my eyes. "Why are you crying dear? I am so proud of you. You did your best. You and I both know you were meant to be an art student, to pursue your passion for writing," she said while staring me in the eyes, giving me the reassurance I needed. At that moment, I knew everything was going to be alright.

          "Now, close your eyes and awake from this dream," said my mother. We were now back in my parents' bedroom. Sitting on the bed. The storm had long passed and in it's place, a clear and bright sky. Just before my dream ended, my mother said to me,"I will carry you through any storm. Remember that. Even when I'm not there with you in person, I will always be there with you in spirit. I love you."

          My mother is and always will be my ideal dream. A dream sent down to me from heaven:)



That's my essay. I love you so much mummy!:) Thank you for always watching over me.

An on the road confession

They were no longer kids. Nobody could tell them what they could and couldn't do. Once separated, but now reunited. This is real. Nothing could feel this good, and not be real. Going back and repeating what they did when they were just a couple of 15-year-olds, gave them an opportunity to explore something beyond friendship. They're 24-years-old now. Back for the holidays. Living in the houses just opposite each other.


A little peek to the right and she knew that he was thinking hard. "Please don't say it... Please don't say it...."
Staring out her window, she nervously hummed the first song that came into her head. "Take time to realize, that your warmth is crashing down on me.."
His head turned a little to the left. She looked at him then, 3 seconds later, he looked away. "Oh my! What have I done?" she thought to herself.
"9 years.." he said. She jumped a little and turned her body to face him. They were still on an empty highway, on the way to nowhere in particular, in the middle of the night.
Those were not the words she was expecting him to start with, but she waited patiently for him to go on.
"9 years of friendship, and you choose now to tell me?" Another pause, and he went on "You're in love with me." More a statement than a question.
Before she could say anything.. "And I'm in love with you."
Tree after tree, still very few cars on the road. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him then. She just stared. When he pulled over, her heartbeat accelerated. She realized she wasn't breathing consistently.
He turned his whole body to face her. The scenery around them seemed to have disappeared as she stared directly into his eyes. She closed her eyes for about 5 seconds. It was dark all around, but she wasn't afraid. The girl who was usually so terrified of the dark was not afraid. "I've got abandonment issues. I know I do," she thought, trembling slightly as she brought to mind her past disappointments, past failed relationships. But she felt comfortable, somehow. Secure, even. Right here, right now. With him, and only him did she feel safe.
"I'm gonna kiss you now," and a second later he did. It wasn't without warning, but she was still caught off guard. When she opened her eyes again, the car was moving. Staring at the signboard ahead, she realized what was happening. To her, and only in her eyes, she read the words 'HOME' on the signboard. No longer were they going nowhere, they were headed back, to the place it all started.
"I'm not going anywhere without you now, " he said.
"Just drive," she said.

"This is our thing, sneaking out at night and just driving around." said Todd.
"This is our thing." Wendy gave him a smile, then sat back, closed her eyes and just enjoyed the ride. She was in a world of her own, happy and nobody could take that away from her. No one could take him away from her. Not again.

The adventures of Brenda and Directions

"Are you staying back today?"


Thank you Yi Qian's mom for fetching us all to lunch. (Andrew, Tzekwang, Brenda, I and Yiqian of course) Lunch was good. Just right. And the random table topics that came up were cool too. Reminiscing about life as a Primary school student was.... interesting. Right Mr. I sweared words I didn't even understand? Fakta-fakta and Permuafakatan were very important words in our topic of discussion, no? Haha. Anyway, the adventure starts with a search for Seventeen Magazine(August issue!) ;)


"Maybe there'll be more magazine selling shops down the road."

We went to a total of 2/3 SevenElevens and another few magazine/junk food shops. No 17Mag. Humph. Following the path down from Yu Yiee restaurant, she found herself just opposite Damansara Utama. *Gulp* "I see and overhead bridge...."


Walking up those slippery steel steps so high above the ground... Ahhh... *I was definitely screaming on the inside* Thank God Brenda read my mind and started praying as we took the last few steps to the top. "Now, all we have to do is walk across this extremely high bridge to get to the other side of the road." ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM   I looked down, so. high. up. so. many. cars. so. scary! "Don't worry Sam, I've used this bridge many times before."

"But I'm scared of heights!" "So am I," she replies. *FAST FORWARD*  "Phew!! I never knew how great my fear of heights were till now." I bet she laughed at me on the inside :/


Need... to find.... that magazine shop yifen told her about. (Carefully) cross this road, cross that road. See this landmark, remember that landmark. And then, we come across this shop lot filled with just magazines. (No, it was not the one yifen had suggested) But it was THERE. 17MAGAZINE!! There you are!!

No, we did not go straight back to school. We stopped... at... a DVD store. And bought... 4  6 DVDs in total. Hehe;)
Let me see... they were:

• Letters to Juliet <3
• Flipped (Old but good)
• Pride and Prejudice (Legendary)
• Waters for Elephants (Recommended)
• Soul Surfer (Inspiring)
• You Again (Funny, chick flick, which we are watching tmr at my place;))

We took some time there, yes. Who wouldn't? It was air-conditioned! :P  Then we started walking back to school. Brenda, a little unsure if she was going the right way, stopped and did a double take with a friendly face. Then we were off.

Green obstacle alert! Tree branches everywhere. People cutting down more tree branches. Our way was literally blocked. I was thinking of taking another road in the housing area but Brenda said the roads were tricky and we could get lost. "We'd been doing so well so far, I am not getting lost now!" And how nice were the workers to MOVE THE TREE BRANCHES for us. YAY!!! We got passed that obstacle and every 10 steps, we would say "We're almost there!"

One step. Two steps. We're home in school. Yippee! For me, the adventure didn't end until I got to the bathroom. And then that was THE END for me.

-Hoped you liked reading about mine and Brenda's journey on a typical Wednesday. Did I mention? Brenda did not scream the whole way there, and the whole way back. Especially when crossing the roads;) And for me to put my trust in her and let her lead the way, was not a very big risk at all. I trusted her and see how well things turned out:) We were back in one piece, safe and sound.

Thanks mom for watching over us:)

What to feel

*smiles* "I'm so happy for you. You deserve this, really."
*smiles**hug* "Wow, when did that happen? I'm happy you're happy."
*smiles**small shriek**big hug* "That's great. Look at you, you're glowing. I'm so happy for you."
What do you feel when you say you're happy in situations like these? Maybe you're truly happy, but when you do it over and over and over again... (OW!) I feel.... not jealousy, not envy, not anger, not sadness(exactly).. I feel.... I don't know what I feel, what I'm supposed to feel.

Her eyes looked straight at the picture in front of her. Pictures. She centres in on the smiles, the wrinkles at the eyes. True bliss shone from that one simple low light picture. She looks up at her friend and fakes a smile that's so convincing. After class, she hurries down each step, still careful not to trip. Grabbing her chest cause she's feeling..... some kind of pain. It grows as she reaches the last step. A blank expression covers her once smiling face. "Here's that feeling again.." Wrinkles in between her eyebrows give away her confusion. No one around to judge her, so why bother? Deep breaths.


She's listening but she isn't paying attention. She asked for this, it's what a friend does. Hear her friend out, especially when they have happy news. When they're all so happy. "I'm sorry, but I don't relate to your feelings," she thinks to herself. Way to often, she does that. Think to herself, talk to herself. Looking up and into her friend's eyes, she gives another one of her infamous deceiving smiles. Just breathe.


Her last experience is what she looks back on at times like these. Her friends ask her why she would put herself through something so silly and so far in the past, this is why. When they speak of their love lives, she thinks of the only moment she might have actually experienced the same thing. She asks to know about them, but does she really want to hear it? No one to blame but herself. So she looks behind her. An ugly picture is staring her in the face. It isn't even finished. It has just been left hanging. She wonders if she had the heart to finish the picture, if she'd be any happier.. She answers herself with a simple no. She looks forward again. She sees love in her life. She has amazing family and friends, no doubt. But she still wants to know what to feel when moments like these come and pass, more frequent now than ever. So she just keeps breathing, deep breaths.